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Death isn't so definite
It isn't the end of it

We killed her, you see
She is now walking away from me

Strolling down the road,
Telling stories that shouldn't be told
Peddling drugs that shouldn't be sold
Forgetting grudges that I would hold

This isn't the end
Because she walks again
She is alive again
She is in my heart again
And this cycle can't end
Because she remains my friend

Maybe you should kill her
Once more
With ropes, we'll tie her
Again
We'll douse her in liquor
This time
Light her on fire
Forever

This will be the end
Because she walks free
Just as she should be
Allowed to escape me
And this cycle can end
With her as my friend

Running down the road
Her tongue will bleed from lies told
Her fingers will be burnt from poison sold
Joyful because of someone she shouldn't hold

She'll try to flee from us
Because we are notorious

But she will return again
Because death is not the end
It was just a little game
Meant to cause a little pain
We were just too arrogant
To realize that we shouldn't
Take her hand, wrapped in cotton
Don't forget a single button
Count of three, pick her up
Set her down
We'll play hide and seek
In the ground
It was just a little game
Meant to cause a little pain
We just went a little to far
Now we have a body in our car
Hidden with just a blanket
Our only goal it to bury it


We've all got skeletons in our closets. Some are literal. Some are figurative. Sometimes we aren't quite sure, so either way we chose to bury it.
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:iconrollingtomorrow:
RollingTomorrow Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2011   General Artist
Thank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at :iconwriters--club:! :la:

The theme of this poem is definitely a haunting one, but you did a very good job working with the dark themes here! It was an interesting read all the way through and you did a good job of expanding the tragic story with each line and stanza.

The piece flowed well, but the inconsistency of using rhymes in some places but not others was a bit distracting. Ending three consecutive lines with the word "again" felt awkward. Over all, your choice of words were good. :nod:

Keep up the good work!


*TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club, #LandoftheSky, and #Live-Love-Write
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:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2011
Thank you so much for the Critique (I had quite forgotten about submitting this piece, actually).

The story behind this one was important to me, so I am glad I managed to expand upon it and share it.

I have that problem with rhyming, but thank you for the tip. I shall take that into consideration for editing this piece. ^^

Thank you. :3
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:iconhinfallend:
Hinfallend Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
The part in your author's note is my favorite. It sounds like a nursery rhyme in my head ^_^
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:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2011
xD I know, right? I love it.
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:icondidaskaleinophobia:
Didaskaleinophobia Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2011
What's been inspiring you to write these? (obviously you don't have to answer)
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:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2011
Sugar and peppermint tea+Dark feelings+Inner questioning=Fun poetry :3
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:iconnachtetraum:
Nachtetraum Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I've been enjoying what you've been writing here lately. What you have been writing of hits home here lately. I hope you keep this streak of wonderful writing going.
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:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011
Thank you so much. I'm going to try to keep at it, but my muse seems to be slipping. Thank you for the :+fav:s :)
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:iconnachtetraum:
Nachtetraum Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Muses tend to be that way the little buggers. At least you have been able to write some decent material :heart:
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:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2011
Muse fading and fleeting
Constantly retreating
Abandoning me mid-sentence
Searching for the perfect ending

xD Agree. Better she visits me occasionally than not at all.
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September 25, 2011
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