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TheMHFan: …are we really doing this?
Bringer of Darkness: Unfortunately, yes. We took this up, and there’s no turning back.
TheMHFan: …like, are we serious about this?
Bringer of Darkness: *groan* …unfortunately, yes.
TheMHFan: …fine. Let’s get on with it.
Bringer of Darkness: *clears throat* Vampires can come in many shapes, sizes, and attributes, despite having one thing in common: the ability to gain sustenance by drinking blood. Some can be scary, others can…sparkle, and still others can be awesome.
TheMHFan: But others can be ridiculously charismatic and overpowered, and they can be completely arrogant, conceited assholes. Like Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, the bipolar witch/vampire of My Immortal…
Bringer of Darkness: And Dio Brando, the archenemy of the Joestars.
TheMHFan: He’s the Bringer of Darkness and I’m TheMHFan, and it’s our job to look into their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle!
EBONY DARK’NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY:
Occupation: Hogwarts student…who rarely goes to classes, (Self-Proclaimed) Goth
Theme: Anything from Slipknot, Good Charlotte, or My Chemical Romance (ugh, why?)
Bringer of Darkness: Original characters. They are characters created by fanfiction authors as an addition to the canon of a story that they’re writing a fanfiction about. Of course, in the multitudes upon multitudes of fanfictions on the Internet, multitudes upon multitudes of original characters have been created, but very few of those OC’s are as well-known and notorious as the main character of the infamous My Immortal, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.
TheMHFan: Strap in, ladies and gentlemen, and get ready for a look on Ebony’s tragic story…which doesn’t exist.
Bringer of Darkness: As details on Ebony’s past are extremely vague to the point of absolute nonexistence, we chose not to elaborate on them. What we do know is that she was born a vampire, and her parents…somehow knew about her hair color and named her after that…and then attached the word “darkness” and put a random apostrophe in the middle and used the new word as her second name, and…you know what? We’ve no idea how Ebony’s full name was thought up.
TheMHFan: Ebony’s even been told that she looks like Amy Lee, and apparently, according to Ebony herself or the author, “if you don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!”
Bringer of Darkness: …that’s an odd audience-limiting technique.
TheMHFan: And get this: Though her last name is Way, she’s in no way related to Gerard Way himself. Safe, people!
Bringer of Darkness: Except Ebony wishes she was, because according to her, Gerard is a “major f*cking hottie”.
TheMHFan: That’s pretty normal. I mean, fangirls, righ…what the hELL—
*Technical Difficulties: Please Stand By*
Bringer of Darkness: Ugh! That is the last time you puked churros on the soundboard, MH!
TheMHFan: *breathes heavily* I can’t…help it! The authoress’s fantasy is disgusting as all hell!
Bringer of Darkness: *groans in annoyance as he picks up a large white cloth to clean the puke* Fine. Forgivable.
TheMHFan: *wipes the puke off his lips with a handkerchief which he then throws away for no apparent reason* …Thanks…
Bringer of Darkness: Aaaaanyway, incestuous fantasies aside, Ebony was somehow accepted into the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Somehow making it until the seventh year, Ebony is now…somehow…the desire of almost the entire Harry Potter male cast, no matter their age or alignment.
TheMHFan: Ridiculous as that sounds, it turns out Ebony is really freaking powerful!
Bringer of Darkness: That’s…hard to accept for most people, but you are correct! Ebony can use her wand to cast every known spell in the Harry Potter series without any repercussions.
TheMHFan: And she can even cast “Crookshanks”! What the hell does it do? Lob cats at people?!
Bringer of Darkness: Actually, MH, that’s a mispronunciation of the unforgivable curse Cruciatus. Yet somehow, despite declaring the curse incorrectly, she gets it right. All. The. Time.
- Material it is made out of is unspecified
- Length is unspecified
- Core is unspecified
- She can cast spells and curses even if she pronounces them wrong
- Unforgivable Curses
- Cruciatus: Puts target on unbearable, torturous pain
- Imperius: Puts target under user’s control
- Avada Kedavra: Instant Kill
- Expelliarmus: Disarms opponent of their weapon/wand
- Confringo: Explosive curse
- Sectumsempra: Spell conceived by Severus Snape; slashes at target with instantaneous, invisible blade
- Various charms, curses, hexes, and jinxes for offensive and defensive use (let’s put it this way: Ebony can use ALL of them)
TheMHFan: Which apparently has a magically-bottomless clip, since she’s able to shoot it…“a gazillion times”. And despite its nature as a pistol, it doesn’t need to reload. Like, at all. She also has a broom…which she barely uses.
- Model is unspecified
- Apparently holds a “gazillion” rounds
- Doesn’t need to reload
- Model is unspecified
- Ebony rarely uses it
TheMHFan: Mary Sue, remember?
Bringer of Darkness: …oh, I wouldn’t call Ebony that. Because not only will she get triggered, but will proceed to call you a “prep”. Habit of hers, actually. She calls everyone who disagrees with her “preps”.
TheMHFan: Speaking of habits, Ebony rarely goes to classes, instead giving more focus on her subpar punk-goth band, “Bloody Gothik Rose 666”, and shopping for “goffik” clothes, preferably with her “spshcial Hot Topic Loyalty Carde”.
Bringer of Darkness: And…she’s kind of an asshole.
TheMHFan: Correction, Bringer: she’s a HUGE asshole! She gives the finger to basically everyone she has an unjustified hatred for, even when they’re hospitalized…
Bringer of Darkness: …though, to be fair, “Snap” and “Loopin” were being perverts…
TheMHFan: …cruelly mocks her former best friend with her new best friend for no reason; hucks the Cruciatus curse at people whenever she feels like it; drops the F-bomb at almost any sentence she says; tells her friend who’s comforting her to f*ck off, despite how trivial her problem is and she could have LITERALLY JUST SHOT VOLDEMORT RIGHT THEN AND THERE; and just generally being a complete asshole.
Bringer of Darkness: And given she wants to be as goth as she claims to be, Ebony slits her wrists all the time…
TheMHFan: …which is actually pretty damn insensitive, considering depression is a SERIOUS issue plaguing teens around the globe! What the hell?! HAS THE ASSHOLE SUE NO EMPATHY?!?
Bringer of Darkness: *taps MH on the back* Calm down, MH. Calm down.
TheMHFan: *breathes in and out until he finally relaxes*
Bringer of Darkness: Thank you. But, thanks to her vampiric physiology, she can survive slitting her wrists. All. The. Freaking. TIME.
TheMHFan: Now that I’ve somehow sufficiently calmed down over a span of 10 seconds, I can safely say that Ebony’s physiology is…actually quite impressive. She can survive the heat of the sun WITHOUT any repercussions, and she can survive many common vampire ailments!
Bringer of Darkness: But as a vampire, she relies on drinking blood for sustenance, and she gets weak from prolonged lack of blood consumption.
TheMHFan: She’s also got MIND POWERS! She can send “telepathetic massages” to people’s minds. Again, what the hell does it do? Give you a back rub with her mind?
Bringer of Darkness: Another misspelling. What Ebony meant was she is able to send telepathic messages to people of her choosing.
VAMPIRE PHYSIOLOGY AND POWERS:
- Is a vampire, and thus, relies on blood for sustenance
- Can survive repeatedly cutting herself
- Is immune to many common vampire ailments, like burning under the sun
- With her vampire powers, can send “telepathetic massages”
TheMHFan: Even though, you know, you can’t move, like, at all?
Bringer of Darkness: She is also the desire of almost the entire Harry Potter male cast, unwittingly making men of all ages fall for her, even gay or bisexual men (at least in the story) like Harry, Ron, Draco, and Snape.
TheMHFan: And somehow, even after casting the Cruciatus curse a sh*tton of times, she HASN’T been arrested or kicked out of Hogwarts yet! She can even cast any spell she likes without the negative aftereffects, and somehow, she gets away with everything she does wrong!
Bringer of Darkness: Believe us, we know none of this makes any logical sense.
- Is the desire of almost the entire Harry Potter male cast
- Shrugged off the Imperius curse
- Despite having cast the Cruciatus curse multiple times, twice on Snape himself, she HASN’T been arrested and thrown in Azkaban, or kicked out of Hogwarts
- Has earned her status as the Queen of Mary Sues
- Is able to beat people up “sexily”
- Gets away with practically anything she does wrong
TheMHFan: Her main weakness? She’s F*CKING STUPID! Besides having the speaking level of a 10-year-old who doesn’t know how to text, she forgets she’s with Draco until she has sex with Harry…who somehow changed his name to Vampire…and then abandons Draco altogether; she skips classes all the time; and falls in and out of love with multiple characters, even if it’s somebody like Voldemort himself! Hell, she can’t even say her name straight! First Ebony, then Enoby…JEEZ, AT LEAST LEARN SOME CONSISTENCY! Plus, she can be killed by a f*cking ribeye, people!
Bringer of Darkness: Another misspelling, MH. What she meant was “stake”, though she isn’t affected by crosses in the slightest. Finally, while Ebony may possess knowledge of virtually every spell in the Harry Potter world, her lack of going to class really affects her abilities to act accordingly in a battle situation.
- Is incredibly stupid
- Illiterate as all hell
- Gets weak from lack of blood consumption
- Thinks of her status as the most beautiful student (according to the author) at Hogwarts as a curse...wait, is this even a weakness?!
Bringer of Darkness: But will her ridiculous powers and her status as a Mary Sue grant her the victory over the archenemy of the Joestars, Dio Brando?
TheMHFan: Let’s find out!
(Ebony: Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).)
DIO BRANDO:Age: 122
Themes: Weakling, weakling! (Part 1); DIO’s World (Part 3)
Bringer of Darkness: Ah, DIO. The only villain in JoJo that people seem to remember.
TheMHFan: Well, I remember other villains! There’s still…
Bringer of Darkness: Hm? Know anybody?
TheMHFan: There was that guy who killed Kakyoin!
Bringer of Darkness: That was also Dio, you dumbass.
TheMHFan: …f*ck. Anyway, here we have Dio Brando, one of Anime’s Greatest Assholes of All Time. …the capitalizations are intentional.
Bringer of Darkness: Born into a dysfunctional family in the slums of London, Dio Brando was abused as a child by his alcoholic father, which is…honestly one of the typical reasons why one becomes a villain in anime.
TheMHFan: So, naturally, Dio did what any loving son would do to his dad: he poisoned his dad! But before he died, Dio’s dad told him that a dude owed him a favor.
Bringer of Darkness: This man that the dying Dario was talking about was a wealthy man named George Joestar, and Dario believed that Dio could make his way into the Joestar family and become wealthy himself.
TheMHFan: Despite very clear warnings that this kid would become a complete asshole, George decided to be a nice guy and adopt him. And so began Dio’s quest for utter assholery, which involved poisoning dudes, killing cops, fighting with his bro, and just being a complete asshole!
Bringer of Darkness: His spree would continue until he came across a legendary Stone Mask…that turned him into a vampire.
TheMHFan: …welp, that escalated quickly.
Bringer of Darkness: With his new power, Dio would amass an army of the dead to take over the world. Dio would soon do battle with his adoptive brother Jonathan Joestar, and the latter would succeed in defeating him with his weakness, Hamon.
TheMHFan: Buuuut then Dio pulled a “Not dead yet!” and killed Jonathan! Though at the cost of his own life…NOT! Turns out he was STILL alive, and he managed to cut off Jonathan’s head and take over his lower body.
Bringer of Darkness: Despite being trapped in a casket underneath the ocean for a century, Dio resurfaced once more, gaining a new power called a “Stand”, which we’ll elaborate later.
TheMHFan: This new power caused the other JoJos around the world, including Joseph Joestar and Jotaro Kujo, to unite and do battle with Dio for a good, long time. And Dio doesn’t f*cking STAY dead! Even after he got killed by Jotaro, Dio still left some aftereffects that f*cked up the JoJos over and over and over again!
Bringer of Darkness: Enough backstory, MH. Dio is certainly a fine physical specimen. He can tear a street sign off the ground without breaking a sweat, he can lift and destroy a steamroller with his bare hands, and even dodge the punches of Star Platinum, which are recorded to be faster than light!
TheMHFan: You think you can kill this guy with regular vampire-killing stuff? Think again, my naïve friend! He LAUGHS at the face of crosses, stakes, garlic, and any other regular vampire-slaying weapons! He can tank Star Platinum’s punches, which by the way can break through DIAMONDS, and basically pulled a Dante in the face of a point-blank headshot!
- Strength: Easily tears through human bodies; can lift and wreck steamrollers with his bare hands; ripped a street sign off the ground with ease
- Speed and Reflexes: Dodged Hierophant Green’s Emerald Splash; dodged punches from Star Platinum
- Durability: Survived the destruction of his Stand; tanked punches from the diamond-busting Star Platinum; took a point-blank bullet to the head
- Senses: Could hear somebody’s heartbeat by placing his head on the ground they were lying on
TheMHFan: And being the manipulative asshole that he is, Dio’s really f*cking smart, being able to set up elaborate traps and plans for his enemies!
- Skilled and Merciless Fighter: Prefers to overwhelm the opposition with sheer ferocity and brute force
- Highly proficient in boxing and rugby
- Master Manipulator: Extremely charismatic; can smooth-talk and bribe people into doing what he wants
- Extremely Intelligent: Very skilled at setting traps and extensive plans
TheMHFan: ROAD ROLLER DAAAAA!!!!
Bringer of Darkness: …yeah, that.
- Knives: Dio carries an infinite amount of them; used in conjunction with his time stop
- Steamroller: Jumps up, drops a steamroller on the opponent, and punches the steamroller a lot of times until it explodes
Bringer of Darkness: Right. He can defy gravity via flying and…walking up walls, apparently. Dio also possesses a regenerative factor, which greatly helps his durability. He once regenerated himself faster than fire would burn him to a crisp, and he can survive getting bifurcated, beheaded, impaled, and the like.
TheMHFan: He’s also got a ridiculous yet badass vampire power: LAZOR EYES!
Bringer of Darkness: Actually, MH, those lasers are actually Dio’s own bodily fluids, highly pressurized to the extent that it can cut through, well…almost anything.
TheMHFan: And his lazor waterjet eyes are called the Space Ripper Stingy…Eyes… BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Bringer of Darkness: …why?
TheMHFan: HAHAHAHA!!! Were the guys behind JoJo drunk or rushing or something? Kinda like, “Hey, Joe, we need a name for cool laser shooty eye things!” “Sure thing, FASHBGVSFAOI, we just need to give it a name!” “How ‘bout Lazor Eyes?” “Too cliché.” “Space Water Ray?” “…Nah.” “Stingy Watereye?” “NO!” “…Jack the Ripper?” “Okay, too much Metal Gear!” “What if I took random words from those things and mushed them together, like ‘Space Ripper Stingy Eyes’?” “SAY NO MORE. YOU’RE PROMOTED.”
Bringer of Darkness: …okay? Dio is also capable of freezing his own blood and cover body parts with eyes to freeze any who he may touch.
- Defies gravity by walking up walls and flying
- Immortality: can live on even as a severed head
- Space Ripper Stingy Eyes: Shoots Dio’s own bodily fluids at his foe through compressed beams of liquid; can cut through almost anything
- Vaporization Freezing: freezes own blood; Dio can then cover his body parts in ice and freeze any foe who he may touch; works as an anti-Ripple weapon
Bringer of Darkness: Dio wields an entity known as a “Stand”, which is kind of a spirit that, well…stands beside you in combat, and aids you the whole time. Dio’s own Stand is called—
TheMHFan: ZA WARUDO!!!
Bringer of Darkness: …why the hell did that line get so famous and memed?
TheMHFan: The internet can’t help it! Dio and The World are hammy as all hell!
Bringer of Darkness: …okay? The World is just as tough as, if not tougher than, its master. As claimed by Dio himself, and as proven on certain occasions, The World is even stronger and faster than Star Platinum, which, as we mentioned before, can shatter diamonds. It’s also been recorded as faster than light in its attacks, since it can literally land millions of punches in seconds.
TheMHFan: Dunno if that stacks up to a “gazillion” gunshots…
Bringer of Darkness: We’ll see.
- Dio’s Stand; a manifestation of his psyche
- Can be summoned at any time
- Level A: Excellent
- Surpassed Jotaro’s Star Platinum in strength
- Punched Kakyoin through his abdomen
- Level A: Excellent
- Is close in speed to Star Platinum, who is faster than light; The World itself is faster than light
- Can punch millions of times per second
- Level A: Excellent
- Tanked a barrage of punches from Star Platinum
- Level C: Average
- Can move up to 10 meters away from Dio
- Level B: Good
- Developmental Potential:
- Level B: Good
(Dio: ZA WARUDO! TOKI WO TOMARE!)
Bringer of Darkness: Which literally translates to “The World, stop time!”
TheMHFan: Yeah, you heard that right! The World can literally stop time in its tracks, and during the time stop, only Dio can move! And like the hammy asshole he is, Dio can spam his time stop!
Bringer of Darkness: Though there’s somewhat of a cooldown period between his time stops. At first, Dio’s time stop only lasted for five seconds, but as he grew more accustomed to Jonathan Joestar’s body, the limit grew and grew until it reached eleven seconds.
TheMHFan: Which somehow lasts a goddamn minute in JoJo!
Bringer of Darkness: Aside from the…odd flow of time, eleven seconds is actually a pretty long time when the speed, strength, and precision of The World’s attacks are taken into consideration.
- Allows Dio to, well…stop time
- Dio can move freely when time stops
- The time stop reaches all the way into space
- Completely spammable
- Initially only lasted for five seconds, but as Dio grew more accustomed to Jonathan’s body, the limit grew to eleven seconds upon Dio’s death; had he survived his fight with Jotaro, it is implied that the limit could have grown
- Kinetic energy from his attacks won’t affect frozen opponents before time resumes; Dio can use this to stack up damage by punching his foe as much as he possibly can until time resumes
TheMHFan: Even in his teen years, Dio had shown off-the-charts levels of assholery. I mean, the dude poisoned his dad, burned Jonathan’s pet dog to death, planned to kill his adoptive dad, killed two men just to test out a Stone Mask, and killed his adoptive father and used his blood in the Stone Mask, which he then used to renounce his humanity and become a vampire!
Bringer of Darkness: As a vampire, his first atrocity was to kill a group of policemen who tried to arrest him within moments. He also was able to raise an army of the dead within days, and survived being impaled, burned alive by fire and Ripple, and decapitated. And he even managed to kill Jonathan Joestar and take over his body.
TheMHFan: And despite being a freaking OP vampire, Dio sent a lot of Stand-using assassins to kill Jotaro Kujo and crew, but when Dio HIMSELF jumped into the fray, he managed to kill Noriaki Kakyoin, and nearly killed Joseph Joestar and Jotaro himself!
Bringer of Darkness: And thanks to his immortality, he is the only person who was able to survive the destruction of his own Stand.
TheMHFan: Let’s not forget his greatest achievement of all: He became one of anime’s most iconic memes!
- As a human, committed various atrocities: he poisoned his own father, burned Jonathan’s pet dog to death, plotted to kill his adoptive father, killed two men for the sole purpose of testing a Stone Mask, and eventually killed his adoptive father and used the Stone Mask to renounce his humanity and become a vampire
- As a vampire, his first atrocity was to kill a bunch of policemen sent to arrest him, within moments
- Survived his initial duel with Jonathan Joestar, ultimately managing to kill the latter and possessing his body
- Sent a handful of Stand users to kill Jotaro Kujo and crew
- Killed Noriaki Kakyoin
- Nearly killed Joseph Joestar and Jotaro (he nearly killed the latter by DROPPING A STEAMROLLER OVER HIS HEAD)
- Thanks to his immortality, is the only person known to survive the destruction of his Stand
- Turned JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure into one of the most memetastic animes ever
TheMHFan: You can kill him with sunlight! If you don’t have sunlight, similar powers like Hamon or Ripple will do him in!
Bringer of Darkness: While it is extremely powerful, The World can only move up to 10 meters away from Dio, and any damage it accumulates is also inflicted on Dio himself. Also, Jonathan’s body is still rejecting him, and thus Dio is weaker than he should be, but he soon remedied this by drinking Joseph’s blood.
TheMHFan: But most of all, this guy is an extremely arrogant prick! Seriously, his God complex is so huge that it hurts!
Bringer of Darkness: Given his exceedingly abundant arrogance, Dio oftentimes flies into a rage whenever any of his plans goes haywire.
TheMHFan: You can’t really count the times this guy’s arrogant assholery left him out in the open!
- Sunlight (or similar powers like Hamon) will disintegrate his body
- The World can only move 10 meters away from Dio
- Any damage The World accumulates is also inflicted on Dio
- Jonathan’s body is still rejecting him, and thus he is weaker than he could be (this was remedied by Dio sucking Joseph’s blood)
- Time stop can be countered by similar powers
- Arrogant as all hell
- Believes all life to be below him
- Considers himself as God
- When his plans go haywire, he flies into a rage
- Skips leg day
Bringer of Darkness: But will Dio’s powers, undying arrogance, and The World be enough to end the reign of the Queen of Mary Sues, Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way?
TheMHFan: Well, whichever one of these egotistical assholes wins, humanity loses anyway, so we’ve no choice but to find out.
Credits to jamesbreaker15 for additional info on Dio
Anybody can use the Ebony bio as long as they credit me
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My Immortal vs JoJo's Bizarre Adventure! Two of fiction's most notorious and memed-on asshole vampires will clash. Who shall win in this bizarre duel of self-centered asshole vampires?
Ebony and My Immortal © Tara Gilesbie
Dio and JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure © Hirohiko Araki
Ebony and My Immortal © Tara Gilesbie
Dio and JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure © Hirohiko Araki
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