All those lovely, nubile people
HERETICSWaifu(s):

,

Partners in crime/Eldritch Demoman:

,

The on-and-off rival:

Good twin:

Less-evil twin:

My Widdle Baby Sister Woona:

Faithful Servant/Throw rug:

Hoof slave:

Meat shield:

Selfish grumpypants who doesn't share her candy:

Creepy monkey-lover:

Equestria's #1 Most Wanted

(If found, bring him to my bedchambers immediately, preferably sedated and with all pies confiscated)
Reward: 400,000,000,000,000 bits, half the castle, access to everymare in the kingdom
Equestria's
OTHER #1 Most
Wanted generally cool guy who ISN'T secretly controlling your beloved queen.

(Wanted for
high-treason, mind control of Her Highness, and failure to meet rape-quota while controlling your queen the giving of money and high-fives to him in ridiculous amounts.
Reward: 200,000,000 bits, front row seats to his public
neutering coronation.
Equestria's OTHER OTHER #1 Most Wanted DO NOT APPROACH - SUBJECT IS FAR TOO DANGEROUS:

Wanted for breaking and entering, rampant cruelty and abuse to Her Majesty, wantonly devouring Her Majesty's cake, staging a coup, and probably a lot of other bad things.
Also, she cheated at playing dress-up with me. That's unforgivable.
Reward:
900,000,000 Bits, unlimited access to the Royal Cake Depot, The thought that you have rid Equestria of a great and terrible evil. No reward is worth going after this thing. Just run. Run and never look back.
Next Victim:
