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No Expectation by Maki-Ubermach No Expectation by Maki-Ubermach
I'm very resistant to being myself.
Most people talk about benchmarks in work or life.
I spew what I'm feeling but in the past 10 years (especially past 3) that's been met with reactions I didn't expect or feel deserved (unless the person was insecure).

You can tell from every post that I seem to always be struggling with something.

I always say I'm going to get over it while I fight my own allowance of authenticity. Being myself has attracted experiences in my life I didn't enjoy and distrust in my own intuition at times. The worst is I want compensation for the unfairness. That's not anyone's fault, it's my sense of usefulness led on by a shaky ground of relevance/self-worth.

You get what I mean?
There's a lot of fake ass people and a lot of empty headed ones and I'm drowning in my own ocean while looking at a puddle of stupid.

Drawing, music and writing has always been the trifecta of how I get the ball rolling in vomiting out what I've swallowed and neglected.

I'm blessed with solid support, yet I kept feeling like a constant disappointment to myself. Stuck in the same level of everything while it seemed so much passed me by. I wouldn't be happy anyway, working for X company or having Y title. I've turned down a lot of offers and think I'm better for it, but it's hard to accept. It's hard to have acknowledgement or support when you try to put your heart into everything and want to make people happy or bridge some sort of understanding and they curveball or want cheap gratification.

That's like a portion.
I've gotten very defensive about my energy and where or who uses it and what I get back. Also my humor is so dark and my background/culture/humor is Old-School on the Chappelle side over yelling outdated memes. I feel like I was meant for the 3rd world but somehow got birthed and stuck someplace that doesn't match my temperament.

I was really focused on being professional in my life, it's how I was raised, overly if anything. Art is the only place in my life where I throw that away. I want to be a museum artist, I want to be free but that doesn't guarantee supported or liked when you say whatever you want and make other people uncomfortable because you're not contributing to their ideal vision of social courtship or climbing the bullshit ladder of THE SYSTEM, MAN. Yeah, doesn't help I'm kinda a hippy on the inside.

Anyway, this page was always meant for me to post whatever. It started to feel vulnerable after a while to be posting your good and bad shit. It was so much bad shit for a while and that doesn't exude success when you're suffering, which shouldn't matter but damn have things changed so much in persona, presentation, social media, etc etc etc etc.

And yes, obviously you should "be yourself" and "ignore the bs" and etc, but much easier to do when you have actual friends around, support, or even just a different environment that doesn't feel 10000% conditional (ex. welcome to the store / you gotta by something). I really wish I was back in Miami, I hated it and now it's the hell does the rest of the land live this way???! That's another conversation, but anyway...if you want distraction, I'm not good for that. I say things the way they are, and exist in a space where things simply exist without expectation. I don't like wasting time. Being an adult is shit. Why is everything so lonely at this stage???


Being a self critic/perfectionist/emotional empath/kidult/closet creature of the night is hard.
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Popgrafix Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2018  Professional Digital Artist
Hang in there, sister!
mangapym Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Niña, gusto de saber de ti, y se que es cliche, pero todo estara bien , de algun modo. Cheers.
Keyz13 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
Synn0Nihm Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hope you find your comfort.
Maki-Ubermach Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
Thank you, feels like I might be started on a path now. ^^
Synn0Nihm Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's great!
FromArtToMagic Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
So emotional!!❤
17starveronica Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
This is Beautiful I would really consider getting this as a tattoo cause I know that feeling all to well!!!
Maki-Ubermach Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
That's quite a compliment.. biggest accomplishment for me is how we can share a feeling without even knowing each other, thanks for sharing your impression. ^^
17starveronica Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2018
You too thanks for making a drawing that help me out and knowing I’m not alone
PyroAnimations Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Bro. I get you. Keep pushing on, and remember; we love you, and you can find it in your heart to love yourself.

I did.
Maki-Ubermach Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
Thank you so much, Pyro.
Wishing you much love and peace always.
Folha-S Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
I can relate to some of those feelings and experiences.

I've "toned down" myself on certain situations as not to bother/scare other people too much, it's not comfortable.
I've been trying to stop doing that, bit by bit, so that I can stop that feeling of uncomfort in my own skin, but it's always a bit of work. Getting better though, exploring/expressing through art is as you say one of the best methods.

At the end of the day, it's always better to keep going at it, you only know if you trully click with someone if you're being honest with them by being honest with you.

I know this probably isn't a very supportive post and that it's no new advice but after seeing you share and open up like this I felt like I could take a bit of wheight of my chest too.
Maki-Ubermach Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
I thought what you said was really helpful. There's a lot of validity in saying clicking with ppl can come by when being honest to yourself.
I hold back any info about me now and want to see what everyone else's cards are before putting mine on the table, but rarely do outsiders feel comfortable with that.

When I first moved to this new part of the US, I made a comment (that was funny to me) about flying sandals and shit like that in my family when we got in trouble as kids. The acquaintances around me went silent, horrified like I said I was a surviving refugee of the Armenian genocide, and was raped by Hitler's dad. It was the first time I thought maybe I can't be honest about who and what I am, so it snowballed after that. People online have changed a lot too the past couple of years. dA is a very different vibe from when I first started, but whatever...honestly your comment comforted me. The one thing I want in life is to bridge an understanding and be understood and you knowing what I mean and feeling it too gave me a huge sense of relief. Thank you.
ColossalBlueApple Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Pretty awesome ✌️ I love these kinds of themes
Garth2The2ndPower Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2018
First and foremost, I'm glad to see you posting something here again, regardless of quality or detail or any of that. I know I've said it before, but expression means you're winning. It's a rare quality to be able to deal with the more profound issues in one's life to the extent that you have, let alone with such stark sincerity and lack of pretense. Plus, I've drawn quite a bit of inspiration from works like these, which are more mired in subtlety than a lot of the greeting card-caliber works I find on here regarding topics like depression and such. 

Also, this may sound a little out of the blue, but your comments here reminded me of that chat we had a couple of years back. I remember you were telling me about rejecting an offer from a comic book company, as you felt their industry standards were too restrictive. At first, it kind of blew my mind, because I'd been conditioned to expect the exact opposite of an outcome like that. It was tough to process; Part of me was jealous, as it was the kind of opportunity I would have killed for, but I could also understand why you'd turn it down. I wish I could have told you sooner, but I gotta say, that was pretty badass. I can't imagine the fortitude it must have took to make that kind of decision. It helped me to further realize that success in that kind of field in exchange for your artistic integrity can't really qualify as success at all. I can imagine people constantly haranguing you over "squandering an opportunity," or "throwing your future away," so I would be remiss if I didn't say how proud I am of you for sticking to your principles and not surrendering to some manufactured standard. 

I don't think people are so much fake as they are afraid to be genuine. I've had my issues with that, and still do to a lesser extent. I used to omit so much about myself, because I was too scared that the reality was no match for the legend. I've opened up to few people, and in most cases was severely burned for it, which only reinforced those fears. I wouldn't have been able to use art to express and cope with these issues as I have without your work as an example. Knowing firsthand the strength it takes to push through the apprehension to create such art that few would understand or appreciate, I have to say again how proud I am of you and what you do. I'm sure people would prefer you to churn out more cheerful imagery and blow sunshine up their asses, but I hope you never stop doing you, in good times or bad.

Selfish as it might sound, I hope you'll keep posting here more often. I don't care how much "bad shit" comes my way, I'll take what's real over the more empty posts I've seen from others on here. DA just seems way too empty without you.
Maki-Ubermach Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
Your comments always skew my frame of mind while giving me a very rounded feeling of understanding, like it makes me move on from the current drama really fast. Like it makes me want to be myself again and I just kinda go for it. I almost don't know how to respond for days cuz it makes me consider a ton of alternative perspectives.

I had totally forgotten about that conversation to be honest, but how meaningful it was that you told me all that now. The whole time I've been going "SHIT, why can't I eat shit like I should!??! Why do I always have these haughty standards, like, wtf am I?? Why can't I be easygoing and draw things I don't feel, or go along with decisions I think lead to a bad product." Now that I'm saying it like that, obviously who would. But another comment brought up a great point, something about being an artist is typically a solo career, compared to a team career/lifestyle that might allow for support. I can work in a team, love it, but people are so dull and try to play a House of Cards bullshit with what should be the creation of something breath taking or like that warm filling bowl of soup on the shittiest day of a cold. I don't understand a future based on having limited choices. Maybe cuz the first half of my life was already that mode so I'm done with it.

I never realized that it could come off badass, hahaha, but sure I'll take that version of the tale better.

Anyway, I had a huge dream that helped me figure out a lot and weirdly I think I was able to get to the next level because I thought about your comment so much. Please know you are appreciated even if I don't say it as much as you reassure me. ( ; - ; ) Thank you, Garth.
aidenke Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2018
I'm sorry to hear that you're stuck trying to noodle your way through that sense of disappointment in self, or like you're somehow "missing out" on some kind of list of accomplishments or experiences that society tells us we're supposed to have had by now. The imperfect "proper way" to be as dictated by pop culture and peer pressure and a sense of trying to live up to some kind of standard.

The worst thing that any of us are saddled with are expectations or the double-edged sword that is "potential" - even if we're the ones putting it on ourselves. It's tough being constantly assaulted with reminders of what we're supposed to have or supposed to do or supposed to be, but hopefully you can build and maintain steady bulwarks against the worst of that kind of thinking through a mix of stubbornness and a determination to blaze your own path, no matter what.

Here's hoping you can find plenty of the right kind of support and enough happiness to make getting through the days easy as can be. In the meanwhile, it's always neat to see your work pop up around here, both in the form of meditations or in the form of neat, expressive art.
Maki-Ubermach Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2018
Thank you, I think you summed it really well with the "potential" thing.
When you're always almost at success but fall short by a tiny bit over and over, you get scared that maybe the potential that's always been there is the limit where it all stops. I know it's not for me though I let myself avoid it all in the first place. Being an artist is hard. Being an artist is about obsession, hard headed vision and blunt demands. Which can either make you look good on one side of history or a villain/cult leader on the other. Either one is good with me. ;p

You know, I really appreciate that your comments are always sincere and feel like they come from a good place. Really appreciate that about you.
aidenke Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2018
I really agree that being an artist - a successful one, with a passion for one's work - is one of the hardest professions out there, as all of the work is just you, there for others' judgment, good or ill. The same can be said for office-workers or for retailers or service-industry people, but there, you're almost always part of a team, or a larger task or goal. As an artist, a lot of the time, it's just YOU and whether or not you're able to capture the vision you're after. Some people can thrive with that, almost chameleon-like as they mold their work into whatever their client needs but others who have that more personal connection, I think there's always a kind of dissatisfaction with the "final" result. Even when the client is delighted, there's some element that feels like a slight shortcoming, leaving one thinking "I could've done X differently or Y better." It's what can drives us to want to keep doing better, evolving and growing. Frustrating in a moment, but hopefully good motivation and satisfying to look back on over long periods of how far one's come.

It's not always easy to look back and embrace or own that satisfaction. It can also lead to stagnation in style or contentment with "limitations." It's impressive when someone can harness that dissatisfaction and use it to grow, expand and evolve and hopefully have MORE fun over time. Acknowledging those weird feelings of shortcoming without letting them OWN you, you know? Determination and hardheadedness to keep chasing after that "one-better" vision, with hopefully the right people around appreciating those efforts and enjoying seeing what comes of them. :)

And thank you very much for your kind words. I figure that someone that writes something that introspective and deeply reflective deserves a reply that respects that, or at least tries to add some kind of substance to the conversation (unless comments are disabled, of course :P). I appreciate seeing you and your work around the place, and hope to do what I can to offer a little support in your quest to produce more Neat Things, alongside the wondering about the nature of the quest itself. :)
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