(Update's at the bottom)
Sorry but I just feel I need to vent a little. Been not so ok, yet also ok at the same time. It's basically that I was planning to make a bunch of changes this year, overall, in life offline, and for doing stuff with my content online. Yet despite all these.... I just feel like by now I've hit a bit of a brick wall. Like, those changes I want to make, things out of my control just don't want me to get anywhere. Here's what I've been trying so far this year.
New PC: I think I brought this up, but if not, I have purchased a custom-built Dell XPS 8930 pc that arrived in January. It unfortunately continued to overheat under load to very unsafe temperatures and after the first week, it just started to go even further downhill in performance. Even so, it has this issue where trying to capture microphone audio caused a bunch of static to form.
Employment: I think I might be screwed out of this one for a long time. I used to be employed but I chose to resign due to pretty much being treated unfairly. Not like being abused or forced to work in poor conditions, but rather, like how I feel right now, I wasn't getting anywhere with that job and everyone else was. I wasn't being given a chance to do more or get more hours. In fact, it's because they were hiring more part timers WITH those hours that drew the line. Who wants to bet they were actually glad to be rid of me? .... anyway, that has nothing to really do with it as that was back in 2017. I had landed a volunteer position elsewhere while job searching nearly 2 months ago. (it was so I had another reference point for if I did find something.) I was forced to resign due to two factors. Two shifts in, I had that sick episode where I had blood coming out when I had to go, forcing me to miss a LOT of my scheduled shifts. (We still think it was food poisoning that caused it) The other reason was since I'm still unable to drive myself legally, (or in general) I can't really get around considering I don't live within city limits. In other words, most of the time, I'm pretty much stranded at home with near zero chance to get out and do something. Heck, I can't even get time to go out to practice driving. This is by far the biggest part of the brick wall here.
Art: I might be getting a little better, but I feel like when I try to improve or try things different, it doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. At this point, it doesn't feel like I can enjoy doing pics anymore, it gets too... well, more like monotonous work. Moreso when you do something for someone and they treat you and it like crap when you went out of your way to do it, even if it's something or someone they really like. This was more or less the trigger for this, as I've been attempting to work with that old Huion tablet. I got that one really good pic out of it back in 2017 but back then, I didn't have my pc's current issues, which I STILL say that Steam Link device damaged it somehow. Anyway, now it's been giving me a bit of trouble when I attempt to use it. It lags a lot at the start of using it, I can't use the proper drivers for it, and the receiver seems to do something to just utterly cripple my pc by slowing EVERYTHING when plugged in. (I have it plugged in directly) I really want to enjoy it cause I'm finally getting to my OC updates and redesigns too. There's also the fact that I refuse to put my actual pics on here cause this place sucks ass just like Shi--, I mean, Twitter.
Youtube: Let's face it, I'm pretty sure my channel should have been considered dead after Shantae and the Pirate's Curse back in 2015 when I got my XPS 8700. I even wonder if I'm gonna be getting anywhere with it now. Heck, I'm partially amazed I don't have a bunch of toxic idiots telling me my shit sucks and to off myself considering how everyone acts online the past few years. (I am serious, I've seen some vids where people commented with actual threats) I've wanted to do more, but nowadays, if you don't have a speed higher than 5 Mbps or a cult following since before 2010, you can't do pretty much anything worth getting views. *insert me being salty here* I was never after getting somewhere as big as youtube celeb status, but at least more than averaging 1-3 views. I can't even do Twitch cause of how my location isn't allowed any good online, and I really do want to have Twitch and stream games alongside recording playthroughs. To make content to share online and have others check it out and enjoy it, to make stuff that says "I made this and I hope you enjoy the effort I put into it."
Ok, I think I've gotten my ranting out of the way. I've hit a wall, I want to push through it, but while I want to, I have to get that chance to, which I haven't had one at all since 2018 started. I almost wanted to say that I hit pretty much the lowest in my life, but it hasn't hit wildfire season yet so I don't know if it's yet to come or not. But I have this uneasy feeling that it will happen. But for now, hitting a brick wall is about the best I can put how I'm feeling life is going right now.
(Update): Welp, I just found out my tablet drivers were giving my pc a little trouble now too. I started getting some slowdown and error pop-ups after my last few attempts. Unplugged it and everything was fine. So looks like I hit another snag. Great.... I guess I'm stuck with my current method right now until I absolutely have to purchase a new pc.
*insert toxic comments about me being a whiny brat or something offensive here*