mjnarcy

Some people have gotten tired of the jokes about Uranus being pronounced "your anus," so they have created a new pronunciation of "urine us." I see a problem with this. If you milk a cow, you extract milk from a cow. If you water a horse, you feed water to a horse. What happens if you urine us? While you think about that, I'll be looking at Uranus.

I went to the grocery store the other day. The cashier was extremely slow, bagged everything badly, and was being a real asshole. I'm never using self-checkout again.

Dear Stargazers, Inc., I heard that we were going to observe a new moon tonight. I was so excited that I was going to see a new moon tonight. I stayed up all night waiting for this new moon to show up. Imagine my disappointment when the only thing that came up was the Sun. I demand why you lied to us about getting a new moon. I blame you for wasting a good night's sleep for your pack of lies. Sincerely, Selene Pouthena

Dear DMV, I was driving down the highway when I saw it. I noticed that a car was driving with a standard issue license plate that started with the letters, "KAA.". When I called you, you said that those were just random letters. I know what you're up to. You're signaling your support to your Lord and Master, Kaa the Soulless, loyal and faithful servant to the Adversary himself. He is the puppet master that has been pulling the strings of our government. I will expose your connection. Your day of reckoning is coming. Sincerely, Pare A. Noid

Sampson, Destroyer of Rats, AKA Fluffy Age: 2 Weight: 15 lbs./7 kg Sampson is a tuxedo cat that was caught smuggling drugs, weapons, and cell phones into a prison. He was transported to a local animal shelter and adopted by a loving family. "The Stoner" Age: unknown Height: 6'0"/182 cm Weight: 260lbs./117 kg The Stoner is a man that seems to forget his name when he consumes marijuana. Rose Age: 22 Height: 5'4"/163 cm Weight: 110 lbs./52 kg Rose is a salesclerk at a local store and runs a gym that offers martial arts training with her wife Kaori. Rose is a beautiful redhead and is the exercise expert for Miss Dragon's Killer Workouts. Kaori Age: 23 Height: 4'9"/145 cm Weight: 90lbs./41 kg Kaori is a salesclerk at Play Until It Hurts Sports and runs a gym that offers martial arts training with her wife Rose. Kaori is a small Japanese woman who is the sensei of her dojo.

Dear Mr. Outta-Here, We have marketed your last record the best way we can. Unfortunately, the public does not seem to be interested in buying an album by the Armageddon Nightmare Band. There's nothing we can do about it. If you try to record with someone else before releasing your third record, we will sue you for breach of contract. You obviously know what being sued means. Sincerely, Carl Vallenham CEO, Lunatic Records