Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Bob gave a non-committal grunt in reply.
“Yes?”
“Just get me a drink.” Bob snarled in annoyance.
“…We shall see what we can do.” The robot said, and puttered off, tense, fearing the astronomically life altering results of failing to live up to their valued customer’s high and sophisticated standards again. Bob resumed picking his nose before she was out of view.
Bob reclined back and looked up at the vast and deep horizon of space around him. He saw the depths and rolling galaxies in the far distance, he saw nearby planetoids swirling in a cosmic ballet of wonder, he saw countless stars twinkling as pinpoints in the endless infinity of the sky. He saw another star ship flying towards them as it screeched to a sudden halt from hyper drive, it trailing cosmic dust and light as it warped back into existence.
He couldn’t help but notice how absolutely boring this all was. He sincerely hoped the android returned with his drink soon. As he wondered what kind of drink it would be, and then he heard a distant rumble as the entire ship shook violently for a few moments. Bob heard a massive explosion somewhere along the ship, as well as the general clatter and murmur of people all around him as they staggered back to their feet.
“Must be some drink.” Bob surmised having noticed how desperate the robo waitress had been in appeasing him.
So, he settled into his pool again, and sat, and fretted, and fidgeted, and waited. He continued to wait, and wait, and fret for several strenuous seconds before deciding that the robot android waitress had taken entirely too long to arrive with his fresh beverage, and was obviously being negligent with the serious matter of keeping him refreshed. This was an intolerable trespass.
Again, he retrieved the remote from his pool of slop, and pressed it firmly. He then dropped the remote; it plopped back into the slime and slowly made its descent through the mire once more. Bob brought his arms behind his head and sighed contentedly. After a few minutes of being blissfully content, he decided that he’d been forced to be content for entirely too long. Furious over his lack of new drink, he fished the remote out again furiously, and jabbed at the button with indignant rage.
Nothing happened. The waitress was taking forever to respond. He resumed slamming his palm into the button relentlessly.
At last, the android appeared again, it whirred and dashed through the crowd of life forms and appeared before Bob.
“Sir, sir, sir” It said frantically in a chipper monotone.
“Have you got my drink yet?” Bob frowned, seeing none.
“Valued customer Bob, please, we request that you do not leave your seat until further notice, we are experiencing some minor technical difficulties—“ The android was interrupted by a massive explosion coming from somewhere else aboard the vessel. “Nothing you should be concerned about. But please remain seated until further notice.”
“But did you get my drink?”
The robot seemed to compute this quietly for a moment. “We are sorry, valued customer Bob, but we have not yet finished retrieving the drink. We apologize for this inconvenience and solemnly request that you forgive us wretched and inconceivably awful creatures for our woeful crime against—“
“Yeah, I don’t care. Just get my drink.”
The android bowed slightly, or at least teetered on its base, and rolled off to fulfill this request. And after a few more insufferable minutes of drinkless hell, Bob returned to jabbing the remote control with reckless abandon.
It took twice as long to summon the android this time. It returned, smoldering slightly, missing an arm, and worst of all, still without a visible beverage for Bob.
“There is no need to panic!” The robot explained gleefully. “There is no reason to panic! Don’t panic!” It went on, panicking.
“Look, what’s taking so long? I’m really thirsty. It’s been all of ten minutes since I had something to drink.” Bob scrunched up his snout and was prepared to look dissatisfied with his treatment.
“Nothing is wrong. We apologize for the inconvenience. The ship is not under attack. Please remain calm. Please remain in your seats. The robot security force will be dispatched soon to take care of the threat that does not exist. Please remain calm.”
“Yeah. Whatever.” Bob said. On all sides of the deck there was a collective mechanical whir as panels opened. Platforms with lanky and frail looking black robots raised from the hidden platform with a cloud of steam, and at once the machines roared to life brandishing laser rifles.
“When am I going to get my drink?” Bob demanded to know while security androids marched towards the rear end of the ship.
The robot paused, as it computed this query.
“That is a difficult question.” It replied with gusto.
Bob flicked the slime in his pool between his forefingers irritably. “Why?”
“For reasons beyond our control, we cannot access the drink bar at this moment.” The robot explained.
“Why, what’s wrong?” Bob leaned in, concerned over his possibly bleak future of beverage ingesting.
“The hull of the ship has been compromised; the hallway that previously led to the machine that makes the drinks is now a gaping hole sucking everything into the depths of space. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
“Wait, the hull has been breached? Isn’t that bad?” Bob said with mild concern, but not nearly as much as his previous question.
“It is no reason. There is no problem. Everything is under control. Please remain in your seats, please remain calm. There is no breach in the hull. We are not under attack. Please remain calm, and in your seats, and calmly remain in your seats with calm.” The android trembles slightly and shorted with electricity.
“But you just said…”
“THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE SHIP!” The android screamed at the top of its digital lungs with possibly the most elated and happy inflection it was capable of.
“We will be showing today’s in flight movie early now. Please direct your attention to the nearest wall monitor to enjoy it.” The android explained. A giant movie screen began to rise from the floor slowly, apparently because there were no wall monitors on the deck of the ship. The very last of the androids marched out of view and into the other end of the ship with a metallic clatter of feet. “Please remain calm and in your seats. We will be showing the epic tragic romance drama of The Stars Between us, starring the voluptuous miss Nquxszhtghd Gnsswrtgzz, and the dashing Carl Smith as they share a whirl wind intergalactic romance that was not meant to be. Please remain calm and in your seats while sitting in your seats and being calm. There is nothing wrong.”
Bob quieted down after this; he had yet to see this film and had heard that it had gotten astoundingly average reviews from most critics. He was not about to let anything peel him away from this sort of entertainment.
With another farewell mutter of “Please remain calm and seated in the seats where you are calm.” The android rolled away spewing a trail of black smoke in its wake. Bob watched as the screen continued to erect, and once it had fully managed to lock in place at full height, the film started. Bob was enthralled completely and was confident that this was the best movie ever. The first opening credit ran, and then the screen exploded into a thousand shards as a crab like monster burst through the screen in a charging gallop of skittering legs. With a loud warcry of ‘Eh!’ the monster slammed its jaws into the waitress robot and wrestled it in its jaws, and biting down broke the machine in half.
“Nice special effects.” Bob commented while the security androids fired a hail of laser beams at the monster from all sides.
-
Gunther watched with anxious fascination as Akeil worked diligently on the cappuccino machine. He frittered about uselessly wringing his hands and growing new wrinkles while his beloved went through the gut wrenching tinkering of a mechanic. He wanted to help; he wanted to do something to speed this up, and to ease the torment of his cappuccino machine. There was nothing he could do, so he did the next best thing, which was to lean in over Akeil’s shoulder and breathe loud, exasperated puffs of putrid scented breath right next to her ear.
Akeil winced while her soldering iron hovered over the machine’s delicate and complex super intelligent coffee brewing AI motherboard. “Captain, please forgive me, but you’re making my work uncomfortable.”
“Oh. Okay.” Gunther said forgiving her completely for finding his behavior intrusive, and continued making her uncomfortable. He did, however, begin to idly pick his nose. So there was progress.
Akeil felt her skin clam up and begin to shift in color to chartreuse, which was a natural defense mechanism of her species when faced with life threatening situations. It didn’t exactly do anything to protect her species from predators, but like most presumably evolutionary improvements, it served to embarrass you in front of your friends when someone sneaks up and goes ‘boo.’ She tried her best to repress a shudder while enduring her captain’s breath.
“Captain, I would like to request that you move away so that I can concentrate on my work.” She said, without looking up.
“No, that’s okay, I think,” Started the captain; heavily involved with retrieving a whopper of a booger from his left nostril. “I’ll watch.”
“SIR,” Akeil said with such intense respect in her voice that you could easily assume she was moments away from homicide, “I must insist that you do something else while I fix your coffee machine.”
“It’s a cappuccino machine.” Gunther corrected in an admonishing tone, unleashing another blast of hot breath. Akeil felt beads of sweat roll down her face while she tried her best not to tremble while she holding various power-tools.
“Oh, yes, of course, cappuccino machine, how silly of me.” She assured as best she could while her eyes watered, “But I would fix the CAPPUCCINO machine much faster if you moved away while I work.”
Gunther considered this for a moment. Having to wait even a second longer for a cappuccino than necessary was not a fate he was emotionally prepared to fathom. However, looking around his tidy and proper office, with all of the fun sucked right out of it by his corporate employers, he could not fathom what else to do.
“But I’m borreeeeeddd.” He whined, stamping his foot. “What am I supposed to do?”
Akeil flinched, she was growing increasingly irritated and feeling constantly reminded of why she did not aspire to have children. “I don’t care. Watch your fish or something. I’ll be done in a little bit.”
Gunther harumphed, and stumbled over to his desk, and sat down dejectedly. He pouted and glared into his fish bowl, infuriated at the indignity of the universe at large that this was the only thing available to engage his mind. The fish weren’t particularly offended by the mean look.
-
Robo maid #44-11LT66 rolled the service cart out from one of the ship’s many cabin rooms, having just finished cleaning it. It pulled the cart out into the hallway, which gleamed spotlessly with red velvet carpet and marble walls with gold trim. Robo maid #44-11LT66 closed the door happily and set off down the hall towing the cart to the next filth encrusted room. Had the androids the ability to utilize the emotion of wonder, they would be astounded at how a single tourist could render their cabin a trashed disheveled dump within minutes of it being cleaned; even if they were on the other side of the ship.
With a mighty roar, a gargantuan black crab-like monstrosity charged head long into the corridor in full gallop; a helpless cruise passenger ran screaming before it, flailing his arms as he desperately fled for his life.
“No running in the corridor!” The robo maid scolded disapprovingly.
The crab beast slowed to a trot, and the fleeing tourist to a saunter. They continued their exciting and dramatic chase quietly. The tourist winced and strode fearfully, knowing that they would have to saunter with all the swiftness they could do politely to escape certain death.
-
The S.S. Esesess was swept with panic and destruction; tourists fled for their lives from the intruding xenomorphs, but not so fast that they might spill their drinks. Several, nay, DOZENS of shuffle board games were monstrously interrupted as the black beasts scuttled along wherever whim took them as they trailed destruction and desolation in their path. The air with thick with the musty tang of laser fire as what attack robots that could manage to interfere did so with gusto. Despite the valiant efforts of the mindless killing machine androids, they did little more with their weapons than pester the immense titans. Debris and dust billowed as war was waged for control of the onboard swimming pool. It was a bleak day for Galactic Cruise Lines.
-
The bridge of the ship was a clatter with screaming, frantic running about, blaring sirens, flashing red lights, and even more screaming. This was for the benefit of anyone who had not gotten the memo stating that the ship was under attack. The communications officer hastily tried his best to contact Captain Gunther to alert him to the situation at once.
“The captain isn’t responding to the distress message! His tracking tag says he is in his office, but he hasn’t answered his intercom yet! He hasn’t even acknowledged the transmission! What are we going to do?!”
The rest of the crew took a short break from panicking to think about this thoughtfully. They considered their captain, and his character, and his ability to lead, command, and handle complex and dangerous situations with maturity and wisdom.
“Why were you trying to contact him again?”
The communications officer put a hand over his head set microphone for a moment. “I… Don’t know.”
The head of navigation stood up out of her seat, “Okay, we can handle this. We’re the only things standing between this ship and total annihilation. There are feral space monsters lurking everyone on board, and there’s a massive gaping hole in the side of the ship that’s sucking everything into the void of space. We just have to pool our efforts and save as many passengers as possible; we can all survive this. We all just have to contribute.”
“AIEEEE!!” Contributed the head engineer.
The others attempted to calm down, although the fact that the sirens were bit distracting. It was also a bit hard to see, seeing as they had turned off the room lights so that the emergency red floodlights would achieve a more dramatic effect.
“How are the evacuations going?” Ventured the communications officer.
“We, er… Haven’t started them yet.”
“What?! What were you all doing while I was trying to alert the captain?!”
“Panicking.”
“AIIEEE!!” The head engineer followed up in rebuttal.
“Oh. Right.” The communications officer tore his headset off his head, and held his tense forehead as he tried to gather his thoughts.
“Maybe we don’t have to evacuate. What if the security robots manage to finish off the intruders?”
“Not likely. The vital signs for a third of the androids aren’t being reported. Even if we do manage to overwhelm the monsters, we’ve still got a massive hole in the ship. We don’t have the material to patch it, and even if we did, we’ll have lost the cabin pressure completely by then. We won’t be able to produce breathable air fast enough to sustain everyone let alone keep them from getting sucked out.”
“Look, we can set all of the androids not capable of fighting the intruders to evacuating any staff and passengers they can find. Assuming the passengers haven’t figured out that they should be escaping, we can save most of them.”
The others nodded, and after a few keyboard strokes the head of security looked up. “Done; the attack androids will try to cover refugees. But just in case, you better put a message out over the P.A., chief.”
“AIIEEE!!”
The communications officer nodded, and after replacing his headset he pressed a few buttons, and spoke.
“Okay people,” His voice rang out throughout the ship, in every room, in every plaza and every workstation, “Anyone who hasn’t figured it out yet, the ship has being rudely violated by an unidentified flying object and there are mammoth sized lobsters trashing everything. I want everyone to head towards to the nearest escape pod. If you don’t know where the nearest pod is, don’t panic. Find the nearest unarmed android and they’ll show you. Once there, DO NOT launch immediately. Wait for as many other potential passengers before evacuating; we don’t have nearly as many escape pods as passengers. If anyone of you chooses to be a selfish bastard and blasts off alone, I will personally hunt you down to your home and kick in your most delicate anatomical orifice. Now, for all of you first class customers who were guaranteed preferable treatment in chance of an emergency I have this to announce: screw you. You can sue Galactic Cruise Lines after this is all over for all I care, but right now your money isn’t worth squat so long as your lives are on the line, and not one of you can gauge the worth of your soul on your bank roll. Now get the hell off this bloody ship this instant in a calm and orderly fashion right now, you idiots!”
The communications officer flipped the P.A. off, and flung his head set to the floor.
“That was beautiful, mate.”
“AIIEEEE!!”
“Heh. Galactic Cruise Lines isn’t going to like half of that when they hear about it. And that’s exactly why I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
“Yeah, whatever. Look, can we just do something about this situation now? You can pat me on the back all you want for giving a swell public announcement after it’s insured we’ll all live through this.”
“Look, maybe we can put out an S.O.S. and see about—“
“Oh my God!” The security officer interrupted as he stared in horror at one of the report monitors, “The monsters have breached the cafeteria and have gotten into our supply of gummy bears! We’re screwed!”
“AIIIEEEEEE!!” The head engineer shrieked in terror with the others joining in this time. They resumed panicking.
-
The intercom console had flashed desperately with a tiny red light, it alerted the fact that there were messages being sent to this room. Messages that it was not relaying because the console was muted. Gunther sat at his desk, oblivious to the flashing blip. He rested his head in his hands as he quietly watched the soothing flitting of fishes in their bowl.
“Done yet?” Gunther asked as the fishes bobbed silently in their little self-contained world.
“I said NOT YET!” Akeil fumed.
Gunther remained satisfied with this response for all of five seconds.
“Done yet?” he asked as he watched the fishes with increasing fascination.
Akeil looked up for her work in rapidly mounting rage, “I just told you! NO!”
Gunther felt his aggravation melt away as he stared into the fish bowl. He despised the fish, and yet he could not resent them; their placid antics filled his feeble heart with joy. It almost made the horrible tyranical oppression of wearing pants and a uniform tolerable. He ran a finger along the glass aloofly.
The little red light on the intercom console ceased flashing.
“Done yet?”
Akeil slapped her forehead; her left eye twitched rapidly, and she was considering the finer points of homicide.
“Look, if you have to talk to me while I work, could you PLEASE say something else?”
“Okay.” Gunther said, sitting up. “Are you finished now?”
“Arrrrggh!” Akeil stomped away from the Koffee Kaiser unit, her sanity waning. She pulled herself into a corner with a mighty thud, and wrenched an emergency candy bar from her tool bar.
It will be all right. Do not scream. It will be all right. There is chocolate. Everything will be all right while there is chocolate. Remain sane. There is chocolate, and you must remain sane.
“Heyyy. Why’d you stop working?” Gunther pried from over his desk.
Akeil chomped into half the bar at once.
“I—Mm. I’m tagking a bweak you doof!” She mumbled between chews. She gave a relieved shudder for the taste.
Gunther pouted relentlessly; he stooped his brow, narrowed his eyes, and flared his nostrils mightily. “I order you to get back to work this instance! There are lives at stake here!” He whipped a finger at the Kappuccino Kaiser; “We cannot afford a moment’s dawdling!”
Akeil wiped her mouth clean with the sleeve of her jump suit sinisterly. “I’m union, bub. Deal with it. We’re allowed breaks. We’re allowed one privilege break a day.” She said with bitter satisfaction.
Gunther bounced back with fright; it had slipped his mind that the engineering staff were union. He gritted his teeth. That was one hornet’s nest he dare not stir up, lest he be set upon by hundreds of vicious pasty skinned ship mechanics at once. They could rend him asunder like a pack of feral weasels, in but a brief minute they could disassemble his body like an old carburetor with their assorted tools. He suppressed a cringe.
“You will NOT address your Captain as bub, young female.” Gunther leaned over his desk, his chin hovering over the fish bowl ominously, he muttered in a low, authoritative voice while Akeil took another bite of her candy bar “Union or not, you are bound by honor and contract to respect your me.” He glowered You will address me of nothing less than the formal term, ‘Bubba’. And you will follow with a respectful and fearful SIR. I am a very powerful man aboard this vessel. I’m the captain, and that makes me, like, almost the most powerful person. It is best you not anger me, things could happen: bad things. I could get mad, and shout at you. That might hurt your ears. DO YOU WANT THAT?!”
“With all the respect, ceremony and honor due to you Captain,” Akeil looked up somberly from her chocolate, “Cram it.”
Gunther jutted his chin out mightily, like a mad bull he snorted, he stomped his foot as if preparing for a charge and announced with the most severity possible, “Okay.” He then quietly sat back down.
-
The PA crackled with its final words, “Now get the hell off this bloody ship this instant in a calm and orderly fashion right now, you idiots!”
Suzy let out a heart-throbbing beastly roar of rage as she slammed a fist into the underbelly of one of the black monstrosities. It rumbled with a low growl, and countered with a forceful smack of its forearms sending Suzy tumbling backward onto her behind. The security robots clicked and whirred to themselves as they locked on target and unleashed a barrage of hellish laser fire at the beast from long range. The lasers dotted the beast’s thick hide like painful pinpricks; it reared back cautiously.
“Knock it off, eh!” It shouted in annoyance before pulling its bulk onto its hind legs and slamming its weight heavily into the ship. The droids trembled and collapsed as the artificial gravity faltered for a moment.
After standing back up, the droids retaliated at once by blasting the monster with a barrage of their arm cannons, dotting the beast in laser fire. The beast flinched under the assailing, and ordered them to stop picking on him. They did not.
Suzy stood back; as the beast could take more no, it burst its arms akimbo and with an otherworldly roar. The monster plowed through the crowd of security androids in a charge sending the robots tumbling to the floor lightly.
“Ha-ha!” It commented, and then rose its heavy clawed arms up to smash the droids. Before it could, Suzy launched herself at the beast and locked her arms around the immense titan’s bulk from behind. She braced herself to restrain the creature as it resisted with all its might; in a frenzied panic the crab tried to shake Suzy off, only to find that she clung too tightly. Slowly, the droids staggered to their feet again and idly resumed their attack on the monster.
“Ow! ACK! No fair!! AARGH!” The beast shrieked in agony and staggered back. The lasers continued to rain upon the fierce crab; desperately it tried to flail itself free of Suzy’s vice like grip to no avail. She braced her legs firmly against the floor and bit into his neck to hold him still.
“AARGH. NO BITING! NO BITING! YOU DON’T PLAY RIGHT!” The monster bellowed and expended its last bit of strength in a mindless squirm to escape. It could not outmatch Suzy’s strength, and instead it slowly began to slump down to the floor as the lasers continually pounded into his fractured exoskeleton.
At last with a whimper of “Ch-cheater,” its eyes grew dim.
Suzy panted feverishly, her heart raced, and she stood up triumphantly over the beast, and between exasperated breaths stated “One down.”
Suzy smiled at the various faceless security androids. All around her they stood chittering and humming electrically, a hundred tiny identical warriors with jet-black frames. They were only three feet tall. Suzy stood among a sea of them as if she were a mountain. The little mechanical death dealers whirred and clicked idly, before deciding to move on. The ship-board computer had reported the next imminent target.
What the little robots lacked in appearance they made up for in reinforced titanium frames and numbers. Their limbs were small and spindly; they had but one hand, and a laser cannon to replace the other on the remaining arm.
Suzy made to follow them. It was odd to her, to stride side by side with soulless machinery into the heart of battle. War could not be made without sacrifice; yet these machines were sent headlong into battle without a care. Shaped like a biped lifeform, they marched to their deaths in battle without fear or reason to live but to fulfill this purpose. She felt a fleeting pang of sympathy for the robot race and how horrible it would be to be so limited. She wished that they could speak so that they could share this fight like brethren.
At least until a maid android stepped in from front of her path.
“Galactic Cruise Lines employee #11-T6511-8956Q,” The android crooned, “Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
Suzy stood aback. “Don’t be stupid, I have to help kill the intruders;” She snarled “I can’t evacuate yet.”
An error occurred in the robot’s protocol and it proceeded to try again.
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
Suzy frowned, “I can’t leave. I have to fight.”
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.” The android repeated.
Suzy was simply a serial number in the registry, and the robot knew nothing but pursue and badger her until the task was accomplished.
Suzy was beginning to feel home sick for her home planet, where technology was primitive and sitting in the mud was a social event. On her planet, things like microwave popcorn and electronic tube socks were considered sorcery invented by witch-demons from beyond the sky. This was a planet where the masses were satisfied to find their entertainment in taking turns punching one another in the face. She looked off wistfully and then back at the robot. It was decided that a demonstration of her native culture was in order.
The robot exploded into a hail of shrapnel when it hit the wall. To think she took a secretary job in order to learn to deal with her anger issues. She shrugged as the rain of debris died down. Live and learn. She resumed following the security droids.
-
“Valued Customer Nrezh, please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
Nrezh looked about the bar leisurely, and at the serving robot that was speaking to him. The room was engulfed in flames while wreckage and burning debris lined the floors and tables of the drink lounge. He gingerly took a swig of his tropical tiki-drink and frowned.
“I haven’t finished my drink yet, though.” He said, pointing at the cup that was clearly only two thirds empty. Part of the ceiling caved in behind him as the structure of the room crumbled slowly.
“Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.” The robot repeated.
“Yeah, but…” he swished his glass and lean back on his bar stool, “Lemmie finish my drink first, okay? I’ll be with you in a minute.”
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
“Look, I’m almost done!” Nrezh protested desperately, he tried to find a napkin so he could set his drink down on it like a coaster, but found they had all been consumed in the heat of the blaze. He settled to simply stand up rather than tarnish the magnificent mahogany bar counter. “It’s not even last call yet! What if some happening babe should drop in while I’m off escaping? I’m not about to miss out on a chance to wow them with my killer pick up lines.” He cracked a smug smirk.
“Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
“Hey, you want to hear my best pick up line?” Nrezh asked excitedly while ignoring the robot.
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
“Okay, here goes. ‘Did you have to collapse a star to get into those pants?’” He paused dramatically. The robot stared into him blankly, and did not appreciate the tension. “’Because your butt is as hot as a super nova!’ Haha!”
The cleaning android did not have much in the way of logic but it did have enough in terms of artificial intelligence. It was given instructions on how to deal with customers on every subject anticipated by the engineers who built them. They were given priority to obey orders, but in the event of emergency they were allowed to deduct and fathom there own actions based on crude rudimentary logic. Basically it was required to perform whatever task would be most needed to improve life in general. Following this basic, primal guideline, the robot bashed Nrezh upside the head with a chrome mop.
However, once the threat of anyone being exposed to the painful pick up lines ceased to be imminent, the original programming resumed. The android dragged the unconscious passenger to an escape pod where he would be safe, despite how better off the world would be had he perished.
-
Akeil looked pitifully at the bite sized remainder of her candy bar; knowing that this was all she had left in the world of chocolate. She could sense the captain watching her, hawk like, waiting for her to cease savoring her sweet snack and get back to work. She bore remorse for biting into the thing so ravenously, but its soothing effects were demanded. She would not allow that tyrant to have the satisfaction of seeing her take her last bite so easily; she nibbled off but a teeny tiny flake of chocolate and savored it as best she could to spite him.
Gunther boredly turned watched his merry little fishies flit about aimlessly in their little bowl. His mind was drifted as he watched them with a mix of fascination and boredom. He wondered idly.
“Hey, engineer thingy.” He said in Akeil’s general direction. She looked up. “Do you have fish on your home world?”
Akeil tried to restrain her annoyance, and looked up at her webbed fingers. “…Well, yes. They were our primary food source.” She heaved a breath from her amphibious lungs as she thought briefly about her aquatic homeworld.
“Do you have water too?” Gunther followed up.
Akeil rose an eyebrow in dumbfoundment as she wrapped her brain around this question’s context.
“Yes,” She said gritting her teeth, “We do have water.”
“Huh.” Gunther commented. Akeil delved back into her candy bar for comfort. As she popped what little remained of her snack into her mouth, Gunter upended his shirttail and poked a finger his belly button. He immediately found the task too arduous to do sitting down, so he stood up and walked to the far wall casually so he could begin to really set to work cramming his finger down into the depths of it. Out he plucked a tuft of unidentified grime, which he examined on the tip of his finger like an archeological discovery.
Akeil’s chewing slowed to a crawl, and then halted. She was beginning to feel sick to her stomach, and didn’t know that she had the will to swallow after watching the grizzly scene unfold before her. She watched uncomfortably as he gave it a good sniff, smooshed it between his fingers, and then flicked it off into some unknown nook of the office where it could fester freely and openly as it was meant to. She did not know if she could mustur the will to swallow her chocolate after being so nauseated, but gulped it down as best she could. She was left feeling worse off than when she started.
“Oh! I see you’re done!” A wicked grin erupted from the Captain’s face; “You must fix the Kappuccino Kaiser now!”
Akeil nodded vaguely while she tried to repress a retch. Captain Gunther clapped his hands giddily with a chuckle and hopped up from his desk, he pranced over to Akeil who staggered unevenly to the machine. With a sigh of disgust, she hunkered down to work again. This was going to be the longest shift she’d ever worked.
Gunther watched as Akeil brandished her various tools with graceful dexterity and lunged them into the depths of the Kappuccino Kaiser, where she tinkered masterfully trying her very best to discover the reason why the little light bulb on the front was not functioning. She knew the problem had to originate from somewhere, but knew not where. Obviously there was a glitch in the system, causing the Kappuccino Kaiser to skip its protocol in lighting up. Any number of malfunctioning widgets within the machine could cause this, and she had no idea where to start. She resolved to set to work at once though, and find the problem by trial and error, from sheer grit and determination.
It was going to take her a while to realize that the light bulb had simply burnt out.
Gunther stood back and watched her work from over her shoulder. He felt weak, and useless as The Kappuccino Kaiser, his one true love, was put through unspeakable maintenance. He could not help, he had not the technical know-how to even begin to advise the young engineer on how to fix The Kappuccino Kaiser. Of course that didn’t stop him from doing so anyway.
“Hey, you should realign the phase disrupter and calibrate the photon deflector.” Gunther instructed, leaning over her shoulder.
Akeil paused, knowing that neither of those things actually existed in the machine or reality in general for that matter. She ignored him, and he seemed relatively satisfied as she was seemingly obeying his orders. He wasn’t sure though, he couldn’t tell the difference between defiance and obedience when it came to repairing cappuccino machines. He decided to kick up the pace.
“That what-cha-ma-call-it looks fairly wonky, you ought to distort the auxerilie lint filter and adjust the hoosit accordingly. Assuming the macro repositioning thingummer is in place so that the secondary plasma distributor doesn’t interfere with the post thermal electrical intake or the muffler.”
Akeil looked at her captain in discomfort; his demented take on engineering would forever haunt her nightmares. Wincing, she tried to remain focused “I see. I will get right on that.”
“Excellent!” Gunther exclaimed, sure that his insightful observations would surely cut the repair time by two thirds. It was doubtlessly time for a celebratory sandwich.
“Watching you stuff your face with that candy bar has made me hungry. I believe I shall eat now.”
Akeil glanced at the door out longingly, but did not see the captain head off for it. Instead, he wandered over to a far corner, and hunched over a filing cabinet, where he retrieved a tuna sandwich on rye from a folder marked ‘Tax Forms’.
Akeil was appalled and horrified at once. “You keep sandwiches in a filing cabinet?”
Gunther took the question in with the bewildered expression of someone who has been asked the obvious. “Where else would they be safe?”
“Of… Course.” Akeil accepted reluctantly and began to set back to work.
Her already feeble concentration was broken immediately by the flapping of gums and gnawing upon of soggy tuna and chewy bread. Gunther noshed and bit noisily into the sandwich, grunting all the while as if he were drowning. Bread and meat squished between his teeth, and the image and noise rang clear in Akeil’s mind’s eye gruesomely.
Gunther then proceeded to rap his fingers on his desk, and drum them idly. He continued to chew and gorge himself on the sandwich loudly, and as much as Akeil tried to tune out the sound from her attention, it seemed to become louder, and louder, until finally her entire existence revolved around the flapping gums of a disgusting elderly freak of a captain. Gunther even felt at this point that Akeil wasn’t going fast enough, so he went on to give her more sagely scientific advice on her job with his mouth full.
“Youfhg knowfgh youfgh caahn prwobly hix eet by rhuffing chah green battrres infh zhe udder wuygh.” Were amoung them.
Akeil’s heart thumped; adrenaline rushed through her as her body demanded escape from this situation. The grating dissonance filled her entire existence until she could take it no longer. Not even the santuary of chocolate could save her now.
Her face twitched into a malicious grin, and she sprang towards the door in a desperate charge, and bashed the door console in with a wrench. Nuts and bolts burst in all directions, and the door slid open permanently.
Gunther swallowed his current mouthful. “Hey! I didn’t tell you to fix that!” It was too late though. Akeil had already darted down the corridors into the ship, where chaos was on display as she witnessed security androids firing upon immense black feral crab monsters that towered over them menacingly. The air was filled with sirens and alarms as debris of ruined walls was scattered everywhere. Akeil instantly sprang into an escape pod, and without the slightest hesitation launched herself into deep space. The fact that the ship was being attacked by a titanous black beasts was purely incidental as she finally succeeded in getting away from the captain.
Gunther, for the first time heard the sounds of battle and panic emit from beyond his sound proof walls. Being the sort of captain he was, he was horribly concerned about the welfare of his cappuccino machine now that the engineer had left. He leaned back in his seat and brooded.
In the doorway appeared a black beast, which was only barely able to fit itself through the doorway with a tight squeeze. It growled deeply as it stood over Gunther, holding something in its arms.
Gunther waved him away. “Sorry, I don’t do tours of my office except during normal business hours. Please come back later.”
The beast took up an arm, and swept the desktop clean of all decoration and clutter with on fell swoop of its massive claw. The fish bowl was sent tumbling to the floor, and it burst in an explosion of glass and fish as it hit the floor. Gunther gasped in horror, and fell to his knees before it. He raised his hands to the ceiling in devastation as his fish floundered helplessly on dry land before him. His hands trembled over them as he say the horrible sight, and he gave a great wail. “NO! Pierre! Dominique! Antonio! Oh my God!! NO!!” He burst into tears over his fallen fish, whichever so slowly lost the will to flop in search of water.
The beast did not take note of these events, in solemnly placed an object atop the desktop, and made its way towards the door while Gunther wept bitterly over his pets.
“Wait!” He called to the beast, which hesitated slightly.
“I cannot let you get away with this! I WILL KILL YOU!” Gunther screamed, and prepared to pounce onto the beast and rip it limb from limb. But with one smack of its arms Gunther was knocked aside, as well as unconscious.
-
The war against the space monsters was curiously monotonous.
Upon finding one of them, Suzy and a battalion of the security androids would fight them dramatically to the death in an action packed display of valor.
After the third one though, it was getting awfully tired. The intensity of the fight was wearing Suzy down; her limbs ached and she was beginning to long to be away from this mess. She knew they couldn’t save the ship; it was too far-gone. The ship would collapse upon itself before long, and Suzy really would’ve preferred to see it happen from the safety of an escape pod from a distance.
She decided then, that she would help defeat one more. It was like eating peanuts after all, assuming the peanuts weighed two pounds and grappled mortally with you every time you wanted to eat one.
Just one more and then she would leave.
What emerged from the hallway before them was a frightening visage. A black monster, nearly twice the size of the others they had encountered, scuttled out from the darkness and towered over them. It gave a generic ship-shaking roar and advanced threateningly.
Suzy reminded herself why she hated Mondays.
She didn’t hesitate, she pounced upon the creature despite its bulk sank her teeth into it just like the others. Unlike the others she was promptly thrown off like a rag-doll where she crashed into a wall headlong.
“Ow.” She commented and then blacked out.
“Eh! I am the greatest! I am so cool!” The bolsterous crab bellowed. “The biggest fears no…” It leaned over and glanced at Suzy’s nametag. “Secretary! The biggest fears no puny secretary warriors! You are no match for my might” It announced to the unconscious Suzy, who was silent.
“…Okay. I guess you agree then.” The Biggest nodded. “Okay, I will smash you now, okay? Will that be cool? Okay.” He raised his arms to smear Suzy’s guts all over the corridor and was quickly interrupted when a few lasers zotted him in the face. It turned.
The crowded droids stood defiantly before the giant beast with their arm canons raised.
“Wait your turn, eh. I’ll get to you in a minute.” Growled The Biggest. “As I was saying…”
The lasers bombarded the creature; it got to be rather aggravating to be interrupted mid-sentence like that constantly. The Biggest decided that he would instead smash the robots first. This was a sound plan, and he looked around to find his day planner only to have the robots continue to assault him.
“Argh! That’s it! Prepare to die!” It charged.
The carnage that ensued was unparalleled. He tore through the androids with complete ease but never did a moment did the laser fire cease. The robots whirred and clicked and filed into the room in tidy formations.
It would take a great deal of androids to fell this beast; back up was summoned. A seemingly endless stream of robots marched politely into the room where they were immediately torn apart. Their numbers did not dwindle for even a moment; the ship was five thousand security androids strong.
Agony overwhelmed The Biggest as even his thick exoskeleton began to splinter under the constant barrage. Painful boils erupted from beneath the cracks and The Biggest howled in pain until it could take no more and fled.
The black beast burst through doorways, being too immense to fit through them simply. It sped its way through random pathways, while scant few androids headed off his path before him. It tore through them easily, and ran. The maze like corridors led it eventually to the cafeteria. After it burst the doorframe in it propped in back in place and quietly turned the dead bolt lock in the door.
It collapsed in an exhausted heap on the floor. It breathed full, brash breaths of exasperation as it tried to regain its strength as quickly as it could before the androids found it again.
From the darkness of the kitchen emerged another black beast. In its arms were an armload of gummy bears. It approached The Biggest leisurely and engulfed its burden of candy.
It was almost, but not quite, as big as The Biggest.
“Steven… Steevn. I am really hurt here, eh? I am The Biggest. You must treat my wounds. Y’know?”
Steven did not say anything as he swallowed the last gummy bear with malicious glee. Instead, he rose his immensely powerful forearms, and bashed his leader’s brains out.
Having finished that, he giggled to himself chipperly, and stuck a mechanical pineapple into the kitchen sink. This pineapple happened to have a digital clock in it. It was not telling time.
-
Six cleaning androids, and a spare bar bot wheeled into the room where Suzy lay defeated under a pile of scrap metal. They detected that her vital signs were still functioning, so they fished her out unceremoniously.
Despite the fact that she wasn’t awake, they made the point to constantly make sure to tell her that they insisted they evacuate the vessel immediately repeatedly all the while. Barely able to lift her, they drug her through the corridors, and delicately crammed her into the dearest escape pod. With the help of the other passengers, they managed to haul her into the escape pod and prop her up against the wall.
There were not many pods left.
The last of the surviving and evidently less intelligent passengers had been ushered safely into an escape pod with much effort and force. Many of them were convinced this was a show of some sort, and took flash photographs of every single moment of their exciting adventure of being pushed into their escape pods. They sipped their cocktails and murmured about how impressive the special effects were to each other.
Species of all variety were crammed in small escape ships and launched into the void. The last of the crew had been collected and together they made their hasty escape to take on an arduous task for survival.
There was, however, one crewmember left unaccounted for.
-
In the engine room, where vibrant space-age machinery hummed with ethereal glory, another mechanical pineapple was placed with delicate care. The crab beast scuttled away, its task complete. It brushed aside one of the few security androids that remained and made its way to the meeting.
A gathering of some six beasts stood in a wide circle in the abandoned bingo parlor. Their insolence knowing no bounds, they did not respect the sacred ways of bingo. Tables were upturned and card misplaced as they hurriedly conversed with one another about the fight.
“Eh. I planted mine.” The newcomer said.
“This is boring. There aren’t even any that many of those nasty tasting metal things to play with any more.” Another said sullenly. They turned to the newcomer.
“Yeah, sweet, yeah. Steven’s the only one who still needs to plant his pineapple, eh? We’ll be done then, and we can blow this dump.”
“This place sucks. None of these things taste like marshmallows. I want to leave.” Whined one of the smaller crabs.
One of the elders wriggled their teeth haughtily. “I want something that is softer. These steel thingies hurt my mouth.”
“Can we leave yet?”
“We have to wait for Steven. He needs to plant the last bomb.”
“Haven’t we planted enough yet?”
“No!” Barked the elder. “We gotta have big explosions when we leave! That’s the most fun! Hee-hee!”
They decided to spend their time breaking furniture until Steven arrived. This entertained them for all of ten minutes.
“I am done, eh.” Announced an enormous member of the beasts.
“Steven! Awesome! We’re done here. We need to tell The Biggest that we’re done.”
“You aren’t gonna.” The beast once named Steven spoke.
“Eh? Why not? Eh?”
“Because I have killed The Biggest.” It grinned maliciously, “I am now The Biggest, and you all will obey me!”
The crowd murmured amongst themselves in wonder.
“Yeah, okay.” “Sure,” And “Hokay,” Were a few of the responses. Most of them shrugged. The new The Biggest blinked in disappointment; he had expected much more controversy over the assassination.
“Hey, can I be Steven now?” One asked.
“Fine. You are now Steven.” The Biggest shrugged.
“Hey! No fair! I wanted to be Steven!” Another protested.
“Me too!”
“Too bad!” The new Steven said smugly, “Phbbbtt!”
“We are leaving now. Go and load the gummy bears onto our ship” The biggest commanded. “We need to get out of here.
“Hey, man, you were gone to go get them from the cafeteria. That’s why you volunteered!”
“Yes but that was before I became The Biggest.” The Biggest replied.
They shrugged, and several of them began to wander off to do this task before the youngest interrupted. “Hey, wait, didn’t we break our ship crashing into this thing?”
They all exchanged unnerved expressions as the revelation swept the minds of all of them. They HAD in fact obliterated their ship irreversibly by ramming it headlong into the cruise vessel. None of them were all that great at parking after all.
The horror sank in though; they had destroyed their only means of escape and had just finished planting a dozen explosive devices all throughout the ruined ship. The group wailed in terror and began to flail about in panic. There was no saving them.
-
Gunther woke up with a headache. He smelled the tart scent of laser blasts, he could sense the uneasy swaying of a damaged ship beneath his feet, and heard the ever-present sirens ringing clear throughout the ship. He took all of these things into account, and decided that he ought to put on some music because he didn’t much care for the sound of sirens.
He spent a good ten minutes looking for his Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD throughout his office, but could not find it anywhere. Battle androids marched passed his door as he searched desperately up and down the office and could find no trace of it.
So he resolved to complain about it. He booted up his office monitor console, and ran a scan for Suzy and rang her over the video intercom.
The transmission flung itself through space, and was intercepted by the respective escape pod. Gunther’s scratchy and snowy visage appeared on the monitor of the escape pod. Suzy stood to attention at once as she saw her captain’s disgruntled face and bumped her head on the low ceiling.
“Ow! Darnit! …Captain! What do you think you’re doing? Where are you?”
The garbled transmission of Gunther spoke. “Hey, Suzy, do you know where my Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD is? I can’t find it anywhere.”
“Errr—“
“Come on! I haven’t got all day!”
“Um, Captain, if you’ll notice, the ship is in distress. There are gigantic monsters lumbering about the ship and destroying everything. You should evacuate as soon as possible!”
Gunther frowned, becoming progressively more impatient. “Look, do you know where my CD is or not?”
“…No. No I do not.” Suzy blinked.
“Oh.” Gunther said gravely. “I’m very disappointed in you. You’re a lousy personal assistant if you can’t keep track of such a simple thing.”
“Captain! This was my first day on the job!”
“That’s no excuse! That CD means more to me than life itself! I wouldn’t be caught dead without my Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD! Someone might think I’m not cool! I’d just die of humiliation! Is that what you want? For me to DIE? Hmph! Insubordination!” He sneered.
“Captain! You’re in danger! Get off the ship!”
“What’s this all about now?” Gunther said, sneering quite skillfully and rapidly in the process.
Suzy took a breath, and composed herself carefully, “Sir! The ship was invaded by a legion of unidentified creatures! They ravaged the ship and killed dozens of people! Everyone has fled the vessel but you!”
“And what’s that got to do with my Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD?” Gunther growled testily.
“ARRGGGH” Suzy cut the transmission at that.
Gunther pouted in annoyance, apparently he’d have to find it himself. Off he went, resuming his search through the wreckage of his office, and tried desperately to find his hit CD mix.
After a bit more exhaustive searching, he discovered it to have been on the floor at the foot of his desk all along. He chuckled to himself at how silly it was to not notice it sooner. He snatched it up, and stood up, seeing the pineapple on his desk that happened to be counting backwards from eight hundred and twelve.
Gunther screamed, and backed away from it. Even he recognized the explosive device before him. A POD-TF-111 bomb was sitting on his desk before him, with only a mere eight minutes of time left.
The POD-TF-111 bomb is possibly the fifth most explosive machine in all of existence. It was inventive by a rather disturbed produce grocer who grew tired of life and civilization and desired for it all to be destroyed because people wouldn’t stop eating grapes right out of bags without paying.
Shaped like a pineapple, the POD-TF-111 packs enough power to level a good deal of a city. It is a favorite weapon of fruit themed terrorists all across the universe. Despite its popularity, it is not the most destructive type of explosive in the galaxy. That happens to be shaped like a summer squash.
Gunther ran up to his wall monitor console, and desperately ran a check for any open escape-pod still on board so he could escape the ensuing explosion.
He looked away from it, frowning. So much for living a life of shame and dishonor for not going down with the ship, every single escape pod, manned or not, had either been launched exactly seven minutes ago or was inoperable. He had been forcibly pushed into the role of honorful captain.
He broke down; he could not take this. He was much too old and pretty to die now! Not now at the height of his career as a befuddled ship captain bar-fly!
He suddenly had a desperate idea. Perhaps he could fling the bomb off into the void, and save himself from the explosion. He tried desperately to claw the bomb from his desk; but it was futile, the bomb weighed some two hundred pounds and he couldn’t budge it.
Gunther slumped into his seat. Even if he fled to the other end of the ship, where he could evade the explosion itself; the ship would not last much longer without any cabin pressure. He sweat, shook, and feared, and cried.
He spent the next three minutes like this. But then, he stopped. He sat up, his cheeks red and wet from tears, now unnervingly calm. He had accepted the fact that he was going to die now, whether he liked it or not. If he was going to die, he was going to do it on his own terms.
He bent over to the bottom drawer of his desk, and pulled it wide open. Under a mess of unimportant looking paperwork and miscellaneous office doodads was a single carefully preserved Hawaiian style tie-dye shirt. It was the only one he had managed to save when his office had been forcibly made respectable.
He stripped off his uniform vest and under coat, and clothed himself in his Hawaiian style tie-dye shirt at once. Solemnly, he marched out of his office, and into the depths of the ship.
He strolled out onto the main deck, where epic battles were waged between the surviving black beasts and security androids in the back ground. Gunther ignored them utterly, and casually strolled through the ship with a single objective in mind.
He approached one of the many drink bars found aboard the ship, and fixed himself a tiki drink.
He returned to his office somberly, and took up his music CD, which he put into his wall monitor console. He sat at his desk and immersed himself to today’s favorite pop-music hits until the sirens were drowned out. He sipped his tiki drink and put his feet up on his desk. His face was still struck with a sullen despair at his soon extinguished life.
He watched the pineapple beyond his feet slowly count down to zero.
3:00
He drank his drink, listening to his favorite tunes, and tried to forget things if but for a moment, but the suspense and worry he could not escape.
He finished his drink.
2:00
This was rather inconvenient. He couldn’t exactly make another trek out to get a refill. He didn’t have time to return and savor his music, or be on time to experience the explosion at point blank range. Darn the luck. This just wasn’t his day.
1:30
Well this was certainly tedious, he thought. He didn’t have a drink, and now his existence was pure misery. How was he going to pass the time until his ultimate demise?
1:29
1:28
1:27
He drummed his fingers idly, as the music played. It was beginning to get on his nerves, but he endured as best he could for another minute.
0:26
As death became imminent, Gunther wondered if he could have spent his final minutes doing something more productive. He didn’t know what, but he figured there could have been something. He could have prayed. He could have pleaded for the cosmos at large to spare him. He could have done something besides brood over his drink.
0:16
He could have done something before. …But upon a bit more reflection, he wondered why he couldn’t do something now. There was still time for, something. Anything.
0:10
He watched the bomb.
0:05
0:04
0:03
0:02
0:01
He wondered if he’d left the oven on at home at his apartment.
0:00
“Yes?”
“Just get me a drink.” Bob snarled in annoyance.
“…We shall see what we can do.” The robot said, and puttered off, tense, fearing the astronomically life altering results of failing to live up to their valued customer’s high and sophisticated standards again. Bob resumed picking his nose before she was out of view.
Bob reclined back and looked up at the vast and deep horizon of space around him. He saw the depths and rolling galaxies in the far distance, he saw nearby planetoids swirling in a cosmic ballet of wonder, he saw countless stars twinkling as pinpoints in the endless infinity of the sky. He saw another star ship flying towards them as it screeched to a sudden halt from hyper drive, it trailing cosmic dust and light as it warped back into existence.
He couldn’t help but notice how absolutely boring this all was. He sincerely hoped the android returned with his drink soon. As he wondered what kind of drink it would be, and then he heard a distant rumble as the entire ship shook violently for a few moments. Bob heard a massive explosion somewhere along the ship, as well as the general clatter and murmur of people all around him as they staggered back to their feet.
“Must be some drink.” Bob surmised having noticed how desperate the robo waitress had been in appeasing him.
So, he settled into his pool again, and sat, and fretted, and fidgeted, and waited. He continued to wait, and wait, and fret for several strenuous seconds before deciding that the robot android waitress had taken entirely too long to arrive with his fresh beverage, and was obviously being negligent with the serious matter of keeping him refreshed. This was an intolerable trespass.
Again, he retrieved the remote from his pool of slop, and pressed it firmly. He then dropped the remote; it plopped back into the slime and slowly made its descent through the mire once more. Bob brought his arms behind his head and sighed contentedly. After a few minutes of being blissfully content, he decided that he’d been forced to be content for entirely too long. Furious over his lack of new drink, he fished the remote out again furiously, and jabbed at the button with indignant rage.
Nothing happened. The waitress was taking forever to respond. He resumed slamming his palm into the button relentlessly.
At last, the android appeared again, it whirred and dashed through the crowd of life forms and appeared before Bob.
“Sir, sir, sir” It said frantically in a chipper monotone.
“Have you got my drink yet?” Bob frowned, seeing none.
“Valued customer Bob, please, we request that you do not leave your seat until further notice, we are experiencing some minor technical difficulties—“ The android was interrupted by a massive explosion coming from somewhere else aboard the vessel. “Nothing you should be concerned about. But please remain seated until further notice.”
“But did you get my drink?”
The robot seemed to compute this quietly for a moment. “We are sorry, valued customer Bob, but we have not yet finished retrieving the drink. We apologize for this inconvenience and solemnly request that you forgive us wretched and inconceivably awful creatures for our woeful crime against—“
“Yeah, I don’t care. Just get my drink.”
The android bowed slightly, or at least teetered on its base, and rolled off to fulfill this request. And after a few more insufferable minutes of drinkless hell, Bob returned to jabbing the remote control with reckless abandon.
It took twice as long to summon the android this time. It returned, smoldering slightly, missing an arm, and worst of all, still without a visible beverage for Bob.
“There is no need to panic!” The robot explained gleefully. “There is no reason to panic! Don’t panic!” It went on, panicking.
“Look, what’s taking so long? I’m really thirsty. It’s been all of ten minutes since I had something to drink.” Bob scrunched up his snout and was prepared to look dissatisfied with his treatment.
“Nothing is wrong. We apologize for the inconvenience. The ship is not under attack. Please remain calm. Please remain in your seats. The robot security force will be dispatched soon to take care of the threat that does not exist. Please remain calm.”
“Yeah. Whatever.” Bob said. On all sides of the deck there was a collective mechanical whir as panels opened. Platforms with lanky and frail looking black robots raised from the hidden platform with a cloud of steam, and at once the machines roared to life brandishing laser rifles.
“When am I going to get my drink?” Bob demanded to know while security androids marched towards the rear end of the ship.
The robot paused, as it computed this query.
“That is a difficult question.” It replied with gusto.
Bob flicked the slime in his pool between his forefingers irritably. “Why?”
“For reasons beyond our control, we cannot access the drink bar at this moment.” The robot explained.
“Why, what’s wrong?” Bob leaned in, concerned over his possibly bleak future of beverage ingesting.
“The hull of the ship has been compromised; the hallway that previously led to the machine that makes the drinks is now a gaping hole sucking everything into the depths of space. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
“Wait, the hull has been breached? Isn’t that bad?” Bob said with mild concern, but not nearly as much as his previous question.
“It is no reason. There is no problem. Everything is under control. Please remain in your seats, please remain calm. There is no breach in the hull. We are not under attack. Please remain calm, and in your seats, and calmly remain in your seats with calm.” The android trembles slightly and shorted with electricity.
“But you just said…”
“THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE SHIP!” The android screamed at the top of its digital lungs with possibly the most elated and happy inflection it was capable of.
“We will be showing today’s in flight movie early now. Please direct your attention to the nearest wall monitor to enjoy it.” The android explained. A giant movie screen began to rise from the floor slowly, apparently because there were no wall monitors on the deck of the ship. The very last of the androids marched out of view and into the other end of the ship with a metallic clatter of feet. “Please remain calm and in your seats. We will be showing the epic tragic romance drama of The Stars Between us, starring the voluptuous miss Nquxszhtghd Gnsswrtgzz, and the dashing Carl Smith as they share a whirl wind intergalactic romance that was not meant to be. Please remain calm and in your seats while sitting in your seats and being calm. There is nothing wrong.”
Bob quieted down after this; he had yet to see this film and had heard that it had gotten astoundingly average reviews from most critics. He was not about to let anything peel him away from this sort of entertainment.
With another farewell mutter of “Please remain calm and seated in the seats where you are calm.” The android rolled away spewing a trail of black smoke in its wake. Bob watched as the screen continued to erect, and once it had fully managed to lock in place at full height, the film started. Bob was enthralled completely and was confident that this was the best movie ever. The first opening credit ran, and then the screen exploded into a thousand shards as a crab like monster burst through the screen in a charging gallop of skittering legs. With a loud warcry of ‘Eh!’ the monster slammed its jaws into the waitress robot and wrestled it in its jaws, and biting down broke the machine in half.
“Nice special effects.” Bob commented while the security androids fired a hail of laser beams at the monster from all sides.
-
Gunther watched with anxious fascination as Akeil worked diligently on the cappuccino machine. He frittered about uselessly wringing his hands and growing new wrinkles while his beloved went through the gut wrenching tinkering of a mechanic. He wanted to help; he wanted to do something to speed this up, and to ease the torment of his cappuccino machine. There was nothing he could do, so he did the next best thing, which was to lean in over Akeil’s shoulder and breathe loud, exasperated puffs of putrid scented breath right next to her ear.
Akeil winced while her soldering iron hovered over the machine’s delicate and complex super intelligent coffee brewing AI motherboard. “Captain, please forgive me, but you’re making my work uncomfortable.”
“Oh. Okay.” Gunther said forgiving her completely for finding his behavior intrusive, and continued making her uncomfortable. He did, however, begin to idly pick his nose. So there was progress.
Akeil felt her skin clam up and begin to shift in color to chartreuse, which was a natural defense mechanism of her species when faced with life threatening situations. It didn’t exactly do anything to protect her species from predators, but like most presumably evolutionary improvements, it served to embarrass you in front of your friends when someone sneaks up and goes ‘boo.’ She tried her best to repress a shudder while enduring her captain’s breath.
“Captain, I would like to request that you move away so that I can concentrate on my work.” She said, without looking up.
“No, that’s okay, I think,” Started the captain; heavily involved with retrieving a whopper of a booger from his left nostril. “I’ll watch.”
“SIR,” Akeil said with such intense respect in her voice that you could easily assume she was moments away from homicide, “I must insist that you do something else while I fix your coffee machine.”
“It’s a cappuccino machine.” Gunther corrected in an admonishing tone, unleashing another blast of hot breath. Akeil felt beads of sweat roll down her face while she tried her best not to tremble while she holding various power-tools.
“Oh, yes, of course, cappuccino machine, how silly of me.” She assured as best she could while her eyes watered, “But I would fix the CAPPUCCINO machine much faster if you moved away while I work.”
Gunther considered this for a moment. Having to wait even a second longer for a cappuccino than necessary was not a fate he was emotionally prepared to fathom. However, looking around his tidy and proper office, with all of the fun sucked right out of it by his corporate employers, he could not fathom what else to do.
“But I’m borreeeeeddd.” He whined, stamping his foot. “What am I supposed to do?”
Akeil flinched, she was growing increasingly irritated and feeling constantly reminded of why she did not aspire to have children. “I don’t care. Watch your fish or something. I’ll be done in a little bit.”
Gunther harumphed, and stumbled over to his desk, and sat down dejectedly. He pouted and glared into his fish bowl, infuriated at the indignity of the universe at large that this was the only thing available to engage his mind. The fish weren’t particularly offended by the mean look.
-
Robo maid #44-11LT66 rolled the service cart out from one of the ship’s many cabin rooms, having just finished cleaning it. It pulled the cart out into the hallway, which gleamed spotlessly with red velvet carpet and marble walls with gold trim. Robo maid #44-11LT66 closed the door happily and set off down the hall towing the cart to the next filth encrusted room. Had the androids the ability to utilize the emotion of wonder, they would be astounded at how a single tourist could render their cabin a trashed disheveled dump within minutes of it being cleaned; even if they were on the other side of the ship.
With a mighty roar, a gargantuan black crab-like monstrosity charged head long into the corridor in full gallop; a helpless cruise passenger ran screaming before it, flailing his arms as he desperately fled for his life.
“No running in the corridor!” The robo maid scolded disapprovingly.
The crab beast slowed to a trot, and the fleeing tourist to a saunter. They continued their exciting and dramatic chase quietly. The tourist winced and strode fearfully, knowing that they would have to saunter with all the swiftness they could do politely to escape certain death.
-
The S.S. Esesess was swept with panic and destruction; tourists fled for their lives from the intruding xenomorphs, but not so fast that they might spill their drinks. Several, nay, DOZENS of shuffle board games were monstrously interrupted as the black beasts scuttled along wherever whim took them as they trailed destruction and desolation in their path. The air with thick with the musty tang of laser fire as what attack robots that could manage to interfere did so with gusto. Despite the valiant efforts of the mindless killing machine androids, they did little more with their weapons than pester the immense titans. Debris and dust billowed as war was waged for control of the onboard swimming pool. It was a bleak day for Galactic Cruise Lines.
-
The bridge of the ship was a clatter with screaming, frantic running about, blaring sirens, flashing red lights, and even more screaming. This was for the benefit of anyone who had not gotten the memo stating that the ship was under attack. The communications officer hastily tried his best to contact Captain Gunther to alert him to the situation at once.
“The captain isn’t responding to the distress message! His tracking tag says he is in his office, but he hasn’t answered his intercom yet! He hasn’t even acknowledged the transmission! What are we going to do?!”
The rest of the crew took a short break from panicking to think about this thoughtfully. They considered their captain, and his character, and his ability to lead, command, and handle complex and dangerous situations with maturity and wisdom.
“Why were you trying to contact him again?”
The communications officer put a hand over his head set microphone for a moment. “I… Don’t know.”
The head of navigation stood up out of her seat, “Okay, we can handle this. We’re the only things standing between this ship and total annihilation. There are feral space monsters lurking everyone on board, and there’s a massive gaping hole in the side of the ship that’s sucking everything into the void of space. We just have to pool our efforts and save as many passengers as possible; we can all survive this. We all just have to contribute.”
“AIEEEE!!” Contributed the head engineer.
The others attempted to calm down, although the fact that the sirens were bit distracting. It was also a bit hard to see, seeing as they had turned off the room lights so that the emergency red floodlights would achieve a more dramatic effect.
“How are the evacuations going?” Ventured the communications officer.
“We, er… Haven’t started them yet.”
“What?! What were you all doing while I was trying to alert the captain?!”
“Panicking.”
“AIIEEE!!” The head engineer followed up in rebuttal.
“Oh. Right.” The communications officer tore his headset off his head, and held his tense forehead as he tried to gather his thoughts.
“Maybe we don’t have to evacuate. What if the security robots manage to finish off the intruders?”
“Not likely. The vital signs for a third of the androids aren’t being reported. Even if we do manage to overwhelm the monsters, we’ve still got a massive hole in the ship. We don’t have the material to patch it, and even if we did, we’ll have lost the cabin pressure completely by then. We won’t be able to produce breathable air fast enough to sustain everyone let alone keep them from getting sucked out.”
“Look, we can set all of the androids not capable of fighting the intruders to evacuating any staff and passengers they can find. Assuming the passengers haven’t figured out that they should be escaping, we can save most of them.”
The others nodded, and after a few keyboard strokes the head of security looked up. “Done; the attack androids will try to cover refugees. But just in case, you better put a message out over the P.A., chief.”
“AIIEEE!!”
The communications officer nodded, and after replacing his headset he pressed a few buttons, and spoke.
“Okay people,” His voice rang out throughout the ship, in every room, in every plaza and every workstation, “Anyone who hasn’t figured it out yet, the ship has being rudely violated by an unidentified flying object and there are mammoth sized lobsters trashing everything. I want everyone to head towards to the nearest escape pod. If you don’t know where the nearest pod is, don’t panic. Find the nearest unarmed android and they’ll show you. Once there, DO NOT launch immediately. Wait for as many other potential passengers before evacuating; we don’t have nearly as many escape pods as passengers. If anyone of you chooses to be a selfish bastard and blasts off alone, I will personally hunt you down to your home and kick in your most delicate anatomical orifice. Now, for all of you first class customers who were guaranteed preferable treatment in chance of an emergency I have this to announce: screw you. You can sue Galactic Cruise Lines after this is all over for all I care, but right now your money isn’t worth squat so long as your lives are on the line, and not one of you can gauge the worth of your soul on your bank roll. Now get the hell off this bloody ship this instant in a calm and orderly fashion right now, you idiots!”
The communications officer flipped the P.A. off, and flung his head set to the floor.
“That was beautiful, mate.”
“AIIEEEE!!”
“Heh. Galactic Cruise Lines isn’t going to like half of that when they hear about it. And that’s exactly why I couldn’t have said it better myself.”
“Yeah, whatever. Look, can we just do something about this situation now? You can pat me on the back all you want for giving a swell public announcement after it’s insured we’ll all live through this.”
“Look, maybe we can put out an S.O.S. and see about—“
“Oh my God!” The security officer interrupted as he stared in horror at one of the report monitors, “The monsters have breached the cafeteria and have gotten into our supply of gummy bears! We’re screwed!”
“AIIIEEEEEE!!” The head engineer shrieked in terror with the others joining in this time. They resumed panicking.
-
The intercom console had flashed desperately with a tiny red light, it alerted the fact that there were messages being sent to this room. Messages that it was not relaying because the console was muted. Gunther sat at his desk, oblivious to the flashing blip. He rested his head in his hands as he quietly watched the soothing flitting of fishes in their bowl.
“Done yet?” Gunther asked as the fishes bobbed silently in their little self-contained world.
“I said NOT YET!” Akeil fumed.
Gunther remained satisfied with this response for all of five seconds.
“Done yet?” he asked as he watched the fishes with increasing fascination.
Akeil looked up for her work in rapidly mounting rage, “I just told you! NO!”
Gunther felt his aggravation melt away as he stared into the fish bowl. He despised the fish, and yet he could not resent them; their placid antics filled his feeble heart with joy. It almost made the horrible tyranical oppression of wearing pants and a uniform tolerable. He ran a finger along the glass aloofly.
The little red light on the intercom console ceased flashing.
“Done yet?”
Akeil slapped her forehead; her left eye twitched rapidly, and she was considering the finer points of homicide.
“Look, if you have to talk to me while I work, could you PLEASE say something else?”
“Okay.” Gunther said, sitting up. “Are you finished now?”
“Arrrrggh!” Akeil stomped away from the Koffee Kaiser unit, her sanity waning. She pulled herself into a corner with a mighty thud, and wrenched an emergency candy bar from her tool bar.
It will be all right. Do not scream. It will be all right. There is chocolate. Everything will be all right while there is chocolate. Remain sane. There is chocolate, and you must remain sane.
“Heyyy. Why’d you stop working?” Gunther pried from over his desk.
Akeil chomped into half the bar at once.
“I—Mm. I’m tagking a bweak you doof!” She mumbled between chews. She gave a relieved shudder for the taste.
Gunther pouted relentlessly; he stooped his brow, narrowed his eyes, and flared his nostrils mightily. “I order you to get back to work this instance! There are lives at stake here!” He whipped a finger at the Kappuccino Kaiser; “We cannot afford a moment’s dawdling!”
Akeil wiped her mouth clean with the sleeve of her jump suit sinisterly. “I’m union, bub. Deal with it. We’re allowed breaks. We’re allowed one privilege break a day.” She said with bitter satisfaction.
Gunther bounced back with fright; it had slipped his mind that the engineering staff were union. He gritted his teeth. That was one hornet’s nest he dare not stir up, lest he be set upon by hundreds of vicious pasty skinned ship mechanics at once. They could rend him asunder like a pack of feral weasels, in but a brief minute they could disassemble his body like an old carburetor with their assorted tools. He suppressed a cringe.
“You will NOT address your Captain as bub, young female.” Gunther leaned over his desk, his chin hovering over the fish bowl ominously, he muttered in a low, authoritative voice while Akeil took another bite of her candy bar “Union or not, you are bound by honor and contract to respect your me.” He glowered You will address me of nothing less than the formal term, ‘Bubba’. And you will follow with a respectful and fearful SIR. I am a very powerful man aboard this vessel. I’m the captain, and that makes me, like, almost the most powerful person. It is best you not anger me, things could happen: bad things. I could get mad, and shout at you. That might hurt your ears. DO YOU WANT THAT?!”
“With all the respect, ceremony and honor due to you Captain,” Akeil looked up somberly from her chocolate, “Cram it.”
Gunther jutted his chin out mightily, like a mad bull he snorted, he stomped his foot as if preparing for a charge and announced with the most severity possible, “Okay.” He then quietly sat back down.
-
The PA crackled with its final words, “Now get the hell off this bloody ship this instant in a calm and orderly fashion right now, you idiots!”
Suzy let out a heart-throbbing beastly roar of rage as she slammed a fist into the underbelly of one of the black monstrosities. It rumbled with a low growl, and countered with a forceful smack of its forearms sending Suzy tumbling backward onto her behind. The security robots clicked and whirred to themselves as they locked on target and unleashed a barrage of hellish laser fire at the beast from long range. The lasers dotted the beast’s thick hide like painful pinpricks; it reared back cautiously.
“Knock it off, eh!” It shouted in annoyance before pulling its bulk onto its hind legs and slamming its weight heavily into the ship. The droids trembled and collapsed as the artificial gravity faltered for a moment.
After standing back up, the droids retaliated at once by blasting the monster with a barrage of their arm cannons, dotting the beast in laser fire. The beast flinched under the assailing, and ordered them to stop picking on him. They did not.
Suzy stood back; as the beast could take more no, it burst its arms akimbo and with an otherworldly roar. The monster plowed through the crowd of security androids in a charge sending the robots tumbling to the floor lightly.
“Ha-ha!” It commented, and then rose its heavy clawed arms up to smash the droids. Before it could, Suzy launched herself at the beast and locked her arms around the immense titan’s bulk from behind. She braced herself to restrain the creature as it resisted with all its might; in a frenzied panic the crab tried to shake Suzy off, only to find that she clung too tightly. Slowly, the droids staggered to their feet again and idly resumed their attack on the monster.
“Ow! ACK! No fair!! AARGH!” The beast shrieked in agony and staggered back. The lasers continued to rain upon the fierce crab; desperately it tried to flail itself free of Suzy’s vice like grip to no avail. She braced her legs firmly against the floor and bit into his neck to hold him still.
“AARGH. NO BITING! NO BITING! YOU DON’T PLAY RIGHT!” The monster bellowed and expended its last bit of strength in a mindless squirm to escape. It could not outmatch Suzy’s strength, and instead it slowly began to slump down to the floor as the lasers continually pounded into his fractured exoskeleton.
At last with a whimper of “Ch-cheater,” its eyes grew dim.
Suzy panted feverishly, her heart raced, and she stood up triumphantly over the beast, and between exasperated breaths stated “One down.”
Suzy smiled at the various faceless security androids. All around her they stood chittering and humming electrically, a hundred tiny identical warriors with jet-black frames. They were only three feet tall. Suzy stood among a sea of them as if she were a mountain. The little mechanical death dealers whirred and clicked idly, before deciding to move on. The ship-board computer had reported the next imminent target.
What the little robots lacked in appearance they made up for in reinforced titanium frames and numbers. Their limbs were small and spindly; they had but one hand, and a laser cannon to replace the other on the remaining arm.
Suzy made to follow them. It was odd to her, to stride side by side with soulless machinery into the heart of battle. War could not be made without sacrifice; yet these machines were sent headlong into battle without a care. Shaped like a biped lifeform, they marched to their deaths in battle without fear or reason to live but to fulfill this purpose. She felt a fleeting pang of sympathy for the robot race and how horrible it would be to be so limited. She wished that they could speak so that they could share this fight like brethren.
At least until a maid android stepped in from front of her path.
“Galactic Cruise Lines employee #11-T6511-8956Q,” The android crooned, “Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
Suzy stood aback. “Don’t be stupid, I have to help kill the intruders;” She snarled “I can’t evacuate yet.”
An error occurred in the robot’s protocol and it proceeded to try again.
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
Suzy frowned, “I can’t leave. I have to fight.”
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.” The android repeated.
Suzy was simply a serial number in the registry, and the robot knew nothing but pursue and badger her until the task was accomplished.
Suzy was beginning to feel home sick for her home planet, where technology was primitive and sitting in the mud was a social event. On her planet, things like microwave popcorn and electronic tube socks were considered sorcery invented by witch-demons from beyond the sky. This was a planet where the masses were satisfied to find their entertainment in taking turns punching one another in the face. She looked off wistfully and then back at the robot. It was decided that a demonstration of her native culture was in order.
The robot exploded into a hail of shrapnel when it hit the wall. To think she took a secretary job in order to learn to deal with her anger issues. She shrugged as the rain of debris died down. Live and learn. She resumed following the security droids.
-
“Valued Customer Nrezh, please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
Nrezh looked about the bar leisurely, and at the serving robot that was speaking to him. The room was engulfed in flames while wreckage and burning debris lined the floors and tables of the drink lounge. He gingerly took a swig of his tropical tiki-drink and frowned.
“I haven’t finished my drink yet, though.” He said, pointing at the cup that was clearly only two thirds empty. Part of the ceiling caved in behind him as the structure of the room crumbled slowly.
“Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.” The robot repeated.
“Yeah, but…” he swished his glass and lean back on his bar stool, “Lemmie finish my drink first, okay? I’ll be with you in a minute.”
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
“Look, I’m almost done!” Nrezh protested desperately, he tried to find a napkin so he could set his drink down on it like a coaster, but found they had all been consumed in the heat of the blaze. He settled to simply stand up rather than tarnish the magnificent mahogany bar counter. “It’s not even last call yet! What if some happening babe should drop in while I’m off escaping? I’m not about to miss out on a chance to wow them with my killer pick up lines.” He cracked a smug smirk.
“Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
“Hey, you want to hear my best pick up line?” Nrezh asked excitedly while ignoring the robot.
“I cannot allow this. Please follow me at once so that you may be evacuated from the vessel.”
“Okay, here goes. ‘Did you have to collapse a star to get into those pants?’” He paused dramatically. The robot stared into him blankly, and did not appreciate the tension. “’Because your butt is as hot as a super nova!’ Haha!”
The cleaning android did not have much in the way of logic but it did have enough in terms of artificial intelligence. It was given instructions on how to deal with customers on every subject anticipated by the engineers who built them. They were given priority to obey orders, but in the event of emergency they were allowed to deduct and fathom there own actions based on crude rudimentary logic. Basically it was required to perform whatever task would be most needed to improve life in general. Following this basic, primal guideline, the robot bashed Nrezh upside the head with a chrome mop.
However, once the threat of anyone being exposed to the painful pick up lines ceased to be imminent, the original programming resumed. The android dragged the unconscious passenger to an escape pod where he would be safe, despite how better off the world would be had he perished.
-
Akeil looked pitifully at the bite sized remainder of her candy bar; knowing that this was all she had left in the world of chocolate. She could sense the captain watching her, hawk like, waiting for her to cease savoring her sweet snack and get back to work. She bore remorse for biting into the thing so ravenously, but its soothing effects were demanded. She would not allow that tyrant to have the satisfaction of seeing her take her last bite so easily; she nibbled off but a teeny tiny flake of chocolate and savored it as best she could to spite him.
Gunther boredly turned watched his merry little fishies flit about aimlessly in their little bowl. His mind was drifted as he watched them with a mix of fascination and boredom. He wondered idly.
“Hey, engineer thingy.” He said in Akeil’s general direction. She looked up. “Do you have fish on your home world?”
Akeil tried to restrain her annoyance, and looked up at her webbed fingers. “…Well, yes. They were our primary food source.” She heaved a breath from her amphibious lungs as she thought briefly about her aquatic homeworld.
“Do you have water too?” Gunther followed up.
Akeil rose an eyebrow in dumbfoundment as she wrapped her brain around this question’s context.
“Yes,” She said gritting her teeth, “We do have water.”
“Huh.” Gunther commented. Akeil delved back into her candy bar for comfort. As she popped what little remained of her snack into her mouth, Gunter upended his shirttail and poked a finger his belly button. He immediately found the task too arduous to do sitting down, so he stood up and walked to the far wall casually so he could begin to really set to work cramming his finger down into the depths of it. Out he plucked a tuft of unidentified grime, which he examined on the tip of his finger like an archeological discovery.
Akeil’s chewing slowed to a crawl, and then halted. She was beginning to feel sick to her stomach, and didn’t know that she had the will to swallow after watching the grizzly scene unfold before her. She watched uncomfortably as he gave it a good sniff, smooshed it between his fingers, and then flicked it off into some unknown nook of the office where it could fester freely and openly as it was meant to. She did not know if she could mustur the will to swallow her chocolate after being so nauseated, but gulped it down as best she could. She was left feeling worse off than when she started.
“Oh! I see you’re done!” A wicked grin erupted from the Captain’s face; “You must fix the Kappuccino Kaiser now!”
Akeil nodded vaguely while she tried to repress a retch. Captain Gunther clapped his hands giddily with a chuckle and hopped up from his desk, he pranced over to Akeil who staggered unevenly to the machine. With a sigh of disgust, she hunkered down to work again. This was going to be the longest shift she’d ever worked.
Gunther watched as Akeil brandished her various tools with graceful dexterity and lunged them into the depths of the Kappuccino Kaiser, where she tinkered masterfully trying her very best to discover the reason why the little light bulb on the front was not functioning. She knew the problem had to originate from somewhere, but knew not where. Obviously there was a glitch in the system, causing the Kappuccino Kaiser to skip its protocol in lighting up. Any number of malfunctioning widgets within the machine could cause this, and she had no idea where to start. She resolved to set to work at once though, and find the problem by trial and error, from sheer grit and determination.
It was going to take her a while to realize that the light bulb had simply burnt out.
Gunther stood back and watched her work from over her shoulder. He felt weak, and useless as The Kappuccino Kaiser, his one true love, was put through unspeakable maintenance. He could not help, he had not the technical know-how to even begin to advise the young engineer on how to fix The Kappuccino Kaiser. Of course that didn’t stop him from doing so anyway.
“Hey, you should realign the phase disrupter and calibrate the photon deflector.” Gunther instructed, leaning over her shoulder.
Akeil paused, knowing that neither of those things actually existed in the machine or reality in general for that matter. She ignored him, and he seemed relatively satisfied as she was seemingly obeying his orders. He wasn’t sure though, he couldn’t tell the difference between defiance and obedience when it came to repairing cappuccino machines. He decided to kick up the pace.
“That what-cha-ma-call-it looks fairly wonky, you ought to distort the auxerilie lint filter and adjust the hoosit accordingly. Assuming the macro repositioning thingummer is in place so that the secondary plasma distributor doesn’t interfere with the post thermal electrical intake or the muffler.”
Akeil looked at her captain in discomfort; his demented take on engineering would forever haunt her nightmares. Wincing, she tried to remain focused “I see. I will get right on that.”
“Excellent!” Gunther exclaimed, sure that his insightful observations would surely cut the repair time by two thirds. It was doubtlessly time for a celebratory sandwich.
“Watching you stuff your face with that candy bar has made me hungry. I believe I shall eat now.”
Akeil glanced at the door out longingly, but did not see the captain head off for it. Instead, he wandered over to a far corner, and hunched over a filing cabinet, where he retrieved a tuna sandwich on rye from a folder marked ‘Tax Forms’.
Akeil was appalled and horrified at once. “You keep sandwiches in a filing cabinet?”
Gunther took the question in with the bewildered expression of someone who has been asked the obvious. “Where else would they be safe?”
“Of… Course.” Akeil accepted reluctantly and began to set back to work.
Her already feeble concentration was broken immediately by the flapping of gums and gnawing upon of soggy tuna and chewy bread. Gunther noshed and bit noisily into the sandwich, grunting all the while as if he were drowning. Bread and meat squished between his teeth, and the image and noise rang clear in Akeil’s mind’s eye gruesomely.
Gunther then proceeded to rap his fingers on his desk, and drum them idly. He continued to chew and gorge himself on the sandwich loudly, and as much as Akeil tried to tune out the sound from her attention, it seemed to become louder, and louder, until finally her entire existence revolved around the flapping gums of a disgusting elderly freak of a captain. Gunther even felt at this point that Akeil wasn’t going fast enough, so he went on to give her more sagely scientific advice on her job with his mouth full.
“Youfhg knowfgh youfgh caahn prwobly hix eet by rhuffing chah green battrres infh zhe udder wuygh.” Were amoung them.
Akeil’s heart thumped; adrenaline rushed through her as her body demanded escape from this situation. The grating dissonance filled her entire existence until she could take it no longer. Not even the santuary of chocolate could save her now.
Her face twitched into a malicious grin, and she sprang towards the door in a desperate charge, and bashed the door console in with a wrench. Nuts and bolts burst in all directions, and the door slid open permanently.
Gunther swallowed his current mouthful. “Hey! I didn’t tell you to fix that!” It was too late though. Akeil had already darted down the corridors into the ship, where chaos was on display as she witnessed security androids firing upon immense black feral crab monsters that towered over them menacingly. The air was filled with sirens and alarms as debris of ruined walls was scattered everywhere. Akeil instantly sprang into an escape pod, and without the slightest hesitation launched herself into deep space. The fact that the ship was being attacked by a titanous black beasts was purely incidental as she finally succeeded in getting away from the captain.
Gunther, for the first time heard the sounds of battle and panic emit from beyond his sound proof walls. Being the sort of captain he was, he was horribly concerned about the welfare of his cappuccino machine now that the engineer had left. He leaned back in his seat and brooded.
In the doorway appeared a black beast, which was only barely able to fit itself through the doorway with a tight squeeze. It growled deeply as it stood over Gunther, holding something in its arms.
Gunther waved him away. “Sorry, I don’t do tours of my office except during normal business hours. Please come back later.”
The beast took up an arm, and swept the desktop clean of all decoration and clutter with on fell swoop of its massive claw. The fish bowl was sent tumbling to the floor, and it burst in an explosion of glass and fish as it hit the floor. Gunther gasped in horror, and fell to his knees before it. He raised his hands to the ceiling in devastation as his fish floundered helplessly on dry land before him. His hands trembled over them as he say the horrible sight, and he gave a great wail. “NO! Pierre! Dominique! Antonio! Oh my God!! NO!!” He burst into tears over his fallen fish, whichever so slowly lost the will to flop in search of water.
The beast did not take note of these events, in solemnly placed an object atop the desktop, and made its way towards the door while Gunther wept bitterly over his pets.
“Wait!” He called to the beast, which hesitated slightly.
“I cannot let you get away with this! I WILL KILL YOU!” Gunther screamed, and prepared to pounce onto the beast and rip it limb from limb. But with one smack of its arms Gunther was knocked aside, as well as unconscious.
-
The war against the space monsters was curiously monotonous.
Upon finding one of them, Suzy and a battalion of the security androids would fight them dramatically to the death in an action packed display of valor.
After the third one though, it was getting awfully tired. The intensity of the fight was wearing Suzy down; her limbs ached and she was beginning to long to be away from this mess. She knew they couldn’t save the ship; it was too far-gone. The ship would collapse upon itself before long, and Suzy really would’ve preferred to see it happen from the safety of an escape pod from a distance.
She decided then, that she would help defeat one more. It was like eating peanuts after all, assuming the peanuts weighed two pounds and grappled mortally with you every time you wanted to eat one.
Just one more and then she would leave.
What emerged from the hallway before them was a frightening visage. A black monster, nearly twice the size of the others they had encountered, scuttled out from the darkness and towered over them. It gave a generic ship-shaking roar and advanced threateningly.
Suzy reminded herself why she hated Mondays.
She didn’t hesitate, she pounced upon the creature despite its bulk sank her teeth into it just like the others. Unlike the others she was promptly thrown off like a rag-doll where she crashed into a wall headlong.
“Ow.” She commented and then blacked out.
“Eh! I am the greatest! I am so cool!” The bolsterous crab bellowed. “The biggest fears no…” It leaned over and glanced at Suzy’s nametag. “Secretary! The biggest fears no puny secretary warriors! You are no match for my might” It announced to the unconscious Suzy, who was silent.
“…Okay. I guess you agree then.” The Biggest nodded. “Okay, I will smash you now, okay? Will that be cool? Okay.” He raised his arms to smear Suzy’s guts all over the corridor and was quickly interrupted when a few lasers zotted him in the face. It turned.
The crowded droids stood defiantly before the giant beast with their arm canons raised.
“Wait your turn, eh. I’ll get to you in a minute.” Growled The Biggest. “As I was saying…”
The lasers bombarded the creature; it got to be rather aggravating to be interrupted mid-sentence like that constantly. The Biggest decided that he would instead smash the robots first. This was a sound plan, and he looked around to find his day planner only to have the robots continue to assault him.
“Argh! That’s it! Prepare to die!” It charged.
The carnage that ensued was unparalleled. He tore through the androids with complete ease but never did a moment did the laser fire cease. The robots whirred and clicked and filed into the room in tidy formations.
It would take a great deal of androids to fell this beast; back up was summoned. A seemingly endless stream of robots marched politely into the room where they were immediately torn apart. Their numbers did not dwindle for even a moment; the ship was five thousand security androids strong.
Agony overwhelmed The Biggest as even his thick exoskeleton began to splinter under the constant barrage. Painful boils erupted from beneath the cracks and The Biggest howled in pain until it could take no more and fled.
The black beast burst through doorways, being too immense to fit through them simply. It sped its way through random pathways, while scant few androids headed off his path before him. It tore through them easily, and ran. The maze like corridors led it eventually to the cafeteria. After it burst the doorframe in it propped in back in place and quietly turned the dead bolt lock in the door.
It collapsed in an exhausted heap on the floor. It breathed full, brash breaths of exasperation as it tried to regain its strength as quickly as it could before the androids found it again.
From the darkness of the kitchen emerged another black beast. In its arms were an armload of gummy bears. It approached The Biggest leisurely and engulfed its burden of candy.
It was almost, but not quite, as big as The Biggest.
“Steven… Steevn. I am really hurt here, eh? I am The Biggest. You must treat my wounds. Y’know?”
Steven did not say anything as he swallowed the last gummy bear with malicious glee. Instead, he rose his immensely powerful forearms, and bashed his leader’s brains out.
Having finished that, he giggled to himself chipperly, and stuck a mechanical pineapple into the kitchen sink. This pineapple happened to have a digital clock in it. It was not telling time.
-
Six cleaning androids, and a spare bar bot wheeled into the room where Suzy lay defeated under a pile of scrap metal. They detected that her vital signs were still functioning, so they fished her out unceremoniously.
Despite the fact that she wasn’t awake, they made the point to constantly make sure to tell her that they insisted they evacuate the vessel immediately repeatedly all the while. Barely able to lift her, they drug her through the corridors, and delicately crammed her into the dearest escape pod. With the help of the other passengers, they managed to haul her into the escape pod and prop her up against the wall.
There were not many pods left.
The last of the surviving and evidently less intelligent passengers had been ushered safely into an escape pod with much effort and force. Many of them were convinced this was a show of some sort, and took flash photographs of every single moment of their exciting adventure of being pushed into their escape pods. They sipped their cocktails and murmured about how impressive the special effects were to each other.
Species of all variety were crammed in small escape ships and launched into the void. The last of the crew had been collected and together they made their hasty escape to take on an arduous task for survival.
There was, however, one crewmember left unaccounted for.
-
In the engine room, where vibrant space-age machinery hummed with ethereal glory, another mechanical pineapple was placed with delicate care. The crab beast scuttled away, its task complete. It brushed aside one of the few security androids that remained and made its way to the meeting.
A gathering of some six beasts stood in a wide circle in the abandoned bingo parlor. Their insolence knowing no bounds, they did not respect the sacred ways of bingo. Tables were upturned and card misplaced as they hurriedly conversed with one another about the fight.
“Eh. I planted mine.” The newcomer said.
“This is boring. There aren’t even any that many of those nasty tasting metal things to play with any more.” Another said sullenly. They turned to the newcomer.
“Yeah, sweet, yeah. Steven’s the only one who still needs to plant his pineapple, eh? We’ll be done then, and we can blow this dump.”
“This place sucks. None of these things taste like marshmallows. I want to leave.” Whined one of the smaller crabs.
One of the elders wriggled their teeth haughtily. “I want something that is softer. These steel thingies hurt my mouth.”
“Can we leave yet?”
“We have to wait for Steven. He needs to plant the last bomb.”
“Haven’t we planted enough yet?”
“No!” Barked the elder. “We gotta have big explosions when we leave! That’s the most fun! Hee-hee!”
They decided to spend their time breaking furniture until Steven arrived. This entertained them for all of ten minutes.
“I am done, eh.” Announced an enormous member of the beasts.
“Steven! Awesome! We’re done here. We need to tell The Biggest that we’re done.”
“You aren’t gonna.” The beast once named Steven spoke.
“Eh? Why not? Eh?”
“Because I have killed The Biggest.” It grinned maliciously, “I am now The Biggest, and you all will obey me!”
The crowd murmured amongst themselves in wonder.
“Yeah, okay.” “Sure,” And “Hokay,” Were a few of the responses. Most of them shrugged. The new The Biggest blinked in disappointment; he had expected much more controversy over the assassination.
“Hey, can I be Steven now?” One asked.
“Fine. You are now Steven.” The Biggest shrugged.
“Hey! No fair! I wanted to be Steven!” Another protested.
“Me too!”
“Too bad!” The new Steven said smugly, “Phbbbtt!”
“We are leaving now. Go and load the gummy bears onto our ship” The biggest commanded. “We need to get out of here.
“Hey, man, you were gone to go get them from the cafeteria. That’s why you volunteered!”
“Yes but that was before I became The Biggest.” The Biggest replied.
They shrugged, and several of them began to wander off to do this task before the youngest interrupted. “Hey, wait, didn’t we break our ship crashing into this thing?”
They all exchanged unnerved expressions as the revelation swept the minds of all of them. They HAD in fact obliterated their ship irreversibly by ramming it headlong into the cruise vessel. None of them were all that great at parking after all.
The horror sank in though; they had destroyed their only means of escape and had just finished planting a dozen explosive devices all throughout the ruined ship. The group wailed in terror and began to flail about in panic. There was no saving them.
-
Gunther woke up with a headache. He smelled the tart scent of laser blasts, he could sense the uneasy swaying of a damaged ship beneath his feet, and heard the ever-present sirens ringing clear throughout the ship. He took all of these things into account, and decided that he ought to put on some music because he didn’t much care for the sound of sirens.
He spent a good ten minutes looking for his Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD throughout his office, but could not find it anywhere. Battle androids marched passed his door as he searched desperately up and down the office and could find no trace of it.
So he resolved to complain about it. He booted up his office monitor console, and ran a scan for Suzy and rang her over the video intercom.
The transmission flung itself through space, and was intercepted by the respective escape pod. Gunther’s scratchy and snowy visage appeared on the monitor of the escape pod. Suzy stood to attention at once as she saw her captain’s disgruntled face and bumped her head on the low ceiling.
“Ow! Darnit! …Captain! What do you think you’re doing? Where are you?”
The garbled transmission of Gunther spoke. “Hey, Suzy, do you know where my Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD is? I can’t find it anywhere.”
“Errr—“
“Come on! I haven’t got all day!”
“Um, Captain, if you’ll notice, the ship is in distress. There are gigantic monsters lumbering about the ship and destroying everything. You should evacuate as soon as possible!”
Gunther frowned, becoming progressively more impatient. “Look, do you know where my CD is or not?”
“…No. No I do not.” Suzy blinked.
“Oh.” Gunther said gravely. “I’m very disappointed in you. You’re a lousy personal assistant if you can’t keep track of such a simple thing.”
“Captain! This was my first day on the job!”
“That’s no excuse! That CD means more to me than life itself! I wouldn’t be caught dead without my Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD! Someone might think I’m not cool! I’d just die of humiliation! Is that what you want? For me to DIE? Hmph! Insubordination!” He sneered.
“Captain! You’re in danger! Get off the ship!”
“What’s this all about now?” Gunther said, sneering quite skillfully and rapidly in the process.
Suzy took a breath, and composed herself carefully, “Sir! The ship was invaded by a legion of unidentified creatures! They ravaged the ship and killed dozens of people! Everyone has fled the vessel but you!”
“And what’s that got to do with my Ultimate Intergalactic Pop Music Hit Mix CD?” Gunther growled testily.
“ARRGGGH” Suzy cut the transmission at that.
Gunther pouted in annoyance, apparently he’d have to find it himself. Off he went, resuming his search through the wreckage of his office, and tried desperately to find his hit CD mix.
After a bit more exhaustive searching, he discovered it to have been on the floor at the foot of his desk all along. He chuckled to himself at how silly it was to not notice it sooner. He snatched it up, and stood up, seeing the pineapple on his desk that happened to be counting backwards from eight hundred and twelve.
Gunther screamed, and backed away from it. Even he recognized the explosive device before him. A POD-TF-111 bomb was sitting on his desk before him, with only a mere eight minutes of time left.
The POD-TF-111 bomb is possibly the fifth most explosive machine in all of existence. It was inventive by a rather disturbed produce grocer who grew tired of life and civilization and desired for it all to be destroyed because people wouldn’t stop eating grapes right out of bags without paying.
Shaped like a pineapple, the POD-TF-111 packs enough power to level a good deal of a city. It is a favorite weapon of fruit themed terrorists all across the universe. Despite its popularity, it is not the most destructive type of explosive in the galaxy. That happens to be shaped like a summer squash.
Gunther ran up to his wall monitor console, and desperately ran a check for any open escape-pod still on board so he could escape the ensuing explosion.
He looked away from it, frowning. So much for living a life of shame and dishonor for not going down with the ship, every single escape pod, manned or not, had either been launched exactly seven minutes ago or was inoperable. He had been forcibly pushed into the role of honorful captain.
He broke down; he could not take this. He was much too old and pretty to die now! Not now at the height of his career as a befuddled ship captain bar-fly!
He suddenly had a desperate idea. Perhaps he could fling the bomb off into the void, and save himself from the explosion. He tried desperately to claw the bomb from his desk; but it was futile, the bomb weighed some two hundred pounds and he couldn’t budge it.
Gunther slumped into his seat. Even if he fled to the other end of the ship, where he could evade the explosion itself; the ship would not last much longer without any cabin pressure. He sweat, shook, and feared, and cried.
He spent the next three minutes like this. But then, he stopped. He sat up, his cheeks red and wet from tears, now unnervingly calm. He had accepted the fact that he was going to die now, whether he liked it or not. If he was going to die, he was going to do it on his own terms.
He bent over to the bottom drawer of his desk, and pulled it wide open. Under a mess of unimportant looking paperwork and miscellaneous office doodads was a single carefully preserved Hawaiian style tie-dye shirt. It was the only one he had managed to save when his office had been forcibly made respectable.
He stripped off his uniform vest and under coat, and clothed himself in his Hawaiian style tie-dye shirt at once. Solemnly, he marched out of his office, and into the depths of the ship.
He strolled out onto the main deck, where epic battles were waged between the surviving black beasts and security androids in the back ground. Gunther ignored them utterly, and casually strolled through the ship with a single objective in mind.
He approached one of the many drink bars found aboard the ship, and fixed himself a tiki drink.
He returned to his office somberly, and took up his music CD, which he put into his wall monitor console. He sat at his desk and immersed himself to today’s favorite pop-music hits until the sirens were drowned out. He sipped his tiki drink and put his feet up on his desk. His face was still struck with a sullen despair at his soon extinguished life.
He watched the pineapple beyond his feet slowly count down to zero.
3:00
He drank his drink, listening to his favorite tunes, and tried to forget things if but for a moment, but the suspense and worry he could not escape.
He finished his drink.
2:00
This was rather inconvenient. He couldn’t exactly make another trek out to get a refill. He didn’t have time to return and savor his music, or be on time to experience the explosion at point blank range. Darn the luck. This just wasn’t his day.
1:30
Well this was certainly tedious, he thought. He didn’t have a drink, and now his existence was pure misery. How was he going to pass the time until his ultimate demise?
1:29
1:28
1:27
He drummed his fingers idly, as the music played. It was beginning to get on his nerves, but he endured as best he could for another minute.
0:26
As death became imminent, Gunther wondered if he could have spent his final minutes doing something more productive. He didn’t know what, but he figured there could have been something. He could have prayed. He could have pleaded for the cosmos at large to spare him. He could have done something besides brood over his drink.
0:16
He could have done something before. …But upon a bit more reflection, he wondered why he couldn’t do something now. There was still time for, something. Anything.
0:10
He watched the bomb.
0:05
0:04
0:03
0:02
0:01
He wondered if he’d left the oven on at home at his apartment.
0:00
The continuation of Pineapple of Destruction because DA has a naughty word limit.
© 2005 - 2025 Mewd
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love it