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I've hesitated for my as long as I've been online about whether or not I should openly post about this, but lately I've come to the conclusion that if we neurodiverse people don't speak for ourselves, no one will. Will people try to use this as a weapon against me to invalidate what things I have to say? Undoubtedly. But I think it's my responsibility to share it despite the bullies and small-minded haters.
I'm autistic. I've shared this with people individually. You might already know. I was diagnosed with a nonverbal learning disorder when I was 17. It's a diagnosis which essentially boils down to "she's on the autism spectrum but we don't know where she falls exactly."
I know that people will use my autism as a way to invalidate my arguments. I see this happen with every openly autistic person I know. If people don't like what you have to say, the first thing they jump to is your autism. "Oh, she's just being autistic." "Don't listen, that's the autism talking." "Autists like her don't know what they're talking about." "She's mentally ill." People say things like that, and I have no doubt they'll say it about me when I publish this. But it says more about them than it does about me. It shows their ableism. It shows how small and insecure they are. When people attack what makes you different instead of answering your arguments, it means you've won.
When I see a girl like Greta Thunburg, I see myself when I was her age. I see a girl who looks younger than her age and who cares deeply for what she believes in. I see the same passion and straightforward thinking that makes up my mental wiring. I see the same drive that prompts me to say what needs to be said, not what people want to hear. I see her call the world out on its faults and weather the abuse they throw back at her when they get offended, just like I do day in and day out, especially online. Even her little crooked smile looks just like mine! When I see the bile that people spit at her, I see the same kind of abuse I've lived through for my entire life, except now it's being seen on an international scale, and people are finally waking up to the cruelty the autism community has faced for the entirety of our existence. Humanity is cruelly unforgiving of those who do not fit their social expectations.
Neurotypical: a person who is not neurodiverse.
Allistic: a term that many autistic people use to describe non-autistics. May be neurotypical or neurodiverse, just not autistic.
Neurodiverse: a person who is not neurotypical.
Neurotype: the wiring that makes up how a person thinks, be them neurotypical or neurodiverse. Autism is a neurotype. Neurotypicality is a neurotype. The list goes on.
Autism Spectrum: the different symptoms of autism.
Masking: when an autistic person mimics the behavior of neurotypical people around them in order to avoid stigma and rejection. Often becomes second-nature, but in all cases is very tiring and stressful.
Meltdown: when a person's nervous system is overloaded and the person shuts down. Can take the form of lashing out in anger, walling up in silence, crying, or pretty much any emotional outburst. Meltdowns can look like tantrums, but are actually very different. A tantrum occurs when a child wants something. Tantrums are manipulative. Tantrums always have an audience. Meltdowns can happen anywhere, even when the person is alone. NOTE: Nervous system overload does not stop as an autistic person reaches adulthood. Adults with autism experience overload just like children with autism. We have simply learned to identify what pending overload feels like and (seeing as we're adults and aren't controlled by parents or guardians), are generally able to get ourselves away from the stimuli before a crisis occurs.
Ableism: looking down on disabled people, believing less of them, and/or discriminating against them.
Autism Speaks: AS is the organization that dominates the global discussion of autism. They are involved in almost all studies and regulations surrounding autism. However, AS has, to this day, been about "fixing" autistic people. Until relatively recently, their motto was "cure autism." They have historically operated without a single autistic person on their board, and advocate for harmful therapies which aim to suppress harmless, natural autistic tendencies. Because organizations such as Autism Speaks are behind almost all studies done on autism, next to no studies cover theories other than attempts to cure autism. Because of this, very little is officially known about autism beyond failed attempts to "cure" it.
The Puzzle Piece: The puzzle piece is the internationally-recognized symbol of autism. It symbolizes that each autistic person is different, but we all fit together into the bigger picture that is autism. However, it has an unfortunate history of ableism. At one point in time, it was used to say that autistic people were missing a piece of their brains. Many autistic people reject the puzzle piece as a symbol of autism.
The neurodiveristy movement is a movement celebrating the differences and strengths that differences such as autism, ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, etc, bring. We hear so much about the weaknesses of different neurotypes, but we don't hear about their strengths. When we're told about a neurotype, we're told what the person is not good at, not what they are good at. For example, everyone knows autistic people have poor social skills by neurotypical standards, but did you know that autistic people almost never fall victim to groupthink because we think outside the box and see the big picture? We also aren't likely to fall prey to marketing and advertisements because we think practically and look at the item or service itself rather than get swept up in its packaging, etc. These are just two strengths that autistic people posses, but we never hear about them. The neurodiveristy movement wants to put those strengths in the spotlight to do away with bigotry, ableism, fear, stigma, and rejection.
"Autistic person" vs. "person with autism": a lot of autistic people dislike person-first identification. They like to refer to themselves as "autistic people" rather than "people with autism." This is because no one says "people with neurotypicality." We say "neurotypicals." I personally don't care if you say "she has autism" as opposed to "she is autistic," but some people get very upset by it. I personally think it's a little hypersensitive to get upset over, but we live in an offense-addicted culture, so just be aware that this language is something people might get uptight over. If someone gets upset with you about it, just say "I'm sorry, I didn't know you preferred to be addressed that way." And then address them how they ask you to from then on out. If they're a decent person, that should be the end of the problem.
One of the things that the neurodiversity movement wants to shed light on and stop is a particular type of parent, usually mothers, of autistic children. These mothers describe themselves as "Autism Super Moms" and "Autism Warriors" and spend their time online complaining about their children to garner sympathy from each other and the outside world. They act as if their sufferings are greater than their children's. They'll post memes that say things such as: "Parents love their children unconditionally. Special needs children make their parents prove it."
A lot of parents like this are against vaccines because they mistakenly believe that vaccines cause autism, even though that theory has been undeniably proven false, and the man who started it has admitted he falsified the information (www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/conc… , www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24…). Such parents choose not to vaccinate their children, therefore putting their children and everyone who comes in contact with their children at risk for measles, mumps, rubella, and other potentially deadly diseases.
"Autims moms" make their children feel like burdens. These parents complain about how tired they are. They make light of their children's sensory sensitivities. They film and laugh at their children's attempts to fit in with society and other kids. And worst of all, they'll often say embarrassing, hurtful things about their children in front of their children, as if they can't understand them. I've actually seen this with my own eyes. I have a friend who has an autistic brother, and on several occasions I've watched the mother talk badly about her son while he sat next to her, or while I and the son were within earshot in another room. When it took place where the mother couldn't see us but we could still hear her, he'd look at me with obvious pain in his eyes, and all I could say was "I'm sorry."
Then to make matters worse, such parents often don't give their children the support they need to grow and learn to function in a neurotypical world. The kids are often allowed to get away with far too much. The autistic community hasn't been able to figure out exactly why this is. We suspect it may be that these parents have, in a sense, given up. They might have a low opinion of their child's capabilities and might no longer challenge them because it's easier to just give in. It's easier to make peanut butter and jelly every night than it is to get your child to try healthy foods. It's less embarrassing to stay home than it is to teach your child to get used to bright lights and the sounds of people talking. "Autism moms" are a strange combination of coddling and abuse, and no good will come of it.
Now, of course, not all parents of autistic children are like this. In fact, many are completely fine. This is just one type of parent.
You've probably heard the term "autism spectrum" or "autism spectrum disorders," sometimes called ASD. Most people think of the spectrum as a line of how severely autistic you are, one end being people who drool and flap their arms in wheelchairs with headphones on, the other end of the spectrum being people you didn't even know were autistic. This is NOT how the spectrum works!
The autism spectrum is more like a circle, or a spider's web, with all kinds of different types of symptoms on it. There's nonverbal, where the person can't speak, isolation, where the person doesn't visibly react to outside stimuli, sensory sensitivity disorders, and what used to be called Asperger's syndrome, where the person can function to varying degrees in a neurotypical world.
The saying goes: "when you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person." This is true. Everyone's experience of autism is different. Everyone with autism acts differently. We're individual people. Autism is not the only part of us that makes up who we are. It is part of us, and that's why we don't want a "cure," but it's not the only part. Personality, IQ, character, how we were raised, etc., all play a role in how autism affects us. Every part of a person comes together to make a person, and autism is part of that for us. Autism does not mean we're missing a puzzle piece in our brain. Autism IS a part of the puzzle that makes up our brains, just like neurotypicality is part of the puzzle that makes up your brain. If you took away our autism, you would take away a piece of who we are. Autism cannot be separated from the person.
Autistic people are sometimes categorized by whether we are "high functioning," "mid functioning," or "low functioning." I dislike these labels because it treats living people like objects, labeling some as functional and others as dysfunctional. It creates an atmosphere were some people are seen as better than others. I wish terms like Asperger's were still around to describe high-functioning autism, because it identified a form of autism without making some people "better" than others.
"High functioning" people are those who take care of themselves without others helping them. They usually have above-average IQ and can be extremely insightful into the world around them if others are willing to listen. They often communicate very well through formal writing, but not as well through speech. Most verbal missteps do happen in interpersonal writing, though, because the autistic can't tell how the other person is reacting until it's too late. Like any other person, they may need financial assistance depending on their employment, but they can finish school, most finish college, manage money, take care of a household, drive, hold down a job, take care of their personal hygiene, eat healthy, etc. Essentially, they can pass as neurotypical in most environments, and the only difficulties they have that make them "disabled" are those brought on from the outside, due to the over-complicated modern world and the closed-mindedness of other people. They're generally just seen as "odd." They usually learn to mask very effectively from a young age, especially females. Many are successful professionals, but even high-functioning autistics find it difficult to land a well-paying job due to stigma, ableism, judgement, and the general confusing nature of the job market.
"Mid functioning" autistic people cannot live on their own, but they can largely take care of their own needs. They may or may not be able to hold down a job. They may or may not be able to drive. They can generally take care of their personal hygiene and keep up around the house, although sometimes need someone else to prompt or remind them. These people are generally intelligent, but you can tell immediately that something is "off" about them. Unfortunately, people with mid-functioning autism are often unfairly assumed to have mental retardation due to their unusual vocal patterns, ways of walking, social skills, etc., even though their IQ is usually as high as anyone else's. They are sometimes employed, but find it difficult to advance past low-level retail-type jobs, even if they have earned a certificate in school. Most mid-functioning autistic people live in the care of others while working minimum-wage jobs.
"Low functioning" autistic people cannot live on their own or take care of their basic needs. They might need help bathing, cooking, cleaning, etc. They are almost always unemployed. They may or may not be able to speak, and they may or may not be able to write well, either. It can be difficult to determine their IQ because they may not be able to take a standard test. However, they almost always have something they are good at, especially if it's a repetitive task, and if that can be put into employment, they can be very reliable employees. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find employers who are willing to give low functioning autistic people a chance.
I dislike functioning labels. However, because some aspects of autism are clearly disabling in all contexts that we are aware of, and because some people unfortunately have a higher rate of those disabling aspects, I will use the terms "high" and "low" functioning for the purpose of this article. Not because I like the terms, but because I lack better ones. I wish there were just different names for the types of autism out there, because functioning labels are disrespectful, but there are clear boundaries within the larger autism spectrum. There are some people on the spectrum who have nothing in common with me other than a sensitivity to loud noises. But because we lack proper labels/categories, I'll have to use functioning labels for now.
"High functioning" does not mean "less autistic," it means I have a different set of symptoms that allow me to function reasonably well in neurotypical society.
The term "invisible disability" refers to a disability that is not immediately apparent and may not be protected by disabilities policies. People with invisible disabilities such as high-functioning autism are frequently discriminated against, especially by employers. There's no way to prove that an employer rejected you because of your disability, especially if it's something less tangible, such as autism. There's always someone "more qualified."
A common every day example of this is when I make a social misstep that offends someone. Perhaps I was unintentionally rude, or an attempt to be assertive/confident and get my point across came across as harsh and demanding, or I just said something that meant one thing but someone else interpreted it as something unkind. Whatever it was, when I realize my mistake, I try to apologize (not for what I meant, but for how it was received), and the apology typically nullifies whatever I was trying to say in the first place, which is incredibly frustrating for me. But I still want the other person to know I didn't mean to hurt them. It's almost always more important to mend a relationship than it is to get a point across (depending what point I was trying to make.) But if I mention my autism to explain why the situation happened, they tell me (and often using these exact words): "don't use your autism as a crutch." The thing is, when a more "severely" autistic person makes a social misstep, people usually brush it off. They say "oh, don't worry about it. Did you mean _____?" Or "she didn't mean it like that. I think she was trying to say ______." And if the person apologizes for the mistake and points out how their autism affected the situation, people are usually pretty chill about it, because it's understood that they have a disability and no harm was intended. But when a "high-functioning" autistic person does the same, they're not given any grace or understanding. They're punished for not acting like a neurotypical, because most of the time they can pass as a neurotypical.
People expect a "low-functioning" autistic person to act autistic, but they don't expect a "high-functioning" autistic person to act autistic.
If a person's disability isn't apparent, then others expect them to behave normally. When we don't, others are disappointed in us, often assuming ugly things about our intelligence or personality. Instead of saying "wow, you got to this point despite your disability" or "look how your differences contributed to your success," and celebrating the accomplishment, we're told "you need to be better at this,” "stop whining," "don't use your disorder as a crutch." Having an invisible disability means that your accomplishments don't look like accomplishments. It means that we're not autistic enough to receive accommodations, but not normal enough to live without those things. People with high-functioning autism live in a limbo of trying desperately to live like the rest of humanity and forever falling short instead of just being allowed to live differently.
High-functioning autism doesn't mean I experience my autism mildly. It means you experience my autism mildly. You have no idea how hard I've had to work to get to this point.
Imagine there are oranges. These oranges live with other oranges and all they know is oranges. Then one day they meet an apple. But instead of calling it an apple, they call it "orange deficit syndrome" fruit.
That's how it feels to be autistic. The only reason we are seen as disabled and "weird" is because there's more of them than us. We are a minority in a world populated by neurotypicals. We're wired differently from them, and since we struggle in their world because it was designed for them and not for us, they see us as disabled.
But consider this: disability requires context. If the world were reversed, and "high functioning" autistic people made up the majority of the population and neurotypicals were a minority, suddenly neurotypicals would be disabled. All their groupthink tendencies, their unreliable memories, their inability to see systems, their obsession with dropping weird hints instead of just saying what they mean, etc., would make them extremely disabled in a world designed by and for autistic people. The way they stare into others' eyeballs would be seen as weird, and they way they talk and gesture would be looked down on as socially awkward. The way they talk so fast without pausing to think would be viewed as rude. The way they sugar-coat and say white lies instead of telling the straight truth would be considered dishonest. This is because everyone has weaknesses. Neurotypicals have weaknesses just like autistic people do. But because the world is designed to accommodate their weaknesses, neurotypical weakness is seen as human nature, whereas autistic weakness is seen as disability.
If the world were designed by high functioning autistic people, it would not only function perfectly fine, but it might even function more smoothly. When a problem comes up, neurotypicals don't automatically step back and look at the big picture. They say they do, but they really don't. They look at the problem in isolation and then slap a band-aid on it instead of fixing the root that caused the problem however many steps earlier. You can see this is the way the American tax system operates. Let's be real: do any of us actually understand American taxes? The way the American tax system works is it starts with a base system that works for the most part, but when problems arose as they will with any system, instead of changing the system, they just added loopholes, deductions, rebates, etc., all of which you must understand in order to take advantage of. You ultimately end up with a convoluted, confusing, overly-complicated system that neurotypicals insist is the only way for it to work. But if autistics were in charge, we'd probably have a flat tax. Everyone would pay however much a percentage of their income, there wouldn't be much in the way of rebates and deductions except in a few specific cases, and loopholes would be closed. There would probably be people whose entire job would be to hunt down loopholes and close them. The lower class would probably have to pay slightly less, or at least wouldn't have to pay someone else to do their taxes for them, the middle class probably wouldn't notice a difference except that it would be simpler to do taxes, but the upper class would no longer be able to evade taxes. Or we might have a different tax system entirely, but whatever it would be, I can guarantee that it would be simpler and more effective. The same would go for insurance, health care, anything with a contract, etc. If autistics were the majority, the world would be a much simpler place. It wouldn't be perfect because humans are flawed no matter our neurotype, but it would definitely be simpler.
Autism fills in the gaps that neurotypicality leaves open. Companies and enterprises need our skills, because neurotypicals don't have them. Workplaces that support neurodiveristy and actively seek out neurodiverse people are upwards of 20% more productive! We are talented and capable. We miss what you catch, and we catch what you miss. So is it a disability, or just a different ability?
Masking is something that higher-functioning autistic people do in order to avoid judgement, rejection, etc. It involves mimicking the behaviors, speech patterns, and movements of neurotypical people. Instead of letting their true self show, the autistic person behaves as if they were neurotypical.
People who mask are frequently told "you don't look autistic," or "you look so normal." A neurotypical's normal is autopilot. An autistic's normal is manual control. Before we learned to mask, back when we were our true selves, we were shamed, bullied, teased, harassed, emotionally abused, and perhaps even attacked physically. While no studies have been done, it's estimated that the majority of autistic adults have suffered abuse of some kind during their childhood, and many suffer PTSD and most (myself included) suffer anxiety because of it. We don't mask to fit in, we mask out of self-preservation. We mask because we learned through decades of pain that neurotypicals will only accept us if we act like them. We are expected every single minute of every single day of our lives to be something we are not, and our only reward is the hope of escaping ostracization. We have to fake who we are just to get neurotypicals to give us the same respect they give each other.
Masking is exhausting. Pretending to be something else all day long takes a toll on you like nothing else can. It's exhausting mentally, emotionally, and physically. Introverts need to recharge by themselves, but recharging after a day of masking takes it to a whole new level. Depending on what we had to mask for, it can take us days to recover, sometimes even longer.
But I repeat: this exhaustion is not due to a disability. Any human being will be exhausted after pretending to be something they are not for the majority of their lives. The only reason we do this is because neurotypicals will not accept us otherwise. If neurotypicals stopped rejecting our natural autistic selves, we would no longer have to mask, and we would no longer be exhausted.
Imagine spending your life faking the behavior of other people through a painful process of trial and error in order to be accepted into society. Then you're told you're "not very autistic," and all of your hard work, pain, endurance, and accomplishments are brushed aside and you're treated like a lazy bum who should be farther along in life. That's what it means to be autistic. It's like trying to run with a parachute behind you, and that parachute is social conventions and judgment.
There is a belief that autism is more prevalent among boys than it is among girls. This is only true if we're discussing diagnosis, but this doesn't take into account that females are generally better at masking than males are. No one knows why this is. Again, there are painfully few studies done on autism, and almost all of them focus on "curing" us. Medicine has also historically been male-centered, so it's not surprising that very little is known about female autism.
Because females are typically better at masking, we are diagnosed less often as boys. Many girls aren't diagnosed until later in life, if they are diagnosed at all. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 17. Some people go undiagnosed until their 50s. Some never get diagnosed. Boys are not more likely to have autism, girls are just under-diagnosed. Autism does not carry through the father's line; it can come from either, or both, lines.
Many neurotypicals are pushing back and complaining that we are asking too much when we ask to be accepted. This is selfish and ableist. We make accommodations for neurotypicals every second of every day, and they refuse to make accommodations for us. This should be a two-way street and we should meet in the middle. Right now it's a one-way street and autistics are expected to give everything.
Everyone talks about how autistics need to communicate better, but no one for one minutes tells neurotypicals to listen.
So someone is autistic. Are they doing anything that might be considered odd? If so, is the thing they're doing harmful in any way, distracting, or annoying other people? No? Then let them be them. If they're being annoying or a distraction, respectfully help them find another outlet for what it is they're feeling. They probably don't want to annoy you. If you want to change an autistic person just because they're "weird" or, heaven forbid, you think it's funny to watch them struggle, then you're an ableist, worthless bully.
Now, all that being said, many people in the neurodiversity movement are doing things that are unhelpful for everyone. Some autistic people expect the world to be able to figure out how to communicate in the unique way of each individual autistic person, whatever their functioning level. This is too much to ask. There are so many ways that autistic people communicate that it's impossible for everyone to learn all of them. But that being said, neurotypicals need to be more open and accepting of people who communicate in ways they're unfamiliar with. Phrases like "what did you mean by that?" need to be more common in neurotypical vocabulary.
Some parents of autistic kids, for example, aren't teaching their kids how to be pleasant to be around or how to survive. For example, when their 12-year-old smacks his food with his mouth wide open in public and grosses people out, the mom goes into attack mode on anyone who might give an uncomfortable glance their way. Other parents might not take their autistic child out in public because the child dislikes the noises and lights rather than slowly desensitizing them to it. Whether or not the kid likes it doesn't change the fact that they will have to deal with it eventually. Some parents are even treating tantrums and meltdowns the same way, letting their kids grow up learning that bad behavior gets them what they want. Another common problem is that many parents of autistic kids give into their child's food sensory sensitivities and let the kid eat junk food instead of teaching them that they must eat healthy if they want to live. I understand that sometimes you can't physically get the food into the child's mouth without abusing the child, but it's also neglect/abuse to let them grow up eating nothing but junk. When the child's sensitivities are getting in the way of living a healthy life, this is when it's necessary to reach out to therapy for help. Over all, they're not teaching their children to function in the world. This is unacceptable, and yes, it's gone too far. Of course, this is not all autism parents, but it is a lot of them.
A lot of people in the neurodiversity movement have unfortunately developed victim complexes. They see anything negative, or things they falsely perceive as negative, and react in anger and accusations. They see hate where there is none. When someone says "hold on, that's not what I meant," they insist that the person was being hurtful regardless of what their actual intentions were. This kind of behavior is unfortunately seen in other minority movements such as Black Lives Matter and the LGBT movement. Minorities spend their lives being marginalized, hurt, and belittled, and it wears on us. We naturally get defensive quickly because we've been hurt so often. This doesn't make it right to lash out unfairly, though.
Here is an example of a leader in the neurodiveristy movement lashing out at me when she mistakenly thought I was body-shaming her, when in fact I was trying to compliment her, I just worded it very poorly, for which I apologized and removed the comment:
If behavior like this is what the outside world sees of the neurodiversity movement, it's no wonder that they think we've gone too far. But it's important to remember that people like this don't make up the majority of the movement, they just happen to the very vocal. Get to know some of the more down-to-earth individuals, and you'll see that we're just normal people trying to make our way in a world that isn't designed for us.
There's a young black businesswoman who snips the tags out of her clothes, eats her food in separate piles, has some close friends who she enjoys hanging out with, she's creative and a bit artistic, presents well in meetings, has a good sense of humor, is confident, and has men hanging on her every word.
There's a white boy between the ages of 4 and 14. He's good at math, he's obsessed with trains, likes playing video games, doesn't go outside much, has trouble controlling his voice volume, starts to panic if the school bus is late, flaps his hands when he gets excited or upset, and doesn't have many friends.
There's a teenage honors student who missed her final exam because it was moved to a different location than it's usually in, she makes A's and B's in school, has a small group of friends, walks on tiptoe while leaning forward slightly and looking down at her feet, generally likes to head straight home after school, has never been asked on a date, and loves animals.
Which one of these people is autistic?
It's a trick question: they all are. Autism looks different in different people. When most people think of autism, a stereotype pops into their mind. The stereotype varies, but it's usually along the lines of someone who is socially awkward, might be a little bit ugly, and is usually male. Most people also think of children. And as much as I hate to think it, a lot of people associate autism with stupidity. Ironically, we're often highly intelligent, but because we communicate differently, move differently, have different vocal patterns, and may suffer from anxiety, many of us are seen as stupid.
ADULTS WITH AUTISM EXIST. We don't stop being autistic when we turn 18. We'll have the same struggles we've always had, just with new responsibilities and new pressures, but also with greater maturity and experience. There are a lot of support groups, therapies, and counseling for autistic children and parents of autistic children, but almost none for adults. When I was diagnosed at 17, I was put in occupational therapy where they had me dancing (to help with full-body motor control) filing paperwork, catching balls, etc. The other patients ranged from 2 to 8 years old. By the time I was 18, the therapists told me there wasn't much more they could do for me. Since then I've been unsuccessful at finding help, partly because there is so little help for adults, and partly because I don't know how to look for it. I don't know who to contact, how to work my way through the complicated and confusing contact systems of each therapist, playing phone tag, and finally, the only one I've successfully gotten in contact with was connected with Autism Speaks, and I don't feel comfortable handing myself over to the care of Autism Speaks (more about that above).
AUTISTIC PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS. An extremely prevalent myth about autism is that we lack emotions, empathy, etc. Current textbooks still teach that autistic children don't experience embarrassment or empathy. This couldn't be farther from the truth. People with autism not only DO feel all emotions that neurotypicals feel, but we feel them at a much greater intensity. This is why autistic children melt down. Not only are their senses highly sensitive, and not only do they, as children, lack the maturity and practice to regulate their emotions, but the emotions they feel are incredibly intense. Autistic people learn very early on to bottle up our emotions and hide them for fear of being called cry-babies, shamed, or emotionally hurt in other ways. Sometimes we were even physically hurt.
As a child, when I would be spanked, I would cry. I don't know if I cried longer than most children would. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. All I know is that I would cry because I was in pain and I was scared. Then my father would tell me to stop crying. If I didn't stop crying, I would be spanked again. Of course, that only made me cry harder, and then I would either keep being spanked until I was bruised and my father gave up, or, on a good night, I would be sent to my room until I could "be pleasant."
Being autistic means you experience emotions at a much higher intensity than neurotypical people do. It's ironic that neurotypicals accuse us of having no emotions and/or having no empathy, when in reality, we just express it differently. We empathize by sharing similar experiences, and neurotypicals take that as us trying to "one up" them or us making it all about us. Eventually we learn to suppress our natural tendencies to avoid being shamed/rejected by the people we're trying to help. It becomes second nature to us to give the shallow "I'm sorry" response that we hear neurotypicals give each other. But it's fake. It's just a suppression of our true, incredibly intense sympathy. Neurotypicals see a fake "I'm sorry," and they assume we lack empathy, but what they don't see is us going back home and crying because we know how much pain that person is going through.
WOMEN WITH AUTISM EXIST. As I said earlier, women with autism are under-diagnosed. We're generally very good at masking, especially if we have lower anxiety levels and/or higher confidence. My older sister has a much higher degree of confidence than I do, and thus she masks much better than I do. But even then, most people are surprised when I tell them I'm autistic. I don't "look" autistic. I can hold a conversation easily as long as there aren't too many people and the other person is at least a bit invested. Anywhere beyond three other people (four total when including myself), I have trouble following the flow of the conversation. If there's a lot of noise and I'm sitting on the end, I'm hopelessly lost and at that point I give up. My older sister seems to have no trouble with this, however, and it's won her the attention of lots of friends and many guys. Compared to her, I might as well be invisible.
The word "autism" is almost like a dirty word in TV and movies. Every now and then characters appear who are pretty clearly meant to be autistic, but even then, it's rare that the word "autism" is said.
Whether or not "autism" is named, autistic characters, or characters who display autistic traits, are nearly always there for comic relief. Characters like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory, Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy, Moss and Roy in IT Crowd, Maud Pie in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, even Castiel in Supernatural, all display autistic characteristics, and yes, while the characters are lovable and endearing, their goof-ups exist to be laughed at. Autism is the media exists to be laughed at.
We're not Rainman. We're not Sheldon Cooper. Using us as the butt of jokes is harmful to our community, invalidates our hard work, demeans us as human beings, teaches the world that our feelings don't matter, and is deeply hurtful.
If the media is going to portray us, treat us with respect. Show our struggles. Show our strengths. Show our masking. Show the rejection and mockery that we face every day. Sure, our foibles can be amusing no doubt, but that's not who we are. We are so much more than that. We don't exist to be your laughingstock.
Autistic people almost always have some kind of intense interest on a particular, sometimes obscure subject. No one really knows why this is, it just is. We find escape, safety, and security in our special interests. Sometimes we have a group of special interests that rotate. For me, my main special interests are animals, art, and fandoms. The ones that rotate are fandoms. I have fandoms that I'm always interested in, and I'm always finding more, and the fandom community as a whole excites me, but which fandom I'm especially into at any given time changes.
Autistic special interests are different from neurotypical special interests. When I was a little girl, horses were my special interest. I still love horses, but it's widened into a passion for all animals as I've matured. But when I was little, everything I owned was horse-related. If I had a blanket on my bed, it had horses on it. If I had a notebook for school, it had horse stickers on it. The only place I wanted to be was at the barn hanging around horses. You get the idea. I assumed other kids were as excited about their interests as I was. I would try to reach out to them on their terms. I knew they weren't into horses like I was, but I thought they had to be into something, so when they expressed interest in something, such as dogs, for example, I would give them toy dogs, dog coloring books, dog t-shirts, etc. It didn't occur to me that while they liked dogs, they weren't into dogs in the same way that I was into horses. It wasn't until my early teens that I realized the rest of the world is rather apathetic about the things they like.
We don't just enjoy our special interests, we want to learn about them. We study them, and can become experts in that field. For example, I can tell you all about the history of the Elves in Tolkien's Middle Earth, or what all the different colors of lightsabers mean in Star Wars, or what the strengths and weaknesses are of the different aliens in Star Trek, or about minute differences in dogs food brands, how to keep an aquarium properly, the best way to feed a hamster, how the government's management of wild horses is no good, the different ways oil paints interact with linseed oil vs galkyd, etc., but honestly, most people don't want to talk about that kind of stuff. Neurotypicals often say that autistic people have narrow interests, but most of us really don't, we just have interests that differ from yours.
When a neurotypical spends a lot of time to learn about a subject, they're called "educated." When an autistic person spends a lot of time to learn about a subject, we're called "obsessed." It's normal to jabber all day long about sports and wear sports team logos on your clothes and put sports stickers on your car, but it's obsessive to talk about your favorite TV show, book series, etc. to people who aren't interested in it. You assault us with your sports day in and day out, but you won't pause to listen to what we love about our favorite stories. In fact, most self-aware autistic people will confess to thinking hard about how much they've talked about their special interest each day. How many sentences have we spoken about it? Did we talk about it yesterday? Can we talk about it today? We should be allowed to talk about what makes us happy as freely as you talk about sports.
But what makes special interests powerful isn't just that we find them fun, but that we care deeply about them. This comes out in social movements. Greta Thunburg, for example, is very interested in the environment and mankind's future. She's put a lot of study and effort into her special interest. A lot of scientists and artists are autistic because it takes a lot of dedication to become skilled in those areas. You can't coast when you're a professional artist or a scientist. You have to love it.
Neurotypical people have opinions, but autistic people research their opinions intensely and live by them. We have a strong sense of justice and we cannot stand by to see injustice rule. When we discover that we care about something, we CARE about it, and we will find out everything there is to know about it, and probably bring it up with you the next time we see you. There's nothing worse than for us to try to make small-talk in a room filled with neurotypicals discussing poorly-researched facts.
"Life with Autism - part 2":
Life with Autism - Pt. 2Continued from "Life with Autism - Pt. 1" :
Sensory Sensitivities
Almost all autistic people have some sort of sensory sensitivity disorder. We aren't able to shut off our brains to outside stimuli like neurotypicals do automatically. We have to be consciously aware of every little noise around us at all times. We're hyper-aware of the way the lights flicker in buildings, the way the air touches our hair, the way our clothes feel against our skin, the feel of our hair against our neck, the tags in our clothes, the tightness of our shoes, the noise you make as you breathe next to us, the cars passing by outside, the birds singing, the music in nearby shops and cars, dogs barking, babies crying, people talking, bugs flying, the sun in our eyes, local construction sounds, nearby TVs, etc., all at the same time. We can't tune out any of it. What sounds like a simple blender or coffee grinder to you is torture to us.
The only w
I've hesitated for my as long as I've been online about whether or not I should openly post about this, but lately I've come to the conclusion that if we neurodiverse people don't speak for ourselves, no one will. Will people try to use this as a weapon against me to invalidate what things I have to say? Undoubtedly. But I think it's my responsibility to share it despite the bullies and small-minded haters.
I'm autistic. I've shared this with people individually. You might already know. I was diagnosed with a nonverbal learning disorder when I was 17. It's a diagnosis which essentially boils down to "she's on the autism spectrum but we don't know where she falls exactly."
I know that people will use my autism as a way to invalidate my arguments. I see this happen with every openly autistic person I know. If people don't like what you have to say, the first thing they jump to is your autism. "Oh, she's just being autistic." "Don't listen, that's the autism talking." "Autists like her don't know what they're talking about." "She's mentally ill." People say things like that, and I have no doubt they'll say it about me when I publish this. But it says more about them than it does about me. It shows their ableism. It shows how small and insecure they are. When people attack what makes you different instead of answering your arguments, it means you've won.
When I see a girl like Greta Thunburg, I see myself when I was her age. I see a girl who looks younger than her age and who cares deeply for what she believes in. I see the same passion and straightforward thinking that makes up my mental wiring. I see the same drive that prompts me to say what needs to be said, not what people want to hear. I see her call the world out on its faults and weather the abuse they throw back at her when they get offended, just like I do day in and day out, especially online. Even her little crooked smile looks just like mine! When I see the bile that people spit at her, I see the same kind of abuse I've lived through for my entire life, except now it's being seen on an international scale, and people are finally waking up to the cruelty the autism community has faced for the entirety of our existence. Humanity is cruelly unforgiving of those who do not fit their social expectations.
IMPORTANT: Because almost no studies have been done on autism beyond trying to "cure" us, very little is known about us. Thus, most of the facts I put in this piece come from autistics talking to other autistics. I would like to be able to link to clinical studies, but because we are actively discriminated against in politics, medicine, and the career field, such studies don't exist.
Neurotypical: a person who is not neurodiverse.
Allistic: a term that many autistic people use to describe non-autistics. May be neurotypical or neurodiverse, just not autistic.
Neurodiverse: a person who is not neurotypical.
Neurotype: the wiring that makes up how a person thinks, be them neurotypical or neurodiverse. Autism is a neurotype. Neurotypicality is a neurotype. The list goes on.
Autism Spectrum: the different symptoms of autism.
Masking: when an autistic person mimics the behavior of neurotypical people around them in order to avoid stigma and rejection. Often becomes second-nature, but in all cases is very tiring and stressful.
Meltdown: when a person's nervous system is overloaded and the person shuts down. Can take the form of lashing out in anger, walling up in silence, crying, or pretty much any emotional outburst. Meltdowns can look like tantrums, but are actually very different. A tantrum occurs when a child wants something. Tantrums are manipulative. Tantrums always have an audience. Meltdowns can happen anywhere, even when the person is alone. NOTE: Nervous system overload does not stop as an autistic person reaches adulthood. Adults with autism experience overload just like children with autism. We have simply learned to identify what pending overload feels like and (seeing as we're adults and aren't controlled by parents or guardians), are generally able to get ourselves away from the stimuli before a crisis occurs.
Ableism: looking down on disabled people, believing less of them, and/or discriminating against them.
Autism Speaks: AS is the organization that dominates the global discussion of autism. They are involved in almost all studies and regulations surrounding autism. However, AS has, to this day, been about "fixing" autistic people. Until relatively recently, their motto was "cure autism." They have historically operated without a single autistic person on their board, and advocate for harmful therapies which aim to suppress harmless, natural autistic tendencies. Because organizations such as Autism Speaks are behind almost all studies done on autism, next to no studies cover theories other than attempts to cure autism. Because of this, very little is officially known about autism beyond failed attempts to "cure" it.
The Puzzle Piece: The puzzle piece is the internationally-recognized symbol of autism. It symbolizes that each autistic person is different, but we all fit together into the bigger picture that is autism. However, it has an unfortunate history of ableism. At one point in time, it was used to say that autistic people were missing a piece of their brains. Many autistic people reject the puzzle piece as a symbol of autism.
Neurodiversity and Neurotypes
The neurodiveristy movement is a movement celebrating the differences and strengths that differences such as autism, ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, etc, bring. We hear so much about the weaknesses of different neurotypes, but we don't hear about their strengths. When we're told about a neurotype, we're told what the person is not good at, not what they are good at. For example, everyone knows autistic people have poor social skills by neurotypical standards, but did you know that autistic people almost never fall victim to groupthink because we think outside the box and see the big picture? We also aren't likely to fall prey to marketing and advertisements because we think practically and look at the item or service itself rather than get swept up in its packaging, etc. These are just two strengths that autistic people posses, but we never hear about them. The neurodiveristy movement wants to put those strengths in the spotlight to do away with bigotry, ableism, fear, stigma, and rejection.
"Autistic person" vs. "person with autism": a lot of autistic people dislike person-first identification. They like to refer to themselves as "autistic people" rather than "people with autism." This is because no one says "people with neurotypicality." We say "neurotypicals." I personally don't care if you say "she has autism" as opposed to "she is autistic," but some people get very upset by it. I personally think it's a little hypersensitive to get upset over, but we live in an offense-addicted culture, so just be aware that this language is something people might get uptight over. If someone gets upset with you about it, just say "I'm sorry, I didn't know you preferred to be addressed that way." And then address them how they ask you to from then on out. If they're a decent person, that should be the end of the problem.
"Autism Moms"
One of the things that the neurodiversity movement wants to shed light on and stop is a particular type of parent, usually mothers, of autistic children. These mothers describe themselves as "Autism Super Moms" and "Autism Warriors" and spend their time online complaining about their children to garner sympathy from each other and the outside world. They act as if their sufferings are greater than their children's. They'll post memes that say things such as: "Parents love their children unconditionally. Special needs children make their parents prove it."
A lot of parents like this are against vaccines because they mistakenly believe that vaccines cause autism, even though that theory has been undeniably proven false, and the man who started it has admitted he falsified the information (www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/conc… , www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24…). Such parents choose not to vaccinate their children, therefore putting their children and everyone who comes in contact with their children at risk for measles, mumps, rubella, and other potentially deadly diseases.
"Autims moms" make their children feel like burdens. These parents complain about how tired they are. They make light of their children's sensory sensitivities. They film and laugh at their children's attempts to fit in with society and other kids. And worst of all, they'll often say embarrassing, hurtful things about their children in front of their children, as if they can't understand them. I've actually seen this with my own eyes. I have a friend who has an autistic brother, and on several occasions I've watched the mother talk badly about her son while he sat next to her, or while I and the son were within earshot in another room. When it took place where the mother couldn't see us but we could still hear her, he'd look at me with obvious pain in his eyes, and all I could say was "I'm sorry."
Then to make matters worse, such parents often don't give their children the support they need to grow and learn to function in a neurotypical world. The kids are often allowed to get away with far too much. The autistic community hasn't been able to figure out exactly why this is. We suspect it may be that these parents have, in a sense, given up. They might have a low opinion of their child's capabilities and might no longer challenge them because it's easier to just give in. It's easier to make peanut butter and jelly every night than it is to get your child to try healthy foods. It's less embarrassing to stay home than it is to teach your child to get used to bright lights and the sounds of people talking. "Autism moms" are a strange combination of coddling and abuse, and no good will come of it.
Now, of course, not all parents of autistic children are like this. In fact, many are completely fine. This is just one type of parent.
The Autism Spectrum
You've probably heard the term "autism spectrum" or "autism spectrum disorders," sometimes called ASD. Most people think of the spectrum as a line of how severely autistic you are, one end being people who drool and flap their arms in wheelchairs with headphones on, the other end of the spectrum being people you didn't even know were autistic. This is NOT how the spectrum works!
The autism spectrum is more like a circle, or a spider's web, with all kinds of different types of symptoms on it. There's nonverbal, where the person can't speak, isolation, where the person doesn't visibly react to outside stimuli, sensory sensitivity disorders, and what used to be called Asperger's syndrome, where the person can function to varying degrees in a neurotypical world.
The saying goes: "when you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person." This is true. Everyone's experience of autism is different. Everyone with autism acts differently. We're individual people. Autism is not the only part of us that makes up who we are. It is part of us, and that's why we don't want a "cure," but it's not the only part. Personality, IQ, character, how we were raised, etc., all play a role in how autism affects us. Every part of a person comes together to make a person, and autism is part of that for us. Autism does not mean we're missing a puzzle piece in our brain. Autism IS a part of the puzzle that makes up our brains, just like neurotypicality is part of the puzzle that makes up your brain. If you took away our autism, you would take away a piece of who we are. Autism cannot be separated from the person.
"Functioning" Labels
Autistic people are sometimes categorized by whether we are "high functioning," "mid functioning," or "low functioning." I dislike these labels because it treats living people like objects, labeling some as functional and others as dysfunctional. It creates an atmosphere were some people are seen as better than others. I wish terms like Asperger's were still around to describe high-functioning autism, because it identified a form of autism without making some people "better" than others.
"High functioning" people are those who take care of themselves without others helping them. They usually have above-average IQ and can be extremely insightful into the world around them if others are willing to listen. They often communicate very well through formal writing, but not as well through speech. Most verbal missteps do happen in interpersonal writing, though, because the autistic can't tell how the other person is reacting until it's too late. Like any other person, they may need financial assistance depending on their employment, but they can finish school, most finish college, manage money, take care of a household, drive, hold down a job, take care of their personal hygiene, eat healthy, etc. Essentially, they can pass as neurotypical in most environments, and the only difficulties they have that make them "disabled" are those brought on from the outside, due to the over-complicated modern world and the closed-mindedness of other people. They're generally just seen as "odd." They usually learn to mask very effectively from a young age, especially females. Many are successful professionals, but even high-functioning autistics find it difficult to land a well-paying job due to stigma, ableism, judgement, and the general confusing nature of the job market.
"Mid functioning" autistic people cannot live on their own, but they can largely take care of their own needs. They may or may not be able to hold down a job. They may or may not be able to drive. They can generally take care of their personal hygiene and keep up around the house, although sometimes need someone else to prompt or remind them. These people are generally intelligent, but you can tell immediately that something is "off" about them. Unfortunately, people with mid-functioning autism are often unfairly assumed to have mental retardation due to their unusual vocal patterns, ways of walking, social skills, etc., even though their IQ is usually as high as anyone else's. They are sometimes employed, but find it difficult to advance past low-level retail-type jobs, even if they have earned a certificate in school. Most mid-functioning autistic people live in the care of others while working minimum-wage jobs.
"Low functioning" autistic people cannot live on their own or take care of their basic needs. They might need help bathing, cooking, cleaning, etc. They are almost always unemployed. They may or may not be able to speak, and they may or may not be able to write well, either. It can be difficult to determine their IQ because they may not be able to take a standard test. However, they almost always have something they are good at, especially if it's a repetitive task, and if that can be put into employment, they can be very reliable employees. Unfortunately, it's difficult to find employers who are willing to give low functioning autistic people a chance.
I dislike functioning labels. However, because some aspects of autism are clearly disabling in all contexts that we are aware of, and because some people unfortunately have a higher rate of those disabling aspects, I will use the terms "high" and "low" functioning for the purpose of this article. Not because I like the terms, but because I lack better ones. I wish there were just different names for the types of autism out there, because functioning labels are disrespectful, but there are clear boundaries within the larger autism spectrum. There are some people on the spectrum who have nothing in common with me other than a sensitivity to loud noises. But because we lack proper labels/categories, I'll have to use functioning labels for now.
"High functioning" does not mean "less autistic," it means I have a different set of symptoms that allow me to function reasonably well in neurotypical society.
Invisible Disability:
The term "invisible disability" refers to a disability that is not immediately apparent and may not be protected by disabilities policies. People with invisible disabilities such as high-functioning autism are frequently discriminated against, especially by employers. There's no way to prove that an employer rejected you because of your disability, especially if it's something less tangible, such as autism. There's always someone "more qualified."
A common every day example of this is when I make a social misstep that offends someone. Perhaps I was unintentionally rude, or an attempt to be assertive/confident and get my point across came across as harsh and demanding, or I just said something that meant one thing but someone else interpreted it as something unkind. Whatever it was, when I realize my mistake, I try to apologize (not for what I meant, but for how it was received), and the apology typically nullifies whatever I was trying to say in the first place, which is incredibly frustrating for me. But I still want the other person to know I didn't mean to hurt them. It's almost always more important to mend a relationship than it is to get a point across (depending what point I was trying to make.) But if I mention my autism to explain why the situation happened, they tell me (and often using these exact words): "don't use your autism as a crutch." The thing is, when a more "severely" autistic person makes a social misstep, people usually brush it off. They say "oh, don't worry about it. Did you mean _____?" Or "she didn't mean it like that. I think she was trying to say ______." And if the person apologizes for the mistake and points out how their autism affected the situation, people are usually pretty chill about it, because it's understood that they have a disability and no harm was intended. But when a "high-functioning" autistic person does the same, they're not given any grace or understanding. They're punished for not acting like a neurotypical, because most of the time they can pass as a neurotypical.
People expect a "low-functioning" autistic person to act autistic, but they don't expect a "high-functioning" autistic person to act autistic.
If a person's disability isn't apparent, then others expect them to behave normally. When we don't, others are disappointed in us, often assuming ugly things about our intelligence or personality. Instead of saying "wow, you got to this point despite your disability" or "look how your differences contributed to your success," and celebrating the accomplishment, we're told "you need to be better at this,” "stop whining," "don't use your disorder as a crutch." Having an invisible disability means that your accomplishments don't look like accomplishments. It means that we're not autistic enough to receive accommodations, but not normal enough to live without those things. People with high-functioning autism live in a limbo of trying desperately to live like the rest of humanity and forever falling short instead of just being allowed to live differently.
High-functioning autism doesn't mean I experience my autism mildly. It means you experience my autism mildly. You have no idea how hard I've had to work to get to this point.
Disability or Different Ability?
Imagine there are oranges. These oranges live with other oranges and all they know is oranges. Then one day they meet an apple. But instead of calling it an apple, they call it "orange deficit syndrome" fruit.
That's how it feels to be autistic. The only reason we are seen as disabled and "weird" is because there's more of them than us. We are a minority in a world populated by neurotypicals. We're wired differently from them, and since we struggle in their world because it was designed for them and not for us, they see us as disabled.
But consider this: disability requires context. If the world were reversed, and "high functioning" autistic people made up the majority of the population and neurotypicals were a minority, suddenly neurotypicals would be disabled. All their groupthink tendencies, their unreliable memories, their inability to see systems, their obsession with dropping weird hints instead of just saying what they mean, etc., would make them extremely disabled in a world designed by and for autistic people. The way they stare into others' eyeballs would be seen as weird, and they way they talk and gesture would be looked down on as socially awkward. The way they talk so fast without pausing to think would be viewed as rude. The way they sugar-coat and say white lies instead of telling the straight truth would be considered dishonest. This is because everyone has weaknesses. Neurotypicals have weaknesses just like autistic people do. But because the world is designed to accommodate their weaknesses, neurotypical weakness is seen as human nature, whereas autistic weakness is seen as disability.
If the world were designed by high functioning autistic people, it would not only function perfectly fine, but it might even function more smoothly. When a problem comes up, neurotypicals don't automatically step back and look at the big picture. They say they do, but they really don't. They look at the problem in isolation and then slap a band-aid on it instead of fixing the root that caused the problem however many steps earlier. You can see this is the way the American tax system operates. Let's be real: do any of us actually understand American taxes? The way the American tax system works is it starts with a base system that works for the most part, but when problems arose as they will with any system, instead of changing the system, they just added loopholes, deductions, rebates, etc., all of which you must understand in order to take advantage of. You ultimately end up with a convoluted, confusing, overly-complicated system that neurotypicals insist is the only way for it to work. But if autistics were in charge, we'd probably have a flat tax. Everyone would pay however much a percentage of their income, there wouldn't be much in the way of rebates and deductions except in a few specific cases, and loopholes would be closed. There would probably be people whose entire job would be to hunt down loopholes and close them. The lower class would probably have to pay slightly less, or at least wouldn't have to pay someone else to do their taxes for them, the middle class probably wouldn't notice a difference except that it would be simpler to do taxes, but the upper class would no longer be able to evade taxes. Or we might have a different tax system entirely, but whatever it would be, I can guarantee that it would be simpler and more effective. The same would go for insurance, health care, anything with a contract, etc. If autistics were the majority, the world would be a much simpler place. It wouldn't be perfect because humans are flawed no matter our neurotype, but it would definitely be simpler.
Autism fills in the gaps that neurotypicality leaves open. Companies and enterprises need our skills, because neurotypicals don't have them. Workplaces that support neurodiveristy and actively seek out neurodiverse people are upwards of 20% more productive! We are talented and capable. We miss what you catch, and we catch what you miss. So is it a disability, or just a different ability?
Masking
Masking is something that higher-functioning autistic people do in order to avoid judgement, rejection, etc. It involves mimicking the behaviors, speech patterns, and movements of neurotypical people. Instead of letting their true self show, the autistic person behaves as if they were neurotypical.
People who mask are frequently told "you don't look autistic," or "you look so normal." A neurotypical's normal is autopilot. An autistic's normal is manual control. Before we learned to mask, back when we were our true selves, we were shamed, bullied, teased, harassed, emotionally abused, and perhaps even attacked physically. While no studies have been done, it's estimated that the majority of autistic adults have suffered abuse of some kind during their childhood, and many suffer PTSD and most (myself included) suffer anxiety because of it. We don't mask to fit in, we mask out of self-preservation. We mask because we learned through decades of pain that neurotypicals will only accept us if we act like them. We are expected every single minute of every single day of our lives to be something we are not, and our only reward is the hope of escaping ostracization. We have to fake who we are just to get neurotypicals to give us the same respect they give each other.
Masking is exhausting. Pretending to be something else all day long takes a toll on you like nothing else can. It's exhausting mentally, emotionally, and physically. Introverts need to recharge by themselves, but recharging after a day of masking takes it to a whole new level. Depending on what we had to mask for, it can take us days to recover, sometimes even longer.
But I repeat: this exhaustion is not due to a disability. Any human being will be exhausted after pretending to be something they are not for the majority of their lives. The only reason we do this is because neurotypicals will not accept us otherwise. If neurotypicals stopped rejecting our natural autistic selves, we would no longer have to mask, and we would no longer be exhausted.
Imagine spending your life faking the behavior of other people through a painful process of trial and error in order to be accepted into society. Then you're told you're "not very autistic," and all of your hard work, pain, endurance, and accomplishments are brushed aside and you're treated like a lazy bum who should be farther along in life. That's what it means to be autistic. It's like trying to run with a parachute behind you, and that parachute is social conventions and judgment.
Female autism:
There is a belief that autism is more prevalent among boys than it is among girls. This is only true if we're discussing diagnosis, but this doesn't take into account that females are generally better at masking than males are. No one knows why this is. Again, there are painfully few studies done on autism, and almost all of them focus on "curing" us. Medicine has also historically been male-centered, so it's not surprising that very little is known about female autism.
Because females are typically better at masking, we are diagnosed less often as boys. Many girls aren't diagnosed until later in life, if they are diagnosed at all. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 17. Some people go undiagnosed until their 50s. Some never get diagnosed. Boys are not more likely to have autism, girls are just under-diagnosed. Autism does not carry through the father's line; it can come from either, or both, lines.
Has the Neurodiveristy Movement Gone "Too Far"?
Many neurotypicals are pushing back and complaining that we are asking too much when we ask to be accepted. This is selfish and ableist. We make accommodations for neurotypicals every second of every day, and they refuse to make accommodations for us. This should be a two-way street and we should meet in the middle. Right now it's a one-way street and autistics are expected to give everything.
Everyone talks about how autistics need to communicate better, but no one for one minutes tells neurotypicals to listen.
So someone is autistic. Are they doing anything that might be considered odd? If so, is the thing they're doing harmful in any way, distracting, or annoying other people? No? Then let them be them. If they're being annoying or a distraction, respectfully help them find another outlet for what it is they're feeling. They probably don't want to annoy you. If you want to change an autistic person just because they're "weird" or, heaven forbid, you think it's funny to watch them struggle, then you're an ableist, worthless bully.
Now, all that being said, many people in the neurodiversity movement are doing things that are unhelpful for everyone. Some autistic people expect the world to be able to figure out how to communicate in the unique way of each individual autistic person, whatever their functioning level. This is too much to ask. There are so many ways that autistic people communicate that it's impossible for everyone to learn all of them. But that being said, neurotypicals need to be more open and accepting of people who communicate in ways they're unfamiliar with. Phrases like "what did you mean by that?" need to be more common in neurotypical vocabulary.
Some parents of autistic kids, for example, aren't teaching their kids how to be pleasant to be around or how to survive. For example, when their 12-year-old smacks his food with his mouth wide open in public and grosses people out, the mom goes into attack mode on anyone who might give an uncomfortable glance their way. Other parents might not take their autistic child out in public because the child dislikes the noises and lights rather than slowly desensitizing them to it. Whether or not the kid likes it doesn't change the fact that they will have to deal with it eventually. Some parents are even treating tantrums and meltdowns the same way, letting their kids grow up learning that bad behavior gets them what they want. Another common problem is that many parents of autistic kids give into their child's food sensory sensitivities and let the kid eat junk food instead of teaching them that they must eat healthy if they want to live. I understand that sometimes you can't physically get the food into the child's mouth without abusing the child, but it's also neglect/abuse to let them grow up eating nothing but junk. When the child's sensitivities are getting in the way of living a healthy life, this is when it's necessary to reach out to therapy for help. Over all, they're not teaching their children to function in the world. This is unacceptable, and yes, it's gone too far. Of course, this is not all autism parents, but it is a lot of them.
Victim complexes
A lot of people in the neurodiversity movement have unfortunately developed victim complexes. They see anything negative, or things they falsely perceive as negative, and react in anger and accusations. They see hate where there is none. When someone says "hold on, that's not what I meant," they insist that the person was being hurtful regardless of what their actual intentions were. This kind of behavior is unfortunately seen in other minority movements such as Black Lives Matter and the LGBT movement. Minorities spend their lives being marginalized, hurt, and belittled, and it wears on us. We naturally get defensive quickly because we've been hurt so often. This doesn't make it right to lash out unfairly, though.
Here is an example of a leader in the neurodiveristy movement lashing out at me when she mistakenly thought I was body-shaming her, when in fact I was trying to compliment her, I just worded it very poorly, for which I apologized and removed the comment:
If behavior like this is what the outside world sees of the neurodiversity movement, it's no wonder that they think we've gone too far. But it's important to remember that people like this don't make up the majority of the movement, they just happen to the very vocal. Get to know some of the more down-to-earth individuals, and you'll see that we're just normal people trying to make our way in a world that isn't designed for us.Harmful Stereotypes
There's a young black businesswoman who snips the tags out of her clothes, eats her food in separate piles, has some close friends who she enjoys hanging out with, she's creative and a bit artistic, presents well in meetings, has a good sense of humor, is confident, and has men hanging on her every word.
There's a white boy between the ages of 4 and 14. He's good at math, he's obsessed with trains, likes playing video games, doesn't go outside much, has trouble controlling his voice volume, starts to panic if the school bus is late, flaps his hands when he gets excited or upset, and doesn't have many friends.
There's a teenage honors student who missed her final exam because it was moved to a different location than it's usually in, she makes A's and B's in school, has a small group of friends, walks on tiptoe while leaning forward slightly and looking down at her feet, generally likes to head straight home after school, has never been asked on a date, and loves animals.
Which one of these people is autistic?
It's a trick question: they all are. Autism looks different in different people. When most people think of autism, a stereotype pops into their mind. The stereotype varies, but it's usually along the lines of someone who is socially awkward, might be a little bit ugly, and is usually male. Most people also think of children. And as much as I hate to think it, a lot of people associate autism with stupidity. Ironically, we're often highly intelligent, but because we communicate differently, move differently, have different vocal patterns, and may suffer from anxiety, many of us are seen as stupid.
ADULTS WITH AUTISM EXIST. We don't stop being autistic when we turn 18. We'll have the same struggles we've always had, just with new responsibilities and new pressures, but also with greater maturity and experience. There are a lot of support groups, therapies, and counseling for autistic children and parents of autistic children, but almost none for adults. When I was diagnosed at 17, I was put in occupational therapy where they had me dancing (to help with full-body motor control) filing paperwork, catching balls, etc. The other patients ranged from 2 to 8 years old. By the time I was 18, the therapists told me there wasn't much more they could do for me. Since then I've been unsuccessful at finding help, partly because there is so little help for adults, and partly because I don't know how to look for it. I don't know who to contact, how to work my way through the complicated and confusing contact systems of each therapist, playing phone tag, and finally, the only one I've successfully gotten in contact with was connected with Autism Speaks, and I don't feel comfortable handing myself over to the care of Autism Speaks (more about that above).
AUTISTIC PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS. An extremely prevalent myth about autism is that we lack emotions, empathy, etc. Current textbooks still teach that autistic children don't experience embarrassment or empathy. This couldn't be farther from the truth. People with autism not only DO feel all emotions that neurotypicals feel, but we feel them at a much greater intensity. This is why autistic children melt down. Not only are their senses highly sensitive, and not only do they, as children, lack the maturity and practice to regulate their emotions, but the emotions they feel are incredibly intense. Autistic people learn very early on to bottle up our emotions and hide them for fear of being called cry-babies, shamed, or emotionally hurt in other ways. Sometimes we were even physically hurt.
As a child, when I would be spanked, I would cry. I don't know if I cried longer than most children would. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. All I know is that I would cry because I was in pain and I was scared. Then my father would tell me to stop crying. If I didn't stop crying, I would be spanked again. Of course, that only made me cry harder, and then I would either keep being spanked until I was bruised and my father gave up, or, on a good night, I would be sent to my room until I could "be pleasant."
Being autistic means you experience emotions at a much higher intensity than neurotypical people do. It's ironic that neurotypicals accuse us of having no emotions and/or having no empathy, when in reality, we just express it differently. We empathize by sharing similar experiences, and neurotypicals take that as us trying to "one up" them or us making it all about us. Eventually we learn to suppress our natural tendencies to avoid being shamed/rejected by the people we're trying to help. It becomes second nature to us to give the shallow "I'm sorry" response that we hear neurotypicals give each other. But it's fake. It's just a suppression of our true, incredibly intense sympathy. Neurotypicals see a fake "I'm sorry," and they assume we lack empathy, but what they don't see is us going back home and crying because we know how much pain that person is going through.
WOMEN WITH AUTISM EXIST. As I said earlier, women with autism are under-diagnosed. We're generally very good at masking, especially if we have lower anxiety levels and/or higher confidence. My older sister has a much higher degree of confidence than I do, and thus she masks much better than I do. But even then, most people are surprised when I tell them I'm autistic. I don't "look" autistic. I can hold a conversation easily as long as there aren't too many people and the other person is at least a bit invested. Anywhere beyond three other people (four total when including myself), I have trouble following the flow of the conversation. If there's a lot of noise and I'm sitting on the end, I'm hopelessly lost and at that point I give up. My older sister seems to have no trouble with this, however, and it's won her the attention of lots of friends and many guys. Compared to her, I might as well be invisible.
Autism in the media:
The word "autism" is almost like a dirty word in TV and movies. Every now and then characters appear who are pretty clearly meant to be autistic, but even then, it's rare that the word "autism" is said.
Whether or not "autism" is named, autistic characters, or characters who display autistic traits, are nearly always there for comic relief. Characters like Sheldon Cooper in Big Bang Theory, Drax in Guardians of the Galaxy, Moss and Roy in IT Crowd, Maud Pie in My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, even Castiel in Supernatural, all display autistic characteristics, and yes, while the characters are lovable and endearing, their goof-ups exist to be laughed at. Autism is the media exists to be laughed at.
We're not Rainman. We're not Sheldon Cooper. Using us as the butt of jokes is harmful to our community, invalidates our hard work, demeans us as human beings, teaches the world that our feelings don't matter, and is deeply hurtful.
If the media is going to portray us, treat us with respect. Show our struggles. Show our strengths. Show our masking. Show the rejection and mockery that we face every day. Sure, our foibles can be amusing no doubt, but that's not who we are. We are so much more than that. We don't exist to be your laughingstock.
Special Interests and Passion
Autistic people almost always have some kind of intense interest on a particular, sometimes obscure subject. No one really knows why this is, it just is. We find escape, safety, and security in our special interests. Sometimes we have a group of special interests that rotate. For me, my main special interests are animals, art, and fandoms. The ones that rotate are fandoms. I have fandoms that I'm always interested in, and I'm always finding more, and the fandom community as a whole excites me, but which fandom I'm especially into at any given time changes.
Autistic special interests are different from neurotypical special interests. When I was a little girl, horses were my special interest. I still love horses, but it's widened into a passion for all animals as I've matured. But when I was little, everything I owned was horse-related. If I had a blanket on my bed, it had horses on it. If I had a notebook for school, it had horse stickers on it. The only place I wanted to be was at the barn hanging around horses. You get the idea. I assumed other kids were as excited about their interests as I was. I would try to reach out to them on their terms. I knew they weren't into horses like I was, but I thought they had to be into something, so when they expressed interest in something, such as dogs, for example, I would give them toy dogs, dog coloring books, dog t-shirts, etc. It didn't occur to me that while they liked dogs, they weren't into dogs in the same way that I was into horses. It wasn't until my early teens that I realized the rest of the world is rather apathetic about the things they like.
We don't just enjoy our special interests, we want to learn about them. We study them, and can become experts in that field. For example, I can tell you all about the history of the Elves in Tolkien's Middle Earth, or what all the different colors of lightsabers mean in Star Wars, or what the strengths and weaknesses are of the different aliens in Star Trek, or about minute differences in dogs food brands, how to keep an aquarium properly, the best way to feed a hamster, how the government's management of wild horses is no good, the different ways oil paints interact with linseed oil vs galkyd, etc., but honestly, most people don't want to talk about that kind of stuff. Neurotypicals often say that autistic people have narrow interests, but most of us really don't, we just have interests that differ from yours.
When a neurotypical spends a lot of time to learn about a subject, they're called "educated." When an autistic person spends a lot of time to learn about a subject, we're called "obsessed." It's normal to jabber all day long about sports and wear sports team logos on your clothes and put sports stickers on your car, but it's obsessive to talk about your favorite TV show, book series, etc. to people who aren't interested in it. You assault us with your sports day in and day out, but you won't pause to listen to what we love about our favorite stories. In fact, most self-aware autistic people will confess to thinking hard about how much they've talked about their special interest each day. How many sentences have we spoken about it? Did we talk about it yesterday? Can we talk about it today? We should be allowed to talk about what makes us happy as freely as you talk about sports.
But what makes special interests powerful isn't just that we find them fun, but that we care deeply about them. This comes out in social movements. Greta Thunburg, for example, is very interested in the environment and mankind's future. She's put a lot of study and effort into her special interest. A lot of scientists and artists are autistic because it takes a lot of dedication to become skilled in those areas. You can't coast when you're a professional artist or a scientist. You have to love it.
Neurotypical people have opinions, but autistic people research their opinions intensely and live by them. We have a strong sense of justice and we cannot stand by to see injustice rule. When we discover that we care about something, we CARE about it, and we will find out everything there is to know about it, and probably bring it up with you the next time we see you. There's nothing worse than for us to try to make small-talk in a room filled with neurotypicals discussing poorly-researched facts.
"Life with Autism - part 2":
Life with Autism - Pt. 2Continued from "Life with Autism - Pt. 1" :
Sensory Sensitivities
Almost all autistic people have some sort of sensory sensitivity disorder. We aren't able to shut off our brains to outside stimuli like neurotypicals do automatically. We have to be consciously aware of every little noise around us at all times. We're hyper-aware of the way the lights flicker in buildings, the way the air touches our hair, the way our clothes feel against our skin, the feel of our hair against our neck, the tags in our clothes, the tightness of our shoes, the noise you make as you breathe next to us, the cars passing by outside, the birds singing, the music in nearby shops and cars, dogs barking, babies crying, people talking, bugs flying, the sun in our eyes, local construction sounds, nearby TVs, etc., all at the same time. We can't tune out any of it. What sounds like a simple blender or coffee grinder to you is torture to us.
The only w
Covers everyday situations such as employment, romance, and emotional baggage.
Literature
Who am I? Asperger Insight
Who am I?
Well, isn’t that a question and a half? I can say what I am, that’s easy. I am human, I am female, I am fifteen years, one hundred and ninety three days old (as of March 30th 2006) and I’m a little over five foot two inches tall. But who I am is still a mystery. I have no idea who I am, and the more questions I ask, the more the answers seem to elude me, I just seem to be faced with more and more questions. In all reality it’s a vicious spiral, dragging me down deeper into the midst of an identity… well… it’s not an identity crisis, more of an identity search. I’d love to know who I am, but t
Literature
What is Autism?
"Ella no puede hablar," says the cafeteria worker. She can't talk. This is false, but the young woman has learned to point to what she wants, instead of repeating herself over and over, uselessly ejecting quiet words again and again from her sparrowlike body. Her food is always the same: pink yogurt. Fruit crepe, strawberries, banana. A muffin, if she's hungry after that.She sits down and rocks stiffly, her back hitting the soft padded booth behind her. Wham. Wham. Wham. She sits in the same enclosed corner every time; the same seat, if possible. She wears thick headphones with the song of the day on repeat. Wham. Wham. Wham.She has heard sni
Literature
Persons and Opinions
“Persons and Opinions”
True or false.
“Everybody is a critic and people always have opinions.”
Is this statement correct?
Well, let’s see…
Everybody is a critic.
People always have opinions.
Both of these sentences make up 2 claims.
The 1st claim is,
“Everybody is a critic.”
The 2nd claim is,
“People always have opinions.”
Are these claims correct?
Well, we should look at a book from a famous critic to find out.
I know a book with the name The Round Table, for the year 1817.
The Round Table was a book with professional, literary criticism.
Let us turn the page and find an essay with the name,
“On Common-Place Critics”
The essay is called “On Common-Place Critics”.
The essay was written by a famous critic named William Hazlitt.
He was writing an essay about most people and most critics.
“Commonplace” is really a word that means “most if not everybody”.
He was talking about most people.
He was talking about most critics.
So, who are most critics?
Who are most
Featured in Groups
My experience as an autistic adult.
The people who are most able to give information and perspective on autism are autistic people ourselves. No, not doctors, and most certainly not parents of autistic children. Will you take the time to listen to us?
The people who are most able to give information and perspective on autism are autistic people ourselves. No, not doctors, and most certainly not parents of autistic children. Will you take the time to listen to us?
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I usually don't speak a lot on this, but I was diagnosed when i was a young age. I didn't know I had high functioning autism till I was in the eighth grade, when I found out on a paper of my mental conditions. I suffer from PDD NOS, which explained a lot about my early childhood. I was angered when my parents revealed that they knew that I had this condition yet didn't tell me.
I forgave them as they didn't want me to feel if I wasn't normal. I did develop an unhealthy diet, which I have thankfully broken. I still do crave some unhealthy things from time to time, but I use my cheat day for this. When I did research it explained my interest with horror, history, and other things. I still get anxious and depressed as I quit taking a medication that controlled my emotions.
I stoopped taking it because I struggled in the social phase, it helped me be more social but I feel more anxious then usual but I've learned ways to cope with it and work around it. I'm thinking of getting back on it just to see what the difference was for when I was on it, as I do not really remember what it was like being on it.
Being Autistic I feel like I look at the world with logic, but I still have emotions that you could say hold me back from my logic. I'm more at peace with myself and feel renewed as i do not use my autism as a reason that I cannot succeed in life.