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  • Listening to: SID's 10th anniversary album
  • Reading: Picture of Dorian Grey
  • Watching: FMAB
  • Playing: Fire Emblem Awakening
  • Eating: Pizza
  • Drinking: Water
Well, all I can say is just when I thought I couldn't hit an all time low. I did. There's been too many things going on in my life. Nothing hurts more than your parents denying your entire existence and your capabilities. I was forbidden from pursuing what I like to do and was asked to do something I hate immensely and finally I did it and proved that I SUCK and that I'm not the daughter that I'm cropped up to be. And so the whole mutilation and whirlwind of humiliation commences what with Asian parents being so old fashion and all. 

Also I was told that IF I don't pass again this year, I am officially going back to Malaysia after wasting my youth here for 4 years. Thanks, thanks a lot. If I was studying what I am passionate for this won't be happening. Anyways, if I do fail, I have made up my mind to tough it out and suffer the humiliation that they are going to dish out on me and earn enough dough so that I can learn Japanese and move to Japan since I will no longer be tied down to anything except ties that are basically non-existent to begin with.

I have always felt that happiness is just something fleeting anyway. But the difference now is that my happiness is not in anyone else's hands but mine. I am taking control and at this point I really don't care who I hurt. I've been hurt all this time and I've been nothing but accommodating, but when things don't go your way, I'M THE VILLAIN? The ungrateful, relentless, heartless, useless bitch? Okay I'll take it. Fine. Since you're going to throw money smack on my face, saying that it's what you've contributed. What is this? A fucking transaction? A business deal? What am I some meat that you can buy?

Ungrateful? Definitely yes. Heartless? Maybe. 

I am sick and tired of people telling me that I can not do something because I am not good enough. Just as you told me to try architecture to see whether I am good or not, why am I not allowed to try out what I like to see whether I suck or not?

Waste of time? Most definitely. But It's my life and my youth on the line. Money is just paper you can't bring away when you're stone cold dead.

Rant end.
  • Listening to: Sway
  • Reading: Lecture notes
  • Watching: Kannagi Crazy Shrine Maiden
  • Playing: Alice: Madness Returns
  • Eating: Chocolate Brownies
  • Drinking: Water
wasn't in the mood for anything today. Went to class, interacted, feel dead, went to a dinner party where I think I have been absolutely obnoxious, went home, tidy up, play some games, dumped loads of poo on DA and now I'm writing this journal.

I am grateful though, it's just that I need to have a lot of things sorted, especially my feelings about various aspects in my life. I am having mixed emotions about architecture at the moment. I don't know if I have the strength to follow through and cross that finish line. I am glad that I have people to confide in, but I'm just not really that sort of person. I can't really expose much of myself... sigh.

So for the time being, I seek comfort and refuge in eating, drawing and sleeping a lot. Again, not good for my course. But anyways, I'll just leave it at that at the moment. I hope things will look up soon. Since it is already 5AM, I am going to sleep now. Have a long day ahead.
  • Listening to: -
  • Reading: -
  • Watching: -
  • Playing: Knights in the Nightmare
  • Eating: Curry Puffs
  • Drinking: Water
I feel lame...

Gonna draw more, didn't accomplish as much as I've wanted to....
  • Listening to: Hey Jude
  • Reading: Construction Illustrated
  • Watching: -
  • Playing: Disgaea
  • Eating: Pineapple Bun
  • Drinking: Java Tea
Some times I don't know how to handle people at all. Too much madness, stress and all the horrible feelings jumble up in one. I don't expect my problems to be solved, I just want to be left alone when I want it. Is that too much to ask? Can't we just end an argument by walking away? My walking away is not a sign of disrespect, on the contrary, it's because I respect you which is why I'm walking away. I KNOW, if it continues I will start using crude words, raise my voice and eventually resolve to violence. All I wanted was a peaceful summer, forget about fun because my time's already dedicated to improving myself.

Ugh.

Will probably have a lot of emo drawing coming up. Sorry for the rant. *facepalm* I don't know how else can I reduce these negative feelings. *bows*
  • Listening to: tongue tied
  • Reading: the lake of dreams
  • Watching: durarara
  • Playing: TWEWY
  • Eating: Choco <3
  • Drinking: Hot Choco <3
I can not believe that first year of architecture is over, had lots of time to chill, watch anime, read manga and catch up on some gamessssssssssssssssssss. TWEWY is really good, can't believe that I've put it off for so long! Still not finished with it though. GAH. It feels like I've got all the time in the world but then it hit me that I'm going back to Malaysia on the 10th of June! So now I'm packing my boxes of stuff, and my room is in a state of apocalyptic mess. Yay, mess FTW, not. And I'll have to put off my drawing and submitting art for later...

Had my interview yesterday, didn't go too well, or maybe it's just me. The tutors were very enthusiastic... they were harping on and on about how I have the higher ground in the course but didn't put my talent into good use. It's true, I don't really know how to employ them... the bottom line was that I need to have infectious enthusiasm, confidence and do a hell lot more work and focus on the exciting bits of my stuff. Telling me this at the end of the year? Gee thanks. OFFICIALLY, Architecture year 1 = quicksand; don't know where you're standing until you're sinking, the more you struggle the more you sink, lest someone comes and lend you a hand (like the lovely *ShadowAeroku  whom stayed up helping me until morning in my final final moments TT_________TT much much appreciated you duck. ) Anyway, I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND. I will work so hard next year that I'll cry blood (let's admit it, we all bawled a lot due to stress... I know I do. ) I'm sure I'll do better next year, I'm going back for work placement and learning some computer programmes (photoshop, illustrator, vectorworks, spruce up on AutoCAD, and maybe get to know 3Dmax. Will make it a goal to faff around with sketchup, hah.)

But before all that, gonna swim in the sea, scuba diving, jet skiing, para-skiing, sun bath, eat loads of seafood, eat mom's cooking and really good food in general (hope i don't get fat), meet friends~~~ Oh so much to do and so little time.

I am really thankful for this year, it snapped me out of my narcissistic daydream world, where I've always thought that I'm a big fish. I came to realize that I'm just a big fish in a little pond, that I am still incompetent, there is much to learn and that there will always be people better than me even if they do not work any harder than you (natural talent I guess...). And I am so very thankful for making the friends that I did in the year, for without them I would have ended up terminally depressed, especially you *ShadowAeroku! You've been my rock. =D <3

Hmmm, I guess that's it for now, nothing else to rant. =w= Oh enjoy your summer >3< mwah.
Just joined DA because a very good friend recommended it, so I did! haha.

I don't really know what to do, so... I uploaded some of my old work. There's suppose to be more but I can't find pictures of them or scan them because they are currently in Malaysia while I'm here in the UK. Sobx.

Oh well, will just have to draw more then, problem solved. >w<

I'll just keep my entries short and sweet. <3