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Title: Chelsea Smile
Author: Le moi (Ninjabuscus)
Genre: Sad
Rating: I dunno, just don’t hand manuscripts of this to five year olds
Warnings: Swearing, suicide
Disclaimer: One does not own PJ (KickthePJ) or Chris (Crabstickz). None of this is real, just something I made up with my simple and bored brain. Do you see what boredom does to some people?
Author's Note: It is based off of the song ‘Chelsea Smile’ by Bring Me the Horizon. I’ll put a link in the description.

 

I've got a secret.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It's on the back of my lungs.
And I'm gonna keep it.
I know something you don't know. 

I sit on my bed in my dark room, the only source of light being the small lamp on my bed side table that isn’t very bright. In front of me lays my open notebook, pages filled with scribbles. In my right hand I hold a pen, ready to write. In my left hand I hold a bottle of pills, ready to take. It’s been six months and seventeen days since I’ve been told to keep the secret by your stupid girlfriend. The cheating bitch.


It sits in silence.
Eats away at me.
It feeds like cancer.
This guilt could fill a fucking sea.
Pulling teeth, wolves at my door.
Now falling and failing is all I know.

The big secret that I’ve been told to keep is about your bitch of a girlfriend. I found out she’s cheating on you PJ. When she’s not seeing you she’s seeing someone else. How I found out you ask? I went down town and saw her snogging someone else. She saw me. Later I confronted her about it. She’s been cheating on you from the very start, eight months ago. I can’t tell you though. Somehow she knows that I like you, I mean like like you. And she told me that if I told you about her cheating, she would tell you. I can’t bear the thought of that. I know your straight, and you would hate me if you found out. This secret is eating me alive, and I feel so guilty that I can’t tell you. Since I’ve felt like I’ve been falling , and each time I have an opportunity to tell you and I don’t take it, I fall that bit more. Falling is all I know now.

This disease is getting worse.
I counted my blessings, now I'll count this curse
The only thing I really know... I can't sleep at night.
I'm buried and breathing in regret, yeah
The only thing I really know... I can't sleep at night.
I'm buried and breathing in regret.

All the sleepless nights I have had to endure because of this. Each failed attempt at sleeping I ask myself, is it worth it? Keeping this secret to keep my own secret, and the fact that either way you will only end up heart. I mean, if I tell you the secret and the bitch tells you my secret, you’ll be hurt. If I don’t tell you and leave it to you to find it out, you’ll still end up hurt. I then come to the conclusion that I can’t handle losing my crush, my best friend. I’m so selfish. All the regret I feel is unbelievable, it’s like I’m drowning in it. I can’t breathe.

I've got a secret.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It's on the back of my lungs.
And I'm gonna keep it.
I know something you don't know. 
I've got a secret.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It's on the back of my lungs.
And I'm gonna keep it.
I know something you don't know. 
Oh.

I look at my notebook to see that I have basically written all these thoughts; I guess I didn’t really realise. I still can’t understand why I don’t just tell you. We’re best friends, I should be able to tell you everything. I guess my own secret is too important. I hate that. I hate that I’m being so selfish and putting keeping my secret before telling you. I have tried to hint towards it, but you only ended up shouting at me, telling me I was lying. You thought I was trying to tear you two apart, because you know that I always took a slight dislike to her from the moment I met her. I would never hurt you like that, but you don’t seem to understand that. I saw in your eyes when I tried to hint towards it, that there was a glimmer of doubt, but that soon disappeared only to be replaced by anger.

I may look happy, but honestly dear, 
The only way I'll really smile is if you cut me ear to ear.
I see the vultures, they watch me bleed.
They lick their lips, as all the shame spills out of me.

I get up off of the bed and walk over to my desk. Hung on the wall above it is a mirror. I look at my reflection. My brown hair is messy, and my fringe that is usually swept across my forehead is now hanging over my hazel eyes. Then I look at my mouth. On each side of my mouth is a line reaching my ear. I run my fingers over them, they’re just shallow cuts. There’s still some blood flowing from them, but very little, then there’s the dried blood. This is the only way I can really smile, because all my smiles are fake now. I can’t smile knowing the secret I’m hiding. The looks and smirks I get from the bitch make me angry, and I always end up storming to my room and punching something. She knows how hard this is for me, how much each smile and word I say hurts. It’s tearing me apart, and she just stands there witnessing me fall apart.

Repent, repent! The end is nigh! 
Repent, repent! We're all going to die! 
Repent, repent! These secrets will kill us! 
So get on your knees and pray for... 
Repent, repent! The end is nigh! 
Repent, repent! We're all going to die! 
Repent, repent! These secrets will kill us! 
So get on your knees and pray for forgiveness! 

I can’t take it anymore. It’s not just the secrets, it’s everything else. The pressure of YouTube, the pressure of the BBC, and the fact that I can never have you, PJ. You will always be just out of reach. That bitch has you in her claws. Even without her, I still couldn’t I have you. I think that’s what hurts the most. The secrets are killing me, as is everything else.

We all carry these things, 
Inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors.
They drown us out at sea.
I look up to the sky.
There may be nothing there to see.
But if I don't believe in him, 
Why would he believe in me?

I walk back over to my bed and grab the pen and write something quickly in my notebook, for what I hope will be the last time. I know that you will find this, so I quickly scribble ‘I love you PJ, I always have. I just kept it a secret because I knew you would hate me.’

Why would he believe in me?

I grab the bottle of pills and stare at it. Painkillers. It says to only take a couple every few hours.

Why would he believe in me?

I open the bottle and shake ten of the white tablets into my hand.

Why would he believe in me?

I throw the bottle onto my bed and take the glass of water that’s on my bedside table.

Why would he believe in me?

I pop the pills into my mouth and swallow them, one at a time with a sip of water in between. After I took all the pills, I put the now empty glass back on the table. After a minute or so I begin to feel dizzy, and my stomach feels terrible. I stumble and place a hand on the wall to try and keep my balance. The room’s spinning and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I can’t though, otherwise this won’t work. I fall to the floor with a loud bang, most likely alerting you that something is wrong. And it seems that I’m right as I hear hurried footsteps and my name being called.

I've got a secret.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
It's on the back of my lungs.
And I'm gonna keep it.
I know something you don't know. 

“Chris? Are you OK?” You ask, opening to door to my room. You notice me, lying on the floor and the bottle of pills on my bed. “Chris!” You run over and fall to your knees beside me.

“PJ...” I mumble. There are spots in my vision now.

“Why Chris?” You cry. “I’ll call an ambulance, just hang on.”

“Don’t...” I said, but you had already gotten your phone and called an ambulance. One hurried phone call later and you put your phone down.

“They’ll be here soon, just hold on.”

“It’s too late, Peej.”

“No, don’t say that!” You shout, tears cascading down your face.

“PJ, because I won’t make it...”

“You will though!”

I've got a secret.

“Please Chris...”

It's on the tip of my tongue, it's on the back of my lungs.

“Chris, don’t go...”

And I'm gonna keep it, I know something you will never know.

“Please...”

You will never know.” I say, before everything goes black.

PJs PoV

“Chris? Chris?” I said, shaking you. You had closed our eyes, and you weren’t breathing. “Chris! Chris wake up!” I cried, shaking you even more. “Please, don’t leave me...”

I broke down. You were gone, and you weren’t coming back. I look over at the pills, cursing them in my head. Then I notice your notebook lying open on your bed. I take it and read it. Even more tears fell from my eyes. I never knew. I never knew she was cheating on me, I never knew you loved me. I look back over to you. Your hair is a mess, your hazel eyes that I love hidden and never to be seen again, the cuts on your cheeks creating a chelsea smile. I lean down and place my lips on yours, for the first and last time.

“I love you.” I say.

You never knew I loved you, it was my own secret, just like you had yours. It’s too late for those three words that hold so much meaning to count, because you’ll never know. I can hear sirens just outside, but they’re too late.

I know something you don't know.” I mumble.

I got bored so I thought I'd write this, and it's also to get over a writers block I have.
This is the song it is based off of: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconhowlingforthestars:
HowlingForTheStars Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
if you need me i will be in the corner... crying my eyes out.... you bastard <3
Reply
:iconninjabuscus:
Ninjabuscus Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Well shite...
I'm sorry, have some tissues. :icontissuesplz:
Reply
:iconhowlingforthestars:
HowlingForTheStars Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconsulkplz:
Reply
:iconninjabuscus:
Ninjabuscus Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Have a cupcake. :iconcupcakeplz:
Reply
:iconhowlingforthestars:
HowlingForTheStars Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
much appreciated
Reply
:iconlycanisation:
Lycanisation Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Student General Artist
O.o Omg, why? D:
Reply
:iconninjabuscus:
Ninjabuscus Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't know ahhhhh
Reply
:iconlycanisation:
Lycanisation Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Student General Artist
aaaaaaaaaahhh, drama everywhere!
Reply
:iconninjabuscus:
Ninjabuscus Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ahhhhhhhhhhh :llama: hhhhhhhhhhh :llama: hhhhhhhh
Reply
:iconlycanisation:
Lycanisation Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Student General Artist
:iconllamaplz:
Reply
:iconninjabuscus:
Ninjabuscus Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Do you mean :llama: ?
Reply
:iconlycanisation:
Lycanisation Featured By Owner Apr 13, 2013  Student General Artist
No I meant :iconrainbowllamaplz: The one underneath :P I just forgot the rainbow. I must've left my skittles at home.
Reply
:iconlycanisation:
Lycanisation Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2013  Student General Artist
:iconrainbowllamaplz:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
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April 12, 2013
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