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At a young age, in fact when he was only 6 years old, Evan was diagnosed as being "emotionally unstable". He would frequently have temper tantrums and seemingly random mood swings and Evan's home life was believed to be a large factor. His parents fought and argued on a regular basis, leaving his older brother Will to try and make him feel better.
Nobody worried too much, in the belief he would simply grow out of it. This was not to be the case as, although he matured, he still quite often suffered from tantrums and mood swings.
Evan grew up in a small village, he attended the local schools and did not leave home to go to college when he turned 18. He had a group of good, close friends and always seemed happiest when spending time with them. His friends would think of him as a good listener and a great sympathiser when it came to dealing with any problems they were having.
If one of his friends was having a bad day, so would Evan, to the point where he might even cry. Similarly, if one of his friends had achieved something, he would feel as happy as them and be in a great mood for the rest of the day. He was simply seen as a very sensitive and caring individual.
Occasionally however, his mood swings would return. Birthdays were always good examples. Evan always seemed much happier seeing his friends on their birthdays than when it was actually his own birthday. Again, to his friends, this just made him seem like a very selfless person with a kind heart.
By the time he reached his twenties, Evan was still the same. One day, when he was 22 and living in his own apartment, Evan sat down on his bed to watch TV when suddenly he burst out crying. He didn't know why but he was just overwhelmed by sadness. A few hours passed and he was back to normal, still with no recollection of why he was in such a state.
Sadly, when he was 26, Evan died in a tragic accident. He was travelling on a coach to the beach to meet his friends, who had made their way down there the week before. It was actually going to be Evan's birthday the coming week, so his friends were determined to get everything ready before he arrived so they could throw a good party for him. Evan was listening to his iPod on the coach and slept for most of the journey.
About 45 minutes into the journey, the coach slid and lost control on a busy motorway, it fell onto it's side causing an horrific pile up. Emergency services could not get to the coach quickly enough and Evan, along with the other 20 or so passengers, didn't survive the injuries they had obtained from the crash.
A dear friend and family member had been lost, but nobody knew the truth about Evan.
He was undeniably special, "emotionally unstable" was simply the only label that doctors could think to give him. In reality, Evan was different to you and I. He rarely felt genuine individual emotions. Instead he could only feel and imitate the emotions of people around him. When he was younger, he would get angry as he felt his parents arguing but then he would be full of joy as his brother calmed him down.
When his friends were happy, he would feel and share their happiness. So of course, when his friends were sad, so was he.
At his friends' birthday parties, he would share their joy of receiving and opening presents. Whereas on his own birthdays, he would sometimes sense his friends' jealousy if he was to be given a good present, or when he was told he could have the first piece of cake. Perhaps his friends weren't that great after all.
The sudden breakdown he had in his apartment was because of his neighbour. She had just been dumped by her boyfriend and became depressed before being persuaded by her friends, a few hours later, to go and have some drinks and try to forget about her ex.
When the coach crashed and toppled over on the motorway, all of the passengers were still alive at first, some unconscious but the majority still awake and aware of their injuries. At that moment, Evan felt all of their collective agony and anguish. He had his own injuries but the pain flowing through him from the other passengers was much stronger. Following an autopsy, doctors were confused that Evan died of a heart attack that day, not blood loss from his wounds.
No doubt about it. That boy was different. He was special.
The funeral took place on a rainy afternoon. His friends and family mourned their loss as the proceedings drew to a close. As they made their way out of the cemetery, Evan shed a single tear which ran down his face as he lied peacefully.
Nobody worried too much, in the belief he would simply grow out of it. This was not to be the case as, although he matured, he still quite often suffered from tantrums and mood swings.
Evan grew up in a small village, he attended the local schools and did not leave home to go to college when he turned 18. He had a group of good, close friends and always seemed happiest when spending time with them. His friends would think of him as a good listener and a great sympathiser when it came to dealing with any problems they were having.
If one of his friends was having a bad day, so would Evan, to the point where he might even cry. Similarly, if one of his friends had achieved something, he would feel as happy as them and be in a great mood for the rest of the day. He was simply seen as a very sensitive and caring individual.
Occasionally however, his mood swings would return. Birthdays were always good examples. Evan always seemed much happier seeing his friends on their birthdays than when it was actually his own birthday. Again, to his friends, this just made him seem like a very selfless person with a kind heart.
By the time he reached his twenties, Evan was still the same. One day, when he was 22 and living in his own apartment, Evan sat down on his bed to watch TV when suddenly he burst out crying. He didn't know why but he was just overwhelmed by sadness. A few hours passed and he was back to normal, still with no recollection of why he was in such a state.
Sadly, when he was 26, Evan died in a tragic accident. He was travelling on a coach to the beach to meet his friends, who had made their way down there the week before. It was actually going to be Evan's birthday the coming week, so his friends were determined to get everything ready before he arrived so they could throw a good party for him. Evan was listening to his iPod on the coach and slept for most of the journey.
About 45 minutes into the journey, the coach slid and lost control on a busy motorway, it fell onto it's side causing an horrific pile up. Emergency services could not get to the coach quickly enough and Evan, along with the other 20 or so passengers, didn't survive the injuries they had obtained from the crash.
A dear friend and family member had been lost, but nobody knew the truth about Evan.
He was undeniably special, "emotionally unstable" was simply the only label that doctors could think to give him. In reality, Evan was different to you and I. He rarely felt genuine individual emotions. Instead he could only feel and imitate the emotions of people around him. When he was younger, he would get angry as he felt his parents arguing but then he would be full of joy as his brother calmed him down.
When his friends were happy, he would feel and share their happiness. So of course, when his friends were sad, so was he.
At his friends' birthday parties, he would share their joy of receiving and opening presents. Whereas on his own birthdays, he would sometimes sense his friends' jealousy if he was to be given a good present, or when he was told he could have the first piece of cake. Perhaps his friends weren't that great after all.
The sudden breakdown he had in his apartment was because of his neighbour. She had just been dumped by her boyfriend and became depressed before being persuaded by her friends, a few hours later, to go and have some drinks and try to forget about her ex.
When the coach crashed and toppled over on the motorway, all of the passengers were still alive at first, some unconscious but the majority still awake and aware of their injuries. At that moment, Evan felt all of their collective agony and anguish. He had his own injuries but the pain flowing through him from the other passengers was much stronger. Following an autopsy, doctors were confused that Evan died of a heart attack that day, not blood loss from his wounds.
No doubt about it. That boy was different. He was special.
The funeral took place on a rainy afternoon. His friends and family mourned their loss as the proceedings drew to a close. As they made their way out of the cemetery, Evan shed a single tear which ran down his face as he lied peacefully.
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Just a short story I came up with today at work. I wasn't really sure what category to place this in. To me, it felt like it was becoming a public service announcment the more I wrote! However, I did get a sense of a Twilight Zone feel to it so I decided to put it into the Sci Fi category.
I get the feeling that similar stories to this have been done before, I mean what hasn't been done, but this just came to me suddenly and in my head it seemed like a pretty powerful story. If there is anything to learn from this, I guess it would be to just remember that emotions are powerful things and they are not to be undervalued.
(I also suspect there are a few spelling/grammatical errors hiding in there so please excuse them!)
I get the feeling that similar stories to this have been done before, I mean what hasn't been done, but this just came to me suddenly and in my head it seemed like a pretty powerful story. If there is anything to learn from this, I guess it would be to just remember that emotions are powerful things and they are not to be undervalued.
(I also suspect there are a few spelling/grammatical errors hiding in there so please excuse them!)
© 2011 - 2026 mufcchimp
Comments9
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*I'd like to start by saying I have no clue how I found this, I promise I'm not a weird stalker or something. 
Also, everything in the comment is meant as constructive criticim, so please don't take anything as offensive-- I promise I'm not trying to insult you or your writing in any way, shape, or form. 
*
So, I don't really know where to start quite honestly. Therefore, I'll just kinda go the way my brain does (sorry for being all over the place):
I like the idea, it's a really interesting piece and it's definitely unique. I haven't read much about people like this-- actually, I haven't even heard much about people like this. It's a great idea and I think you've executed it well.
However, I would say that it could do with some work. I like the way you wrote it with no dialogue, it's a nice change from all those dialogue filled pieces. At the same time, though, I personally think it's a bit weird (maybe even unrealistic in a way) to try and convey a character's emotions from a third person point of view. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, or that it doesn't work out, I just don't love the idea.
Also, I feel like it's missing... something. It's one of those stories that, as well written as it is, lacks that tiny little POW! somewhere in there. Not to say that the last line doesn't work as that bonus, because it does. But that's the finish, and when you finish with such a BAM! kind of thing, I feel like it should explain something, or finish the story-- maybe still leaving it open for more, but not raising new questions like this does.
I really like the background details, it's nice to know about his life and what kinds of things he's had to go through. Somehow though, it seems like there's not much of a point to that much detail. I feel like you're using his background as filler details. This leads back to the dialogue thing. I think the way you've written it makes it more like just a listing of things that he's experienced, while if you included just one or two events and made it from the POV of one of his friends (for example) who's reminiscing (these one or two events would be their memories) it would be more gripping. Say, you could write it from his brother's POV, include a couple events that they both shared memories of, and then end it (in present tense) starting with "No doubt about it. That boy was special...." Including the tear falling would still be just as gripping if someone were to see it.
BUT, even with all these suggestions, I think you've written a very neat story with a nice plot and a great end. I love the end, that's what drew me into the whole Twilight Zone feel you mentioned actually. I didn't notice any spelling/grammar errors, although at the end, "...as he lied peacefully" seems off to me. This is literally the only verb I've ever had problems with and I can't tell you what it could be changed to, but it looks/sounds weird. If you were to consider my idea of a different POV, you could easily change it to "...as he lies peacefully". (And if it's right... Well, pardon my awful grammar 
)
Overall, very nice! I really hope this is of some help, and I really hope I haven't offended you in any way
Keep writing, I think you've got fantastic ideas and I'd love to see more in the future!
Also, everything in the comment is meant as constructive criticim, so please don't take anything as offensive-- I promise I'm not trying to insult you or your writing in any way, shape, or form. *So, I don't really know where to start quite honestly. Therefore, I'll just kinda go the way my brain does (sorry for being all over the place):
I like the idea, it's a really interesting piece and it's definitely unique. I haven't read much about people like this-- actually, I haven't even heard much about people like this. It's a great idea and I think you've executed it well.
However, I would say that it could do with some work. I like the way you wrote it with no dialogue, it's a nice change from all those dialogue filled pieces. At the same time, though, I personally think it's a bit weird (maybe even unrealistic in a way) to try and convey a character's emotions from a third person point of view. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, or that it doesn't work out, I just don't love the idea.
Also, I feel like it's missing... something. It's one of those stories that, as well written as it is, lacks that tiny little POW! somewhere in there. Not to say that the last line doesn't work as that bonus, because it does. But that's the finish, and when you finish with such a BAM! kind of thing, I feel like it should explain something, or finish the story-- maybe still leaving it open for more, but not raising new questions like this does.
I really like the background details, it's nice to know about his life and what kinds of things he's had to go through. Somehow though, it seems like there's not much of a point to that much detail. I feel like you're using his background as filler details. This leads back to the dialogue thing. I think the way you've written it makes it more like just a listing of things that he's experienced, while if you included just one or two events and made it from the POV of one of his friends (for example) who's reminiscing (these one or two events would be their memories) it would be more gripping. Say, you could write it from his brother's POV, include a couple events that they both shared memories of, and then end it (in present tense) starting with "No doubt about it. That boy was special...." Including the tear falling would still be just as gripping if someone were to see it.
BUT, even with all these suggestions, I think you've written a very neat story with a nice plot and a great end. I love the end, that's what drew me into the whole Twilight Zone feel you mentioned actually.
I didn't notice any spelling/grammar errors, although at the end, "...as he lied peacefully" seems off to me. This is literally the only verb I've ever had problems with and I can't tell you what it could be changed to, but it looks/sounds weird. If you were to consider my idea of a different POV, you could easily change it to "...as he lies peacefully". (And if it's right... Well, pardon my awful grammar )Overall, very nice! I really hope this is of some help, and I really hope I haven't offended you in any way
Keep writing, I think you've got fantastic ideas and I'd love to see more in the future!