10 Ways to Annoy Esme Cullen

Deviation Actions

nikatil's avatar

Literature Text

10 Ways to Annoy Esme Cullen

10. Let it slip what Carlisle really does during his night shifts at the hospital, with all of the pretty nurses.

9. Tell her all about the names of your future children, when you want to have them, what genders you want them to be, etc.

8. Ask her if her hair looks like caramel, does it taste like caramel?

7. Politely ask if Carlisle asks her to dress up as “Nurse. Naughty” in the bedroom and if he demands she calls him “Doctor. Dreamy”

6. Tell her that Carlisle is much too old for her, and that he is clearly a cradle-snatcher or paedophile.

5. Take a chunk of her hair, put it in a blender with milk and hand back the final product, claiming it’s a caramel milkshake.

4. Tell her what the nurses at the hospital really think of Carlisle – then smudge lipstick on Carlisle’s shirt collar and spray him with perfume. Laugh loudly when Esme notices, and videotape the reaction.

3. Ask if she likes Carlisle’s cute little English accent. When she says she loves everything about Carlisle, call her an “uncultured swine” and storm off.

2. Inquire as to how she jumped off a cliff and survived. When she can’t answer, ask if she is secretly Batman.  

And the Number One way to annoy Esme Cullen?

1. Anonymously send her a package of baby clothing in the mail.
This was hard... why? Because Esme is wayyy too nice.

Anyway... enjoy!

Alice: [link]
Bella: [link]
Carlisle: [link]
Charlie: [link]
Edward: [link]
Emmett: [link]
Jacob: [link]
Jasper: [link]
Rosalie: [link]

PS: Everyone who has issues with this should just get over it. I'm not saying this because I'm all "oh my godz, you can't b badmouthing myz fictional characters!!11!one!!". In fact, I am the complete opposite of that because I am so over the Twilight series it's unbelievable. It's just that, if you don't like it, you don't read it. Dosn't that seem simple enough?
© 2008 - 2022 nikatil
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Caramelkitty77's avatar
Hum... 1 and 9 are just really cruel.
I`m sad for Esme, now :(
7 is funny, but I like Esme too, I would not try to annoy her.
Is there someone so cruel that would do number 1?
Dombonoes's avatar
ur coooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool loljk smd #420
I loved the one that said that "4. Tell her what the nurses at the hospital really think of Carlisle – then smudge lipstick on Carlisle’s shirt collar and spray him with perfume. Laugh loudly when Esme notices, and videotape the reaction."
Maerorem-Caligo's avatar
Uncultured swine. That's brilliant.
faerywish's avatar
This is just cruel to people who cannot have children. Not even funny at all! You're disgusting.
Sccaggs's avatar
Woah, calm down, bro. It's a fictional character, not an actual person.
faerywish's avatar
That wasn't my point. The point is there are real people who may be harmed by these ideas because they have a real life story like her.
DlyanBlake1666's avatar
Hmm, You got a point, but it is a joke, I doubt nikatil meant any harm, I am proud to see You thought of them Faerywish.
faerywish's avatar
It's very painful to read. I'll be honest and put my story out there, the one that I never talk about to anyone, but I will because I want to explain why empathy is important... It hit me personally because I was told at a young age I could never have children.  After losing a baby. Any time I fell pregnant, I lost the baby very early on and went through extreme pain physically and mentally. All the while trying to get on with my life outside of that dealing with pain and complications from the infertility condition I have that makes it hard to work, socialize, etc. with no cure or relief from medications or treatments. I looked around all the time, seeing all my co-workers and friends having kids, raising a family... Everywhere you go, it slaps you in the face. I ended up wanting to die because I felt like my life had no purpose.

The reason I wanted a family was because I never had one (not a good one), so I thought having my own I could make things right by being a loving good mother and raising kind, good children to make the world a better place. I cannot adopt because I am not in the income bracket to adopt and never will be. Not to mention, being put on antidepressants from the depression of it, now I am deemed "unfit" on record to be an adoptive parent (they are strict in my country about this). I'm not saying this to whine or be emo, but... I have friends now that went through this too.

This is is real life. I am over Twilight too, and I think it's funny to read "how to annoy" the characters posts, but this is NOT clever, and NOT funny. You guys saying it's funny and the writer need to understand that everything you say and do effects others. This is part of growing up. As mad and sad as this made me, I wouldn't wish infertility on you. It's like being in hell. People identity with fictional characters for a reason.

Stick with making fun of her hair, or something. This is just wrong to put out in the world.
DlyanBlake1666's avatar
I understand, I never said "those" jokes were funny, and I agree they aren't.
faerywish's avatar
Ah, I just realized I replied to you instead of the main post. Sorry about that!
DlyanBlake1666's avatar
No offense was taken, no reason to apologize, I sympathize with You and I will pray for You.
Phrozen34's avatar
Number one made me sad. She lost her kid for crying out loud! I like number 2.
Ultrabountyhunter's avatar
How about asking how she jumped off a cliff in Ashland. Ashland is flat, there's not a cliff high enough to suicide off of for 270 miles. Another research fail, SMeyer.
Valixet147's avatar
the number one was so cruel...but the above were fun =)
smeesh-love's avatar
nonono, where's "break her antique furniture?"
lol I love these
rainy129's avatar
Oh my god.. number one.. that's amazing.
dragonflyxsilver's avatar
Ooommmggg u somade my day with these i cannit stop laughing....
Berries-Fields's avatar
You are so cruel, you know that?
They're still funny.
bella-katniss-2555's avatar
these are so cruel... AWESOME JOB! don't get me wrong i love esme but this is funny. i can't stop laughing at the batman one

I'm a clumsy brunette, so where's my vampire?

[ ]single
[ ]taken
[x]mentally dating edward cullen
StillHope4TheBest's avatar
I love these, even if some are quite cruel
YouAreLateForTea's avatar
haha number 2 and 5!
SonadowStories's avatar
as much as i dislike twilight, i think that the first one is going a bit to far.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In