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One word critiques part 38 

79%
19 deviants said post one work, get one word
21%
5 deviants said the word is something that needs improvement

Devious Comments

:iconanovoca:
Anovoca Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014   Writer
strawberry-banana layer pie by Foozma73
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:iconfernknits:
fernknits Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hmm... voice
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:iconfernknits:
fernknits Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I think I see what you're getting at there, and I know you said one word, but I'd love a couple more just to clarify.
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Always!

Overall it's a decent piece, it just seemed to have a very clinical tone from the matter of fact descriptions, I think it needs more to balance that.
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:iconfernknits:
fernknits Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you -- that makes a lot of sense to me.
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:iconchristalkitto:
ChristalKitto Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hope its not too late. This is a different direction that I have been exploring.
fav.me/d68l2ci
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Specificity
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:iconchristalkitto:
ChristalKitto Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
will have to look up that word.
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
It just means there aren't a lot of specific images here - see comments.deviantart.com/14/423…
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:iconchristalkitto:
ChristalKitto Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. Will have to think about it. Not being obtuse but not understanding at this time.:o (Eek) 
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Exposition
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:icononedreamonemoon:
OneDreamOneMoon Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014
Hahaha, thank you :D
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:iconikazon:
ikazon Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014   Writer
No :3
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
u:
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Concreteness
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:iconcreativewithreason:
creativewithreason Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Student General Artist
Please explain if you can :P
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll try... havetales-willtell.deviantart.… is a lot better at it, but the issue I'm having is this poem could apply to anyone, I'd like to actually see the people in this setting. I know it makes it easier to relate for some, but for me it created distance.
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:iconcreativewithreason:
creativewithreason Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014  Student General Artist
Ok thanks for your input and the link :) 
I appreciate it
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Themes
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014   Writer
The whole thing. Okay. ;)
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:P It was good, it just feels like a fragment.
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:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2014   Writer
;P A good fragment needs work. Thanks.
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Cleanup d:
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry this is so late, but could you clarify? :la:
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Always ;p

For what it is, contentwise it's fine. But I think you could trim some of the edges - revisit it as a whole a week or two later and see if all of the word choices make sense, that kind of thing.
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Excellent. Thank you so much. :huggle:
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:iconspamdragon:
SpamDragon Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Descriptors
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:iconspamdragon:
SpamDragon Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hmmm...
Oh well, it was also experimental!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
PS. I'm more qualified at visual art than I am poetry u:
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:iconmnmccarthy:
mnmccarthy Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Structure
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:iconmnmccarthy:
mnmccarthy Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Structure? Okay, where do I need to patch up the mortar? Or are you suggesting I de construct the structure and then reconstruct? 
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Sentence structure! I noticed a lot of sentences that were unclear near the beginning (in some cases a comma would help), it drops off later but there's still quite a few awkwardly worded bits later.
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:iconmnmccarthy:
mnmccarthy Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ah. Yes. I cannot argue with that. Thanks for the feedback! Should help once I hit draft three.

Any other 'one words' for this piece? Maybe? I'll be your friend. ;) (hmmm, the addition of the winky face makes that last comment vaguely sexual. Oh well, gotta do what you gotta do I suppose.)

But cereal, thanks man!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, the wink is always dirty.

Mmm... I think sentence structure covers a lot of it. I have a hard time critiquing a single chapter.
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:iconmnmccarthy:
mnmccarthy Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks again. I know it's tricky judging a work only by one chapter.

You know, I think when I started writing that chapter some had commented on my over use of commas. Must have been my subconscious overcompensating or something. lol.
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, I went through this phase where I just didn't use commas. I'm hoping I've finally found a happy medium, but I still don't love them.
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(1 Reply)
:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Devices
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:iconmuscularteeth:
muscularteeth Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014
can you be a little more specific? i understand what you're getting at, but just a bit of clarification would be helpful :)
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
The whole point of these is you have to ask questions, one word is practically useless!

I like the content a lot so don't mess with the metaphors, but the one thing was, yeah, a lack of apparent use of devices, especially assonance and alliteration (which are almost the only ones I can name...).
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:iconmuscularteeth:
muscularteeth Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014
gotcha!! yeah, i agree. as is, it reads more like broken-lined prose than a poem P: i'll definitely take that into consideration while i'm editing :) thank you!!!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'd love to see the edits!
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:iconmuscularteeth:
muscularteeth Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2014
i'll send it to you when i get the time to sit down and look it over :)
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