Hey guys, I need to talk about some stuff I won't feel too comfortable saying, but I feel like it's important that I inform you of what's going on and why I've been so inactive the past 6 months.
The truth is; I've made a mistake. Multiple mistakes. Mistakes that I wasn't even aware of doing, and now are coming back to haunt me. I don't know why I did them, and I don't know how or when I can manage to fix them. However, I think it's best that I start now because if I don't, the consequences will only get worse.
Let’s just start that I should have never got into the mindset I've been in the past year in a half. I'm not sure if it's just the age I'm at, the things I'm being exposed to, or maybe the tasks I've been receiving from my school and my hockey, but even if it's because of all three of those things, I still made a mistake. I should of never let my lack of motivation and my large amount of laziness take over my work ethic. Deep down, I've always been wanting to make something; to go through with something, make a promise and just do what I said. These two traits I've deiced leak my personality have caused me to collapse doing all those things.
I've been a terrible person. It may not seem like it and you can comment saying that's not true, but it honestly is. I've broken countless promises, mainly with those I've been collabing with, saying stuff like: "Oh yeah, it's ok, my part's almost done, so no big deal, it'll probably be out tomorrow haha.” Well, maybe not like that, but you know. But in reality, I was lying. Most the time when I said stuff like this I hadn't even started a collab part, and eventually even when I'd manage to start it I'd work very slow. Yet still, make these unrealistic promises. This has not only qualified with my online animation work, but my school work too, and even my hockey training and other simple tasks. I had a small feeling that I could always manage to go through with what I said. I don't know why I did since it's just flat out stupid to think I can get a 30-second collab part done in 2 nights when it generally takes me a month to get a 1-minute animation done, but for whatever reason I did. This feeling always stuck with me, no matter how ridiculous the deadline I made was. Reality is, no, I never managed to actually go through with what I said because of this feeling urging me on. Well, unless it was slightly unrealistic but still realistic enough to just barely work. Either way, if I did manage to go through with what I said, the product of what I promised wouldn't be as good or well done as I would usually do since the deadline caused my work ethic to get messed up completely. Sure, I can work fast, but the results may lack, and there's a good chance it'll be noticeable too.
These mistakes of lying and making false deadlines may seem small or even meaningless to you guys, I know most of you would just shrug it off if I were not to go through with what I said because you guys have the patience and respect to accept my decisions, and I greatly appreciate that.
This feeling, along with my laziness, has plagued me for far too long, and I need to let it go and go back to my normal work ethic and mindset. My content has definitely lacked and I haven't done a good enough job thanking you guys for the support you give me. I would be nothing without you guys. Even if people may say: "But Mr. Clay, you are underrated!” I don't think so. To be honest, it doesn't matter the number of followers I have on my social media accounts, it only matters that those who are following me enjoy the content I make. I don't get paid, and I don't plan to either. Now, I'm not trying to say: "Those who do commissions and monetize their videos are not true to their fan.” No, I'm not saying that at all. It's completely ok to do those things because your motives are most likely different as an animator. Being an animator is supposed to be a job, therefore, you should be getting paid for it if you're helping someone else earn money. That's completely understandable by me.
SFM animators that make FNAF animations are indeed helping others earn money, we're promoting a game by the creator of the game, Scott Cawthon, and perhaps one who sees one of our videos will end up getting interested in the franchise and buy the game for themselves, and in some indirect way. We are probably helping Google or YouTube earn money as well, maybe even Valve, who knows? But yeah, I'm not trying to imply getting paid for SFM/FNAF animations is a "bad" thing. It isn't. My motives are just different, mainly since I'm still a "kid" and I don't have to worry about an actual job yet. There's also the factor of having to earn money so you can actually provide for yourself so you don't have to get a different job you don't enjoy as much.
I usually don't get mad when a video doesn't get a major amount of views as I expected it to. Every once and a while I might since I may put a lot of time and effort in a video and it didn't do too successful, but that's not a bad thing. I shouldn't get upset if I video I made doesn't get a large amount of recognition despite the work I put into it. I should observe the reactions of those who do see it so I can know what to improve on and make sure I'm achieving my goal as an animator, providing content to a supportive community that actually enjoys it. If I make content that a majority of those watching despise, I'm not putting enough effort into what I make, or maybe two. I'm not in the right place. If someone who makes "quality" content for a community still gets despised, then maybe they should move to a different community that would enjoy their efforts more. This isn't always true of course, many animators in this community make outstanding work that goes unnoticed by many and it only leaves them to feel hopeless when they indeed put the time and effort those who do get large amounts of views do. But hey, that's just the YouTube algorithm I guess. Unfortunately, if you are a smaller channel you won't get noticed right away, well, perhaps never. But here is my advice; never give up. Keep making content, because I guarantee that eventually you'll get noticed and receive the recognition you deserve.
But I know for sure that I'm in the right place, those who have seen my work and have taken their time and effort to acknowledge me and my content have shown that, whether it be just regular viewers who are interested in SFM or animations in general, FNAF fans, other animators in the community, or even friends and family. I know I belong, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank all of you who have shown your support to me throughout the past 3 years I've been in this community. You've all done your part, now I need to do mine. I've been unfair to you guys to make a promise hyping up something and not going through with it, it only wastes your time and satisfaction. I need to make a change. I need to show that I care about you guys by doing what I'm supposed to do as an animator: make content my viewers enjoy. Thank you for everything, even starting today, I will make sure I go through with my promises and fix the damage I've made to my personality and get some actual content out to you guys. Obviously, I won't manage to go through with every promise I make for now on. I'm just human like everyone else, we all make mistakes no matter what. It's just a part of our sinful nature, but I can still try and hopefully succeed in repaying you guys for the support. I feel so sorry for how I've acted on how indirect and quiet I've been, I don't want anyone to go into the comments saying: "Hey man, it's ok you did nothing wrong.” I don't deserve the companion, I need to make things right instead of trying to rub it off by making you guys feel sorry for me.
Hopefully, this mess of a journal I wrote doesn't seem too cliched or unnaturally wholesome, I just want to make myself a better person, and I feel like getting a bit real and personal with you guys is a good way to start. I plan to get 100 deviations uploaded before the year ends and get over 30 uploads out on Youtube, that may seem like a lot, but I can do it, I need to use go back and reread your guys' comments and use that as a motivator, and I should be able to do accomplish that goal. Thank you for reading and have a great day, expect more stuff coming soon, starting tomorrow.
(also I updated this journal with some corrections,
did some edits to make it more grammatically correct so I owe a big thanks to her, check out her content immediately or you will die on your first playthrough of FNAF VR)