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I have existed forever
         microscopic particles shifting
         from one configuration
                             to another

and I am not afraid of dying
         organic molecules decaying
         from mass to energy
                             then back again

I am never created nor destroyed
just always forgetting what I was before
life. death. rebirth.  such a vicious cycle.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2019-02-16
Immortal by Lycaenyx ( Suggested by LadyLincoln and Featured by JessaMar )
:iconjonwassing:
Oooh, I love it!
This is such an interesting take on the cycle of life/death/rebirth, and your use of the first law of thermodynamics adds such a compelling intellectual element!

I also found the format very interesting, I love the transitions between both the story and the indentations in the paragraphs: It gives it a rhythm almost, just like the cycle you describe. The only issue I have with the format is that it seems to get derailed by your final paragraph, breaking the cycle.

Other than that, this piece grabbed my attention in a very cerebral way, and I enjoyed reading it's brief sophistication. Very well done!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconpansydiv:
okay, before I actually begin with the critique I'd like to request that you ignore the star ratings, as I don't feel that you can really assess vision, originality, technique and impact like a fraction. It's been a while since I've written a critique, so this might be a little rusty, but your poem just provoked a response, and I felt this was the least I could do <3

I really loved this poem - the tone of it, the brevity and the concept.

I love how scientific this is - I've read (& written) a lot of writing about everyone being made of star stuff and other semi-physics related writing that looks at existence, but your poem is different from these because of how concise it is, and how sentimental it isn't. You don't gloss over these ideas or romanticize them - this entire work has a tone of "this is what it is" which is entirely free of sentiment, and carefully neutral. I love that, and that carefully distant tone gives this piece a really unique character and strength. Despite being in first person, it's beautifully impersonal. I really loved that.

This reminds me a lot of studying chemistry and reaction mechanisms, and it's a really neat reminder that we're all just .......matter.

I love the formatting in the first 2 verses, and the way the line breaks are makes these verses have a certain tone. I'm not sure how to describe it but it reminds me a little of protocols + procedures as well as of suspense novels - the way that the dynamic nature is characterized.

not sure if that was clear enough, so I'll quote you:
"microscopic particles shifting / from one configuration / to another"
"organic molecules decaying / from mass to energy / then back again"

here, you've split the action up into smaller, more easily digestible chunks (if i may describe them like that.) the line breaks make this easier to visualize, and sort of verbalize the pattern of the cyclical nature that you're conveying with this poem. putting the line breaks like that also encourages wondering what comes next, what the next line will say. that's where my comment about the suspense novel came from.

Like the previous critique mentioned, the third verse not following this pattern did seem to derail the rhythm and cyclic nature of this, as it seems a little abrupt. I'd suggest adding line breaks to the last line, and formatting it differently, to split the action up like you've done before.

for example:
just always forgetting / what I was / before

Other than this, the only suggestion I can think of is that of the title. Personally, I felt that the title of this poem doesn't really do justice to the depth captured by it & that the title "Immortal" was too vague. It's also not the most original title, and for a concept and poem that have been executed in such an original, unique way, I felt that it did not do justice to the poem. This is, of course, just my view.

Thank you for sharing - I really love this.
I hope this was helpful to you!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconstargirl2791:
stargirl2791 Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
This is really cool!
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on the daily deviation!
Reply
:iconbeeswingblue:
beeswingblue Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2019   Writer
Congratulations on the DD! I'm glad to see your writing recognized. :heart:
Reply
:iconladylincoln:
LadyLincoln Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on your wonderful DD, darling. :heart:
Reply
:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019  Hobbyist Digital Artist
(Already in my favs!) :clap:!!!

Very nicely done!!

Congratulations on your much deserved DD!  :)

For My Personal Use DO NOT USE!!! by LindArtz


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:iconkrontriolle:
Krontriolle Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019
Amazing, chilling, and kinda sad. Do you have an account on HelloPoetry? If not, I think you should- your work would definitely explode there, and I'd be sure to fav all your works on there if you DO already have an account lol.
Reply
:iconlycaenyx:
Lycaenyx Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
I do not.  I get distracted and burned out on things too easily so I find it better suiting to myself to only keep a single online presence.  Since dA has been my home (in an on-again/off-again fashion) for well over a decade, I prefer to limit focusing my efforts on here.

Though, I do appreciate the suggestion and the thought greatly :heart:
Reply
:iconpandanotes:
PandaNotes Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019
This left me speechless for a moment, absolutely brilliant :clap: a well deserved DD
Reply
:iconchampionx91:
Championx91 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019
Reply
:iconmoonbeams:
Moonbeams Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019
Absolutely loved this.  Congratulations on the DD.
Reply
:iconhungrywalker:
hungrywalker Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019
Beautiful! I love it.
Reply
:iconyouinventedme:
YouInventedMe Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Congrats on the DD, friendo!
Reply
:iconjedarce:
Jedarce Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You really described it beautifuly
Reply
:iconc1nderellaman:
C1nderellaMan Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
Nice :clap:
Reply
:iconyuukon:
Yuukon Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2019   Writer
Absolutely beautiful, and a so very well deserved DD ❤
Reply
:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2019  Hobbyist Writer
You wonderfully expressed an old idea in a way I found intriguing. This is very good. 
Reply
:iconjoesmo25:
Joesmo25 Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Makes you understand the absurdity of a 'self.'  Clinging to identity in the grand scheme of things.  It's the very opposite of reality.
Reply
:icontardisghost:
TardisGhost Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
The last line makes this really sad somehow.
Love the theme and the way you used it. :3
Reply
:iconsnell35damzel:
Snell35Damzel Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2018
Immortal starts somewhere.Though longevity seems to conform in your words.Nice Writing 
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:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:clap:!!!
Reply
:iconariya-sacca:
ariya-sacca Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2018  Student General Artist
I like this poem very much!
Reply
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November 27, 2018
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