Promised land

[Warning: The description talks about suicide]

" I had been suffering for long, I had been cursing you for leaving me alone.
However, I had been wanting to see you again to forgive you and tell how much I loved you.
Let's forgive each other and become the soulmates again. We don't need to release our hands anymore. "

Traditional drawing of my OC Sandra.
It's herself and her old boyfriend who had died by suicide. And it's her dream view where she and he meet each other again at the heaven.
Sandra believes that people can go to there even dying by suicide, that her God understands such sufferers and takes care of them. So she dreams of the day to meet him again at the heaven when her own life ends.


Now Sandra's situation is something I can't ignore, as now I'm at the same place with her. That means.. I also lost my important person by suicide in this year.
I'm too late to save him, but at least I can share my experiences and lessons to people who see it, so that it may help someone who are also in danger.

I feel that suicide is too rash decision.
My important person had been pessimistic about his future and chose this decision. But he was too young and hadn't known a lot about the world yet.
I confess that I also had my hard time of life when I was mentally broken and harmed myself. I believed that my future won't be any good nor worthy of continuing. However, as long as I continue my life, I learn the new things and they update my mind.
In the case you are young, you haven't known much about this world yet. No matter how bad you expect your future will be, it doesn't always be true. You have the potential to change your mind. So no need to make the rash decision.
If once you lose your life, it can't undo again. NEVER. You will lose all potential goodness in your future.

However, as many suicides are done because of illness, I can't blame people who committed it.
After my important person had died, I found his diary and noticed that he clearly had the symptoms of depression. (Unable to feel any taste of foods, Losing interest in everything, etc) Desire of killing oneself is one of the symptoms of depression too. It dominates your brain and leads you to the death.
When you are caught by the illness like this, it will be hard to defeat only by your emotions. Depression is the illness of brain, so sadly any common communications can't solve it easily.
Please contact the professional help (like hospitals) when you want to survive it.

Although I can say that communication is also important for your mental health.
It was also the reason of my recovery from the hard time. When I had been living alone, loneliness poisoned me more and more unhealthy. How I started living with my family again had saved my life.
My important person was too bad at talking with people. He was quiet and didn't tell his personal things to people, even to his family. I guess he had been thinking many things only in his head, and reached the extreme decision as suicide. As self-thinking tends to lose the composed view.
Interacting with different people can cause the new and different view to your mind. I experienced many times that I figured out that my worry wasn't a big problem, by listening other people's opinions.
Humans are the social animal. We can't live alone. Having the positive interactions is very important than you thought.

Another big reason why you shouldn't commit suicide is because it hurts people around you deeply...
Suicide will leave the deep injury in the minds of people who loved you. This type of death is too shocking to them.
The left people will continue questioning "Why?" to your decision, they also will continue blaming themselves as "I could do things better for him/her". The grief and regret may continue for long.. even their whole life.
Suicide also may work as flu. When people interacts with suicide in some ways, it's supposed that the possibility they also commit suicide will increase.
When you have people who love you, don't think your life only as your own belonging. You share your life with people who love you. When you die, those people also will suffer like you. You're worthy of existing when having people who want you to live.

I don't know when my mind gets healed from this loss. Even I don't show it here, I often remember, regret and cry for this accident.
However I can say that sharing the pain with other people helps me a lot. His death is shared with some people around him, including me. So we can understand and support each other for living our own lives even with this sadness.
In the case there are someone who also lost your important one, I wish the sharing and time may help you.
As sadly suicides are happening many, there are many people who lost their important persons by it. And there are many services for supporting and healing the left people, like the meeting of bereaved people. You are not alone. People who have the similar sadness are also living, and sharing your pain with them may lighten your mind a little.
Also there is the word "Time Medicine". Even if you are saddened greatly now, the flowing of time may bring you to the different state. Even if your sadness may not disappear forever, the shape of sadness may change in time. It's the cruel fate that you must continue your life even after losing your important person, but your body has the power to live. Let your breath keep you alive, and wait the things to turn brighter.

At last, may all souls rest in peace. May we will meet each other again at the same place in the end.
Take care of yourself!



More drawings of her:
         


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