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Shivering as if a chill had crept into her bones, one that she could never escape, she curled in on herself. Her hands clawed at her scalp, her long nails digging in, searching for something to hold, even if that grasp caused her more pain than relief. There was still some relief in it.

Rocking back and forth, she laughed, forced herself to laugh. If she didn't laugh, she would cry. Crying wasn't an option. Crying burnt. Acid dripped from her eyes, scouring her cheeks, leaving them raw or bloody.

Maybe she should cry. Blood was release. Release was good. She had to let it out, get it out, force it out. It had to go. It hurt. Why did it hurt? When did it start hurting?

"Hush, hush," someone cooed. Was she speaking? She couldn't tell. What was she saying?

"Hush, hush." That's right. She needed to shut the fuck up. If she didn't, they'd hate her. If they didn't hate her, they would mock her.

"Hush, hush," and she would listen. The laughter died on her throat, died on her lips, died in the air. It was dead. What did it matter where it died? What did it matter if she died? Why couldn't she die? It hurt so much. She should be dead.

"Hush, hush." That's right. It only get worse if she thought about it. She couldn't think. She had to stop thinking. There was only one way to stop thinking.

Sucking in a breath, she bit her lips and refused to exhale. The world spun in front of her eyes, but it wasn't from a lack of oxygen, not yet.

No, the world was spinning faster. It wanted to get rid of her. The same way she wanted to get rid of herself, it wanted to get rid of her, be free of her. It was as sick of her dramatics as everyone else was. There was nothing wrong. How could she think that something was?

A mocking touch brushed her hair back away from her face, tilting her chin up. Staring into cold eyes, she heard a voice whisper sweetly, "Pain, pain, go away, come again another day."

"Hush, hush," the voice cooed again. It was comforting, but annoyed. It was sick of this. She was sick of this. They were all sick of this.

"Hush, hush." That was right. She was sick. That was why she was here, trapped in her head. If she wasn't sick, she would be out there, in the world where people wore faces, rather than hiding behind colorless eyes.

"Hush, hush," and she knew that she had to do just that. Biting her lip, she swallowed hard. It was difficult to silence her mind. It was all around her, screaming at her. It hated her, but not as much as she hated herself.

"Hush, hush." That was right. There was no way that her mind could be saying that. It didn't want her to be quiet. It wanted her to scream and scream and scream. It wanted her throat bloody and raw. It wanted to see her face burnt and covered in the blisters of tears. It couldn't be that trying to calm her.

Lifting her head, she blinked away the cold eyes and saw caring ones instead. Set on the round, elegant face of her dearest friend, she saw eyes pooled with concern and frustration. The anger wasn't at her. It was at the situation.

She blinked again-a mistake. She saw the face, older this time, but still the same. There was less compassion now and more frustration. Though the lips whispered the same comforting "hush, hush," the eyes demanded angrily, "How many more times will you make me suffer through this? I love you. This hurts me too."

Fighting back the tears boiling to the surface, she blinked again, trying to blink them away, trying to blink away the image.

Another face, the same but older still. The lips no longer moving in the comforting "hush, hush." They were pressed together, resisting a frown. The eyes held concern, but that was laced with contempt and anger. "How many more times?" they asked silently.

Turning away from the comfort, she accepted the truth. She accepted some day it would no longer matter. Some day, the repeated fits would outweigh the love. Some day, her friend's heart would break, and it would be all her fault.

Shaking her head, she dug her nails more tightly into her scalp. The pain was reality. It was the only reality. Shaking, too lost to do anything else, she wished and whispered the one thing that would fix everything. It would fix it that she wouldn't break her friend's heart. It would fix it that she wouldn't be abandoned. It would fix it that she would never suffer this again.

"One bang, bullet through the brain, no more pain."
Not feeling quite as cheerful as I should be. No more sugar until I am fixed.
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:iconlionheart-sp:
LionHeart-SP Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2011  Student Writer
beautiful. and completely relatable.
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011
That is the sort of thing that sucks. ;;A;; I had this feeling, but I'd rather suffer it all the time if I could spare everyone else, ya know?

Anyway, thanks for the fav on this. :3
Reply
:iconlionheart-sp:
LionHeart-SP Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2011  Student Writer
yeah, i always think putting my friends before my own needs is important

not a problem, it deserves more recognition.
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2011
It is more than just my friends. For me, it is everyone in the world. xD I have this theory that if we could bear each other's pain, it would cease to exist.

(: Thanks
Reply
:iconthesandhut:
TheSandHut Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
You dont eeeven understand how much i understand this. Soo much love for you right now <3
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011
Lovely little feeling, huh? "/ I hate it so much. ;;A;; But! Muzi is more manic than depressed, so it is easy for her. :hug: I hope that you have more good days than bad as well.
Reply
:iconthesandhut:
TheSandHut Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
:> Yush!
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2011
And Hin, this is what crashing is like for me.

I don't give a shit if the rest of them talk bad about me, but when I am like this, I can't think anything but how you are going to suffer from this. I hate it. I hate myself.
Reply
:iconhinfallend:
Hinfallend Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
...I honestly can't tell you how bad that hurts me that you think I will ever hate you, or how angry I get at myself and the world in general because I can't help you. I get pissed off at your parents for not doing shit for you. I hate that I can't even tell anyone about this because of how afraid we are of their reaction. I didn't want to comment on this piece because it causes seriously mixed emotions for me. I'm glad you shared on what crashing is like for you when I asked, so that is my fault. I'm sad because of the way you think when you crash. I'm angry because I can't do shit. I don't want you to feel guilty for making feel the way I do. It's sort of a lose-lose situation I'm stuck in.

The cotton and bubble-wrap are looking even more appealing, btw :/ And enjoy the disjointed and incoherent comment above ^_^ I blame it on having ovaries
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2011
:hug: I know and I am sorry, and I know how many times I tell you this, it still won't be fair. You do help though. Just being there you help. It isn't like they could help much anyway. "Pop a pill and shut up" is the universal rule of thumb for Therapist, so I'd probably receive the same treatment. Not worth the money. Eh, fuck 'em. As long as we have each other, we'll make it through. I am sorry, eleie. :hug: I need to add the part where I come out of the crash and rather than having to crawl back up, I am bounced halfway to the moon because of you~ Really, if I didn't have you, it would be a million times worse.

xDD It wasn't disjointed, but if I am wrapped in cotton or bubblewrap, I won't be able to type. :3
Reply
:iconhinfallend:
Hinfallend Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: *rolls around on the floor with you* I'm glad I help in some way. I would write back an epically long comment but my brain isn't working and trying to get a handle on anything in my head is like trying to convince a space monkey that the pink hippos are just an effect of the drugs in the banana.

I can leave your arms unwrapped long enough to let you type. :3
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:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2011
xDD I love you
Reply
:iconhinfallend:
Hinfallend Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
^_^ I love you too
Reply
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November 22, 2011
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