SA | CP 2.8 | Amber | Pointless

+7 AP & 4 CS (623 words, same character, Lv 2 CP bonus) | For Amber
*www.deviantart.com/moonlightwa…

2.8 What is your biggest fear?

Life was a battle. An endless struggle, wondering if the next day, the next week or perhaps the next uear would be easier, yet it never was. Life dragged on and on without change, always a burden to haul. It was never done, never better. And sometimes Amber had to wonder why she bothered at all.

Life was without compassion. It demanded you moved forward no matter your state. But Amber was tired. Amber was stressed. And so that burden upon her shoulders became heavier, day after day, week after week, year after year. At times, in mild desperation she wondered what the use was off it all. Why she still fought when no change was forthcoming. When her parents were no closer accepting her, when she was no closer to being respected in society, when she was no closer to her sister. She would cry if she had tears left to shed, but there were so few these days and it seemed almost pointless to waste energy on it. She was tired, but she kept moving on, until the days blended together and she had to drag herself out of bed. Until she lost whatever what was left of her smile and her body ached from the ills that plagued. Until she wanted to just lay down and sleep and, while she didn’t want to die, wondered why Kaia had given her her life blood at all. Why her parents had ever decided for her to be born when she was nothing more then dirt on the earth to others. At times she closed her eyes and wished she could stop existing. Hireath would be better off.

Her heart ached and she felt lonely, ready to give up. But giving up was as pointless as going on. Something had to give, something had to chance, because she was slowly starting to fear she couldn’t go on for much longer. The question was what.

What did she? How could she give this bleak existance meaning? And how pointless was that? Life was pain, but horses tried to make something off it anyway. Amber had but long term goals. Goals of tomorrow but never today. Goals just beyond her graps. Was she too ambitious? Did she ask to much? She asked Kaia that, also time and time again. Did she need to aim lower? Had she resigned her to eternal discontent herself? But then, what about those around her? Weren’t they hurting as well? Wasn’t the warlords son taken? Didn’t her aunt die with grieve as her sister was sent away? Weren’t the valkyrie struggling to chance the perception of a herd? It was not just her it was the world. Yet again she had to wonder, had the gods meant for there to be so much pain in it?

She did want big things. Her sister back, a herd more proper in care for eachother, being respected as a mare, the threats against her herd removed. But she also wanted simple things. Family who accepted her instead of critisizing her every move. Friends to share her time with. She wanted time to enjoy herself, even though she knew not how. She wanted to feel good about herself and not just fake it. She wanted to believe things without a voice in her head second-guessing everything. Was that too, too much to ask?

Her uncle knocked on her door, telling her to come wash something. He gave her a look, but didn’t comment on what surely was her pathetic appearance. She wished they would care for once, truely care and not just tell her how she’d feel better if she changed. But something had to change right? She wondered if that thing was her.

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Amber biggest fear is that at one point things will stop, she will break. That one day she won’t have the strenght to go on. Her second fear is one of uselesness. That her existance is worth nothing, that the world would even have been better off if she had not existed at all. Her fear are existensial.

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Writing & character (c) me