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About Varied / Hobbyist EszterFemale/Hungary Group :icondaartisticworld: DAARTISTICWORLD
Believe in yourself.
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Deviant for 6 Years
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___ by marshmallow-child ___ :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 52 14 ___ by marshmallow-child ___ :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 24 5 ___ by marshmallow-child ___ :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 28 3 ___ by marshmallow-child ___ :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 22 8 Untitled by marshmallow-child Untitled :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 34 4 Untitled by marshmallow-child Untitled :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 6 1 Please Father, make it stop by marshmallow-child Please Father, make it stop :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 216 16 Untitled by marshmallow-child Untitled :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 25 7 Untitled by marshmallow-child Untitled :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 51 11 my name means star anyway by marshmallow-child my name means star anyway :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 29 7 what's up, i'm down by marshmallow-child what's up, i'm down :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 69 15 fix me by marshmallow-child fix me :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 14 3 monochrome afterlife by marshmallow-child monochrome afterlife :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 34 9 monochrome life by marshmallow-child monochrome life :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 11 1 Untitled by marshmallow-child Untitled :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 31 2 Untitled by marshmallow-child Untitled :iconmarshmallow-child:marshmallow-child 15 0
  • Listening to: BIGBANG - FXXK IT
  • Drinking: coffee
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my anxiety when it comes to art and I think I fucking realized.
Not like, right now, nah, I think I've already known this but the thought felt so untouchable and unspeakable.

The thing is, when I told you about the lies I built my whole world on, it included my art as well.
So, from last October I've been constantly working on that part and I learned that photography wasn't the closest to my heart.

I think I mostly needed photography because:
1. I don't really like time consuming stuff ~ but drawing and writing are pretty time consuming most of the time.
2. I was obsessed with how I look and how others would see me and so self-portraits happened. 

On the way, I started to love photography 'for the wrong reasons'. 
Because I'd use it for vain reasons not because I focused on trying to finally love myself, instead I was hiding the parts I didn't like and showed what I thought people would like. [HxHEmoticon 094] 

On the other hand, I'm really grateful for all the support, the likes, faves, comments, notes and whatnots (...)
And the most touching part: when my photos make people think and feel something more. When you tell me my art has helped you in any way, that's the only positive thing for me if I think about my photography. 
Because that's one thing if I used it for the 'wrong' reasons (nobody needs to know, it was my choice to be honest again) but we are all different and we can all stare at the same photo but would come up with million different meanings. It depends on who's watching.

And it's not like, photography feels 100% bad. No. It has teached me so many things about myself.
In the end, I accepted at least one thing: I am not just an image anyone can see. 
I used to think about myself like I was just a lifeless girl in a quickly edited photo.
I wanted to use it to be able to connect with people so that I won't be lonely anymore.
But fuck, it just made me more isolated.

I'm writing this because now that I posted 4 new photos (few months old actually) ~ it just didn't feel right!
It was a test for me.
It feels gross and shallow somehow.

And one more thing, yes, probably the most important to me: I forgot to enjoy art!
That's why I feel kind of paralyzed when I'm holding my camera or I am sitting at my desk, staring at the blank, white papers and empty notebooks.
Nothing to take photos of, nothing to draw, nothing to write. 
It's been hell since 2015 actually. 
Artblock comes in waves for me. It's drowning me. Gon Crying Emoticon 

But it's not all that bad because I've returned to drawing and I'm proud of my progress, the characters, the stories, the worlds I make and think about all day, everyday. 
It's hard to keep up with it but it's something I don't mind. 

With photography, the situation is very different somehow. 
As I said somewhere earlier, I've always been a messy artist. 
I don't want to try and be an organized one who can take perfect photos, find the perfect angles and lighting, etc. 
I find those people awesome but I don't really want to be like them (not righ now, at least).
I'm only telling you this because Deviantart is a place where I'd want to show my "best" pieces but I don't feel like I can/want to meet the standards with my photos anymore. 

That doesn't mean I don't take photos, to be honest I take some everyday but with my phone and for myself to save special moments. They're low-quality, sometimes blurry, silly selfies, more than 1000 pics of sunsets (I'm addicted :XD:) blah blah blah.  
The point is: I enjoy taking them and I don't feel the pressure of creating something worthy, you know?! 
Creating itself is something worthy but I can forget this easily! 
That's why I deleted old accounts, they made me anxious and addicted. 

I still don't know what to do with my Deviantart but I just had to share this today!

I have a new tumblr blog but I don't really use it and a new Instagram, too (it's the closest to the real me, IMO!!!).
Just in case you wanted to know or if you want to follow me or anything. 
I'm never sure haha

Mhmm, tl;dr: photography has lost its meaning lately ~ the era of me taking self-portraits has kind of ended, I returned to drawing and writing and I'm the most active on my insta! 

Ps.: I won't disappear again without saying anything plus nothing's decided, I'm just going with the flow!
Kurapika - Smile (Hunter x Hunter) 


marshmallow-child's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
Welcome to my page lovely soul. I hope you're gonna enjoy your staying here.


Add a Comment:
sadiebrat Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2018
Eszter are you on FB again? 
Junkyardrose Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2018
birthday cake Happy Birthday Grin Birthday Cake  :D Birthday Cake Birthday cake  icon Happy DeviantART BirthdayMenInASuitcase Pink bouncing cake 

Happy Birthday to you !!!   :roses: 
Spideypool - Happy Birthday 1Spideypool - Happy Birthday 2    Red Rose:LongStemRose: :LongStemRose: :LongStemRose: :LongStemRose: :LongStemRose: Red Rose (Meaning: Love and Romance)
Th3DarkKn1ght Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2018  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Boldog Születésnapot Kívánok! :D :iconbdaycakeplz:
itsmyccrets Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2018  Hobbyist Photographer
I hope You have an AMAZING Birthday Eszter  :squee:
emperpep Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2018
clock13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2017
Will you post your new tumblr link Ezter or is that private
clock13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2017
Im glad you are back i love your pixs you have a very dark imagination and thats what attracts me to your profile you are a very interesting person and to be honest a bit of an enigma...keep rocking chick 
marshmallow-child Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
sorry for the very late reply but thank you so much!!! :hug:
clock13 Featured By Owner Apr 29, 2018
you are most welcome

how is your little dog i always see it in your pixs i have a German shepherd she is 6 and so loyal and perhaps my best friend
KLolita Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
I've missed you so much! I'm happy that you're okay.

You make me so strong, your pictures and histories always makes me feel that i'm not alone.

A hug.

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