:thumb347920996:
These are in no particular order.
Please find your entry and review the results.Ask any questions you have in the comments.Please use mentions to address any specific judges in your comments.
:bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon:
<da:bigthumb id="489558415"/>
:bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon:
:bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon:
Total 39/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 3/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
You've done really well. It's such a cute little story, and I think you've done very well to depict Lio's personality and reaction to another Messier getting the crown.
As for the writing itself, I can only find a few mistakes, a few of which would be easily picked up by a word processor (like vioce and clearng), but others would require another person reading through to get them all. Also, remember that a comma goes inside the quotation marks when ending one, like this ," rather than this ", And also that it should be queen's not queens'. The position of the apostrophe changes the meaning, queen's means belonging to the (singular) queen, queens' means belonging to multiple queens. And finally, there is one sentence that could use a bit of a clean up:
"Liorél", she heard the queens' vioce calling her name and turned around.
Putting it like this:
"Liorél," the queen's voice called.
She turned around.
Gives it a more active voice and makes it flow better.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 4/5
THEME & BG: 4/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
I love the various fabric textures used! I do feel that you could have done so much more with such a basic (in a good way) base design, but don't get me wrong, you did great work! The only other major issue would be some anatomical problems (especially in the feet and ankles). That will come with time and practice so don't worry too much.
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 4/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 4/5
Eliminate 'was' where possible. It gives a stronger, more active voice. For example, this could be done in the opening line to give a stronger start:
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 4/5
THEME & BG: 4/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
I love the various fabric textures used! I do feel that you could have done so much more with such a basic (in a good way) base design, but don't get me wrong, you did great work! The only other major issue would be some anatomical problems (especially in the feet and ankles). That will come with time and practice so don't worry too much.
Total 39/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 4/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 4/5
Eliminate 'was' where possible. It gives a stronger, more active voice. For example, this could be done in the opening line to give a stronger start:
Willow tried very hard to squeeze herself behind one of the golden pillars...
Be careful about exposition ("info dumping") as well. I found myself skimming a little to get back to the current situation, and it did break up the atmosphere you were creating. I understand that it's necessary to get a sense of her relationship with M69, but perhaps have it weave in, like make it a part of a conversation she's having with Shangae.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 4/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK':v5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
I don't have much to say on this. It looks great! There are minor anatomical problems, but I have no room to comment and like I tell everyone (including myself), it comes with time and practice.
![[MMA Round Six] Sloan Queen III: Kaiden by TessFrost-Arts](https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/4dcaa36d-33df-4cf0-8297-d0a377083f42/d8zexyb-f1bf50c6-eec6-4bbc-9a92-007f31836a78.jpg/v1/fit/w_150,h_150,q_70,strp/_mma_round_six__sloan_queen_iii__kaiden_by_tessfrost_arts_d8zexyb-150.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MTU0MiIsInBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcLzRkY2FhMzZkLTMzZGYtNGNmMC04Mjk3LWQwYTM3NzA4M2Y0MlwvZDh6ZXh5Yi1mMWJmNTBjNi1lZWM2LTRiYmMtOWE5Mi0wMDdmMzE4MzZhNzguanBnIiwid2lkdGgiOiI8PTEwMjQifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6aW1hZ2Uub3BlcmF0aW9ucyJdfQ.Nt-jLPOQF-9WVXYTgMgfMxfLr-vMqrA6I6gMeGMn6jk)
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 3/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 3/5
Be sure to separate character thought from overall narration. That first thought should have been done in a present tense. So:
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 4/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK':v5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
I don't have much to say on this. It looks great! There are minor anatomical problems, but I have no room to comment and like I tell everyone (including myself), it comes with time and practice.
Total 35/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 3/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 3/5
Be sure to separate character thought from overall narration. That first thought should have been done in a present tense. So:
Today's the day, Sailor Variable Carinae 369 thought...
A few punctuation notes: if something comes after a comma that isn't a proper noun, it doesn't need to be capitalised, for example after V369's thought about the new Sloan Queen. Also, if a speech tag is continuing after a quotation, don't end it with a full stop:"I will always have your back," she couldn't help but whisper...
It keeps the sentence flowing. And as she continues speaking on the next line, the new paragraph could be eliminated, as she is the one continuing the action, unless you put the Sloan Queen's action on the new line (which it should be), then this break makes better sense.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 4/5
THEME & BG: 3/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Good job with her! I love seeing your work! You seem to improve with every drawing!
<da:thumb id="541241231"/> :iconWingsForDreams:
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
I don't think I can see anything that needs fixing. You have an excellent grasp of grammar, there are no spelling mistakes that I can see, and it's a well thought out and readable story. I love the character interaction too.
If I do have anything to pick on, it's something that I would personally do a little differently. Instead of "your public waits", I would put "your public awaits". I find it flows better when I read it, but they are the same word really, so it doesn't really matter overall.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
She looks fabulous! The only reason for removing a point is because of some facial anatomy. I LOVE the armor and how you shaded it!
:iconKOSMOS-ver3:
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
Aww, what an adorable little story. I adore the character interaction, it felt very real to me. I can't find any syntactical errors here, either. You've done really well!
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
A fabulous design!! The back could have had more substance. I openly admit that I am the worst bg laziness. There are a couple anatomical things to practice, but you've done wonderfully!
![[MMA 6] Sloan's Garden (Queen Sloan : Barnard 08) by GrimStarling](https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/0a635d15-4575-4ec2-a24b-fc7736cf9103/d8z6koh-74ef67e3-54f6-4530-ba5b-fdc1f0dba50b.png/v1/fit/w_150,h_150,q_70,strp/_mma_6__sloan_s_garden__queen_sloan___barnard_08__by_grimstarling_d8z6koh-150.jpg?token=eyJ0eXAiOiJKV1QiLCJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiJ9.eyJzdWIiOiJ1cm46YXBwOjdlMGQxODg5ODIyNjQzNzNhNWYwZDQxNWVhMGQyNmUwIiwiaXNzIjoidXJuOmFwcDo3ZTBkMTg4OTgyMjY0MzczYTVmMGQ0MTVlYTBkMjZlMCIsIm9iaiI6W1t7ImhlaWdodCI6Ijw9MjE1NyIsInBhdGgiOiJcL2ZcLzBhNjM1ZDE1LTQ1NzUtNGVjMi1hMjRiLWZjNzczNmNmOTEwM1wvZDh6NmtvaC03NGVmNjdlMy01NGY2LTQ1MzAtYmE1Yi1mZGMxZjBkYmE1MGIucG5nIiwid2lkdGgiOiI8PTE2MDAifV1dLCJhdWQiOlsidXJuOnNlcnZpY2U6aW1hZ2Uub3BlcmF0aW9ucyJdfQ.unV9bS19TcqyxmKEN1U_C4av1sqzhdJGr3RzhvYDp8c)
:iconGabiStar:
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
You have an excellent grasp of grammar and spelling, and your descriptions are beautiful. It took me combing over more than once to find something. When writing quotations, if the sentence ends and it isn't followed with a speech tag (she said, he whispered, etc), make sure to put a full stop (unless it's a question, exclamation or trailing off, obviously).
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 5/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
... That is all.
:iconsailorx161:
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 1/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 3/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 2/5
CHARACTER: 1/5
Just a quick formatting thing. Bold is not the easiest thing to read for sentences on end. Make sure to put into just normal writing with bold used sparingly.
Also, please remember to get a beta reader to go over your work and give you suggestions. It really feels like you wrote this up quickly and never went back to read over it for simple mistakes. There are wrong, incomplete, and missing words scattered everywhere, and I'm having a hard time understanding your sentences without having to read them more than once. There are plenty of misspelled words too.
I don't really get a sense of character either. Who is this other person who's talking to the new Sloan Queen? This is something you should make clear, rather than referring to them as "someone".
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 4/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 4/5
THEME & BG: 4/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
That OC is such a butt, but you did great with her! Keep working and improving! I look forward to seeing your work in the future!
<da:thumb id="527142506"/> :iconSariusa:
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 3/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 4/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 3/5
CHARACTER: 4/5
Make sure to break up your paragraphs. It's very hard to read this all in one go. I find myself getting lost very quickly. When in doubt, if there is someone or something new doing an action, or if there is a change of subject (say a description), press enter/return and make a new paragraph. This is especially essential with quotations. If someone different says something, new paragraph.
Remember that titles should be capitalized, like Sloan Queen, or Messier 77.
Also, if there is a speech tag after a quotation (she said, he asked, they whispered, etc) and it's not a question or exclamation, end the quotation with a comma and the entire sentence after the speech tag with a full stop. It makes it flow better.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 3/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Sari, you have improved so much since I've met you! This drawing is fabulous! I hope you keep at it! Keep working on your anatomy.
:icongoddess-of-the-moon1:
Written Portion
Judging N/A: No story available.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Just fabulous! The only problem with her is the knees. I love your skirts! And look at that fun and fabulous background!!
Sub by Sir-Frog for GrimStarling
<da:thumb id="542239690"/>
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 1/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 1/5
I'm not sure if this tiny paragraph is the story or not, but I'm guessing yes? If so, there's really not much to go on.
What you have is syntactically sound. I can find no mistakes whatsoever. But it doesn't have a story structure, really, and I don't get much sense of character at all.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 5/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Great job Pypi! That OC looks like she'd be a challenge! I love the way you put this together!
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
Like with what I said with bolding earlier, reading something that is italic for more than a few lines isn't the easiest thing in the world. It's best used sparingly with normal text used for the writing. If you want to separate it from your own thoughts, a line with the dash key or the < hr> tag works fine.
I have had instances where I needed to reread lines to understand what was going on, but this may be down to format rather than writing needing to be changed. Reading stuff out loud is the best way to find problems though, as well as coming back a while after finishing it.
With the sentence where Cecily (? I'm guessing) is shouting at M24, I'd put a comma after queen, to break up the sentence where she would breathe a little.
Overall, I loved your story. It had great character interaction and story.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 0/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 0/5
THEME & BG: 0/5
OVERALL: 0/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 0/5
Sir-Frog refuses a score for reasons MamaLantiis refuses to state because this artwork looks awesome despite the artist's insistence on it's invisible issues :3
<da:thumb id="521644220"/> :iconserenofariane:
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 1/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 1/5
I don't know if I would class it as a story, but there is a short description of events there. You're syntactically fine, but I don't get anything about character here.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 3/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
She looks great! I would love to see you play around more with shading and such. I know you just moved and have had art block, so I approve your fabulous work here!
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 2/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 4/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 3/5
CHARACTER: 3/5
I've mentioned this before, but please don't format your writing in italics. The slant can be very hard to read sometimes. And without the ability to indent text, breaking up the text with a break between paragraphs helps a lot too.
You've done well, but I'm going to give you some tips to help you improve a bit more. First, get a beta reader. I understand English is not your first language, so try to find someone fluent in English to go over your work when you are done to eliminate those spelling and grammatical errors. As for writing tips in general: whenever you're tempted to say was, think about it and see if you can find a stronger action word. Getting rid of the passive where possible helps a lot and makes your writing a lot more interesting. This rule can be applied to adverbs as well (anything that describes a verb, usually they end in -ly)
I'm beginning to wonder if this is a thing commonly done in European languages (since I'm always getting spaces added in when I type in French), but remove the spaces between the quotation marks and the sentences within them. And don't forget them when the quote ends either, otherwise it can make things slightly confusing. And if you insist on putting question marks and ellipses (...) together, I usually see the question mark go after the ellipses (...?), so I think that's the rule.
I won't go over everything, we might be here all day if I do, but I'll show you how to fix up one sentence at least:
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 4/5
THEME & BG: 3/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Good job with her! I love seeing your work! You seem to improve with every drawing!
<da:thumb id="541241231"/> :iconWingsForDreams:
Total 44/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
I don't think I can see anything that needs fixing. You have an excellent grasp of grammar, there are no spelling mistakes that I can see, and it's a well thought out and readable story. I love the character interaction too.
If I do have anything to pick on, it's something that I would personally do a little differently. Instead of "your public waits", I would put "your public awaits". I find it flows better when I read it, but they are the same word really, so it doesn't really matter overall.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
She looks fabulous! The only reason for removing a point is because of some facial anatomy. I LOVE the armor and how you shaded it!
:iconKOSMOS-ver3:Total 44/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
Aww, what an adorable little story. I adore the character interaction, it felt very real to me. I can't find any syntactical errors here, either. You've done really well!
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
A fabulous design!! The back could have had more substance. I openly admit that I am the worst bg laziness. There are a couple anatomical things to practice, but you've done wonderfully!
:iconGabiStar:Total 44/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
You have an excellent grasp of grammar and spelling, and your descriptions are beautiful. It took me combing over more than once to find something. When writing quotations, if the sentence ends and it isn't followed with a speech tag (she said, he whispered, etc), make sure to put a full stop (unless it's a question, exclamation or trailing off, obviously).
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 5/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
... That is all.
:iconsailorx161: Total 28/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 1/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 3/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 2/5
CHARACTER: 1/5
Just a quick formatting thing. Bold is not the easiest thing to read for sentences on end. Make sure to put into just normal writing with bold used sparingly.
Also, please remember to get a beta reader to go over your work and give you suggestions. It really feels like you wrote this up quickly and never went back to read over it for simple mistakes. There are wrong, incomplete, and missing words scattered everywhere, and I'm having a hard time understanding your sentences without having to read them more than once. There are plenty of misspelled words too.
I don't really get a sense of character either. Who is this other person who's talking to the new Sloan Queen? This is something you should make clear, rather than referring to them as "someone".
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 4/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 4/5
THEME & BG: 4/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
That OC is such a butt, but you did great with her! Keep working and improving! I look forward to seeing your work in the future!
<da:thumb id="527142506"/> :iconSariusa:
Total 37/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 3/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 4/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 3/5
CHARACTER: 4/5
Make sure to break up your paragraphs. It's very hard to read this all in one go. I find myself getting lost very quickly. When in doubt, if there is someone or something new doing an action, or if there is a change of subject (say a description), press enter/return and make a new paragraph. This is especially essential with quotations. If someone different says something, new paragraph.
Remember that titles should be capitalized, like Sloan Queen, or Messier 77.
Also, if there is a speech tag after a quotation (she said, he asked, they whispered, etc) and it's not a question or exclamation, end the quotation with a comma and the entire sentence after the speech tag with a full stop. It makes it flow better.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 3/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Sari, you have improved so much since I've met you! This drawing is fabulous! I hope you keep at it! Keep working on your anatomy.
:icongoddess-of-the-moon1: Total 24/45
Written Portion
Judging N/A: No story available.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Just fabulous! The only problem with her is the knees. I love your skirts! And look at that fun and fabulous background!!
Mature Content
Sub by Sir-Frog for GrimStarling
<da:thumb id="542239690"/>
Total 37/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 1/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 1/5
I'm not sure if this tiny paragraph is the story or not, but I'm guessing yes? If so, there's really not much to go on.
What you have is syntactically sound. I can find no mistakes whatsoever. But it doesn't have a story structure, really, and I don't get much sense of character at all.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 5/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Great job Pypi! That OC looks like she'd be a challenge! I love the way you put this together!
Total 18/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 4/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
Like with what I said with bolding earlier, reading something that is italic for more than a few lines isn't the easiest thing in the world. It's best used sparingly with normal text used for the writing. If you want to separate it from your own thoughts, a line with the dash key or the < hr> tag works fine.
I have had instances where I needed to reread lines to understand what was going on, but this may be down to format rather than writing needing to be changed. Reading stuff out loud is the best way to find problems though, as well as coming back a while after finishing it.
With the sentence where Cecily (? I'm guessing) is shouting at M24, I'd put a comma after queen, to break up the sentence where she would breathe a little.
Overall, I loved your story. It had great character interaction and story.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 0/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 0/5
THEME & BG: 0/5
OVERALL: 0/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 0/5
Sir-Frog refuses a score for reasons MamaLantiis refuses to state because this artwork looks awesome despite the artist's insistence on it's invisible issues :3
<da:thumb id="521644220"/> :iconserenofariane:
Total 35/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 1/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 1/5
I don't know if I would class it as a story, but there is a short description of events there. You're syntactically fine, but I don't get anything about character here.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 3/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
She looks great! I would love to see you play around more with shading and such. I know you just moved and have had art block, so I approve your fabulous work here!
Total 36/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 2/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 4/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 3/5
CHARACTER: 3/5
I've mentioned this before, but please don't format your writing in italics. The slant can be very hard to read sometimes. And without the ability to indent text, breaking up the text with a break between paragraphs helps a lot too.
You've done well, but I'm going to give you some tips to help you improve a bit more. First, get a beta reader. I understand English is not your first language, so try to find someone fluent in English to go over your work when you are done to eliminate those spelling and grammatical errors. As for writing tips in general: whenever you're tempted to say was, think about it and see if you can find a stronger action word. Getting rid of the passive where possible helps a lot and makes your writing a lot more interesting. This rule can be applied to adverbs as well (anything that describes a verb, usually they end in -ly)
I'm beginning to wonder if this is a thing commonly done in European languages (since I'm always getting spaces added in when I type in French), but remove the spaces between the quotation marks and the sentences within them. And don't forget them when the quote ends either, otherwise it can make things slightly confusing. And if you insist on putting question marks and ellipses (...) together, I usually see the question mark go after the ellipses (...?), so I think that's the rule.
I won't go over everything, we might be here all day if I do, but I'll show you how to fix up one sentence at least:
" And why you have that star . . . " started to say Cercei, but suddenly Lori interrupted her.
Here would be how I'd write it out:
"And why do you have that star...?" Cercei began.
Lori interrupted her.
Lori interrupted her.
I added words and took others out to help make it flow, and I gave the new action a new line. If I were to continue, Lori's speech would be on that new line.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
This is probably the best work I have gotten to see from you yet! I'm proud you've risen to each challenge and pushed yourself with each drawing. Keep it up! I recognized this senshi right away and still noticed how different from usual she was. Wonderful! Keep working on the anatomy doll!
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
I've been picking on formatting a lot here, sorry. I just have a preference for writing to not be bolded or italicised all the way through. Not only does it free up options for thoughts, emphasis, or yelling, but normal writing is generally easier to read, or I find it that way at least. Somehow it works if they're both used together though? So I don't know what's going on there. (This is only a casual note, I've only taken marks off if it has really jarred my reading, which it hasn't for you.)
In terms of your actual writing and story, you've done very well! I can't pick out any mistakes, and you've got a very good grasp of your character. First person present tense does usually jar me as well, but it's short enough and well written enough to not do that to me. Well done.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 10/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
You had double the work and still did and amazing job! I invented 5 points to give you for rising to the occasion and not even complaining or questioning it at all... and putting forth your best work too!
<da:thumb id="542835843"/>
***incomplete***
Sub by Sir-Frog and ArtByGemini for SailorSunrise
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 3/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 4/5
So, it looks like English is not your first language. You've done really well, but I would still highly suggest asking someone fluent in English to help you iron out your writing. Your tenses are a bit all over the place.
You have a few misspelled words scattered here and there too, but these look like they were typed quickly so letters were missed rather than anything else. Also, remember when doing quotations, if a new character is speaking or performing some sort of action, put it on a new line.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 4/5
OVERALL: 3/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Great work doll! I recommend against using digital backgrounds with colored pencil because the contrast in texture is pretty rough. Keep up the fabulous work! Try to start doing lots of anatomy practice.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 4/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
This is probably the best work I have gotten to see from you yet! I'm proud you've risen to each challenge and pushed yourself with each drawing. Keep it up! I recognized this senshi right away and still noticed how different from usual she was. Wonderful! Keep working on the anatomy doll!
Total 50/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 5/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 5/5
CHARACTER: 5/5
I've been picking on formatting a lot here, sorry. I just have a preference for writing to not be bolded or italicised all the way through. Not only does it free up options for thoughts, emphasis, or yelling, but normal writing is generally easier to read, or I find it that way at least. Somehow it works if they're both used together though? So I don't know what's going on there. (This is only a casual note, I've only taken marks off if it has really jarred my reading, which it hasn't for you.)
In terms of your actual writing and story, you've done very well! I can't pick out any mistakes, and you've got a very good grasp of your character. First person present tense does usually jar me as well, but it's short enough and well written enough to not do that to me. Well done.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 5/5
OVERALL: 10/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
You had double the work and still did and amazing job! I invented 5 points to give you for rising to the occasion and not even complaining or questioning it at all... and putting forth your best work too!
<da:thumb id="542835843"/>
***incomplete***Sub by Sir-Frog and ArtByGemini for SailorSunrise
Total 38/45
Written Portion
SYNTAX (GRAMMAR AND SPELLING): 3/5
STORY STRUCTURE: 5/5
LOGICAL AND READABLE: 4/5
CHARACTER: 4/5
So, it looks like English is not your first language. You've done really well, but I would still highly suggest asking someone fluent in English to help you iron out your writing. Your tenses are a bit all over the place.
You have a few misspelled words scattered here and there too, but these look like they were typed quickly so letters were missed rather than anything else. Also, remember when doing quotations, if a new character is speaking or performing some sort of action, put it on a new line.
Visual Art
ORIGINAL CARRYOVER: 5/5
STYLE OF 'LOOK': 5/5
THEME & BG: 4/5
OVERALL: 3/5
BONUS BASED ON ARTIST COMMENTS: 5/5
Great work doll! I recommend against using digital backgrounds with colored pencil because the contrast in texture is pretty rough. Keep up the fabulous work! Try to start doing lots of anatomy practice.
:bademoticon: :bademoticon: :bademoticon:
A HUGE ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR THIS ROUND'S TOP SCORER: SailorDarkness !
:thumb347920996:
