Lurking-Leanne

Alrighty, where do I begin? It’s been years. Many years. Most peeps here simply know me as Tara, or TeiraNova. Or 5+ years ago, Lurking-Leanne… or 10+ years ago, tani-tiger. Yeap, I’m that same person from all the way back.

I’ve always been rather passionate and obsessive when it came to my favourite characters & franchises over the years. It’s been around 19 years since I first appeared online, and while there have been plenty of good & fun times over the years, and some longtime friends and fans I still keep in contact with - there has been negativity lingering on a lot of this time. Some of which may be understandable and justified, but I’m here to address the lies and rumors that simply won’t leave me be.

I ignored the hate, lies, rumors and spiteful remarks for all these years, because I always thought I was being mature by not participating in those arguments. I always believed that people would surely grow up after some time. I’m not here to force people to ‘like’ me or believe me. If people wanna hate on me for things from 5 to 10+ years ago, then that’s their choice.

But some friends of mine told me I really should try and speak up against the lies/false accusations, feeling that my silence is only making matters worse, thus, causing gullible people to believe in the hatred and lies spread all around about me.
This isn’t going to call out anybody in particular btw, since that isn't important. It’s just about me. I’m here to stand up for myself.

And so, I’ll start by addressing some of the stuff from WAY back in the Crash Fandom days.

Back around 2005-2008, I was a bit of a nutter, and I invoked some drama due to the way the Crash series was being handled. Of course, I grew out of it a long time ago, but back then, I disliked the Radical-era games, especially how Crunch was redesigned multiple times and the general feel of the series. I even made a short comic ‘mocking’ Radical at the time, and I remember people getting mad at me on the Crash Mania forums and spreading things like me ‘trying to claim Crunch as my own’. Never, in my entire life, did I ever ‘claim’ Crunch or any other characters I didn’t own as mine. These are just flat-out lies. Yes, I was always very obsessive, but I never went that far.

Back in those days, very few people paired Crunch with anybody. I used to pair him with my OC Tani Tiger a lot back then, but it was for my own enjoyment. There were only one or two others who paired their OC with Crunch, but they never were quite as obsessive as myself (haha, admittedly). It’s funny though, I would have loved to see more of that back in the day. I’m actually pretty happy to see Crunch paired with Ami nowadays (she reminds me of Tani, due to being tough and tomboyish heh…) but that’s for another time.

The point I wanna make is that there were very few official characters back then that I liked to see paired up, because I didn’t think they fit each other. So that did make me uncomfortable, and I did draw one comic making fun of CrunchxCrash. It was meant to be a joke, but others interpreted it as a homophobic jab. I never meant for it to be taken that way, but I do regret drawing that, and I apologize if I ended up hurting anyone. But I also want to make it clear - I am NOT homophobic and I’ve NEVER had a problem with anyone over their sexuality. I’ve always believed in treating everybody equally. If people are kind & nice, then they’re treated that way. But if they’re toxic & spiteful, then I’ll most certainly shun them. What sexuality or gender they have doesn’t affect who I keep close and who I walk away from. Even during my high school years, it was just never a big deal to me, but people are still spreading lies about this on social media today, and I want to make it clear that I don’t dislike anyone for their sexuality or identity, even in real life. If there was ever a time when I gave off the wrong idea, then I’m sorry for anything I might have said or drawn, but I don’t want this to continue being spread. It hurts me and it hurts others.

I believe some of the lies may have been made worse by the ‘sockpuppet/troll’ accounts that popped up around the time. Some of these were made by trolls, trying to make me look bad by ‘pretending’ to be me in disguise or ‘my rabid fans’, attacking people who didn’t like me or leaving troll comments, thus causing fights between me and them and so on.
Later on, it was discovered that some of these troll accounts were made by my ex. My ex was the reason my old Lurking-Leanne account got suspended for a while too, btw (he had access to my account for a while, so we shared IP’s sometimes). He was a huge source of distress back in the day, but I won’t go into anymore detail with that since this isn’t about him.

Going back to the pairings, I admit I hated some of them way back in the day, especially the more adult art. I admit it is funny thinking about it now and of course, nowadays I don’t CARE about that sort of thing. I was just so… innocent back then 😅
But yeah, there were some friends I got angry with at the time regarding this, but we resolved things ages ago. So it’s no big deal now, really.

One Crunch pairing I remember publicly ‘disliking’ was CrunchxCoco… and that was because Coco was underage. Even now I still don’t like seeing Coco in adult related situations since it’s just disturbing to me. Yes, I know she’s a ‘fictional character’, but whatever. I just don’t like seeing child/preteen characters in those situations. If she’s an adult, then it’s not a big deal. But I generally just mute/block that kind of content anyway, without saying a word.

And about Crunch being added to Twinsanity. I never harassed the developers of Twinsanity. The truth is that one of the T-Tales artists saw my ‘obsessive’ posts on the Crash Fansite Forums of me wishing that Crunch would appear in Twinsanity - and so, they added him near the end of the game’s development.
I never knew about this until a few years later, but I do remember being VERY happy seeing Crunch added to Twinsanity. Especially with his classic design. But then I (regrettably), started to complain that Crunch was too small/short. Later on, I felt so bad about this after finding out the reason for Crunch's late addition to the game.
One of the artists told me he was added because of me… and ever since then, I was forever grateful for what they did. I know some fans think I’m bullshitting about this, but it’s 100% true.

And yes, it’s true I used to rabidly hate on the Crunch redesigns, it’s no secret and I openly admit that I did go overboard at the time. Ya know, with the voting poll, hate-art and all. So yeah, that anger towards me there is justified, even if it was like 14+ years ago 😂

ANYWAY moving onto the whole Outcast Bandicoot stuff that still keeps being dragged through the mud.
There’s two groups of people who hate on me for this old movie/fanfiction. Those who are angry that I gave up on it 10+ years ago, and those who simply hate me for making it. For existing.

To those who are angry about me discounting it… well… 🤷 sorry, but I gave up on it for multiple reasons. It was because I was burnt out from it, and I also didn’t like the story anymore. I grew out of it. OB is something I wrote when I was just 13-14. It was just not a good story worth pursuing. I’m sorry, but that’s how I always felt ever since I dropped it.
Not to mention, it was VERY tough and time consuming to work on. I made it all by myself, all those years ago. The only help I had was the voice work for various characters. But I never made a single cent out of it. No such thing as Patreon/Ko-fi back then!
And to those who hate me for making it at all then… uhh what can I say? Yeah, feel free to hate it or whatever, despite the fact that I gave up on it in 2008 and am already aware of it being ‘cringeworthy’, bad or whatever. It’s fine, I never expected everyone to worship or like it to begin with anyway.

Now onto the stuff from the Ratchet & Clank fandom. Still got some bad vibes hanging around from that era as well… and the same old ‘she’s homophobic shes transphobic!111’ crap gets brought up there as well 🙄

There was a big drama here several years ago, because of these types who would become aggressive when someone created an OC that looked too similar to their own OCs. Ya know, the classic “Do not STEAL!” folks who get angry if you make a character that’s too similar or if they trace something. Even if the ‘thief’ is just some novice 13-14 year old who’s still barely learning how to draw. Instead of approaching these young artists in a mature manner, they’d call on their 20+ year old mob to harass the artist(s) and force them to change their OC designs.

One thing I regret is not calling out this behavior on sight. I should have done that instead of drawing the ‘lombax OC parody’ at the time. But ever since I drew that, these people were onto me like mosquitoes. Calling me a horrible, hateful person, a homophobe, transphobe, a ‘stalker’...
I guess you could call this ‘cancel culture’ since they essentially made a hate-blog about me on Tumblr, causing several R&C fans to hate on me, turn against me - refuse commissions from me and even push me out of the fan-clubs. They pushed on the whole idea that I was homo/transphobic possibly because I didn’t draw yaoi content, and because this group I was managing, I declined some particular artwork they had drawn to ‘harass’ me with.
And in this other fanclub, I declined some ‘mature content’ because the group didn’t accept mature rated content (of any kind) - but this person made out that I was homophobic because it was also yaoi?!

AND the whole transphobe thing stemmed from what I knew (or what I thought I knew) at the time. Because yes, when I was younger, I didn’t understand other genders (or no gender). That’s one part that was true. But even then, I never actually hated on transexual or other gendered people. I just didn’t understand some of that area, it was new to me at the time. And just as before, I’m sorry if I ever passed off the wrong idea.
Nowadays I’m obviously more familiar with all this. I don’t mind what genders/sexualities/pronouns you have, though I still try to remember not to use the wrong pronouns whenever necessary.
So yeap, more BS about me that is completely blown out of proportion and is largely untrue. This put me through so much distress, because it caused many fans to turn against me over lies, pushed me out of the fandom and I lost a lot of friends in the process. This is part of why I disappeared from the R&C scene in 2017… and lost my passion for art. I was depressed and unmotivated. Thankfully, Jiren (Dragon Ball Super) saved me and helped reignite my love for art & creativity again.

Sure there were times where I didn’t handle things well, and I don’t expect to be liked and respected by everyone in any fandom. But I get very upset & angry when people accuse me of being things that I am not! It’s very off-putting browsing through reddit, twitter, elsewhere and seeing these horrible remarks about me in the comments sections, whenever Crunch or something relating to me pops up. It’s worse when it’s based on lies, and you feel powerless to defend yourself.
So what if I don't draw specific pairings and content? Why should I be pressured into drawing other content to ‘prove’ anything? I’ve always been honest about what I enjoy. I simply draw what I’m passionate about, and always have been this way.
I LIVE to create. I LOVE to show the world what I see in my own head, to show what my headcanons and stories are based on my favourite characters, as well as my original ones.

And I’ve had my own struggles all throughout my childhood and teenage years. I almost never bring this up, because I really dislike using labels or sob stories (especially as an excuse for my behavior and whatnot) but as a child, I was not a normal kid. I had behavioral issues all throughout school, I struggled to learn, struggled to make friends, often got into fights and was harassed by popular students or ‘isolated’ during certain group activities. I had very little support from my parents, since they separated and the parent I was with, cared little for what I struggled with (although to be fair, I never seeked help neither) I used to run away from school to escape the harassment, but I stayed due to fear of not getting a job. Eventually the bullies left school, and I was there alone, no longer being harassed. No friends remained, but no bullies either. And I somehow finished at 18.
Anyways, to cut to the chase - when I was around 20 years old, Mum finally told me that I had Asperger's Syndrome. I never was aware of this the entire time, but after she said that, it all made sense. Why I struggled at school with learning and with social life, and WHY I’ve always been so deeply & crazy focused on my art & ideas… it’s no wonder I was a trainwreck at times 🙃
but in saying that, I don’t like to use this as an ‘excuse’ for any of my past behavior, but I figured I’d bring it up so people could perhaps understand why I behaved ‘oddly’ at times. This is why I refuse to use it as a label, anywhere on social media and so on.
However, I will openly admit that it is something I was diagnosed with as a child, if I’m ever asked (no self-diagnosis here!). I’m only straight-up and honest, afterall. I’ve never been the type to spread BS about others, unlike some people out there…

Despite that, I did get better with social skills and looking people in the eye, thanks to finding the courage to get a job - and remaining employed all my adult life. The job helped me greatly with my people skills.
Although I still keep to myself most of the time, since that’s just how I’ve always been. Although some days, anxiety does get the better of me and I find it hard to even sit here and type to anyone, or even want to leave my room.
I really miss those days of innocence where we could just have fun on DeviantART, posting art and looking at friends/idols art, commenting, Art Trades (yay!), contests and so on…
But now, I am very wary of people online. I just don’t feel like I can approach people anymore, no thanks to these lies and shadows of the past. I just never know if someone sees me as this ‘awful’ person who other people speak of, or if they genuinely don't mind my presence. This is why I’m so quiet with most people now 😟 even approaching people for commissions makes me anxious most of the time. Ugh, it sucks. I have a desire to get to know people better, but at the same time, I’m too afraid to try anymore.

Whatever happens, I’ll still keep doing what I do. Keep creating. I even made the leap of faith to jump back into my old Ratchet Deadlocked comic project, despite the fear associated with that previous fandom… I’m working on it alongside my Jiren comic. I haven’t had as much drama in the DBS fandom so far. Fortunately.
but I’m sticking to my own little corner anyway, and won’t be interacting much outside of my inner circle. But I am always happy to chat with kind fans and friends who approach me, so don’t feel that you need to stay silent around me too 🙂 just because I’m a bit quiet myself!
But I don’t think I’ll ever become deeply involved with any fandom again. It’s just too stressful for me, and I feel much more comfortable sticking to myself. My interests tend to be narrow and focused on unpopular/underdeveloped characters & ideas anyway.

Also regarding Tani Tiger, I was planning to do an OB reboot under a new title - a few years ago (written only) but I never got to it… however, I wanted to make it clear that I revamped her character and she was no longer Crunch’s love interest. However, they did still interact in the reboot - and I was going to leave the pairing up to the fan/readers imaginations since I changed preferences and started to enjoy their banter/conflicts in the reboot. I’m just not obsessive about that pairing anymore. I’m more into Jirenx21 at the moment anyway so… 😅
But I have some plans for Tani in my own original universe, but I’ll reveal that at a later time when I am ready.

Either way, now that I’ve spoken out about this for the first time in many years, to try and defend myself against false accusations, I hope people who were unsure or believed the nonsense, will finally see my side of the story and take that into consideration.
I don’t expect everyone to suddenly like me, or even believe a word I say. But at the end of the day, I know I am honest. I know I am true to my words. I know I’m not fake. I know what I say is the truth. And my close friends and supporters stick by me, and that is what matters most.

And besides, people grow up. It’s been many years, and I’m not ‘exactly’ the same person as I was all these years ago 🤔 interests change, beliefs can shift, preferences do alter. People move on, some do learn from past mistakes.
Just something to think about.

Peace out!

TaraM/TeiraNova

To my new watchers, I moved to @Teira-Nova years ago so... there's no use watching this account  just putting this here as a notice, since I keep noticing people watching this one (and faving stuff from both my old and new account, but chosing to follow/watch the old one instead which is bizzare )

So yeah, follow https://www.deviantart.com/teira-nova instead if you want to keep up to date with all my art from now on!

(also yes I know this old account has a Core+ membership, someone gifted this account core, despite me not even using this anymore )