First, thanks for taking the time to critique this!
Second, it definitely needs more space to the right, I intend to make the painting with the figures offset to the left, so there will be tone of room for the hand and then some.
Third, I was actually considering making the bodies slightly transparent. The idea is that it's one body reacting to stimuli in different ways. I want it to appear as though the bodies are connected and not bunched together. I have a couple of other drawings and paintings with similar stuff going on in them. I think if I do the transparency thing, I'm just going to make it so that the armsof the center figure are transparent.
This is not the style I typically work in or a technique I'm that experienced with so keep that in mind with my critique. This seems a bit of a departure from your normal style, especially considering that it's about a dream. I look at a lot of your work (paintings) and see it as a dreamscape.
I'm a bit more drawn to the bottom half of the image. I like that the white swirly lines incorporate a bit of "you" into the image. I also like the glittery stardust in her hair effect you've got going on down there. The repitition draws the image together nicely.
The top half is a little more unfinished looking to me. The two planets on the right don't blend in as well as they could. I haven't been reading your story and so I'm not sure if they're essential but if they're not, I might suggest you repeat the swirly lines up there.