Feeling both right now. Dammit. I'm in another short, temporary holding pattern and lemme tell you what, I'm not enjoying it.
And so long as we're talking about things I'm not pleased about, I'm not real fond of bearing the brunt of the backlash for someone else's failure to plan ahead and their overall irresponsibility, either. If I didn't make this mess, is there a rational and/or logical explanation as to why I'm the one cleaning it up? And between the two of us, am I really the colossal dick because I've had it up to here with getting stuck with the tab at the end of the night and I'm about ready to tell you, you're on your own? We both know I'm not helping you anymore, all I'm doing is enabling your lack of accountability and gross irresponsibility to continue without consequence. I've cleaned this same exact mess up one thousand times before, this is now one thousand and one. If you were on the hook for it just once, if I wasn't there to rescue you from your terminal and hopelessly perpetual bad decisions, I bet it'd come to one loud, screeching halt.
And yet, here I am again... picking up the mess I picked up last week. And the week before that. And the week before that... Hell, just call me your personal maid. That's what I am. At least give me the dignity of a title for what I'm constantly doing around here. There'd better be a pay increase that comes with it.
Forgive me for dumping that all out onto the floor. I just need to throw all of my shit on the floor and stare at it for a while and convince myself that I'm doing the right thing in washing my hands of the situation. I feel like I'm abandoning people who need me. People, oddly, who couldn't be troubled to care less about what I need, just what I can provide for them that they need, and can you do that again in a week? We'll pencil another colossal clusterfuck for Friday. I can't even tell them where to shove their calendar; I'll be there on Friday, just like I was last week. And the week before that. And the... well, you know.
I guess the the complete lack of fuck giving on the part of the party in question galls me. How do you get that lazy and irresponsible? You get that way when you have someone like me in your life, with an overinflated sense of responsibility and a dumbass bleeding heart that doesn't want to see people fall on their faces, even if a faceplant into the dirt would be best for them. They'd learn something that way, and if they didn't, at least it wouldn't be mud on my mug, just on theirs, but I always drag myself into the shower at the end of each day just as dirty as the ones who somehow forgot to account for the same thing yet one more time...
Maybe I'm just tired... I'm probably just sweeping myself and my own interests under the rug by saying that -- I ought to know what the behavior looks like, I've seen in on a near constant basis for several years at this point. I've become complacent and even assisted others in the taking advantage of me and playing that aforementioned bigass sense of undue responsibility as a weapon against me to clean your mess up, "one last time, that's all." I'm sick of being the Dutch boy with my finger in the dam, but the bitch of it is, if the dam breaks, we're all going to drown unless I provide the plug. After several dam breakages, you'd think someone else would say, "I wonder why this keeps happening, maybe we should do something?" ... or at least bring duct tape or a plug or something.
WOW... do I ever read bitter. I feel bitter... that's not something I'm accustomed to. I'm rarely bitter, and even more rarely jaded, and I find these days, I'm both of those things I hate to be and swore I'd do my best not to be. And I am. And I am not because I've been taken advantage of, but because I permitted myself to be used. I let them use my weaknesses against me to make me comply. Dammit, Mandi, what in the Hell happened to you? You're not like this, at least not that I remember... what the f*ck gives, Girl?
Hope life is treating you well. Take a lesson from my experience, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty or assess blame to you that you're not responsible of, that you weren't in control over and you didn't influence. Clean up your own messes and leave those of others to the doofuses that made them. "Their emergency" does not equate with "your emergency." And don't ever be like me and assume your unwillingness to be an accomplice to idiocy and irresponsible behavior makes you the bad guy.
God love you. I do.
Listening to: Gangster Gangster - N.W.A.
Reading: Police Policy and Procedure textbook
Watching: My Language
Playing: With Fire
Eating: Cheese slices
Drinking: Premium Unleaded