Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, is a mental disorder characterized by unstable social patterns and relationships, mood swings and aggression. I was diagnosed with BPD. BPD is rare on it's own - often part of or made worse from other mental illnesses. I also suffer from Bipolar II and Anxiety Disorder. This is called co-morbidity and is common among BPD sufferers.

BPD is more common that schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. You may know someone who suffers with BPD and not be aware of it. Could it be that erratic friend? The over-dramatic classmate? Your super OCD boss? Your nit-picking mother who never lets up? Your impulsive sibling?

Take a minute to think...

Education and Respect

When I speak here of education and respect, I am speaking to both those of us who suffer from BPD as well as those who do not. If you have been diagnosed with BPD, take time out to learn more about the disorder, respect the people around you and GET HELP (go to therapy, take your medication, really try to stay calm).

To everyone else, a mental illness is not a defining characteristic - not even a little. A human may have BPD but BPD never has a human - in all seriousness, be a friend and a supporter. Sufferers of BPD often feel alone, helpless, empty... What better way to help than to be a friend and be there for that person?

Learn more here.

My Life

I was just a mere 22 when I was diagnosed with BPD. It didn't seem like much at the time though looking back now at all my exploits that I thought were just fun or cool, I had some serious problems. Truth be told, I still do. At 32 years old now, 10 years later, I still find myself surprised at what can come from BPD - both on the inside and from the people on the outside.

When I was diagnosed with BPD, it was found that I suffered from not just BPD but also Bipolar II and an Anxiety Disorder. BPD, I was told, almost always goes hand-in-hand with other mental illnesses. I was not thrilled. I was kicked out of the military. I lost my home. I couldn't get a job.

I was utterly lost.

Already feeling lost, alone and a complete mess, losing my whole life and future simply made everything worse. So much worse. I had a complete breakdown. My parents came and took me home, ripped me from the streets and gave me food and shelter until I was able to come to terms with my diagnosis. I spend a good deal of time feeling sorry for myself until I had a bipolar hypomania episode that made me very very very productive - I learned a lot that week. Didn't sleep much, but I soaked up information like a sponge.

While not sleeping and acting like a giggly baby on crack is not a good thing, it did provide a solution - I educated myself on my mental illnesses. And then I concluded that I would not be a nobody - I got help. I went to therapy. I started my medication. And I have stuck with it. Now 10 years later and I have my ministry license, two associate degrees, a bachelor degree, a house, a paid-for car, a beautiful daughter, an amazing career I love... It was hard but worth it.

The biggest bumps I have run across have come from outsiders - people who don't have or know someone with BPD already. Let me tell you about a BPD day...

5:30am
I wake up. I do the same routine or as close as I can get every day or else I might break down and cry because I will get lost and confused. Thoughts of everything I need to do that day, everything I did every day the previous week, every conversation I intend to or hope to have today and every day this week race through my head. It's a mess. Nothing quells that noise. The noise can get so bad I start to panic - how can I not, after 10 years of practice, turn off that noise? I must be a pathetic loser. But the little note on my mirror says I am amazing; I am more than my illness; I am a mother; I am a daughter; I am loved for who I am. ... Toothpaste is refreshing. I am so hungry. Why didn't I eat last night?

5:45am
I go get breakfast. My husband is there so I make small talk. Does he believe what I am saying? Do I have proof of my claims? Did I tell him I pooped this morning - did I flush it? What if he demands to see it? I can't prove it happened... He'll think I am a liar. PANIC.... The conversation continues but I'm no longer really sure what we are talking about... I frantically listen to what he says and look for clues... Oh, right he has to go to work. I tell him I love him and to have a good day. Man I feel stupid for saying that. How can I dictate who will and won't have a good day? I am sure he is pissed at me now. He must be. Can I prove I love him? What should I do if he doesn't believe me? Does he love me? He must - he kissed me and told me so. And the notes on my mirror say it is so. PANIC.... But now I am alone. What was I doing? Oh right, getting ready for work... Shit I am hungry.

5:55am
I need to finish what I am doing, so I get some coffee. Damn coffee pot spilled some coffee on the counter! I can feel the rage rising. Where does the rage come from? I want to throw the coffee pot across the damn room. The shatter would be so satisfying. It's just a drop of coffee on the counter. I swallow my pride and wipe the counter with the dishtowel. I want to cry so bad but I don't know why. Perhaps it's this noise again - this noise that would shut up. SHUT UP! ... I have to calm down. I have to get ready for work. Did I do my daily affirmation? No? GODDAMMIT! Failure at every turn. No, not failure - I just forgot. ... Can I prove it? What if I did it on purpose? That's what everyone will think if I can't prove it. ... Still hungry.

5:58am
I rehearse over and over again in my head what I am going to tell my co-workers when I get to work. Who will I say good morning to? Will someone be mad if I say hi to them after someone else? What am I going to tell them about my affirmation? ... They don't need to know... But I know I am going to tell them anyway. I always do. I don't know why. I just do. It's stupid. I know it is stupid. I must be stupid... Yeah a stupid crazy 32 year old who forgets to do her affirmations in the morning like her therapist wants her to. ... No, now I am being dramatic. Block it out block it out block it out. ... Not working. Shit. Did I make my lunch? Why am I holding the Almondmilk now? Dammit I am hungry... I should make breakfast.

6:00am
Shit I am still unshowered and not anywhere close to being ready for work. Today is going to be a long day. I wish this garbage would shut off in my head. I wish. Damn shower curtain is wet and sticky... Logically of course since my husband took his shower first. DUH. ... OMG I AM STILL HUNGRY! Back to the kitchen for food. Shit, I left the milk on the counter. WTF! PANIC - TIGHT CHEST.... It's just milk. Just milk. Just milk. Just milk. Okay, breathing again.

6:20am
Where did my time go? Did it take that long to calm down?

And I will end there.
Life with BPD is a series of questions that always go unanswered. For me it is the definition of loneliness - no matter who is around you, no matter how much smiling you do on the outside, no matter how many hugs you get... It is lonely on the inside. And when people turn on you for something you are trying so hard to control, it gets lonely on the outside.

Do every one a favor and use May 2014 to learn something new about the people around you. No one should be ashamed to have BPD or to know someone with BPD.