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It's been 3 years since I last posted a journal. There were multiple occasions when I spent ages contemplating posting an update, but I wanted to write one when I knew I was in a place where I could look back and reflect and be like 'hey, would you look at that. I've come such a long way from the last time I posted.' but the longer I waited for that moment to come the more time passed and now it's been 3 years and I don't think that definitive 'moment' will ever hit me. So now it's 1:30AM on a Saturday and now I've decided I want to post an entry.

I'm at University. I started in September 2016. I applied for a joint honours course for History and English Language. I convinced myself I applied because it's what I wanted to do and I felt like at the time it would interlink with a vague notion of what career I wanted to pursue in the future. (journalism, an idea which has since been abandoned) Skip to the present, I'm now half way through my second year at university. My grades are okay. Not amazing, but okay. I get by. Not too bad but not excelling. I no longer enjoy English Language, the cons outweighing the pros in terms of what I do and don't enjoy with the course. My gut feeling when I applied told me the same thing, but I was too indecisive. Always undecided. That's why I applied for joint-honours in the first place. I can never make up my mind. Decisions are too final.

History at least I still enjoy. I still feel excitement about it. That's good. That's something. But where do I go from here? Journalism has been abandoned. It's too uncertain and competitive of a field for me to try and establish myself in. Plus a career like that involves social skills. Which I don't have.

I spend a lot of my university life alone. I was convinced at university I would make friends, people always say you make friends for life and unforgettable memories at university. I bought into that narrative. Partly because of the aforementioned rhetoric, but equally because after sixth form I was left in a false sense of security based on my capacity to meet new people since I had a comfortable friendship group at sixth form. But I should have known the reason I was able to make friends there was because I had one friend as a starting point to make me feel more comfortable in approaching new people. Kind of like that secure-attachment study I studied in Psychology I studied back in 2015. But I digress.

As I said, I spend a lot of time alone. Aside from my flatmate, who even then we have points of contention, I don't really have friends here. And that's my own fault. My anxiety prevents me from even wanting to attempt to talk to people in lectures and I convince myself to not attend socials even before I entertain the idea, using the fact I don't drink as an excuse to rationalise it in my mind. I have two people I could say are friends in the anime society. But I feel like they're friends out of circumstance. We talk at the events but not as much outside of them. And I'm not a person that craves social attention but I'm lonely. Looking at people with their own friendship groups, both at my university and from my old friendship group, how well they're doing and how I'm not, it's like I'm just stuck in a hole and I don't know how to change myself.

It's why I feel like I've gotten more into my varied interests now more than ever. Anime, TV, Kpop, anything to distract myself from the emptiness I find when I dwell on matters outside of it. They give me something to look forward to, something that provides distraction and comfort when I'm struggling to find healthier alternatives. Using Twitter to fill the void and lack of a social life to convince myself that somewhere out there in the world my words make a fraction of a difference to someone, even if I can't see it face to face. Even if I wish I could. Or maybe not. I don't know.

I don't know if I should be thinking like this. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, not really. I feel like saying that would be insulting to those who legitimately have depression/have been diagnosed with it. Although during high school I feel like there were times I came close. If nothing else I know I have anxiety and tinnitus which facilitates my bouts of insomnia (I got tinnitus March 2017 and have had it ever since. It pushed me to breaking point back then but I learned to live with it. For the most part) I'm not really certain about much else.

But yeah. I'm not even sure if there was any purpose in writing this. No one is going to read this. I'm not even sure I want people to read. But articulating my thoughts and my fears like this make me feel a little bit better. Even if I'm just shouting into the void, I don't have any other substitutes.

I'm tired and lonely. Not quite depressed. Worried about my future. If I will have one. I'm too uncertain and never truly committed to any one thing to be talented enough to pursue it (I gave up on art, I gave up on writing) other people seem to have their own thing, something that is their own and what defines them. I have nothing. I just exist, going day by day struggling with the idea that I don't have a purpose or goal or even dream anymore. I'm not a teenager anymore. But I feel even more lost now then when I did when I still was one.
hello if by any chance anyone is actually interested i'm more active on twitter @ / L0st_and_F0und so feel free to message or tweet me any time 

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MapleAndAnimeCrazy
Aaminah/Mina
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United Kingdom
Hello.

Just a twenty-something who wastes too much time on the internet. Communicates largely through sarcasm and ironic memes. Loves fictional characters a lot, especially 2D Japanese people. I Have a major sweet tooth. Generally confused. Professional escapist.

I made my username a long time ago and have got strangely attached to it despite the cringe. A direct reference to my excessive love for anime and past love for the MMORPG MapleStory.

I used to really be into drawing 2009-2013 but quit after studying it in high school which drained the excitement I once had for it. Just picked it up again in 2017 and seeing if I can revive my muse. Largely just here to appreciate other people's art, though.

:iconthetriforceplz:


:iconrainbowheartplz1: :iconrainbowheartplz2: :iconrainbowheartplz3: :iconrainbowheartplz1: :iconrainbowheartplz2: :iconrainbowheartplz3: :iconrainbowheartplz1:



Favourite genre of music: K-POP
Favourite style of art: Anime/Manga/Impressionist Art
Favourite cartoon character: Zuko - Avatar The Last Airbender
Favourite anime character: Levi Ackerman - Attack on Titan
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:iconbirthdays:
birthdays Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2017
:woohoo: :party: :iconcakelickplz: !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! :iconcakelickplz: :party: :woohoo:

On behalf of the birthdays team, I sincerely apologize that your greeting has arrived late this year.

We hope you had an awesome day with lots of birthday fun, gifts, happiness and most definitely, lots of cake! Here's to another year!

Many well wishes and love from your friendly birthdays team :love:

---
Birthdays Team
This birthday greeting was brought to you by: KoudelkaW
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2017
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2016
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconjasperinity:
Jasperinity Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2015
Happy birthday! :D
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