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Okay. I really need to get this off my chest. Cuz I thought I could just move on from these things. Sometimes I go take a shower to just think some stuff. Typically these are happy silly random thoughts. Other times I could think about more serious things but I'd always be able to either address them in my head or push it aside. Now there are some things that have been happening recently that I couldn't help but think about them. Turning what was suppose to be a relaxing shower to a tug on my heart. Before I get to what broke the camel's back I want to bring up another thing.

A while back my father went to jail for selling jerseys if I recall correctly. So I wasn't able to see him for a while and that was sad. I love my dad and I know I should spend more time with him but often didn't. Partly because we are vastly different people but also because I feel like a disappointment to him. Anyway he got out and was talking about moving to a different city because it'd be cheaper. I didn't think anything about it at the time but now I can't help but wonder if that is the real reason. I saw my father briefly when he visited to see my younger brother. And it was odd.

My father was a fat average sized mexican with a beer gut. Which shouldn't come as a surprise since he used to be an alcoholic back before I was born. Hell my parents met at an AA meeting. He also had dark grey hair with a beard and mustache combo. His beard was why I ultimately decided I wanted to get one for myself. Then I saw him and he looked skinny. And not like healthy skinny or working out skinny. There was still clearly fat there but it looked like he shrank. And he had this awful splash of black dye on parts of his beard that just look plain awful. My father was in the navy so he had them big navy type arms (he had an anchor tattoo) and to see them as this withered things was weird. When I hugged him what once felt like a strong tight embrace felt lifeless. At the time it reminded me of a similar experience but I pushed it down at the time.

To go off on a tangent growing up I had an uncle who was a bum. He suffered (and I'm pretty sure he still is alive so most likely still suffering) from schizophrenia. And he'd sometimes stop by my grandma's house to visit. And he was a very loving uncle always giving hugs and whatnot. The weird thing was despite everything I think he was my favorite uncle. I always felt sad seeing him because I wondered if we could've been close if he wasn't so far gone. Even now it breaks my heart a little. And hugging my father felt like that. Though my father is nowhere near as mentally gone as my uncle.

There is another thing about my father but before I go into that I want to bring up something else. Kinda because it is relevant to the other thing. Back in the tail end of February my older sister got married to her boyfriend. They hadn't been together long but I attended to support her. Heck even my older brother and other older sister came (technically half siblings to me and not to my sister who is also a half sibling but they did visit every now and again so they were still siblings to us regardless). Before my sister arrived I went outside with my father, older brother, and younger brother. Apparently my father wanted to smoke which didn't surprise me. He was always smoking since I was little. During this little talk my father was commenting how they all looked a bit different. My father looked skinny , my older brother who was previously fit being in the navy got a bit fat, and my younger brother had also gained a bit of weight. I joked that even though I was fat at least I was consistent. We laughed at that. The wedding was okay but I didn't attend the reception. I'm not into parties and I worry about the dogs we left at our home. 

Shortly after that wedding my father was talking to my younger brother about visiting our older brother. They finally did so last week. And I was able to get some alone time for a few days. It was relaxing because to be frank I hate my younger brother. Lets just say he caused a lot of pain to my parents and being around him can occasionally make me mad. I genuinely believe I'd be happier as far away from him as possible. I hate referring to him as brother because I don't want any of the warmth of that word to be associated with him but it is just easier to do so. So the idea of him leaving was a good thing. And for a time it was a really nice experience.

I'd hear a thing or two from my mother about what happened on their trip to see my older brother. Apparently they were in the back of a truck or something on the ride there which is something my father has never done before. Whenever we'd go he'd drive or take a plane. Making me glad I didn't go with them. But what kinda made me sad and disappointed and hurt was being told he drank. And I know it might sound stupid. But in all my life my father never drank. He never did drugs. Sure he smoked but that didn't impair his faculties too much. Sure he had on occasion took too many pain pills but that was because he had several surgeries his back. I couldn't imagine the constant pain he must have been in. I couldn't judge him for that. But he's on the road with my brother and he's FREAKING DRUNK! 

I'm not saying my father was some kind of saint. He wasn't the best dad that anybody could ask for. In fact one time when I was in high school he took too many pills and his reaction time was so slow he bumped into this car on the highway. Luckily it wasn't anything serious but I did get a bit startled by it. I legitimately thought of getting out of the car and calling someone else to take me to school. So I guess I shouldn't be completely surprised but again I can understand the pill thing. I can't understand the drinking. And even then recently my mother has been telling me over and over my father wasn't exactly the best husband to have. But to be frank I always took that with a grain of salt since my mother never seemed to be the perfect wife either. Now with his drinking, and possibly doing freaking meth (my mother having been around people who did it in the past seems to think he shows symptoms of it). I always felt to some extent I could respect my dad. That I could believe he was a good husband and a father. That things just didn't click with my mother. But now I'm not so sure. And that breaks my heart. It truly does. 

But now there is the other thing. Like I said my sister got married to this guy. And back in march we learned that she was pregnant. Which my mother tried to make me guess for fun and I just played dumb to her annoyance. Which was a lot of fun. Heck when next I saw my sister I told her how I trolled our mother. It was so much fun. And she seemed truly happy. I know my mom was. She always talked about wanting kids when I was at least in high school. And I'm pretty sure before then. She'd always joke about how she'd take the kids and raise them as her own. 

There seem to be problems. My sister had some odd period thing. I think she was still bleeding or something. I overheard my mother talk to her so I didn't get the full details. Not deliberately I kinda got my bed in the living room of our apartment since there was no room else to put it where we live. And then this weekend my sister went to see a doctor. My mother went with to be with her. And it seems my sister might have a miscarriage. I guess all the signs are there or something.

Hearing that I felt sad at first but I kinda moved on. I guess it just hit me today when I saw my mother cry about it. My mother's first pregnancy was a miscarriage of twins. So she'd always tell us when we were younger (her being a christian and all) that we had older brothers. It was cool as a kid. I think at one time I even thought something like well that's why she had me and my younger brother instead. We were sort of her second chance. Kinda funny since we were like a year and a half apart. The point being I know this kinda thing can weigh on somebody for a very long time after it happens. There was no reason for her to tell us about the twins. That happened even before my sister was BORN. It was so long ago. And now my sister will have to deal with the same pain.

My mother told me my sister always wanted a kid for the longest time and I can believe it. Because when I was born my mother told me that my sister was so happy and excited to meet her brother. So the idea of it isn't far fetched. Heck my sister kinda acted like a second mother to me and my younger brother. Since my parents divorced and my mother had to work my sister would sometimes have to take care of us. Typically she'd be the one to take us to our school or make us food. I wonder if part of that was her desire to be a mom. And when she finally gets the chance it is ripped from her.

Things felt like they were going well. My father was getting out of jail and I could see him again. My sister was pregnant with her husband and was so excited. I got to have some alone time. I was talking to my best friend about going to watch Avengers Endgame (he went with another friend to see Infinity War so I wasn't about to let him pull that again). I mean even when the freaking cardboard tossing happened it couldn't sour my mood. It always feels like whenever something good happens around me pain follows shortly after. And now I'm just sad. 

Alright I think I got my venting out. The weight on my chest feels a bit lighter so that's something I guess. Hopefully I can go to sleep now and not be kept up by these thoughts.
So today was kinda weird. Recently my mother bought this pink pc for herself. She needed it to do some college homework so she could just stay home rather than going to the school to do it. She also got a wireless pink mouse to go with it. Apparently she didn't leave the dongle in and she was complaining about using the touchpad. 

I figured I had a wireless mouse I wasn't using. Like my mother I wasn't thrilled at using a touchpad but I kinda just got over it and stopped using the mouse. Why not let her use it? But here's the thing I forgot where the dongle for my mouse was. so I grabbed a dongle that was in my laptop thinking it was to the mouse. 

I fiddled with my mother's computer plugging the thing in. And once it was clear the mouse wasn't working I tried to remove it. Only for the dongle to break. With part of it staying in the USB port. It was a problem with the computer. It was really tough to plug usbs in it. And then AFTER when I gave up and decided to go back to my computer I realized the dongle I took off wasn't for my  mouse but my wireless keyboard. The keyboard I needed since my laptop one kinda died on me. So my mom had to go and get a different computer and get me a new keyboard.

After that we drove home. And not like lets say two or three minutes from home I'm relaxing in the car like I averagely do. I tend to look to the side cuz I have these paranoid thoughts if I look in front of myself in a car. Also I get queasy in cars. So my mom is driving and next thing I know I hear someone and something nearly hit my head. Apparently this group of preteens or early teens (according to my mother she say like 8 of them) were holding this cardboard sign trying to direct traffic or something and they just decided to throw it at our car. Luckily it hit my side of the car and not the front of it. That would've been much worse. Course my mom was angry all the same. Especially when one of the kids came back to the scene of the crime and called her a bitch when she demanded where their parents were. 

The fact both of these things happened in the same day I can't help but kinda laugh at it. I mean my bumbling with the keyboard and mouse. And then with this unexpected cardboard sign throwing. It is just so weird to me. Especially having to grow up hearing how there were gang shootings happening around my high school from time to time. Now I just envision those shootings being people tossing cardboard signs at one another. 
Figured I should probably do a journal each month to keep myself on track. I like having a record of what I've done so far. A good mix of "yay I did it!" and "Eh I haven't done it yet".

1. Write every day. 

I managed to do this every day. Though to be fair I did write more character bio stuff and journal entries than stories. But considering this is the start of the new year I count that as a win. I probably will continue to do the journal entries throughout the year. 

2. Get a job.

Sadly I wasn't able to do that resolution yet. I didn't even get as much as an interview. But my parents told me not to stress too much about it. It is still a bit of a bummer. But I guess that's why it is a New YEAR resolution and not just a new MONTH resolution, eh?

3. Go out more.

Eh I kinda did this. I went to the theater several times in January. Especially Dragonball Super Broly. Which lucky for me had a theater within walking distance from where I live. I also got to go out with my few friends once or twice. So that was fun. 

4. Use Discord more. 

I kinda started to. But then I kinda ended up focusing solely on job hunting or relaxing from job hunting. Guess I gotta do that more.

5. Spend more time with friends

Eh. I didn't spend as much time as I'd like. But I did get to see them at all. Which is always a win in my book.

6. Have one of my favorite pizzas each month at least. 

Check. 

7. Finalize backstories of characters.

I wrote up a lot of characters backstories. Though I still gotta iron out some stuff. And I'll probably change some of them. But at least I got the gist of them down. That is progress. Slow progress but still progress.

8. Cook more. 

Spaghetti. I can cook Spaghetti now. Kinda.

9. Call grandmother more.

Check. Also I gotta remember to stop by her house to say hi. I'd have to do it briefly but I'm sure she'd appreciate the thought. Plus it'd feel good to hug my grandma again.

10. Read More.

I read more chapters of manga I like. Though when I get the money I should read some books.

11. Commission some artists for things.

Need a job to do that. 

12. Lastly take a short walk every day.

I did it. And I'm glad I did. It is nice to walk. It clears my mind. It gives me a nice feeling of isolation from the world. Even though I'm in the world for the short walk more than in my home. 

All in all not a terrible first month. There is room for improvement but still this was good. The only regret I have is I couldn't think of puns for any of my reflections on my goals. Maybe I should make a February resolution to make puns for those reflections? Or would it technically be a march resolution? I'll sleep on that. 
Totally forgot to put this here. Welp better late than never.  

1. Write every day. 

I tried to do this one last year and for a time I was doing it. But then some things happened and I lost my motivation. But I'm ready to try it again.

2. Get a job.

I really need this one. 

3. Go out more.

GRRRR.

4. Use Discord more. 

I got a dang discord and I never use it. Kinda a waste.

5. Spend more time with friends

Always nice to hit them with puns. It fills me with so much joy.

6. Have one of my favorite pizzas each month at least. 

Wanted one resolution to treat myself. And considering I like pizza why not spoil myself with the best kinda pizza every month?! 

7. Finalize backstories of characters.

By Finalize I mean fully write them up. I got basic ideas of all these characters but I gotta make them a lot more concrete. 

8. Cook more. 

Never hurts to know how to cook. 

9. Call grandmother more.

I love my grandma. And she is old. So I want to make sure she knows I care.

10. Read More.

If I'm gonna write more gotta read more.

11. Commission some artists for things.

This will require that job. But eh. It will be worth it.

12. Lastly take a short walk every day.

I don't wanna....But I really gotta do it.

Today I wrote, took that walk, and called my grandma (she really liked it too). So I like to think that's a good start to the year.
Okay. I really need to get this off my chest. Cuz I thought I could just move on from these things. Sometimes I go take a shower to just think some stuff. Typically these are happy silly random thoughts. Other times I could think about more serious things but I'd always be able to either address them in my head or push it aside. Now there are some things that have been happening recently that I couldn't help but think about them. Turning what was suppose to be a relaxing shower to a tug on my heart. Before I get to what broke the camel's back I want to bring up another thing.

A while back my father went to jail for selling jerseys if I recall correctly. So I wasn't able to see him for a while and that was sad. I love my dad and I know I should spend more time with him but often didn't. Partly because we are vastly different people but also because I feel like a disappointment to him. Anyway he got out and was talking about moving to a different city because it'd be cheaper. I didn't think anything about it at the time but now I can't help but wonder if that is the real reason. I saw my father briefly when he visited to see my younger brother. And it was odd.

My father was a fat average sized mexican with a beer gut. Which shouldn't come as a surprise since he used to be an alcoholic back before I was born. Hell my parents met at an AA meeting. He also had dark grey hair with a beard and mustache combo. His beard was why I ultimately decided I wanted to get one for myself. Then I saw him and he looked skinny. And not like healthy skinny or working out skinny. There was still clearly fat there but it looked like he shrank. And he had this awful splash of black dye on parts of his beard that just look plain awful. My father was in the navy so he had them big navy type arms (he had an anchor tattoo) and to see them as this withered things was weird. When I hugged him what once felt like a strong tight embrace felt lifeless. At the time it reminded me of a similar experience but I pushed it down at the time.

To go off on a tangent growing up I had an uncle who was a bum. He suffered (and I'm pretty sure he still is alive so most likely still suffering) from schizophrenia. And he'd sometimes stop by my grandma's house to visit. And he was a very loving uncle always giving hugs and whatnot. The weird thing was despite everything I think he was my favorite uncle. I always felt sad seeing him because I wondered if we could've been close if he wasn't so far gone. Even now it breaks my heart a little. And hugging my father felt like that. Though my father is nowhere near as mentally gone as my uncle.

There is another thing about my father but before I go into that I want to bring up something else. Kinda because it is relevant to the other thing. Back in the tail end of February my older sister got married to her boyfriend. They hadn't been together long but I attended to support her. Heck even my older brother and other older sister came (technically half siblings to me and not to my sister who is also a half sibling but they did visit every now and again so they were still siblings to us regardless). Before my sister arrived I went outside with my father, older brother, and younger brother. Apparently my father wanted to smoke which didn't surprise me. He was always smoking since I was little. During this little talk my father was commenting how they all looked a bit different. My father looked skinny , my older brother who was previously fit being in the navy got a bit fat, and my younger brother had also gained a bit of weight. I joked that even though I was fat at least I was consistent. We laughed at that. The wedding was okay but I didn't attend the reception. I'm not into parties and I worry about the dogs we left at our home. 

Shortly after that wedding my father was talking to my younger brother about visiting our older brother. They finally did so last week. And I was able to get some alone time for a few days. It was relaxing because to be frank I hate my younger brother. Lets just say he caused a lot of pain to my parents and being around him can occasionally make me mad. I genuinely believe I'd be happier as far away from him as possible. I hate referring to him as brother because I don't want any of the warmth of that word to be associated with him but it is just easier to do so. So the idea of him leaving was a good thing. And for a time it was a really nice experience.

I'd hear a thing or two from my mother about what happened on their trip to see my older brother. Apparently they were in the back of a truck or something on the ride there which is something my father has never done before. Whenever we'd go he'd drive or take a plane. Making me glad I didn't go with them. But what kinda made me sad and disappointed and hurt was being told he drank. And I know it might sound stupid. But in all my life my father never drank. He never did drugs. Sure he smoked but that didn't impair his faculties too much. Sure he had on occasion took too many pain pills but that was because he had several surgeries his back. I couldn't imagine the constant pain he must have been in. I couldn't judge him for that. But he's on the road with my brother and he's FREAKING DRUNK! 

I'm not saying my father was some kind of saint. He wasn't the best dad that anybody could ask for. In fact one time when I was in high school he took too many pills and his reaction time was so slow he bumped into this car on the highway. Luckily it wasn't anything serious but I did get a bit startled by it. I legitimately thought of getting out of the car and calling someone else to take me to school. So I guess I shouldn't be completely surprised but again I can understand the pill thing. I can't understand the drinking. And even then recently my mother has been telling me over and over my father wasn't exactly the best husband to have. But to be frank I always took that with a grain of salt since my mother never seemed to be the perfect wife either. Now with his drinking, and possibly doing freaking meth (my mother having been around people who did it in the past seems to think he shows symptoms of it). I always felt to some extent I could respect my dad. That I could believe he was a good husband and a father. That things just didn't click with my mother. But now I'm not so sure. And that breaks my heart. It truly does. 

But now there is the other thing. Like I said my sister got married to this guy. And back in march we learned that she was pregnant. Which my mother tried to make me guess for fun and I just played dumb to her annoyance. Which was a lot of fun. Heck when next I saw my sister I told her how I trolled our mother. It was so much fun. And she seemed truly happy. I know my mom was. She always talked about wanting kids when I was at least in high school. And I'm pretty sure before then. She'd always joke about how she'd take the kids and raise them as her own. 

There seem to be problems. My sister had some odd period thing. I think she was still bleeding or something. I overheard my mother talk to her so I didn't get the full details. Not deliberately I kinda got my bed in the living room of our apartment since there was no room else to put it where we live. And then this weekend my sister went to see a doctor. My mother went with to be with her. And it seems my sister might have a miscarriage. I guess all the signs are there or something.

Hearing that I felt sad at first but I kinda moved on. I guess it just hit me today when I saw my mother cry about it. My mother's first pregnancy was a miscarriage of twins. So she'd always tell us when we were younger (her being a christian and all) that we had older brothers. It was cool as a kid. I think at one time I even thought something like well that's why she had me and my younger brother instead. We were sort of her second chance. Kinda funny since we were like a year and a half apart. The point being I know this kinda thing can weigh on somebody for a very long time after it happens. There was no reason for her to tell us about the twins. That happened even before my sister was BORN. It was so long ago. And now my sister will have to deal with the same pain.

My mother told me my sister always wanted a kid for the longest time and I can believe it. Because when I was born my mother told me that my sister was so happy and excited to meet her brother. So the idea of it isn't far fetched. Heck my sister kinda acted like a second mother to me and my younger brother. Since my parents divorced and my mother had to work my sister would sometimes have to take care of us. Typically she'd be the one to take us to our school or make us food. I wonder if part of that was her desire to be a mom. And when she finally gets the chance it is ripped from her.

Things felt like they were going well. My father was getting out of jail and I could see him again. My sister was pregnant with her husband and was so excited. I got to have some alone time. I was talking to my best friend about going to watch Avengers Endgame (he went with another friend to see Infinity War so I wasn't about to let him pull that again). I mean even when the freaking cardboard tossing happened it couldn't sour my mood. It always feels like whenever something good happens around me pain follows shortly after. And now I'm just sad. 

Alright I think I got my venting out. The weight on my chest feels a bit lighter so that's something I guess. Hopefully I can go to sleep now and not be kept up by these thoughts.

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:iconnevera573:
Nevera573 Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2019  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the Fav 
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edjarit-117 Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the fav~
Ayano Tateyama (Bows) [V12] Ayano Tateyama (Smile) [V4] 

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Closer-arts Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2019  Professional Digital Artist
Capa Twi Tumblr Cpia Cpia by Closer-arts  
Thank you for the watch and helping my profile grow! I really appreciate it!
I hope you'll continue to enjoy and support my art! <3
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NevaViArt Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2019   Digital Artist
Thank you for the watch, it means a lot to me dancing-cat emoji

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coresix Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2019  Hobbyist Artist
thx for the favs!
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Banner Watch by jennylizmanga

and your support, have a great Day! Kawaii Grin Face Emoji 
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Mit-boy Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2019  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you very much for the watch!
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thanks for the fave and
happy new year!!
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