Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my anxiety when it comes to art and I think I fucking realized.
Not like, right now, nah, I think I've already known this but the thought felt so untouchable and unspeakable.
The thing is, when I told you about the lies I built my whole world on, it included my art as well.
So, from last October I've been constantly working on that part and I learned that photography wasn't the closest to my heart.
I think I mostly needed photography because:
1. I don't really like time consuming stuff ~ but drawing and writing are pretty time consuming most of the time.
2. I was obsessed with how I look and how others would see me and so self-portraits happened.
On the way, I started to love photography 'for the wrong reasons'.
Because I'd use it for vain reasons not because I focused on trying to finally love myself, instead I was hiding the parts I didn't like and showed what I thought people would like.
On the other hand, I'm really grateful for all the support, the likes, faves, comments, notes and whatnots (...)
And the most touching part: when my photos make people think and feel something more. When you tell me my art has helped you in any way, that's the only positive thing for me if I think about my photography.
Because that's one thing if I used it for the 'wrong' reasons (nobody needs to know, it was my choice to be honest again) but we are all different and we can all stare at the same photo but would come up with million different meanings. It depends on who's watching.
And it's not like, photography feels 100% bad. No. It has teached me so many things about myself.
In the end, I accepted at least one thing: I am not just an image anyone can see.
I used to think about myself like I was just a lifeless girl in a quickly edited photo.
I wanted to use it to be able to connect with people so that I won't be lonely anymore.
But fuck, it just made me more isolated.
I'm writing this because now that I posted 4 new photos (few months old actually) ~ it just didn't feel right!
It was a test for me.
It feels gross and shallow somehow.
And one more thing, yes, probably the most important to me: I forgot to enjoy art!
That's why I feel kind of paralyzed when I'm holding my camera or I am sitting at my desk, staring at the blank, white papers and empty notebooks.
Nothing to take photos of, nothing to draw, nothing to write.
It's been hell since 2015 actually.
Artblock comes in waves for me. It's drowning me.
But it's not all that bad because I've returned to drawing and I'm proud of my progress, the characters, the stories, the worlds I make and think about all day, everyday.
It's hard to keep up with it but it's something I don't mind.
With photography, the situation is very different somehow.
As I said somewhere earlier, I've always been a messy artist.
I don't want to try and be an organized one who can take perfect photos, find the perfect angles and lighting, etc.
I find those people awesome but I don't really want to be like them (not righ now, at least).
I'm only telling you this because Deviantart is a place where I'd want to show my "best" pieces but I don't feel like I can/want to meet the standards with my photos anymore.
That doesn't mean I don't take photos, to be honest I take some everyday but with my phone and for myself to save special moments. They're low-quality, sometimes blurry, silly selfies, more than 1000 pics of sunsets (I'm addicted ) blah blah blah.
The point is: I enjoy taking them and I don't feel the pressure of creating something worthy, you know?!
Creating itself is something worthy but I can forget this easily!
That's why I deleted old accounts, they made me anxious and addicted.
I still don't know what to do with my Deviantart but I just had to share this today!
I have a new tumblr blog but I don't really use it and a new Instagram, too (it's the closest to the real me, IMO!!!).
Just in case you wanted to know or if you want to follow me or anything.
I'm never sure haha
Mhmm, tl;dr: photography has lost its meaning lately ~ the era of me taking self-portraits has kind of ended, I returned to drawing and writing and I'm the most active on my insta!
Ps.: I won't disappear again without saying anything plus nothing's decided, I'm just going with the flow!