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one word critiques part 4 - leave one link, get one word 

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11 deviants said the word is something that NEEDS improvement o:

Devious Comments

:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're back! :highfive:

Descriptors
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013
ILU for multiple reasons and these minimalist crit sessions rank pretty high among them.

playinthedead.deviantart.com/a…
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Bby :eyes:

Ordering
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013
:iconohuplz:

Let me guess, it would read better if it were in chronological order from earlier events to later, wouldn't it?
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Or if there were a stronger sense of build from one to the next, because the earliest one really should be last!
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:iconvfreie:
VFreie Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013
Now that is more interesting. Will see to that.
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013   Writer
ohineedtea.deviantart.com/art/…

You're not allowed to say narrative structure unless you're going to discuss it in detail afterwards!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
That's two words anyway :P

Endings
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013   Writer
Also true. 

The ending of both individual plots or of the piece as a whole?

I have the same problem with stories as i do with essays. The beginnings and endings and middle are always tough... 
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The individual pieces, really, the flow felt pretty choppy to me.

ha!
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013   Writer
The flow's supposed to be choppy, that's why the stories intersect each other continuously. 

But with the ending, you mean the stories don't flow well/fit well with the endings or...?
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I think the choppiness interferes with the connection between the narratives. It comes together later, but at the beginning makes it harder to get in.

Endings was mostly a bad choice of word. I like the overall, and it's not like you can change a nonfiction.
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013   Writer
The problem is that i don't want to make an easy read out of something that's so difficult to say. It actually feels patronising that way. My first draft started later, and mentioned the dog bit almost immediately, and then fell back into the flashback. But when i read it over, it was too easy and far too coherent for the situation. Because neither of the situations are easy, and there's only a single reflection that holds the stories together. 
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah, don't change the order of stuff. But maybe draw out common elements so the transition isn't as abrupt. You're going from lying in bed to being in a car, going a little too fast.
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(1 Reply)
:iconspiralingspontaneity:
SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
spiralingspontaneity.deviantar…

(Thank you very much c: :heart:)
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Concreteness
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:iconspiralingspontaneity:
SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you c: (could you elaborate just a little?)
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ill do you one better, this guy actually knows what he's on about! havetales-willtell.deviantart.…
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:iconspiralingspontaneity:
SpiralingSpontaneity Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, that helped me a lot! thank you so much <33
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:iconmomo-yachi:
Momo-Yachi Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Eh, would you do poetry? >.<
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Sure.
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:iconmomo-yachi:
Momo-Yachi Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
pruss-chan.deviantart.com/art/…
Thank you (//v\\) you are so kind for doing this
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Concision
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:iconmomo-yachi:
Momo-Yachi Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Success >.<

awesome, Thank you so much~
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:iconcelestialmemories:
CelestialMemories Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Does length matter? (I have a piece I would love your opinion on but it's kind of lengthy)
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student Writer
blakecurran.deviantart.com/art…
Thanks! You're amazeballs!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Verbose :B
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student Writer
Um...thanks! :P
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
P: at some point I will have to come clean and explain you all should be asking for clarification
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student Writer
I was wondering that...I mean, you called a six word story verbose. Something felt off :P Though, to be fair, I knew it was harder to write just one word for a six word piece. I was feeling cheeky :P
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I was serious, I don't think you need the 'but' or 'quite' :P The hardest thing is making all six words be necessary!
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:iconblakecurran:
BlakeCurran Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Student Writer
I would agree with the 'quite', but I don't know what to change it to, or how I would fix it up, but I like the 'but' as it shows the opposite-idea clearly (the theme of the contest it's submitted to is 'opposites').

Thanks for having a look!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'd argue the comma establishes the relationship. I think you could use the extra word(s) to strengthen the first clause; 'physically present' is descriptive but not exceptionally striking.

Sure!
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(1 Reply)
:iconmormonbookworm:
mormonbookworm Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
mormonbookworm.deviantart.com/…
You ricks for doing this!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Structuring

:la:
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:iconmormonbookworm:
mormonbookworm Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
one of my earliest pieces, doesn't surprise me.
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Do you accept prose? :)
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
anything!
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Consistency

Feel free to grab the other dudes here. I haven't got anything good posted!
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Argh, I want to ask you to be more specific. :faint:

Sorry, I'm a bit slow. What did you mean? :slow:
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
What's stopping you? :P

About the consistency thing? The opening seemed as if it was coming from someone who has trouble with being emotional, but then view on to get pretty gooey.
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:iconaerode:
Aerode Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh! Thank you! I get it now. :la:

Gooey. I like it. =P
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:iconneurotype:
neurotype Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
;p
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