{My Life} Moving On

Ugh..christ..basically, I just had a shit day today. Just..I had gone to a volleyball tournament for my school to film the battle between the Juniors vs Freshman with the Seniors vs Sophomores, ect. And, what do ya know..the person that I had been in love with since my Sophomore year of high school was also on the team, which..was fine- honestly. But, of course, they had won their session with the freshman and she goes over and just you know..starts swooning over her boyfriend and it was just like..my heart churned and hurt, and it shouldn't have because ffs I moved on, I have a gf who I love dearly, and she has someone who..god, I hope treats her right. Idk why, but I...I was hurting, even when I went to congratulate the team..hah, her ex was grateful I did..and actually fucking acknowledged my congratulations. But when I try to say it her, it's like she didn't even fucking hear me since she was soo preoccupied with her boyfriend. jesus fuck..i know it's childish and i'm man enough to admit that, but to be ignored when I was...trying to show my support by my best friend, it...it hurt so bad. Then it just hurt more when I looked over every one in a while to just see her and him just being all sweet together, and she's just...smiling..she never smiles like that to me anymore. But then again, I hardly see her anyways, so what am I to say that. I know she told me I will always be her best friend, but..do you understand how much of this I can't even tell her? Cause I'm scared shitless of being abandoned by her. That she's one of the lights in this darkness of a world. "let her go" I can't..I could never let her go. I'm happy her and I moved on, but..I just don't understand why my heart can't be, why it won't let her go. Why can't every part of me be happy for the both of us? Why does it still all hurt so badly. No nicotine or sleep can actually make it all go away. At this point it's like I'm killing myself by how much I smoke because of the stress and pain, hell...idk anymore.

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