Hey guys. How you all doing?
I have something that I need to talk about and to get out there. People who have heard this from me before are probably growing tired of me complaining about it but I need a way to vent about it and get it out of my head so I can focus on the more important stuff.
I'm not in a very good mental position at the moment and I can't hide it. The mask that I wear is starting to shatter and my façade of sorts is wearing thin which is causing my world, my emotions, my happiness, to crumble and spiral into a dark empty nothingness as if a tornado had sucked them up and sent them to another world where I won't be able to find them. It's like my mind is shutting down and completely giving up on everything. I don't have the energy to do stuff that I used to love to do. I have to force myself to leave my room and to leave the house. I'm not able to eat properly, think properly, do anything properly.
My positive thoughts are vanishing as quickly as they come and sometimes they don't arrive at all. There are times when I feel like not doing anything but then again, I guess we all have those times so that's nothing new. Sometimes my mind is quiet and peaceful but then come along the thoughts of how ashamed people are of me. How I have disappointed so many people who had trust in me. How worthless I am. How every moment I'm here is causing myself to suffer because of who I am.
There are times where one day I don't need to wear a mask. Where I don't need to have a facade but then the next day I can't do anything. I don't even have the energy to put on a mask. These days are arriving so much more often than not.
Before anyone says "Try seeking help" or things along those lines, I have tried. I have tried to get help but my mind rejects it all. I have completely lost hope that I'll get better.
If this is the last thing I ever type, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being a miserable fucking mess.
I'm sorry for being a disappointment.
I'm sorry for letting you down.
I'm sorry for even existing in the first place.
I will end this here. If I keep going it will probably turn into a whole book.
If I don't do anything stupid, I'll talk soon.
If you don't hear from me again, goodbye.