Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login

A birds nest on the rooftop
of a suburban home
The vaguely figure of the city skyscrapers
behind the smokey background
As the children walking to school
and the reverbrating sound
of the morning bell
The fresh morning fruits to sell
and the scene from the cafe
as i sip my early coffee
and the breeze from the distant sea
what a day to start off
what a day to think soft
I woke up early today :) (Smile)
neonkrist Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2002   Writer
I really like it overall, and the meaning behind it all (at least the way I've percieved it). However, as much as I hate to say it, as anti-editing as I am, it really could use a good editing. There are some glaring grammatical errors, which are hard to look past. Like 'vaguely' should be 'vague', and 'children walking' should be 'children walk'; as an example. Normally I'd say, oh well, and let it go, but it's just a bit too much here.

I also think the flow could use some work, which could mostly be accomplished from the addition of punctuation, and maybe breaking it into stanzas based on the natural sentence structure you already have. Here and there though, it may be be a good idea to remove or add a simple word for line to line transition's sake.

Now, on to some more positive criticism. I really like the concept you've begun with,

As the children walking to school
and the reverbrating sound
of the morning bell

...but right now it seems kind of incomplete. I personally think it's because the imagery is kind of general. There's obviously an emotion that it's instilling in you, but from this I'm having trouble picking up on it. I don't know, maybe something along the lines of,

As the carefree children walk to school
the sound of the morning bell
reverberates through my reborn mind

That's not the only place that I think could use restructuring, but it seems the most important to me. I'm also, of course, not completely sure what this poem is truly about, only knowing what it instills in my own mind.

You seem to be on the verge of something extremely good here, but aren't quite there yet. I think if you read through it in a couple days though, and try to get back in touch with the same emotion, you'll be able to better harness the metaphors into a better work of art.

Now if only I could look into my own work like this *sigh*


PS: My criticism is always 100% in good nature, and following it may cause a serious hazard to your mental health.
Add a Comment:

:iconmortichro: More from mortichro

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
November 1, 2002
File Size
0 bytes


1 (who?)