a
literature

anorexic's lament

Daily Deviation
moondrums's avatar
By moondrums
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23 Comments
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my lover crushed the budding fruit in me
which ran from out my legs like currant wine –
that sweet unwelcome blood of atrophy
sat red upon her tongue as muscadine.
her cup full up she turns her gaze to flesh
to take from me her pound, then two, then five;
to rake thin fingers cross the scalp and thresh
my hair, like wheat, to pay some holy tithe
and clutch me like a candle through the night.
at morning light she pinches out the wick:
she spends me, bends me down as acolyte
to altars where her ash has settled thick
    in lungs and throat and shallow-thrumming heart,
    where all my lover’s love rends me apart.
 i usually write exclusively in free verse, so this was a huge departure from my normal style

review for #thewrittenrevolution[link]


 1. is the sonnet form effective and accurately employed? 
2. if the title didn't guide your expectations about the subject matter, would you have thought at this piece is about anorexia? if not, what did you feel the poem could be about? 
3. is the imagery effective for the subject matter?
Published:
© 2017 - 2020 moondrums
Comments23
anonymous's avatar
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NormaL-UseR's avatar
NormaL-UseRHobbyist Writer
It certainly flows nicely had no problem reading it to the end , the title sheds light on the subject , the hunger being a kind of obsessive , destructive love . Without the title that’s what i would have thought its about - it’s a very dark piece my kind of read . It’s written very creatively , I can’t fault it , I can see that it comes from the heart and is portrayed with a passion. 
LightrayPhotography's avatar
LightrayPhotographyHobbyist Photographer
Its been a while since I've taken the time to read any poetry but this is really strong. I hope you're doing well!
doughboycafe's avatar
doughboycafeProfessional Writer
Do always love seeing your work, by the way. And was more than happy to give this a DD.

Feedback time:
1. Yes. I like it a lot. In fact I couldn't have picked a better form for it.
2. Yes, there are definitely indicators of at least sickness in there. I think I would have thought cancer or some other wasting illness before anorexia, but the title helps guide it and the theme is clear.
3. yes absolutely, there's a kind of religious vibe to it that I think you have gelling well with the subject matter.
Mrs-Durden's avatar
Mrs-DurdenHobbyist Photographer
Hello! Your beautiful work has been featured here: My Daily Deviation Highlights 2017
Happy New Year! :heart:
arbitrarygood's avatar
arbitrarygoodHobbyist Writer
this is really beautiful. your words create a crazy web of memory. i love reading your work.
emsoileau's avatar
emsoileauHobbyist Photographer
nosedivve's avatar
nosedivve Writer
this is a really amazing poem--great imagery and sound. well deserved DD, congrats :heart:
myrealnameisjaw's avatar
I like the personification of anorexia as a lover and the situational repurposing of "to take a pound of flesh." Without the title, however, the conceit would have been unclear and she would have seemed merely literal. 

The poem is well-sculpted, careful with its imagery. The phrasing is delicate and the rhymings aren't forced. But there are several minor linguistic obstacles. There's grammatical ambiguity in "my lover crushed the budding fruit in me / which ran out..." It's impossible to pinpoint whether the fruit ran out before the crushing or because of the crushing. I assume the second now that I've looked at it more closely, but my brain went with the former first.

The second is "the sweet unwelcome blood of atrophy," which is great until "of atrophy," which comes after an image that risks abstraction (because of the emotional adjective 'unwelcome') and pushes it too far into something cerebral. But on this point I'm speaking only from taste.

Another point is that "like a candle through the night" feels cliched to me, although the common phrase is merely "candle in the night," because the literal referent doesn't make much sense - nobody clutches candles through the night; they leave them sitting.   

Finally, this "anorexia" doesn't stand out as a lover. She takes pounds, but otherwise she's identical to the others. I'd like to see the themes more successfully intertwined, so that the image of "anorexia" and the "lover" are more successfully superimposed, both of them always visible. With imagery more along those lines, the subject would be clear without the telltale title. For example, you could incorporate images of the lover coaxing the bones out of your face, or her mockery and abuse when the dream of food arises lusciously in the middle of the night. Or you could take an already existing image, the taking of pounds, and expand it and make it more visceral.
T04RK's avatar
T04RKHobbyist Digital Artist
This is a masterpiece and I'm so glad to find it in the daily deviations section. It's just what I needed to read today. 
PennedinWhite's avatar
PennedinWhiteHobbyist Writer
A dark, but I feel, a very accurate depiction of thought processes of those struggling. Even those who don't think they are struggling.

Wonderfully done. Thanks for sharing!

:heart: Congrats!
cuspofamanifesto's avatar
1. The sonnet form is traditionally about love, but most modern writers use it the talk about anything. This is a great use of the form as you write about anorexia as an abusive lover, not just abusive, sadistic.

2. I read the poem with the title first, it's hard to say. I think I would have been willing to accept face value, or writing about any mental disorder that debilitates, this could easily be about severe OCD. 

3. The imagery is effective but I think if you want the poem sans title to absolutely yell anorexia the lines about the body need to be even more visceral. Pound of flesh has come to mean the price of a bad deal (though in the Shakespeare it is a literal pound of flesh) it is also overused, and here more show may be needed.
GameUniverso's avatar
GameUniversoHobbyist Writer
The rhyme words have the same special language as that of the other words.
JassysART's avatar
JassysARTProfessional Interface Designer
Congrats On Your DD by Jassy2012   I would be happy if you join my group :iconwe-collect-dds:
GDeyke's avatar
GDeyke Writer
I love this.
cuspofamanifesto's avatar
The adoption of the enlightenment language and rhyme schemes, the metre of the words, and the lovely enjambment is well done, but the timely subject seems to sit well in this setting. I'm normally immediately turned off by poets that seek to write it the voice of Wordsworth but this works.
Tsaibe's avatar
Incredible vocabulary. Cheers
RJBG's avatar
Brilliant work!
MomotsukiNezumi's avatar
MomotsukiNezumiHobbyist General Artist
Whoa....that was amazing. A tad disturbing and almost terrifying in its stark, haunting imagery, but definitely amazing!
1134206Hermy's avatar
Love the description 
emsoileau's avatar
emsoileauHobbyist Photographer
How gorgeously brutal, a little.
moondrums's avatar
moondrumsStudent Photographer
thank you :heart:
Bad-Poet's avatar
Bad-PoetHobbyist Writer
Nice use of imagery here. Well done! =)
moondrums's avatar
moondrumsStudent Photographer
thanks! 
anonymous's avatar
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