Asexuality: I am louder than who I say am

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Nichrysalis's avatar
By Nichrysalis

"I've found that people think it's okay
to have all kinds of sexual orientation..."

" long as you have one.
If you don't then you're broken."


The Asexual Orientation

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where a person does not experience sexual attraction. One out of every hundred people is likely to be asexual and facts such as this are still pushing boundaries and challenging the thought that the pursuit of happiness doesn't have to include sexual attraction.

I am very passionate about creating bridges of understanding, as I have said many times before. To understand asexuality better, take into consideration that there are different ways of being attracted to a person and that these attractions are not necessarily tied together. AVEN (the Asexual Visibility and Education Network) defines attraction as "a mental or emotional force that draws people together" and lists the different types of attraction as follows.

:bulletpurple: Aesthetic attraction: Attraction to someone's appearance, without it being romantic or sexual.

:bulletpurple: Romantic attraction: Desire of being romantically involved with another person.

:bulletpurple: Sensual attraction: Desire to have physical non-sexual contact with someone else, like affectionate touching.

:bulletpurple: Sexual attraction: Desire to have sexual contact with someone else, to share our sexuality with them.

Asexuality only concerns one aspect of attraction, sexual attraction, and plays strikingly little involvement with the other forces of attraction. Romantic asexuals will often seek out platonic romance— love without sex— while still doing sensual things like cuddling and kissing. Romantic asexuals often have a gender preference and identify as homoromantic, heteroromantic, or biromantic, but quite a few are panromantic— when it comes to love, gender doesn't matter.

What's The Big Deal? by Natnie

Not a Choice

To say it outright, asexuality is not a choice. Unlike celibacy or abstinence, where a person actively chooses to forgo sex, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who a person is and how they see themselves that does not make their lives any worse or any better.

It's important to have a sexual identity you identify and relate with and it's important that we acknowledge others' sexual identities. When we don't, people experience discrimination and oppression, something that asexuals are familiar with despite the common notion that the asexual community is free of these things.

While it's true asexuals are not societally oppressed, asexuals are often targets for sexual harassment and corrective rape— rape that is committed with the intent to change the victim's orientation. Asexuals also face discrimination alongside the LGBT community. Surprisingly, some of the stigma asexuals primarily face is generated from within the LGBT community.

Asexual activist Julie Decker (known as swankivy) explains it as being "based on the supposition that asexual people do not experience oppression and that any prejudice, discrimination or discomfort we experience is not ‘as bad’ as theirs, which I think is odd because queerness is not -- or should not be -- defined by negative experiences."

Ignorance isn't Bliss

The amount of ignorance encountered in regards to asexuality, even when non-hostile, is troubling, and can be damaging and problematic on an individual level.

When someone comes out as an asexual it is not an open invitation to ask personal and invasive questions, nor is it time to keep a mental checklist of their sexual habits. When someone comes out as asexual, they are looking for support, acceptance and understanding for how they live their lives.

Acceptance can be as simple as saying "It's fine if you don't ever want to have sex" and meaning what you say.

Asexual Love by jyoshikousei16

Let's Talk About SEX Baby by PoetryOD

I am louder than who I say am

Let's break away from all the information for a second and tap into what it is to be an individual who is struggling with their apparent lack of sexuality and subsequently, their loss of identity.

"Since I was about 15 I thought I was asexual, although when I was younger I didn't know there was a name for it I just thought I was broken. Before my first sexual experiences I didn't think about sex or particuarly like the idea of it.. Sounded sticky... then my first string of sexual experiences were, unfortunately, very bad and that made me feel very firmly against sex.

I've been in relationships that are 4 or 5 years long that I can count the number of times we've had ''sex'' on my hand.

and I found that people think its okay to have all kinds of sexual orientation... as long as you have one. If you don't then you're broken, or the victim of abuse, or traumatised, and itll pass or you need a psychiatrist... and sometimes those things are ALSO true but not related."


"You can't ever pinpoint asexuality. It's not like someone wakes up and just says, "hey, I'm just not into that." Sometimes, it's more than that, and you have to understand that concept in order to really be compassionate on the matter."


"...people just don't understand. Even I didn't, at first, but I always tried to be compassionate, asking questions instead of making assumptions. That's where most people are different. They don't like exploring things that are unfamiliar, for whatever reason. It must feel so invalidating. It's a difficult thing to come to terms with anyway, and others showing a lack of openness to it can make it that much more difficult."

hopeburnsblue on a close family member's asexual orientation

"I grew up assuming I was straight, but found myself attracted to women too. I spent about a week wondering if I was actually bi, before realising it didn't matter, what's a label. Eventually I realised that I was attracted to intelligence and personality, the package it came in didn't matter at all. Yet, as the years passed, along with a couple of long term relationships, I realised I was happiest when single, and I was only having relationships because that's what was expected.

Because there are unhappy singles looking for a partner, society assumes all single are unhappy and somehow missing out on something. But for me, there are more upsides to being single. I came to understand that I like my own company and I spend a lot of time doing solo things, such as writing.

Honestly, Id rather wake up next to my laptop and a pile of paperwork, than have to go somewhere else to write at night because I have a partner.

I don't know if this makes me Asexual. Sex is great, but for me, only with a loving partner."


Resources and Further Reading

:icondapride: :iconclub-of-aces: :iconlgbt-on-da: :iconasexualheart: :iconburdenedhearts:

Asexual Visibility and Education Network
Asexuality in Entertainment
Asexuality: The 'X' In A Sexual World
Study: One in 100 adults asexual
swankivy (asexual activist)
(A)Sexual Documentary

With thanks to all of my watchers for the support

© 2014 - 2021 Nichrysalis
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MetellaStella's avatar
Sounds like Ezri-Krios is sapiosexual. We could sure use some more of that. :P
Annissina's avatar
Thank you for this! If only more people understood this... When I tell someone I'm asexual, they either make fun of me or are shocked because I won't sleep with them. :(
GothicAnimeGirl's avatar
It's sad that a lot of people accept sex with love and sex without love, but find love without sex impossible to imagine.
tehuti's avatar

Lovely work. :clap:

/start super long comment

I'm 37. I've gone most of my life thinking there must be something wrong with me because I've never once been sexually attracted to another person (fictional characters, yes, but never real people). I get romantic crushes...but never physical/sexual ones. And in fact the very thought of sex utterly turns me off. I don't even feel the need to "go solo"...I write erotic fiction and that's good enough for me.

But seeing as I come from a large extended family of people who are always having kids (and whose only, passing, interest in me as I was growing up was to ask me if I had a job or a boyfriend yet)...and seeing how people react whenever I tell them I just don't want sex...made me feel there must be something wrong on my end. I never went through that hormonal boy-crazy teenage-girl phase. I don't gush over hot celebrities. I've never made out with or kissed or even held hands with a guy nor have I felt the need to. Surely "normal" people don't feel the same way I do. :(

I thought, perhaps I just haven't met the right guy. But I never got sexual feelings about real people, EVER. Surely I should have, since all other girls my age had? So I honestly wondered if, maybe, I'd been abused when I was little and couldn't remember it, since even physical contact like hugs, let alone sex, turns me off. Yep...I concluded that my disinterest in sex must mean I was broken or damaged somehow.

I always figured I couldn't be asexual because I do have a (small) sex drive, and I do fantasize (about fictional characters...interestingly, I'm not involved in the action, I just live through it vicariously), and I would like a ROMANTIC but non-physical relationship...I didn't know asexuals could be like that too. Until quite recently. And go figure, it wasn't even an asexuality forum I learned this on (because why would I be on such a forum, not knowing I was asexual?), it was one for social anxiety. So that's 37 years I went thinking there must be something wrong with me. It's been kind of a relief to realize there isn't...

...yet many other people still refuse to believe this. I haven't told anyone I know IRL (though surely they suspect, seeing as I've never been in a relationship or had sex and have never pursued either or even shown distress about the lack of either?--or maybe they think something's "wrong" with me, too?), but online the reactions have been...pretty frustrating.

I've gotten reactions ranging from outright disbelief ( "You write erotica!--how can you be asexual??" ), to being told, "Give sex a shot, you'll change your mind fast!" (why is it so difficult to believe I JUST DON'T WANT IT??) or "You've never had sex, how can you know FOR SURE you don't want it until you've tried it...?" (following that reasoning, how can anyone know for sure that they're straight unless they've tried sex with their own gender?), to being given a detailed guide on how to masturbate (by another female, on a public humiliating), to being accused, numerous times, of thinking I'm "superior" to others, and rubbing it in their face, because I don't want sex (where would anyone ever get that impression??--especially on a site where I'm constantly down about how inferior I feel?   :( ).

And none of that takes into account all the people who lament about how "easy" asexuals have it, since they have no interest in sex...not even realizing that just because we don't want sex doesn't mean we don't want love!...and the chances of finding a lasting relationship with another person, when you can't offer sex and only about one percent of the population is sexually compatible with you (don't forget all the other types of compatibility needed too--making one's chances even smaller), are almost nil.

In fact, realizing that I'm asexual has made me feel a bit more depressed, now that I know what my odds of finding love REALLY are...seeing as I have neither good looks, nor a fun/outgoing personality, nor even sex to offer a potential mate...what do I have to offer? Nothing. *sigh*

Not at all what I would've expected to face on coming to such a realization.   :/

So all in all it's been both an enlightening/relieving and a frustrating experience. I can handle the frustration...I just wish more people would try harder to understand that it is not always so easy for us, in fact, sometimes it's even more complicated.

/end super long comment sorry sorry ;_;

Julesie's avatar
I have to say, reading your comment I saw myself in your words. I don't have the whole depression that you seem to have (as surprisingly, shocking to most people, I am quite happy being ace, socially phobic and introverted).  It felt like I was reading me in twenty years time.

I've always been VERY confused over the fact I adore yaoi and read erotic of it, as well as watch it but anything to do with real life bodies squicks me out, even kissing, unless its a chaste kiss on the cheek or lips.

I was happy to read what you wrote as it made me realise I'm not the only ace who likes erotic when it comes to fictional characters. Again, I don't see myself interested in being with these characters, as a fictional or real person. The thought again squicks me. This was something that made me often question my asexuality. How can I be ace if I like fictional yaoi which includes sex? I'm glad, reading your comment, I still am ace. I just have no interest at all with real people other than a deep friendship relationship (which I'd like to meet another like that, but as you listed above, will probably not happen). It still confuses me but I know real people don't interest me at all but fictional gay sex and love between two men does.

I hope you feel better in the future :hug: I just wanted you to know that reading your comment made me feel happy that I'm not the only one in these shoes as a lot of asexuals seem to be grossed out by 'any' type of sex, real or fictional and I'm only squicked by the former.

...This was really hard to form into words. Being ace is very confusing.
nightshade-keyblade's avatar
Apparently "love is love" only applies when people are capable of "love" (which somehow evolved into a nicer way of saying "sex") :sarcasm:
Nichrysalis's avatar
I'm not sure what you're getting at?
nightshade-keyblade's avatar
Don't mind me, I'm just venting at the double standards towards asexuals. They say "love is love" but everywhere I go, I see people using "love" as just a prettier word for "sex". In other words, you can love whoever you long as you feel sexually attracted to them. 

Nichrysalis's avatar
Ah, I get you now. :)
JM1776A's avatar
What's the protocol for an asexual person who's aesthetically, romantically and sensually attracted to someone in a great degree, but lacks that fourth component of sexual attraction, while the other person returns their attraction strongly ... but in all four categories?

• Does the asexual partner grit their teeth, metaphorically speaking, and do it for England?  If so, do they fake enjoyment so as to please their partner, considering it a "little white lie"?  Do they instead try to find enjoyment purely in the physical sensations?
• Does the sexually attracted partner accept a relationship that is deeply romantic yet perpetually, in a sexual sense, unsatisfying?

I would imagine the frustration on both sides might be intolerable, with one person yearning to share pleasurable sexual experience with the other, while the asexual person feels pressured and put upon, all the more if their SO possesses a naturally high sex drive.

I hope the questions do not offend. 

LadyKylin's avatar
While I've not been in the suitation, I would hope that if someone was with someone who knew they were Asexual, they would at least try to understand.

Also depending on the realtionship, whomever isn't asexual could possible get the actual sexual fullfillment elsewhere.

Also being asexual doens't mean you can't enjoy sex at all, but it would be much more for the other person, and it wouldn't the reason for the realtionship.

So the end result would either be some kind of compromise, or the realtionship busting. Just like any other issue a couple may have.
JM1776A's avatar
While I'm hoping for a reply from the OP, I thank you for your input.
LadyKylin's avatar
Usually these kinds of journals don't actually get replies from the poster. If you want more of an answer you could check out AVEN.

But really the issues aren't all that different then any other romantic couple that deosn't meet eye to eye sexually. I imagine one part of couple wanting to get into bdsm or some other kink and the other really not would cause strife as well. Or a non asexual couple but one has significantly higher libdo then the other.
JM1776A's avatar
I disagree, in that seldom is *vastly* different from not at all.

Thank you for your responses.
TheGreenDwarf's avatar
Do you have a girlfriend by now?" asks my brother who has a wife and two beautiful children.
"I have studying." I say and we both laugh.
It's not like he understood what i meant by that, it's not like anyone understands that i just don't give a fuck.
How do you go around when you can't be bothered with such childish behavior? That what it is to me. Can i be attracted to somebody? Sure but don't ever go there, that's not my thing. Sounds stupid right? Well i am.

It's so stupid, labeling, we always have to know what we are and that's the only thing that really bothers me. What sexuality are you? We need to know. What is your status? It's important. No it's not. Fuck you. 
"I'm Asexual" I would never say that. "I'm Asexual." " Oh so you don't feel any attraction to anybody?" Why care so much? It doesn't matter. Nothing changes about me if you know what i fuck or don't fuck. We care too much, especially tollerant people, they care a lot. "Please tell me what you fuck so i can support and tollerate your sexual exploration."
Labeling, grouping, being part of a community, people who hate a sexuality do that, people who have that sexuality do that too. People who agreed upon that they fuck the same thing are still different people. To identify yourself with your sexuality is the lowest for me.
That's just how i see it. Fuck whatever the fuck you wanna fuck but for fucks sake stop caring so much.

Sex is cool and all and i'm happy that we live in a society that grows towards tolerance and freedom of exploration but stop making it so important, it really isn't.

PetiteBubu's avatar
<<Sex is cool and all and i'm happy that we live in a society that grows towards tolerance and freedom of exploration but stop making it so important, it really isn't.>>
Well, for you, eheh ^^" for my friends and I sex life is quite important. This is the reason why it's shocking, for those who don't know what asexuality is, that some people don't care too much.
Anobu's avatar
You know what else are asexuals? corals and starfish. they reproduce asexually.
The way the word is being used is different when applied to humans as opposed to when applied to other organisms. When you say that corals and starfish are asexual, you mean that they reproduce without any contribution of genetic material from another of their species (though both corals and starfish reproduce sexually as well as asexually). In humans asexual means that the person does not experience sexual attraction. This is not the only case of words being used differently in different contexts. When someone says that their allergies are acting up and their nose is running, they do not literally mean that their nose has feet and is going for a run. They mean that the excess mucus in their nose is flowing out of their nose. We can be asexual without reproducing by cloning ourselves.
Maaiika's avatar
I'm a starfish and I'm proud of it. *bricked*
TheMilwaukeeProtocol's avatar
I identify with this in a complicated way. In contrast, asexuality is super simple for so many of the people on AVEN: they say that they simply haven't got a libido. A black and white existence must be fabulously easy.
SableFlair's avatar
I'm a gray-ace and it's nice to know there are others out there experiencing the same thing...or, a similar thing anyway. Also, this is a good resource to show family & friends when you come out. So, thanks :)
humanpeteriscool's avatar
Thankfully I have a supportive boyfriend who doesn't let my asexuality get in the way of our love. Or anything else that I am, like genderfluid. Because for some reason he loves who I am. I don't see why but he loves me a lot. So he doesn't let the fact that he'll never get it from me get to him. Because he doesn't care. We're fine enough with our own acts of love. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc. 
JM1776A's avatar
I'm curious, humanpeteriscool:  Would you be angry or feel betrayed if your boyfriend engaged in sexual relations with another simply for the physical outlet, but reserved his love solely for you?  I imagine it could be a difficult thing to have no sexual contact for the duration of your relationship with an asexual person, especially if you have a strong libido.

Do you consider his abstinence something he must accept for the sake of maintaining your love, or would you allow for an outlet that allowed him to satisfy his sexual needs while not pressuring you to participate?

Thanks for your response in advance.  No offense is intended.
humanpeteriscool's avatar
Yes I would be angry, why wouldn't I?

But look, you're just being hypothetical. So I showed my boyfriend this reply, to see what he'll say, and he told me, and I quote, "Oh well, I don't mind not getting it or whatever besides the whole process is stupid anyways." He doesn't give a shit that I ain't fucking his ass. He just wants the outcome, kids. 

So this amazing new thing, called adoption, will come into play.

If I was dating a guy who really wanted to fuck somebody, then damn he's dumb. He shouldn't be with me. But my boyfriend isn't like that. If you were talk to both of us about sex, he'd seem like the asexual one. 

My boyfriend and I have talked about this and that was my biggest fear when he said he liked me. That I couldn't satisfy his "needs". But guess what, he doesn't need to have sex with me. 

Like I said, we kiss, hug, cuddle, etc. We just don't fuck. What's so great about sticking a dick into something? He could get so drunk and high that he could be satisfied by sticking it into a cup. Okay, why does he need to stick into me? 

If it was a guy who wanted sex, then he would have left me when I said, "I'm asexual, meaning you're never gonna fuck me." 

He doesn't care about sex. Okay, we've been together for a year and have a better relationship than my sister had with any guy that she has fucked. Okay, sex doesn't equal wonderful relationship. Wonderful relationships happen in their own ways. So if that means our relationship will just be everything besides sex, then so be it. Because we love each other a lot. 

I will not give up my views on sex just for a guy... It's my life and body and if he can't accept that he ain't getting sex then so be it. 
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