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I love you.

Looking at the text, a choked laugh escaped me. Clicking back up, I had to confirm for myself who it was from.

From: Stephie Bear
I love you.
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 8:42


I couldn't decide if ironic or insane fitted better. We had dated a few years back. I had been fourteen at the time and a royal brat. He hadn't been much better, but at least he had realized he was stupid. It had taken me a while to piece together how stupid I was.

Unfortunately, at least for me, I had really gotten hung up on him. At that time, I hadn't realized how much so, but as we had grown older and drifted farther apart, my heart ached for him more than it had for anyone else. Even when Aren had graduated and stopped talking to me didn't compare to the pain I felt when he silently drifted away.

Sure
CB: Lorelei
To: Stephie Bear
Sent:
Wed, Nov 18, 8:43


Thinking back to the short time we had dated, I wasn't sure how to feel. I knew I was angry. Even after the years, that quite frustration still plagued me. It was honestly directed inward, a silent screech of disgust that I was so desperate that my friend had dated me even when he liked somebody else.

Of course, back in those days, I had just been happy not to be alone. I hadn't realized that I could have a boyfriend, I could have close friends, and I could have my brother, and still be totally alone.

It had taken me a little more than two years to come to realize this, realize how truly I deserved to be abandoned and how easily they had done so.

From: Stephie Bear
Lore, I do love you. I always have
I just needed to grow up some,
and so did you.
Do you feel anything for me?
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 8:45


I could remember when I had wanted to read those words. At the moment, I didn't. In fact, all I wanted was for there to be a moment of silence. Since I had gotten home shortly after three, there had been constant noise and it was driving me insane.

Maybe it was my plea for help, for a life outside of the shell I had locked myself in, but I took the phone with me as I headed into the bathroom. Pain killer was on the top of my list of needs.

I always have, Steph.
But neither of us is
ready. Sorry.
CB: Lorelei
To: Stephie Bear
Sent:
Wed, Nov 18, 8:48


Finding the pain killer was easy. It was on the counter, where I had left it the last time. I didn't care much how much time had passed between now and then. What did it matter if I did some damage to my liver? It wasn't like I drank a lot of alcohol, and relieving my immediate pain was far more important than a possible illness in the future.

Opening it was far more difficult to do than finding it. My hands were shaking and nearly uncontrollable.

"Fuck!"

Screeching the word, he threw the pills against the hard edge of the tub. The top of the bottle popped off, and he suddenly felt so relieved that he couldn't stand. Sinking back against the cabinets, he slowly lowered himself to the ground.

From: Stephie Bear
I can wait. Just give it
some thought.
Okay?
Wed, Nov 18, 8:50


The sound that escaped my lips was the bastard child of a sob and a laugh. It literally hurt to let it out. Squeezing my eyes shut, I pressed the phone against my cheek so that I could rub my temples with both hands. The pounding in my skull was getting worse.

Steph...I don't think I
have the time.
CB: Lorelei
To: Stephie Bear
Sent:
Wed, Nov 18, 8:55


It was basically fact in my own opinion that the headache was going to kill me. The doctors swore it wouldn't, but I couldn't help thinking and believing otherwise. The human body, mind, and soul could only bear so much pain before it began to shut down. Slowly but certainly, I was dying even as I spoke to him.

Pushing away from the cabinet, I crawled across the floor. Slowly, I began picking the pills up. They were prescription strength pain killer. Since my migraines had gotten to the point that they were keeping me awake most nights, crying in silent agony, I had thought it was a healthy step. Nicolas still pestered me about only taking the recommended dosage.

What was the point in sticking with the proper amount if it didn't work?

Popping three pills in my mouth, I downed them with water. They wouldn't start working for a while yet, so I crawled into the tub. Maybe the cool, untouched porcelain would sooth some of the ache while I waited.

From: Stephie Bear
What's going on Lore?
Are you and Nicolas
Finally getting the fuck
out of here?
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 8:56



Staring at the text, I was suddenly struck with a brilliant, but simple realization.

I didn't have to continue suffering through these headaches, through this misery, and persist at being a bother to those I loved. There was an easy way out.

I am.
CB: Lorelei
To: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:01


For the past eight months, I couldn't imagine living to see the next day. My imagination had been spent and forgotten. In only a few difficult weeks, I had shut myself in and become what I promised myself I would never be. After my first few years of being withdrawn and self loathing at school, I had vowed to always let my rainbow shine. Just became my rainbow had vanished didn't give me an excuse to lie to myself.

Closing my eyes, I popped a few more pills, trying to speed the drugs up so that they would pacify me a little more. As it were, I couldn't block out the memories.

Mom had looked so angry, so betrayed. She had cried and sworn at me, demanding to know why. After she had supported me unquestioning and unwavering for sixteen miserable years, how had I just abandoned her? Even when I had been purposely causing trouble, she had just loved me.

Dad never got angry, but he had looked every bit as betrayed and even more heartbroken. No tears fell, but I could see the pain in his eyes, the silent demand to know why: why hadn't they been good enough for me? Why hadn't I just let things be? Why had I chosen Nicolas over them.

A very, very long story short: my parents were assholes, but they weren't the worst. In fact, they were some of the best, but they were always busy.

From the day after I was born, I played second fiddle to their work, social lives, and breaks from reality. Even when he was little he had understood: it wasn't that they didn't love him. They just loved themselves a lot more.

From: Stephie Bear
What do you mean?
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:01

From: Stephie Bear
Lorelie, are you okay?
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:02

From: Stephie Bear
I am here if you need to
talk.
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:02

From: Stephie Bear
No matter what, I am here
for you, and nothing
can change that.
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:03


It was sad. Nicolas had been the only one to love me constantly from the moment I was born, but his love had terms and conditions. I had to live up to my potential. I had to be perfect. I had to be as much like him as possible. Only then he could accept me for who I was.

He didn't care that I was gay, but knowing that I went out and partied pissed him off. He didn't care who my friends were, but seeing me slack off in school made him constantly angry at me. He didn't care what I did, but if I didn't fit in, I was just causing trouble in his opinion. My older brother loved me only as long as I was being a good kid.

From: Stephie Bear
Lore, I know I'm nagging
but it has been five minutes
and you have me scared.
Reply?
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:07


Standing up, I nearly slipped. The drugs had finally kicked in, but the pain wasn't fading. Everything just felt distant. Under different circumstances, I would have felt invincible. At the moment, I just felt fragile.

For some reason, I had thought that finding my razor would be as easy as it had been finding the pills. The key difference was the pills were used daily. I hadn't used that razor in years. In fact, the last time it had tasted my skin was when Stephan had broken up with me.

My head spinning and my balance nonexistent, I had to lean/slouch against the wall as I pawed carelessly through the medicine cabinet. It took a little too long to realize it wasn't there, but then I readily moved on.

Slumping down so that my knees were against my chin, I drug the door beneath the sink open and began to search. There, in the back, my fingers felt the familiar chill. Almost as if it had been waiting in the back of my mind since the last time it had struck, the desire to cut pounced on me.

Like a rabid beast, it tore at me, its claws slashing deep into me, deeper than the razor every cut, cutting more seriously than even a meet cleaver could.

Pulling it out into the light, I looked at the fine, silvery blade, and I realized just how familiar it was.

From: Stephie Bear
Love, I am going to walk
to your house. You had better
be okay when I get there or
I will seriously not be
happy.
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:15

From: Stephie Bear
It is balls cold out!
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:21

From: Stephie Bear
Geez, I miss having a
car. I mean, hate driving,
but totally miss the
convince of it.
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:24

From: Stephie Bear
Lorelei, come on at least
tell me to leave you alone
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:29


The phone went off in the background, but the music that filled my mind was the agonizing scream of my own voice. The beautiful voice of my saving grace continuously rang out, but like the idiot I had always been, I ignored it.

Instead, I slowly ran the cool metal over my skin. Normally, I boiled it in hot water or at least rinsed it with alcohol to disinfect it. This time, I didn't plan to let the wounds heal, so there would be no chance of infection. That knowledge was almost comforting.

Once my skin had grown used to the chill and the goosebumps had faded away, I began to drag the tip up and down, not yet applying enough pressure to cut. Just like every time, I had to brace myself, because some part of me didn't want to do it.

Some part of me wanted to laugh and smile and ignore the sick desire. Some part of me wanted to throw the blade away all together and live free of its call. Some part of me wanted to cling to life and all of the amazing things in it.

It was a small part, and compulsion easily crushed it. Just as easily, I forced the blade into my veins, starting at my elbow and slowly, painfully, dragging it downward.

Once I had reached my wrist, I slowly, carefully pulled the blade out. The line was oddly neat, considering all of the tough scars it had to cut through. Already crimson life swelled up from it. My nerves screamed in protest, demanding to know what was wrong with me, but that was just the beginning.

"Down the street, not across the road if you want to go," I murmured softly as I repeated the process.

In, the blade dipped. Down, the razor dragged. Out, my life flowed.

Once I got started, it was almost impossible to stop, and I didn't really want to. Each cut gained meaning, each bore a name of a different one of my crimes. Before long, I had run out of room, just from punishing myself for stupidity.

From: Stephie Bear
Lorelie, I am here. Let me
in.
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:45


Switching arms was a brilliant idea until I realized how much more difficult it was to get a straight line. Rather than continue to listing off all of my sins and shames, I struggled to keep a hold of the razor and draw perfect lines in my skin. The blood that ran up my wrist and over my fingers made it almost impossible to hold on, but slowly, I found a method that sort of worked.

It steadily became more difficult, until finally the blade escaped me. It clattered against the floor, coming to lay next to my thigh. Letting my hand fall to reach for it, I intended to get back to work only to make an unpleasant discovery.

There was suddenly concrete in each of my limbs. It was impossible to lift them.

Frowning and struggling against the dead weight, I tried desperately to finish the job, not realizing I already had. Slowly, things darkened, but my head continued to spin. Even as I dropped into oblivion, I still wasn't free of the pain.

From: Stephie Bear
Lorelei, I found the house key
You have 5
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:55

From: Stephie Bear
4!
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:56

From: Stephie Bear
3
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:57

From: Stephie Bear
2
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:57


From: Stephie Bear
1. I am coming in.
CB: Stephie Bear
Wed, Nov 18, 9:58






From: Stephie Bear
I always thought it would
be Levi or Aren, to be
honest. I am sorry.
From: Stephie Bear
CB: Wed, Nov 19, 2:30am
Someone give me the motivation not to kill him.

So, if you are a fan of Lorelei, you have three days to post a submission of your character meeting Lorelei sometime after his attempted suicide.

This means you can either:
Draw a picture of the two of them in the hospital/your character taking care of him in the ambulance/etc
Write a short fiction about the two of them in the hospital/your character taking care of him/etc.

If you want to "win" there are a few simple rules:
Your character must be male and gay (sorry, but that bit is for Lorelei, not me)
If you write it, Lorelei MUST be in character
If you draw it, you need make it actually look like Lorelei.

That is all. If you have any questions, feel free to comment.

((xDD This is dramatic, but I am bored and need something "challenging and new." Sorry~))
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:iconhereiamramblingagain:
HeReIaMRaMbLiNgAgAin Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2011  Student Digital Artist
no idea who the characters are, but the story is great.
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2011
xD I do too, but misfortune has it that I didn't actually kill him. xD

Thank you for the :+fav: on this and the two others~ :3
Reply
:iconamiistarr:
AmiiStarr Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2011  Student Artist
You have my reply so I'm not posting it on dA
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2011
mk
Reply
:iconsockytm:
SockyTM Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2011  Hobbyist Artist
XD I wanna make a reply....but...I don't want to play as Lorelei, because I suck at playing as other peoples characters and Ican't draw XDXDXDXDBUTHEREGOESNOTHING I'll try....something <_< sorry I'm always trying to steal all your characters...and sorry cause I know why you're killing him and I selfishly don't want your babies to die because they're all amazing and beautiful ((and I love Stephan too much already XP))
Reply
:iconmuzica-chan:
Muzica-chan Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2011
xD It isn't stealing them. They are already as good as yours. <3 :P
Stephan is cooping well, so it won't be too bad for him (though I am sort of playing him under the mindset that Lorelei might be dead or might just be in intensive care at the hospital).
xD Almost anything you do would be good enough for me. ^^
Reply
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