Lately (at least a year, probably longer), I've been struggling with my sense of confidence in what I create and something that's often called Impostor Syndrome. I won't go too far into it, because it's a negative ball of toxic crap and burns anyone who touches it, including me, and I don't really want to inflict that on you, but I've realized, importantly, that I don't share my art with anyone anymore. And I think that's shriveling me on the inside.
While at college, I hid a lot of things because I felt shame. Shame that I wrote so many pages and people gave me dagger-looks for it, and I had to choose between being prolific and being good, because in their minds, you can't be both. Shame that I wrote what they called "genre" instead of the "true" art-form of "literature." Shame that I could draw, too. I'll never forget that one kid who saw me doodling and demanded, "If you draw like that, why are you trying to get a writing degree?" That one hurt, 'cause drawing is my hobby and something that makes me happy, but writing is my passion and something that fills me with joy.
I had a few associates. I don't know if I'd call most of them friends, since I couldn't share that one thing that was so personal to me--my creativity--because I did so once and the jerk burned me so badly, I still hear his voice in my head (he took me apart, piece by piece, for two years; I'm still fixing the damage he caused).
But I so, so desperately want to share what I do. It's hard to keep screaming into a void and never hearing anything but my own voice echoing back across an impossible distance. I want to share what I make in a space where I feel safe. And yesterday, I remembered:
"I felt safe on DeviantART."
I miss the community I had on here. I miss the friends that I made. I miss the connection I had with other people, a connection that wasn't toxic or competitive or destructive. I miss all of you and I want to come back.
I've decided to share my writing on here. Maybe a bit more art, since I've been doing more of it now (though not much is finished). Mostly, I'll share the stuff that I either can't find a market for, or was fun but not publishable for whatever reason. I'm going to try to be more active again and give as much as I take.