Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
About Deviant CaiUnknown Groups :iconchurch-of-freddie: Church-of-Freddie
Recent Activity
Deviant for 9 Years
Needs Core Membership
Statistics 331 Deviations 22,171 Comments 34,012 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

the leaves of my heart can fall away too
my chest knocks
but no one answers;
on lonely nights i
write you into poems
and you,
foggy-eyed and
morningmad and silent,
look at me like something you could love
and walk away.
at dawn i’ll
hold my heart above the sink
like splitting pomegranate,
feel your weight inside my lungs
as a scream;
i tried to pull the dark from your eyes
and make a sky of it,
breathe you full of love-stars
before summer’s end
but i saw that lewd hand of autumn
grab a fistful of tree
and yank the head back,
scattering hair.
each crunching leaf sends me into shivers-
(such a relief for the heart
to hear something else breaking.)
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 74 51
if this all falls to pieces-
driving just
knocks the breath from me-
highways like country veins;
i would love to shrink
blood-cell small and
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 18 15
worry is just worry until it aches
“what if” is where madmen die
curled up like cordwood-
i curl like
the death of a forest,
clutching a universe of loose ends
in my sweaty fists
night by night
i fall into bed just to start tying-
a spinster creating stories to
make myself ache
i cut my losses,
rock myself to sleep
swearing i could love enough
for two-
for you
i'd ease the burden of being mine:
don't worry about loving me, alright?
take my heart
and come inside.
(sleeplessness kicks these eyes
black and blue.)
i have learned that sadness
is unlovable
and by extension
so am I,
this sickly, shaking heart,
the brain that reacts and overreacts
and tears itself apart
(we write about what hurts us most
and maybe
maybe this is why my poems
are about love)
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 12 21
side effects include dizziness
they’ve lied to us:
for $14.82
i can get
a thirty-day subscription
to not wanting to die
twenty-two years of sad and
i’m just now learning that
for some
living doesn't ache
like regaining feeling
from the cold
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 14 12
prurient fingers pinch and poke
oh spring i pity you
those philosophers’ fingers,
their gaping mouths devouring the honeysuckle sweetness
of your dawns-
i cry for you, sister-season,
for i too have known the prurience of
balding philosophers, i too
have felt the sweetness pulled from my
that hand with dirty knuckles,
a bee bouncing from flower to unwilling flower,
pinning them against the wind,
pressing pollen to their faces
spring you are cold in mo(u)rning
hot in afternoon
spring it’s okay to take a moment to understand
that forgiveness won’t come easy,
the stains of love are hard to fade
and while your beauty was intoxicating
it wasn’t your fault for getting him drunk
oh spring,
in the chillest of your nights
remember this:
as you die again in winter,
so will the memory
of his hands
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 12 19
a kaleidoscope is just broken glass
tonight i’ll pull myself up from the roots
and try to
untangle the mess of me-
the beating, shoestring guts,
the weight of a fat heart
bursting with
the cancer of love
i’ve ached to be kaleidoscopic
but each time i shatter
it’s like carcass smashed through fender,
meat heaving from the bone-
it’s like the silence after “I love you,”
all hitched-breath quiet
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 21 11
no answer still means never
i’ve been up to my knees in river since you left
and honestly the cold’s numbed everything-
even the stars have winked to hush me
though the howls keep tearing through;
i wonder
how much sadness you can fit
into a paper throat
before it dissolves.
it’s been weeks since i’ve drawn enough breath
or reached out to touch a human hand:
i think i will rot here
sandwiched between grass and sky,
the weight of maybe
crushing this chest
until it bursts.
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 67 44
cities crumble slower than words
and you are the jaw-crushing love
i always wanted,
nights spent grinding teeth
against my uncondition;
(isn’t love a way of growing,
don’t i stretch over countries when i'm with you?)
but this is not a love poem.
i burden time with heaviness,
bending minutes into folds of blankets,
tunneling to sleep;
i once had energy for flying,
arching back against the wind-
when i was braver i might leap,
arms flashing
until my body thumped against the sand.
i think i want to open hands into steel,
into concrete,
in lieu of words i want to
sweat-strain against limestone:
i have written too much for people
who don’t understand.
but if i built you cities instead of poems,
could your lighthouse heart burn for me?
the early humans built temples for their gods;
i too believe
i've become so lonely. 
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 16 11
not lady enough to be lady lazarus
look mom and dad i’ve made it to twenty-two
and all i have to show for it is this emptiness,
all this space where nights spent unloved
carved out hollows in my chest i stuffed with dreams-
(people with gentle smiles
who from my bed’s edge
told me i was not so broken)

i dreamt until hunger
stole the spark from my eyes to build a flame
and melt fat off these bones,
(more hollows to be filled by hands and hearts)

waking has been a burden for as long as i can remember
but i wake all the same and thrash arms against the sinking;
i dragged myself across the world to reclaim me
but found more souls to be taken in and taken care of,
just dripped my wax core across countries
to learn that a heart unloved where it was born
will not be loved where it is still a stranger,
that even i who collects broken souls
will not touch my own for fear of shattering.
mom and dad i’ve made it to twenty-two
and all i have to show for it is sadness:
i walk nights when dark
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 17 13
butterfly cousin
paling with the shame of losing your way,
each light could be your home
but isn’t,
each honey-tongued butterfly
dances in sunshine
while you shrink and shatter
in the dark,
nights spent hefting weight against
fluorescent hearts,
begging one to split and swallow you,
aching for a sun in anything
bright enough to see.
moth-girl, butterfly cousin,
they will always love you less
than you love them;
you will be caught reaching
just as they are pulling back their hands.
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 14 24
Icelandic Midnight by Mercury-the-Queen Icelandic Midnight :iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 5 5 Icelandic Swimming Pool by Mercury-the-Queen Icelandic Swimming Pool :iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 7 5
the year is
a study in sadness,
how dishes
pile up like bones,
how tangled hair
stays fairy-knotting-
i splay small
across this bed
my hands
are quite like your hands,
but empty-
your fingers roving paper skin
while i still search
for something to push pens to;
he held me in dark like cocooning,
like shadow without promise of
sun or storm
and when i struggled
oh how the hook set deep-
in the pit of my belly,
all growing-child
and salmon roe
nestled in my ribs;
but this one came with
empty mouth
and wet palms
“i can shed death like a skin”
he told me
and i gulped vodka from the bottle,
said “i’m listening”
and took off my clothes;
there is no darkness
blacker than love,
i am the kind of small
that you want to
cross thumbs into
choke out,
a moon-girl yearning quiet
for the end of her phase.
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 17 10
Valentina by Mercury-the-Queen Valentina :iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 7 20
the first stone was a pebble, whore of babylon,
that you refused to take too gently
between your teeth
he pressed flowers in your face
to say “swallow,”
hands bursting with color
you cried out
but gravel fell from open lips
and weighed you down
his mouth broke
one by one
your blood vessels
but you loved until
you liked the bruise-
(proof you could
keep him in one place
long enough to leave a mark)
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 65 36
this was written for a mistake
you cracked my ribcage down its center
and breathed out stars and sky
to fill that rotting-space beneath:
i am pulling my body open piece by piece,
carving places for planets,
pulling gravity against my cheekbones as i
fall asleep;
(i'm hanging stars inside my eyes
so that when you look at me
i feel a little more like home,)
i come to you with the moon
tucked between my thighs:
you lap her light and go back
i drive away
coughing stardust in my palms,
the wide world stretching out before me
into night;
i believe that we have lived more than one life
in each other’s arms
(isn’t it funny how you can cut one of us
and both of us will bleed)
here i am learning which is the best way to love you
and where i can place my fingers to make your body sing
i am watching your chest rise and fall with aching
as the eyes above you stare you down-
maybe your adoration of the sky is your soul’s way of searching
for a god who could hold you in his palm and say
i’m proud,
:iconmercury-the-queen:Mercury-the-Queen 12 8


Mature content
like talking to a wall. :iconpansydiv:pansydiv 23 20
dear katie bouman
dear katie bouman:
everyone i know has space fever.
they’re circulating that picture we wouldn’t have without you –
sending it to each other on group chat
uploading it on their social media
buying newspapers with it on the front page
                 pretty marvellous that
            you can use science to prove these things exist
                                                  everywhere, even in places
                               we couldn’t see them before.
       would you call a black hole a miracle or a disaster?
black holes are cool, like
         burning a hole right through the ace of hearts
or dropping a cigarette through a car
:iconpansydiv:pansydiv 76 30
not just a river in Egypt
so what
if it is
I think about
at sunsets
or that I've learned
to love
your hands
at a distance
if I've been
clumsy cartography
of your constellations
fingers crossed
for a future
that finds you
keeping crossed
even if
I'm not in it
so what
:iconyouinventedme:YouInventedMe 104 44
cowboys in space.
nowhere to begin this poem because
it’s too big. i would collect
every fuckin’ four leaf clover for you,
braid them into a flower crown and
place this circlet of bastardized good luck
gingerly on the top of your head, like a halo.
it’s funny how pretty flowers grow in the gutter.
funny how my city, your small town
have always wanted to gut us,
wanted to devour us whole.
nowhere to put my love. not enough money
for the plane tickets. my darling angel, if i lived
in the same country as you did, we would conquer,
rent an apartment together. work as cashiers in the day
or something, i don’t know. we’d make an escape plan
together. we’d pretend to be cowboys
in the quiet of the night, something about the wild west
and the soft stillness of things holding their breath
i would tell you about the girl i loved, how she broke my heart
when i was 16. illuminated by the light of streetlamps
we would discuss pretty things. do you want to save
:iconpansydiv:pansydiv 69 30
how many summers did you spend
couched in west virginia?
street smitten, sore legged
pacing the fence of adolescent mess
in mountain’s maw, raining angel’s ash,
the absolute heat death of july
forever finding homes
in someone’s sister’s basement,
curled in a messy bedroom,
growing pains in your shins
getting taller couldn’t relieve
against grainy adult swim shock toons
estrogenic mall musk and slurpee vomit
mom going on and on
about some lie you told, or didn’t
as if you culled the children to the cellar
and beat them before you were born,
as if you were a songless canary
in a coal mine collapsing
do you still wish you were fifteen?
at fifteen you wished to be dead;
snuffed out in a ceramic las vegas ashtray
buried by excavator in mineral county’s deepest quarry,
never wise enough to know
the way home always is longer
than the way back
:iconhypnicjerks:hypnicjerks 28 14
i made a video!
yeah, it's for my coming out poem. hope y'all enjoy, and be sure to subscribe / tell your friends if you liked it! 
(yes, it is intentionally lowfi, and no, this is not how you should put on your make-up.) 
anyway. love u guys, rlly hope u love this little burst of vulnerability that i decided to put on the internet, , , ,  
:iconpansydiv:pansydiv 3 25
untitled 28
our lives are defined
every line that we speak
the words are willing
but the grammar is weak
:iconyouinventedme:YouInventedMe 30 18


Mercury-the-Queen's Profile Picture



Add a Comment:
hypnicjerks Featured By Owner 2 hours ago
thank you so much for suggesting my poem for a DD!
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the :+fav: on not just a river in Egypt. <3
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Thank ya much for the :+fav: and the very kind words on I'll show myself out.
Mercury-the-Queen Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2019
You're very welcome! <3
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the :+fav: on better luck next time. <3

Looking forward to seeing something new from you.
Mercury-the-Queen Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2019
You're so welcome! 

I'm in a bit of a dry spell lately, but I had some inspiration yesterday so we'll see where that leads!
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Mar 23, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for all the little stars. It means a lot. :heart:
Mercury-the-Queen Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2019
You're so very welcome <3
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much for the :+fav: on a gift of breadcrumbs. :hug:
Add a Comment: