Hello reader! Welcome to my little… story? No, not a story. I guess it's more of a rant? I don't know what this is but I felt that it was about time I quit being a lazy piece of shit and start writing stuff down whenever I had nothing else to do.
If you've happened upon my DeviantArt account before you'll have noticed nothing but a single journal entry. I'm happy to say though that THIS is actual content! I'm actually doing it, yippee! Anyways, I know you read the title so let's just jump right into this.
The definition of anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. At least, that's the easily accessible answer Google gave me. Humans are cursed with such complicated thoughts and emotions that many of us experience a feeling of anxiousness from time to time during our everyday lives. However, there are also a small yet rapidly growing number of us humans experiencing the absolute fucking dreadful curse known as crippling social anxiety. I say "us" in the sense that the number of humans suffering from crippling social anxiety includes me because… well it does. Yep, I'll admit it. I'm a complete shit-show whenever I am thrown into social interactions of any kind. The only people I am most comfortable with when it comes to speaking or… socializing like many people are fully capable of doing are my friends, and even then I never get too personal with what I mention around them. Life is absolutely brutal on its own, but whenever you are so terrified of talking to other human-beings that just the thought of running into an old classmate or a distant relative makes you sweat, tense up, and just want to flee the scene… it makes you feel like a pussy. Just an absolute wimp. I hate living like a recluse. Hell, I'd much prefer smashing my foot into a tub full of Legos than to try having idle conversation with a cashier worker. Finding any sort of job in my "condition" is near impossible. I've filled out an application for my local gas station, but ever since then I've been hoping that I never receive a call or message from them asking me to come in and work. I thought that maybe it was just me who was like this, y'know? Like? Maybe I'm actually a very rare type of socially anxious. Nope! I was dead fucking wrong. There are TONS of posts by people who have the same problems as me. "I can't even find a job like this", "Just saying hi to someone takes all of my energy", "I'd rather just sleep all day". I have gone to counseling before, it did not help. When asked if I'd like to try medication I refused to do so. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like the feeling of not being in full control of my emotions, yet… when I am in full control of my emotions I don't fucking use them properly. A prime example of my exemplary reasoning skills. If it's broken, don't even bother fixing it because change is scary!
Now you may be asking yourself "Mace, why the hell did you write this?", and I'll answer by saying "I have no clue". Maybe it's because of my lack of sleep worrying whether or not I'll ever get over this huge hurtle in my life. Maybe it's because I wanted to connect with others who felt the same way I did. Maybe it's because I haven't done a damn thing with this DeviantArt account and thought I might as well just write whatever pops into my head and see how anyone who stumbles upon this shit responds to it.
If you have read to this point, thank you. I realize I may have missed some grammatical errors while skimming over this thing several times, but that's fine. Please tell me what I did right, what I did wrong, and etc. I'd love to have feedback. I really would like to become a well-known writer in the future. I know this isn't some grand story, or even a very insightful post but ya gotta start somewhere I suppose.
- Mace Writter