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Love Without Your Heartbeat



Thank you for your thoughts every year, all year and thank you for all the favs, prayers and views. I can't be more thankful for everyone who supports me every year I work on these drawings, especially on the livestreams. A big thank you to my friends who are here for me. As always...please remember those lost on 9/11. Do something good today. Buy a stranger a coffee, help an old woman cross the street, just do something to honor today.


Dear Jaime,

Every year I sit here and wonder what to write. Every year is the same story of spending hours upon hours working on my drawing and then sitting in silence reflecting on today. This year is a little different though. Different entirely. This year I decided to seek out grief counseling. While I have all but really gotten through it, there has been improvement in dealing with the anxiety and anguish that comes with 9/11 and missing you. Missing you never gets any easier though. Over time you would think wounds would heal, over time you can only imagine that something could give that will allow one to breath and not clench up thinking about what they lost. I am learning that is okay though... so that is why I will just write to you as if I am talking to you because after over 13 years, I don't think I've ever done that.

I don't like that you are gone. I admit that I am angry and jealous of those who have a sister. The sheer jealousy knowing that you, who stood up to the mean girls at school for me when they made fun of me, encouraged me to sing and draw, brought me around your friends and protected me, burns like an eternal flame that doesn't want to be put out. I look at our brothers and wonder if they may feel the same or if I could amount to the type of awesome sister you were but I can not replace you. Sometimes when I am lost in my thoughts I will stare at your photos at my desk and for a moment I forget you're not gone from this earth. I think you'll call or walk in the door. Then reality returns and I miss you all over again. It is not fair. I try not to hate those who took you away. I can forgive them, even feel bad that because 'justice' was served their families probably feel just like me when I miss you terribly. 

I've begun to think I am ready to go back to New York. It has been since the last time we saw one another in July of 2001. I did not think it right to go back, but now there is a part of me that thinks it could give me a chance to be closer to you. Fear still keeps me from going back, but when I do, I can only hope you're there with me more than you are now. Every memory I have of New York possesses you in it. The time you bought me those epic sneakers that had some weird high heel thing going on, only for me to fall down the stairs the first day I had them. When we ran around trying to buy a beanie baby because all I wanted was 'a cat one' and half the stores had stupid safari animals. Watching you fall in love all over again with your childhood sweetheart or walking up into your penthouse in bayridge, gawking at what you had accomplished. Something I can and never want to forget is the last time I saw you. We were standing in the Palisades Parking lot at nighttime, face to face as we  fumbled over our words, trying to say goodbye to one another. I remember your hair, your voice, the look on your face. "Don't cry, or you'll make me cry." is what you told me, even though you had tears already running down your cheeks. If I try hard enough, I can remember the hug. It felt like forever. I want it right now so very badly. No matter how sad that day felt, it's a memory I cherish.

I told you this year was different. While there is no lack of tears right now, there is still joy. Joey had a baby. How we wish you could be here to see him. You would be so proud. That kid looks just like him. I've only gotten to hold him for 2 minutes but I know the moment I get a hold of him longer, I will honor your memory by wiggling his little lips and lip syncing "Well you know my name is Simon". It has to be done, you know this. He's so beautiful. Looking at him, I can't help but to want to cry and I'm unsure why. Is it because I don't know how to feel given the time of year? Or am I simply happy to HAVE something happy. Regardless, it IS happy and I know you must be peaceful knowing our family actually has something good happening in our lives again. It's brought everyone together and for a moment, it felt like before 9/11 again. Perhaps he is a new link to the chain that was broken when we lost you. I love him so much already and I know you'd be crazy for him too. 

Right now, I am exhausted. I aim to ignore the media. Ignore the ignorance from those who forget about 9/11 and go to visit you today. While I feel the need to grieve alone, I will make the effort to see everyone and be there for them as well. I will aim to be strong but I will also accept what I am holding in...or I will try to. Just know that I miss you more than anything. I love you tremendously and I wish you were here so badly. I hope, REALLY hope, you are here with me, watching me and are proud of me. I realize this year's drawing both got off to a bad start aaaand kind of ended on a bad foot, but I'm my own worst critic. All that matters is that my drawing is for you. It is but the one time of the year I can not procrastinate on something. Know that all my love and emotions are in this for you. I love you, Jaim. I miss you. I need you. 


To see my previous years for my 9/11 pieces:
2013 -…
2012 -…
2011 -…
2010 -…

My sister:………
Image size
2097x3343px 9.78 MB
© 2014 - 2023 luniara
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