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I know that at this point no one comes on here anymore, and that's cool. I don't expect you to at this point. I can't remember the last time I actually posted something, much less interacted. Still, I'd like to say that I am completely done with this account. I am deleting everything off of it and abandoning it like a ghost of my past~ So dramatic. xD Not really though. I just have no reason to be on here. I settled into my other account and all this one does is take up time in clearing out the messages, so I am just done. I unfollowed everyone. I am going to take down most of my pieces-and probably submit them to the scraps of my other account. I guess this is goodbye.

If you want to get a hold of me, as always: :iconmuzica-g:, just come talk to me <3

Long Jouranl is Long But Vaguely Amusing

Journal Entry: Wed Sep 14, 2011, 1:27 AM

Hey guys! How have all of you been? I hope well. :3 I've missed speaking with everyone. I want to start updating more so that I have more chances to speak with all of you, but honestly, I don't think that is going to happen. It still might, but I am not sure. I've not felt particularly poetic lately, and since I have even began working on Indirect Reflection's reboot or Music Played in Hell, it really isn't likely. Who knows, maybe love will strike the little Libra and she'll suddenly find her fingers on fire.

Right now, it is noon, and I have been going to sleep around six in the morning for the past few weeks. In case you can't guess, I am extremely tired, but for some reason, I don't want to sleep. Luckily, I haven't had any nightmares. I have a couple of my friends to thank for that. The last two nights, all I've dreamed of fictional characters. It has mostly been Kasey and Aaron, whom are RP characters. Kasey is mind and Aaron belongs to a friend. In my dream, I was talking with Kasey on a beach. He was older in my dream, so he wasn't as crazy, but he was still really colorful. It made me think of how he'll be when he grows up, and it makes me happy for his sake. He isn't like some of my characters that are hopeless. I dreamed of Tracy the night before. He is one of the few characters that I have killed off in an RP. He actually gave me dating advice. Too bad it wasn't something that applied to my current troubles. :P

Moving on from dreams to RPs! I have eight RPs going with one of my friends. Some of them have more than one pairing in them. Right now I am going through the music that I like and trying to pick songs that fit each couple. Anyway, the RPs and pairings are:
Sweet Rapture
Kieran and Jason… For the few that know the pair, I know it seems a tad soft, but just think how tender they are with each other. They may joke and laugh a lot, but their feelings for each other are gentle, but strong (Plus they speak French to each other all the time. >///<
Otto and Warui… Again, for those that you know them, you'll know this is perfect. It is so childish, but so in love. It is sweet and loving and everything that they are and will always be to each other.
Cupcuki and Balan (I dunno with this one. >.>)
Love is Weird and Gets Weirder
Connie and Merlin… xD This is more from Connie's POV. Merlin is so awful for him, but he is powerless to resist him, and Merlin abuses and misuses him heartlessly.
Sherlock and Marcus… Fuck. Yes. This song is perfect for them. Of course, we are still debating if these two would actually get together, but I love the idea. xDD
Daren and Tracy… It is the song that inspired them. :} Of course it is their song. *tear*… This is a close second, because it just fits so perfect. :'(
not hardcore enough
Chiga and Nobu… I love, love, love this song for those two. :3 It sort of really fits them, because even the simplest things mean so much. Chiga is so anti-touch, but Nobu loves to cling to people. xD
Hikaru and Asahi… Well, I don't know about love, but these two do swing back and forth a lot. Asahi isn't even sure if he is friends with Hikaru at times, and Hikaru's best friend is Asahi D: xD
L o v e I s . . .
Aaron and Kasey… I don't know if it is because my friend sent me a link to this while we were talking about the two of them, but for some reason this first them. "Make believe" particularly suits Kasey. :3
Hopeless Destiny
Shane and Luka… So perfect. A) They are living in a world where being gay is punishable by death or exile and they are both in the military, where they are even more strict about it. B) Shane is a sadist that feels nothing for Luka. C) Luka is in love with him and has no idea why, but can't stay away.
Rainbow Road
Cindi and Zaizan… I think this sort of suits them, but as I get to know them better, I'm sure that I'll find something that suits them better. :3
We haven't started our android RP, but from the details we've decided on, I am willing to bet that… will fit perfectly.

Aside from those RPs, I only have one other that I am really obsessed with, and that is called Royal Affairs. I adore the couple in this, because they both young, but mature, though Gareth does his best to deny it. Of course, I love RPing with Dark, but since we rarely stick with on RP for very long, I haven't really gotten the chance to fall head over heels for any of our characters/pairings. xD

Geezus, I am so behind on work. I was supposed to have the second draft done for Decision, but I am twiddling my thumbs and brain farting. I seriously need someone to kick me in the butt and remind me to get it done. I am sort of disgusted with myself because of it. It has taken so long that I am ashamed to talk to Sandy-Chan. :( She has been so incredibly patient with me and hasn't pestered me about it at all, but I still feel so bad. It doesn't help that every time I sit down to work on it, I either end up getting distracted by my family or I am utterly lacking inspiration. I've been chipping away at it, but doing that really decreases the quality. I don't know what to do. ;;A;;

Holy crap, it is now officially time for me to be getting up. Why the hell hasn't the mail come through? D< I just went out and checked and it isn't there yet. Knowing my luck, that was the mail man. FFFF. I will go check again when I finish this.

Oh! I have another new idea. I really, really like this one. It would be titled "Four Leaf Clover" and it would consist of four short stories: "Flashes of Euphoria," "Breath of the Devil," "Perfect Rainbow in Hell," and "Little Girl." Each one covers a different "taboo/sin/crime," or rather the effects of societies views on these people and how it effects them even though they don't let themselves be completely controlled by it.
"Flashes of Euphoria" would revolve around a polygamous relationship. Two men and two women live together. The four sleep together and are in love. They don't sleep with anyone, but each other. They take care of each other and they are a family and happy that way. A little more in dept to their relationship: both of the girls sleep with both of the guys, but the two guys won't do more than give each other a friendly kiss and the two girls won't do more than give each other a friendly kiss. They are all heterosexual. However, the guys are really close friends and the girls are really close friends. If any of them drift apart for whatever reason, they are allowed to, but they don't break up. They've stayed together for over six years this way.

When the story starts, the youngest girl's mother gets sick. The girl knows that her mother is on her last legs and is going to die soon. Since she is the only child, she knows she has to go back. Without having to be asked, her boyfriends and girlfriend agree to go with her. Her mother was born, raised, married, brought up her kids, buried her husband, and plans to die in this small town. There is no way they can get her to leave, so they go to live with her. The house is big enough for all of them (especially considering that before that, they were living in a two bedroom apartment).

Upon arriving, they are greeted by a small, tight-knit, but welcoming community. Friends that Laine, the youngest, made when she lived there welcomed her back eagerly and her friends were welcomed as well. It was warm and they were all made to feel like family. They settled in nicely, and even considered moving there. However, after two weeks, it gets spread around that they aren't two individual couples, but four lovers. In a heartbeat, the community goes from warm and welcoming to cold and forbidding. Their neighbors stop bringing over home-made meals and instead leave them nasty letters. They are insulted and harassed in town. The girls are called whores/sluts/etc and the guys are called faggots. Nothing they can say or do deflects the anger that is unjustly directed at them.

The violence of the community gets so bad that the guys start making the girls go into town together, and then make them wait until one of the guys can go with them, and then they forbid the girls from going at all. Eventually, that isn't enough and Yorick, the oldest of the two men, comes home beaten and bloody. Laine is blaming herself for everything, falling apart emotionally, and none of them know what to do, but be patient. It eventually becomes a waiting game: waiting for Laine's mother to die so that they can sell the house and return to their home in the city.

The story ends with the wait ending. At the funeral, Laine receives more disrespect and rejection from the community she had grown up in. As a part of her mother's eulogy, she finds the strength to give them a tongue lashing. While no one reacts, she knows that they are outraged and no matter how much she preaches, she'll never get through to them, and she accepts that. She accepts that she can't make everyone happy, but she is determined to make those she loves as happy as possible.

The cover for this one would be four small children playing tag together: two boys and two girls. The smallest of the girls, a brunette with green eyes and freckles, would be chasing after the older three. The tallest would be the other girl, a blonde with brown eyes and a slight over bite, and then a dark haired boy with brown eyes and a darker complexion. The other boy would be a redhead with blue eyes, freckles, and pale skin. It would be very lighthearted and innocent.

Breath of the Devil would center on an abusive relationship between a man and a woman. In this relationship, the woman is the aggressor, but not without retribution. When the two got together, Owen was a sweet kid, but he had a bit of a mean streak. He wasn't about to take crap from anybody, but he had never hit a girl before. Julia was a few years older than him, into hard drugs, and a complete wreck. When they moved in together, he thought he was going to fix her up. Julia ended up breaking him down. Her constant verbal and mental abuse torn at him, especially since he loved her. He wanted to be around her, and he knew she was sick. He was young and he was strong. He could handle it, but then one night, she took it too far and he snapped and hit her. Instantly, he was apologizing, but she hit him back, screaming, cussing, and laughing. Without meaning to, he hit her again and again and again, until she stopped struggling. That was just the beginning.

The abuse continued for years, and even though Owen had as many bruises and more scars than Julia, their friends grew to hate him. They begged Julia to leave him, to find someone that would take care of her and not hurt her. She milked it, lying to their friends, making them even more unhappy with Owen, and as her verbal and mental abuse continued, he began to believe what she was saying to him. He was worthless. No one loved him. If it wasn't for her, he would have and be absolutely nothing. Early on, he tried to escape a few times, but she always found him, always lured him back wrls everything they wantedith sweet words and promises of change. Nothing changed except to get worse, and eventually, he just blindly obeyed her. He did everything said, even when she told him to hit her.

Their story ends with a softer, intimate moment between them. Julia apologizes for everything, for making him into a monster. She explains that when she was younger, her step-father and step-brothers beat and raped her on an almost daily routine. Her mother did nothing because she was petrified. When she was old enough, she ran away and never looked back, but she ended up in a relationship just like the one her mom had with her step-dad. She fled from that, but ended up with another man that hurt her, and another. She realized that she couldn't be with someone unless they hurt her, but she didn't want that, didn't want to lose control, so she chose him, shaped him into something she could love and be safe with, but enough was enough tonight it ends.

The scene switches to Julia talking to the cops. She is smoking, teary-eyed, and explaining calmly that she killed him in cold blood. The scene switches again, she is getting off on self defense.

The cover for this one would be a man and a woman in front of a yin-yang sign. The woman is extremely petite, with a thin frame and long, black hair that goes past her waist. She is dressed in a flowing white dress. The man is tall with broad shoulders, fair blonde hair and wearing black clothes. The woman's eyes glow red and the man's blue. The man is lunging at the woman, strangling her. The woman is kicking/kneeing the man in the nuts while clawing at his face.

a Perfect Rainbow in Hell focuses primarily on infidelity and a war between the heart and obligations. When Will was in his final year of college, he made a shocking discovery: he was gay. He had known that he wasn't "normal" for quite some time, but when he met Dominic and fell head over heels for him, he had to accept it. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. In a fit of denial, he slept with his best friend, a beautiful, ambitious young girl named Helen. Unfortunately, that one time was enough to get her pregnant. Still not ready to face up, he married his best friend and they brought up their little girl with all of the love they had. When she was four, they gave her a second sister. However, they were both parents, but not husband and wife. Neither of them was delusional enough to think that they had anything real, but they were close enough to keep their relationship alive. Helen had her job, and that was enough for her.

Will taught painting classes at a local community center while Helen continued to climb up the cooperate ladder. They lived comfortably in a home that they both deemed perfect and managed to give their girls everything they wanted without struggling. On year, when he was thirty-five, his daughters are eleven and seven,  he decided to start a personal project, a series of five paintings with one model. After discussing it with his wife and getting her agreement, he calls a modeling agency and gives them general specifications: he wants to paint a young man that is average height with a thin build, but other than that, he doesn't care. He wants to do these pictures as a representation of himself, has all of the poses planned, but all of that goes out the window when he sees who it is: Dominic. The two are in a public place, so neither is really comfortable with saying what they want to say, but they do end up laughing at how cruel fate is. After discussing it, they agree that they will go through with the paintings and maintain a professional relationship.

While working on the first painting, they grow closer, becoming friends and Dominic gets close with Angelica and Suzanne, Will's two daughters. When they finish the painting, they celebrate it with a drink and end up kissing. Both brush it off, Dominic jokes about it and Will goes along with it easily. The two continue to get closer over the next two paintings and their "friendship" steadily becomes less platonic. Without really thinking about it, they touch each other affectionately, hug and kiss when they are alone, and go for many lunch and dinner dates, mostly discussing the painting at hand, but both of them know that the conversation is just an excuse to be together. Halfway through the forth painting, the two take a break and talk a bit about what happened, and they end up kissing and taking things farther than either of them meant to. Will expects Dominic to avoid him, but instead the other shows up on time with a smile and a wave. Their relationship becomes even more affectionate and loving and the forth picture is finished.

They start work on the final picture, and Will starts talking about selling the pictures and using the money to pay the modeling agency to hire Dominic again. Oddly, Dominic seems to take offense and becomes distant. When the picture is finished, the two go for drinks as they have done every time and go back to a hotel. They stay there over night and in the morning, Dominic breaks up with him. He explains that he refuses to be someone's whore, to be hired for sex, because even if he does make his living with his body, it is showing off the beauty of it. He adds that he can't be a side piece, the person that comes around when his wife isn't around and is only involved with his life on some days. He needs love. Will tries to argue that he does love Dominic, and the younger man tells him that he believes that Will truly does love him, but he loves his daughters more and that is how it should be, but how long would Dominic have to wait to have even the second fiddle? Will's act with his wife takes that place. Will tries to argue that he'll divorce his wife as soon as the girls are grown, but Dominic tells him he can't wait that long. In eleven years, he could find the love of his life and be happily married with his own children. It ends with him walking out the door and Will thinking back over his words and everything that had happened.

The painting for this would be of two men. A man with brown hair would be facing away from the picture, standing in front of a canvas with a paint palette in one hand and a brush in the other. The second man, a black haired man with stunning blue eyes would be facing the first man, standing completely naked. On the canvas, the same black haired man would be painted, but with clothing on him.

Little Girl focuses on a high school student and her relationship with her teacher. From the moment Taylor first got into school, she was bullied. At first, it was because she was short and portly, but then she steadily became more of a nerd and social outcast. By the time she enters high school, she never expects for it to stop and has given up hope that anyone will stand up for her or do anything about it. On her first day of school, her home room teacher stands up for her and actively protects her throughout the following years. Taylor is shocked and then begins to admire her teacher, who is fresh out of college and a very beautiful young woman. Ms. King, her homeroom teacher, was also a victim of bullying, which is why she defends Taylor, not realizing that it makes the girl fall in love with her.

Even though Taylor is in her homeroom class for all four years of high school, she never notices the young girl's feelings, so in a desperate to win her first love over, Taylor dramatically transforms herself over the summer, working out and losing the weight she always wanted to, improving her hygiene, putting effort into her appearance. That is still not enough to get the teacher's attention, so she begins to flirt with her and when even that goes unnoticed, she confessed to her flat out. Ms. King has always felt close to Taylor because she can relate to her, but she still knows that it is wrong, so she tells her no and to back off and behave. Taylor is only put off for a while, and on the last day of school before summer vacation, she convinced Ms. King to stay late to help her with something. It has been over a month since Taylor confessed and Ms. King is convinced the girl is over it, so she agrees. Once more, Taylor pushes the issue and for some unknown reason, Ms. King gives in.

The two carry out their relationship in private. Even though Ms. King is Taylor's home room teacher, she really has no say in her academic life. Her responsibility is more to be a guidance counselor for her homeroom. For Taylor's eighteenth birthday, the two go for a date in public, which they normally don't do. They only have dinner, but still someone catches them. After receiving a copy of the blackmail, Taylor panics, ends her relationship with Ms. King, and after a few more weeks, drops out of high school. At the end of the school year, she comes back to explain herself, only to find that Ms. King is engaged to a man with a child on the way. It ends with her feeling oddly relieved and happy.
The one would have two women on the cover. One is an African American woman with sleek hair, dark, exotic eyes, and a sly smile. The other is a fair haired girl with green eyes and a childish smirk. The two are facing away from each other, passing a note.

That took way more time to type up than it should have. Honestly, I had all but a Perfect Rainbow and Little Girl typed up on Friday. It is now Wednesday of the following week, four AM, so at least it is a natural hour to be awake, I suppose. Well, natural for me. I am back to sleeping from six AM to two PM. It feels right to me, but I hate how hot it is when I wake up. It means I wake up sweaty and then I feel dirty the rest of the day. It is disgusting.

This may seem random and unrelated, but it will make sense once you read down. I have a phobia of physical contact. For as long as I can remember, I can't stand when my skin touches someone else's. It is dirty. That is all I can think when it happens. Depending on my state of mind, I am liable to hurt myself trying to get rid of the feeling. I've actually scratched my skin until it was raw because I couldn't make the feeling go away any other way. Back in school, I had to wear a heavy jacket to avoid this problem. Even in summer, I wouldn't take it off because I was so terrified of it. Since then, I have greatly improved. If I mentally brace myself, I can shake a stranger's hand or not panic at a light brush. For whatever reason, if it is someone I know, I don't get the feeling at all, even if I don't realize it is them. This feeling is worse with men than women, which is part of the reason I prefer women. If a guy touches me, I have to instantly wash my skin or I get freaked out. It has been like this for as long as I can remember, and I am trying to change it, trying to get better. There has been a lot of improvement, but at the same time, I usually have to wear long sleeves and sit in corners when I go into town. Someday, I'll be able to stand in a crowd and not shudder at every brush, but for right now, I'm happy that I can shake hands without jerking my hand away instantly.

Moving onto why I brought this up: Hinfallend was so sweet as to post a crap journal, and I would like to explain a bit of the nonsense she spewed.

Recently, my younger brother brought over one of his friends. Said friend thought it would be funny to flirt with me. After informing him that while I identify as pansexual, I prefer women, I flirted back. I'm a romantic and it comes naturally to me. It was flattering and sweet to have him flirt with me, but just as easily as he dismissed the fact that I like girls, I dismissed him. One) He is a guy. Two) He is a kid. Three) He is my brother's friend. It would have stayed at that but he is an exception to the above mentioned fear. When he wrapped his arms around me, I didn't feel the panicky disgust I always did. I felt warm and comfortable, safe even, almost like when Hin is hugging me. I know that I still can't stand to be touched. Last Friday proved that to me, so I don't know why I can tolerate him, a male that openly expresses interest in me. I...I sincerely don't know what to do about it.

I am reading the Hunger Games now. It makes me want to take my lovely little bigot Joshua and stick him in the hunger games, but I doubt that I can find anyone that would RP it with me. :( Why RP? Because I currently have way too many writing projects to get done. Plus, I don't want to have to create a second character, and yes there has to be a second character. Joshua was created to fall in love with a guy and end up questioning himself. Long story short, instead of it being like the Hunger Games, the characters are abducted from all over the world and taken to an underground stadium. Some of them are warriors, while others, like Joshua, are just your average, everyday teenagers. All of them are ages 13-18. Well, the other character would be one of the warriors, and for whatever reason, he decides to keep Joshua alive (maybe he just wants a partner or he likes Joshua). The other guy would have to make a move on Joshua, and since Josh relies on him, he tolerates it...At least, at first he is tolerating it but then he realizes that he returns the other character's feelings. It would have more detail and make more sense than that, but currently my head is more than a little fuzzy so I can't explain it well.

I also want to do another RP. It would center on this seventeen year old guy that is obsessed with the occult. His father is a pasture that does not practice what he preaches. He beats the boy's mom, cheats on her, drinks, and generally defiles the bible. While, to rebel against him, the guy worships Satan and practices witch craft. One night, he attempts to summon a demon and it actually works. Unfortunately, he lacks both the power and the skill to control the demon. The demon over powers him and possesses him. However, rather than destroy him or his life, the demon rejoices in the new found freedom and lives like a normal human. All the while, he and the human are stuck in the boy's head together. The demon only lets the boy in control at night, when he is sleeping. He does this to keep the soul and body tethered so that he doesn't lose control. Eventually, the boy convinces him to give up power of his body, and in exchange, he would create a body for the demon. They attempt it, it works out, but the two have to hold hands for the demon's body to stay alive, and if the demon dies, the boy will lose three of his senses. They can let go of each other for only an hour at the longest and then they have to hold hands for five hours before they can even let go for a second. Even with his human body, the demon is stronger and becomes a bit of a bully to the human. They end up in a messed up relationship, both filled with these feelings of anger and resentment that they can't direct anywhere else. Just as things become routine for them, an angel for heaven arrives, there to save the boy. Unfortunately, rather than save the boy and banish the demon, the angel becomes corrupted. He is young and inexperienced, but the demon has made more than one angel fall before.

I want to write more, but my head is so foggy that everything is spinning. I am going to go read and nap a bit. I meant to write so much that the little scroll bar would be tiny, but I guess this is enough. I'll ask again: how are you? Did you read all of that? tl;dr? Can't blame you. :3

Sites and Stamps

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