something from last summer I wanted to share~

4 min read
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By macwells98
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        I'm not so sure if what I have should be called maladaptive, but after reading a few sources about this "disorder" im pretty certain I've got it. I know this topic doesn't have much to do with depression in it of itself  but I'll post nonetheless. I'm completely convinced now ive had depression since childhood and it's this part of it thats really eating away at me. I thought I might as well share what my coping vice was as a child. hopefully there's a select few who can relate to this lengthy novella.

All my life I've used daydreaming as a way to cope with life and as a way to shut out the world in front of me. Throughout my whole childhood id make up elaborate stories in my head and I'd imagine myself being involved in the stories with characters who had complex personalities, and interacting   with my mental "creations". When I watched cartoons or movies I'd picture myself being involved in the plots and conversing with the characters, or I'd remember a certain scene in a cartoon where there was a conflict between them and while watching it I'd try to picture what I'd do if I was in that situation with them. I'd actually choose which character I'd want to be almost every time I'd watch a movie or cartoon lol. 

I also have memories of characters that I'd almost form a sort of "bond" with and fantasize about being very emotionally close to them and going on adventures with them, whether I'd see them on TV or I made them up. I would usually have these thoughts while awake at night. a lot of the time I would replay the same senarios or fantasies about me and these  characters over and over in my mind or create new senerios.  I would wish that these characters were real because their universes and lives were so colorful and awesome to me that the outside world seemed so boring and mundane. My daydreaming was almost all-consuming...

As I got older, I slowly grew out of my childish "companions". I was maybe 8 or 9 at that point. but the daydreaming still continued. The senarios were similar in some aspects but they had changed in others. In my prepubescence and throughout my teenage years, celebrities and musicians began to over take my mind. I'd imagine myself talking to these people, being on stage with them and even having them as family members. These celebs/ musicians were my idols and they filled this void in me that I could not withstand because of the emptiness I felt from being in reality. To this day I still have dreamscapes about them out of the need to mold myself into something, to find my identity.

Nowadays I find myself stuck in these mental monologes about the surreality of life and am constantly thinking about venting all my issues to someone or reconciling with those I've hurt in the past.  I can't stop imagining being a totally better or more idealistic version of myself. I had a death in my family 3 years ago that not only intensified the daydreaming and spaciness, it prolonged it. I'm not living life, just visualising it in my mind...Im working with my parents on getting me the right treatment for this because I've fallen into a major bout of depression and now my brain is driving me into madness.

I realize now that this lifelong habit was cultivated into being from me feeling alone and different from everyone. My life has always revolved around external chaos, my personal mental and physical issues, and being left out/socially isolated for long periods of time. I have no social life at the moment but I'm hoping to soon change that and improve myself for the better. I was diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago prodominantly inattentive subtype. I know that's a contributor to this issue.

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