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This December
I finally saw my father
For the first time in three years
Some of you
You've got to be asking
"How? Hasn't he always been here?"
I can't say

Sometimes it is only his face
Other times it is my father
Watching over me
I don't always know

Is it him or his monster?
Has the angry drunk come back
Overshadowing the hopeless romantic?

Maybe this is
Could just be my way of coping
Simply disassociating this constant rage
Possibly nothing
Since he functions without meds
He obviously isn't sick enough to cage
I can't say

It's just not his gaze
My father doesn't judge me
He believes in me
But I don't always know

Will I meet his monster or find my father?
Can the care giver really ever come back
Or is this just another part in the sadist's act

This December
I saw my father
For the first time in three years
Around the same time my parents were getting divorced, my father was diagnosed schizophrenic and bi polar, though I can't remember which type. For those of you who have never dealt with someone that is either: when he is happy, he stays happy. When he is angry, he never gets better. For the best three years, he has been angry. I can't imagine what has him so pissed off, and maybe it is stupid, but I blame myself.

For me, this has never been easy. My father used it as an excuse to be an ass. He knew that as long as it wasn't him, we would understand, and we do understand. However, he also doesn't bother trying to do anything about it. He doesn't realize that he isn't under control. He hurts me and everyone in this house with his words on a regular basis.

This December, for the first time in three years, I actually looked into his face and saw the man that had raised me, caught me when I stumbled, and let me stay up with him all night when I was a toddler because he worked.

I just pray he realizes how much I and everyone else in our family loves him.

This isn't a "boohoo, my life is so hard, whawhawah" piece. Or, it isn't meant to be. I only recently have been able to share this with people, because it hurts to even think that it is possible never to see the man that raised me.
:iconhinfallend:
Hinfallend Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:hug::huggle::glomp::cuddle::petting::pat::cling::tighthug::manhug::poke:
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:iconmelancholicdrips:
MelancholicDrips Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012  Student General Artist
:heart:
I don't think I can find any words to express... :aww:

Beautiful. Bittersweet, but beautiful... and so very profound. :aww::hug:
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:iconmgless:
mgless Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2012
aaawwwww. Schizophrenia and bipolar should never be mixed. My mom was abusive. But she also had like multipersonality disorder and a bunch of other mental f'd up stuff. It sucks.
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January 11, 2012
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