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Drown me in agony. by Mairwynn Drown me in agony. by Mairwynn
From what I've seen, what I've read, what I've felt, what I've thought, I can only find solace by pouring what's left of my heart into words, into art.
Not as some bitter cruel jest... but because I'll only find peace in exposing this vulnerable part of me for all to see.

    I've been trying... fighting... so hard to figure out if I did the right thing. Trying to bury this pain of mine. Fighting to keep myself together when I'm falling apart at the seams. This is the pain of loss... of giving up. It is a greater pain that eclipses the boundaries of the physical. I cannot rescind what I've said and done, and the decisions I've made. After all the damage and all that we've endured, I only proceed to torment him further. After all that he has done to make me happy, to make me feel loved, I only continued to push him away. I feel filthy, I feel like nothing more than a stain upon his life, a waste of time, a waste of memories. Regardless of what others say. I am destructive to myself and to others. That's why I push everyone away. That's why I chose to push him away. He fought so hard to keep me. This is how I repaid him. It always brings me back to the one string of words that's been haunting my mind since:

       ... Please tell me I did the right thing...
        ... Please tell me I did the right thing...
        ... Please tell me I did the right thing...

    I can feel it closing in on me. I can feel it breaking me apart from the inside. Taking away pieces of me. This loneliness, this sadness, this feeling of loss, this pure, raw, weeping agony that leaves me battered and bruised and bitter all the more. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel loved. Instead of him having to bend over backwards until he breaks just to be received. I suffocate us in my doubts, my reluctance, my stubbornness, my anger, and my fears. I only break away our confidence, our resolve, our relationship, our love... eroding away a little at a time until there's nothing left. I worry for his sake. Not for mine.
    Funnily enough, history is doomed to repeat itself; as this has for us, once before. This time, though, it's more volatile. More excruciating. I suppose I'm the one person who will never learn from her mistakes. I'll only continue to hurt myself... and those around me I hold so dear. I'm too damaged. I'm too incapable of understanding or returning love and affection beyond a certain level. I've hurt him too much... far too much... and it's becoming unbearable to watch him get back upon his feet, only to be knocked down again. This decision could have been the right one... or it could have been the worst one I'm ever like to make. Abandoning him like this.

            I've broken your heart. As I've broken mine.

    The thing about hearts, is that they are much like glass. They don't just break... they shatter. It starts with a crack, then the crack fragmentalizes more and more until it is a spider web of splinters. It reaches down into your very core. You feel as though you might fall apart at the gentlest touch. Large pieces, jagged pieces, tiny pieces... no two of them ever the same. You desperately try to retrieve them all and put them back together again. But... once you do, you find that a piece is missing. Never to be found again. You never fully heal, either. You just learn to cover it up. But the pain is always there. The more your heart breaks and breaks again, the more pieces are missing. When those pieces disappear unto dust, there is always a bereft space there. A space that can never be filled. Each time another piece goes missing, it leaves you feeling emptier. Emptier... more insecure... more guarded. So many pieces I've lost.

    I can't hurt you anymore. I feel myself withering away, because of how much I have been hurting you. It's taking away pieces of me at a time.
I could not continue on, just to prolong your agony, chipping away at your confidence and happiness because of my grief, my insecurities, my doubts, my hesitation. I am too toxic of a person.  Because of it, I could no longer stand by and let you suffer for the mere sake of holding onto me.

I had to bring this to an end. 

Everyone has a choice in life.
This is mine...
This is my choice...
My choice to give you up...
My choice to walk through life with a broken heart, so you may seek your happiness.
Above all things, you may not care for fairness... but you DO deserve happiness.
By God, you deserve it.
You say I make you happy, but I also make you suffer. You do not deserve to suffer like this. Not for someone you love. Especially when it's them who puts you through it all. It's cruel. It's heartless. It breaks you apart a little more each time.
I can't let you go on doing this.
I can't control this shadow of my mind. Reeling you in and pushing you farther away.
It's like an undertow; you try to fight the current, but the waves keep pulling you under, drowning you.
I can't let you continue to put yourself through this.
I can't hurt you anymore.
I fear that I'll only continue to poison your happiness... and even if I stayed, I've dealt too much damage. That fear of losing me again will always be lurking in the shadows of your mind.
I can't let that become a burden upon your life.
I care for you more than you will ever know. 
I always have.

As I have always loved you.
As I always will love you.
Forever and a day.
Always and truly.
Of all the promises I've forsaken and will forsake, that is the only one I will never break to you.
It hurts too much to keep going on like this.
I love you too much. Far too much. 
Even if that means I have to let you go.
To go my own way, and for you to go your own way.
But know this... I'll be right here, for you. 
Whether it's days, weeks, months, years... I'll always be right here.

Time. Consider us old friends. I've waited for a long time, it is nothing I haven't done before. You've allowed me a moment to have a say. For you, you deserve more than just one moment. I choose my own way, as I always do, because I am incapable and unwilling to love you in the way that you have always deserved. I'm too destructive, too hurtful... it's taken away more and more pieces of me, because of all that I've done to you. Now, should I stay, I'll only taint the purity that is you, and what's left of the strength of your resolve and your happiness.

"As the lightning crackles, and the thunder rolls across the sky...
As the rain falls, an echoing pitter patter dissolving into nihility...
I let it wash over me like waves. Drowning me in my grief, my agony.
As I let it carry away these tears of mine, I can't help but think...
I envy the rain too, my love. I envy the rain too..."

Feb. 08, 2018 (c) Fonzy 
Add a Comment:
Dominic-Skirata-X Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2018
From my personal experience- I'm sure he still loves you. And he wouldn't want you to keep knocking yourself down as a means to "atone" for your actions. What's good in the time in which we live is that we can spare the time to talk, as long as both parties open their minds and hearts to possibility. A beautiful and emotional piece Fonzy.
Mairwynn Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2018  Student General Artist
Thank you, Rico. I'll always harbor those special feelings for him; I do not wish him to feel as if he wasn't good enough, either. Nor to blame himself, for it is not his fault, it never will be. Truly, those words mean everything to me. To be able to have the ability to talk is one of the few things I'm thankful for in being alive in this time.
Libujalt Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Woooww! It's fantastic!!!
Mairwynn Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2018  Student General Artist
Thank you~
Add a Comment:

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Submitted on
February 8
Image Size
1.3 MB


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