November Rose

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namenotrequired's avatar

Literature Text

Stumbling through the autumn rain
A lonely merchant on his way
the woods offer no place to stay
but suddenly, a light ray --

A sole flower withstands the storm
Blossoming, unscarred
underneath the soaking trees
to brighten up his heart

          All months the same, October Rain
          Washing the light and bright away
          And yet here grows, this November Rose
          Shining through this world of grey

A flower withstands November storms -
Sign of a chancing world
The showers and leaves
fall from clouds and trees
Yet the rose remains unstirred...

          All months the same, October Rain
          Washing away the summer dirt
          And yet here grows, this November Rose
          What's going on with this earth!?
I started writing this at the start of November. My dad had just come back from a walk in the forest - even though it had been pouring heavily for about a week - and brought home a rose he found.

It made me think... if roses are growing in November now, what does that say about the earth? :shrug:

Anyway, now it's finally ready and here it is :) Critical comments welcome :D

Preview Image: Raining Magic by *EliseEnchanted :heart: Used with her kind permission.:aww:

Thanks to #dA-Talent, #TheSp0t, #Daily-Lit-Deviations, #EnchantedPoetry and #Rose-Passion for requesting this to be submitted to their group! :aww:
Thanks to *DailyLitDeviations for the DLD feature and Daily Pick :love:

Under Creative Commons Licence

:heart: Art Dedications :heart:

:star: By ~ShadowDragon973 :star:

:heart: Article Dedications :heart:

On the poet: =namenotrequired

:star: ~Cait-Ry on my poetry :star:
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LadyofGaerdon's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I feel kind of silly critiquing you, because you're - well, you. Senior member and all. <img src="…" width="19" height="19" alt="^^;" title="Sweating a little..."/> But I'll give it a try anyway. First of all, I really like this. It paints a lovely picture in my heard. I can hear the rain falling and smell the woods and feel the softness of the petals. The imagery and the message are wonderful.

The only potential problems I noticed concern the rhythm. While reading, I imagined it more as a song than a poem, and so maybe the rhythm issues are my fault, because it read it incorrectly. However, considering I think it flows well enough to be a song, obviously I thought the flow was good overall.

Your rhythm starts off well, but it just stalled out for me at "light ray". The line feels too short and just doesn't mesh with the rhythm of the rest of the stanza. Even if you just added an extra syllable, such as changing "light" to "shining" or "gleaming", etc. I do realize that poetry doesn't require the EXACT same number of syllables in order to flow correctly, but sometimes too much of a gap in the amount of syllables line to line can be a problem.

I would seriously consider changing "withstanding" to "withstands". In the first stanza you use it in, it makes the stanza flow better, and in the second stanza you use it in, it adds much more impact. "Withstanding" in the first stanza you use it in sounds slightly awkward, and it takes the reader out of the scene. Using a present tense verb in this case helps to suck the reader in more effectively, I think.

Your first stanza beginning with "All months the same..." is completely perfect as is, and is very effective.

Your "the showers and leaves" line MIGHT be just a little too long. It could possibly be changed to "Showers and leaves, from clouds and trees" gets exactly the same thing across with better flow.

I'm not too into the ending. The rest of the poem is more serious, and so the last line feels out of place. It's too informal and offhand. Maybe change it to "What is happening to this earth?" or maybe "Ah, the mysteries of the earth". Or something. Though I'm not in love with the word "dirt" either. I think it would be more effective if you used a more specific word. I don't know, "dirt" is just such an ordinary word, you know?

This piece reminds me of my own "December Rain" poem, a bit. I didn't steal the idea from you, I swear! <img src="…" width="15" height="15" alt=";)" title=";) (Wink)"/>

I hope you found this critique helpful. Go easy on me, this is only the second one I've written. By the way, I'd really love to hear this as a song.