SA | Tired

+3 AP (908 words) | For Amber

Warning: Negative thoughts & mention of hypothetical death (non intended as suicidal, but idk just to be safe)

She pretended to read. Book floating in front of her, surrounded by a soft blue, she slowly turned the pages even if she was not really reading the words that were spread over the paper. Useless. Amber felt as if something was constricting her chest, even though her breaths were taken at a regular pace. And while she just sat, pretending to read, she felt her body was wound tenser than in battle. Like she needed to do something, fight something, to run, run and never look back, but instead she sat in her corner near the fireplace as her mother knit a scarf for Nathaniel. Comfortable silence. Or such was the illusion.

Why couldn't they just support her?

Out of everything Amber craved that above all. When she had come home earlier that day, sprouting a big bruise above her eye, but also with a smile about a mile wide, she had been elated. She had noticed a shady vagabond and managed to apprehend him all on her own. She had been so proud, so so proud. But then she had set foot inside her house and her family had crushed that pride and replaced it for a feeling she could not place but which felt so bad. It was not even her Uncle this time, who was out for a mission. No, she was used to that. It was her dad, her stupid dad who had looked at her and almost angrily remarked 'you would better get an actual job'. Because clearly valkyrie was not a proper rank. Because clearly in his eyes she was doing nothing off worth, just gooding off. He said nothing more, but it was enough. The utter disappointement. And when she later tried to talk to her mother, she brushed it off, saying it was okay. It was just a phase and nothing was wrong with her. Like one day she would just wake up and realise that what she was doing was ridiculous and would suddenly be happy playing the good meek house mare. Amber couldn't believe her ears.

Why couldn't they be supportive?

It just spiraled down from there. Because honestly? She hated her life at times and sometimes questioned if she was doing the right thing. What was it she was working up towards to? She got up in the morning and trained. Did her duty and went back to sleep. More often than not she fought with her family, home life so tense. And as for social life? It was nearly none existant. She did some small talk with her fellow valkyries, but never saw them outside of work. She hang around Otama a bit, listened to her talk as she recovered, but now she was back on the better hoof, she felt weird intruding. How did you even built a friendship? In her years, her anger, her grief, she had pushed everyone away and now she had forgotten how to built a bond. Where was the filly that once made friends so easily? Perhaps she too had left long ago, had gotten lost in a game of hide and seek. Point was that Amber didn’t, couldn’t wouldn’t socialize. She tried to convince herself that she didn’t need it or want it, but it was stupid to say, pathetic even, but the most quality time she'd get socially was the interactions with her brother. Now if that did not want to make you cry, she didn't knew what would.

She really did feel like crying, so bad. It built up in her body, but she held the tears back from spilling. What different would it make? Nothing but looks. Of pity. Even of victory. She didn’t want that. Her throath hurt, muscles tense, head hurt, insides upset and she was stressed, so stressed, it was like she couldn't even relax anymore while she sat or slept. Even now when she was supossed to chill and read, she couldn't stop thinking, fretting.

And if she died tomorrow? Keeled over from whatever it was that made her heart so heavy and her body so sore. What difference would she have made? Right now she felt like none. It was like she screwed up everything she did. Those around her made her feel so unwanted, so incompetent. Maybe her family would be sad for a bit, because beside the apana dung they gave her, they loved her still. But perhaps even they would breath a little easier, rid of their 'trouble child'. And then the world would just go on, seasons just keep changing. Kaia had said she would do great things, but aside from her big talk, her intentions, in her heart she didn't feel like she could ever live up to it.

What was she about now? Twenty? By Kaia, she even fucked that up. What had she achieved? Became a valkyrie. But for what? She didn't change anything. It was like fighting a shadow. A ghost. Endless effort with no rewards. Nothing to track and in moments like these she couldn't even recall the smallest achievement. Her sister was still gone and right now Amber needed her so badly. To braid her hair and count the stars. To hold her close and sooth her with a lullaby once Amber lay broken down in bed.

But this here was reality and she knew she'd rise again in the morning to face another day. Her life an endless grey.