Your writing is so smooth, a combo in feel of a touch of noir and a more poetic sense, lyrical. This feels like a chapter in a novel, though, rather than a short story, as it feels as if there is an unfinished quality, as if it is supposed to go on. I think what it's missing is dialogue. A bit less internal monologue and more of the spoken would strengthen it, I believe. If it's to stand alone, then something else needs to factor in. As a chapter though, I like it. I truly admire how well you fashion the voice here. Lovely.