2000 Kiriban

An Interview with Captain M. Fauchevont and Jai M. McGrainer
A lively comedy in less than one act.

Fauchevont: So inquiring minds want to know--what exactly does "Fauchevont" mean?  You gave me the name and I like it, but I keep hearing a recurring theme of people wondering how you came up with it.

Jai: It's a permutation of "Fachevent" actually, which means "angry wind" in old San d'Orian.  Your father was Tranchevent, "slicing wind", so technically you're named after him.  

Fauchevont: That still doesn't explain why I'm Fauchevont and not Fachevent.  

Jai: Think of the change like an Ellis Island fiasco--I mean, you were four when you washed up in Norg, so when the pirates asked your name, they mistook it for Fauchevont.  

Fauchevont: So I was four then?  Not five?  Five was the commonly accepted age when the pirates found me.  Come to think of it, I believe you came up with that age.

Jai: It was four.  Officially.  

Fauchevont: So I'm not actually as old as everyone thinks?

Jai: Guess not.

Fauchevont: Huh.  That would have helped a lot to know during that whole ugly statutory rape business.

Jai: What stat rape business?  I didn't write any stat rape business.

Fauchevont: Not yet, anyway.

Jai: And on that vote of confidence...

Fauchevont: Yeah, moving right along.  Why did you make my legs gross?

Jai: Because everyone needs a physical flaw.  At least one.  Arlin's breasts are like aspirin on an ironing board, Randi's got a bit of belly fat, you drew scrappy legs.

Fauchevont: Seriously?  Why couldn't it have been something else, something no one would see?  

Jai: Like the heart-shaped birthmark on your butt?

Fauchevont: You promised that would be a secret.

Jai: I gave you life, don't get flip with me.  

Fauchevont: Seriously--why the legs?

Jai: Because you're otherwise gorgeous.  You have a really great upper body and you stay nice and slender without even trying.  Something had to be wrong with you.  Scabby knees and scrawny legs was all that was left.

Fauchevont: I have to wear full-length trousers when I go swimming, I'm so ashamed.  I can't go out in shorts thanks to you.

Jai: Most men shouldn't wear shorts anyway.

Fauchevont: Now you're just being sexist.

Jai: Yeah, that was a little.  I apologize.  We can scrap that from the interview, right?

Fauchevont: I think so, but you'll have to double-check.  But next question: I know for a fact that most vegetarians get under your skin.  Why'd you make me a vegetarian?

Jai: For one thing, you're not a vegetarian, don't even act like you don't eat salt pork and junk that stays relatively unspoiled on long sea voyages.

Fauchevont: Duely noted.

Jai: Really, I think it's just dragon steak you take issue with.  Considering the whole nasty misfortune with your foster father-

Fauchevont: Yes, yes, that was rather ugly business, wasn't it?

Jai: Indeed.

Fauchevont: Then why are you smiling?

Jai: Because that was such a pivotal moment to your development.  I'm being nostalgic.  That was also when you first realized how deep your feelings were for Atropa.  Oh... *sniff*

Fauchevont: On the topic of Atropa, seriously, what's the deal?  We all know she's going to end up with me eventually, so why is she even dating that Raimi prick?

Jai: All part of my plan.

Fauchevont: Come to think of it, you've done some really horrible things.  Killing my parents for starters.  You haven't done anything like that to anyone else, I'm beginning to think you like them better than me.

Jai: No, no, you've got it all backwards.  It's because you are my treasured one, and I desperately want everyone who meets you to love you and identify with you like I do.  I can only make them love you through horrible events in your life.  Does that make sense?

Fauchevont: In a sick, twisted way, yes.  So it's because you love me that you make me suffer?

Jai: Isn't there a song about that?

Fauchevont: It's "Cruel to be Kind" by Nick Lowe, and you hate that song.

Jai: Mmm.  Indeed I do.

Fauchevont: Why's that?

Jai: Because the man took a very poignant line from Shakespeare and reduced it to mere pop-culture tomfoolery.

Fauchevont: So to wrap things up, then, what's in my future?

Jai: That's for me to know and you to experience.

Fauchevont: Not even a hint?  I've heard rumors floating around that I have a daughter eventually?

Jai: All in good time, Captain.  All in good time.


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