Misadventures of Bass CH3

I am the mighty Bass, feared by humans and robots alike. I am the right hand of Dr. Wily, the world’s most insane, yet technologically gifted mind in the world. Okay, Light’s just as famous, but he’s not insane. I have at my disposal, the mighty Bass Buster, a plasma weapon of unimaginable destructive potential and I have Treble, my mighty war hound! We combine into the unstoppable Gospel!

You might ask yourself where someone of such unimaginable power would choose to lay his head at night…and…if you said the floor…you’d…ugh…you’d be right.

This is insulting. Me, Bass, listed in the top ten deadliest people alive and even considered last year’s most attractive baddie, and I’m spending the night on my floor. Why? Because I listened to that tiny voice in the back of my head called a conscience and let Megaman’s sister Roll spend the night at the Castle since she and Megaman had some falling out that neither of them is willing to tell me about.

I leave her alone in my room for a little bit and come back to find her sleeping in my capsule like she actually has permission to. I can’t believe I didn’t just throw her out…well regardless, I could have slept in one of the guest rooms or the couch…but that’d be me in the open, considering the Castle has a lack of locks so I opted for my floor.

Now my room’s a mess since I never clean it and its cluttered from junk me or Treble drag in, so I had to push trash away to make me a bed. I used Treble as my pillow, he didn’t mind, he enjoys the attention. Come to think of it, I think I used to have a bed in here, but I think the junk in my room ate it.

My nose wrinkled. It had caught the scent of something. Whatever it was, it was delicious. I cleared my mind of the thought and reminded myself that nothing in Wily Castle smells delicious. If anything, this was all a figment of imagination and…I’m tired, I need sleep.

Soon, Treble smelled it too and he yawned and got up, unfortunately no longer my pillow. He pawed the door and I sighed, got up, and let him out of the room. When I did, that smell hit me full-on and dear god, it was incredible. I glanced back to my capsule and found it empty of Roll or Tango. Those bastards must have smelled it before I did. I have to hurry before whatever glorious food is giving that heavenly scent is devoured!

I didn’t even polish my armor, I just hopped out and tried to find where that scent was coming from, and judging by the large number of salivating Robot Masters in the dining room, I’d have to say it was coming from the adjacent kitchen. Wait, only broken dreams come out of there, not gifts from God…

I pushed my way through the horde of idiots and got into the kitchen to see Roll in an apron, cooking breakfast, while her cat lounged on the fridge. Her food smelled incredible! It was probably a sin, a sweet, edible sin!

I opened my mouth to say something, but she whirled around and saw me, shouted, “Out of my kitchen!” and pushed me out, then she slammed the door behind her.

What…just happened here? Was I just kicked out of the kitchen? The kitchen where I’m one of the few people actually allowed in it? Come to think of it, was I just pushed around by a small blonde girl who declared said kitchen as hers?

“HOW THE HELL DID SHE EVEN GET IN THE KITCHEN?” I exclaimed, thoroughly confused. Like I’ve said before, the kitchen is locked and aside from Wily, only high-ranking Robot Masters like yours truly can get in. “She used your key,” Wily said plainly. He was sitting at the dining room table and I noticed it was being held up by liberal application of duct-tape since it got smashed yesterday. Seriously, he could have told me to get a table yesterday too…though…then I might have opened my room up to someone else too…

Wait. She used my key? “She used my key?” “That’s what she said,” Wily replied. “That was before she kicked me out of the kitchen…ME, I OWN the place!” I quickly patted myself down and realized that my key actually wasn’t on me. Creampuff actually picked my pocket! If the smell of that food wasn’t so inviting, I’d smash her little head in!

I spent about an hour waiting in the dining room in thankful silence. All the Robot Masters were far too busy trying to keep their drool off of each other to actually speak. Then Roll finally entered with a ridiculously huge cart, loaded to the brim with food. Dear lord, there were eggs, biscuits, bacon, sausage, pancakes, hash browns, ham, toast, and oatmeal. It was all topped off with orange juice and milk to wash it down.

She walked in front of her food, beating back rabid Robot Masters with a wooden spoon. Heh, she must have experience keeping Megaman away from her food, problem is, he’s one blue bomber, this is hundreds of Robot Masters that were told that food that tastes good is a lie.

She was going to get overrun, subject to hundreds of Robot Masters who have never even SEEN a girl in their lives, NOR have they ever heard of good food! They were gonna kill her with their attention and at least one of them would eat her shoes, I’m fairly certain of that, so I did something to save her, more than likely something stupid too.

“Hey you morons!” I shouted as I stood up and rose my fist to the air, “The Creampuff belongs to me, back off, or I’ll rip out your optics and tear off your arms and beat you all to death with them!”

Ugh. The threat, the threat was good. The threat struck fear into the hearts of my comrades and even I was a little shocked at how harsh it sounded, the problem was that I attached it to Roll, what was worse, I proclaimed her as mine, as if she were my girlfriend or something.

Still, slight embarrassment aside, the Robot Masters fell into line, at least until Roll stepped out of the way, then they dived like wild animals into the food, grabbing every ounce of it as if it were holy ambrosia.

Being more intelligent than your standard Robot Master, I simply watched with my arms folded, waiting for them to finish. At least that way, I can keep my hands attached to my body. If perhaps the food was gone by the time it was my turn, I’d simply blast one of those idiots and take theirs.

The crowd died down and I reached for some food, but Roll smacked my hand with that spoon! I glared daggers at her and went for it again, but she attacked me again!

Okay, I’m hungry and annoyed, attacking me, preventing me from enjoying the first wonderful thing to be made in this Castle, that’s just suicide.

I snatched the spoon from her and growled, looming over her when she calmly replied, “Your food’s in the kitchen.”

I had my own food?

Sure enough, in the kitchen, both me and Wily had our own plates, both with generous helpings of eggs and pancakes with sausage on the side. The pancakes were actually in the shape of our heads, making the thought of devouring Wily’s giant head amusing. We even had coffee, and after a sip, I realized it had just the lightest touch of cinnamon in it, which tasted surprisingly good.

It was around halfway through breakfast that she leaned into me and stared sweetly at me…which…was rather uncomfortable in the mental sense. Sure she smelled nice and she’s attractive and…no, no Bass, just no.

“Can I help you with something?” I finally asked.

“You said I belong to you,” she said sweetly as she gazed at me.

Ah hell. How do a stupid group of words do so much? It scares the Robot Masters from their need to do…look, I don’t know what they’d do to Roll, but now it makes her think I have feelings for her too!

Do I have feelings for her? No, that’d be stupid, but I feel something, otherwise she wouldn’t be here. Argh, I should just shove her back to Megaman, that’d fix things…but then…I’d never have food this good ever again. That’s it, I’m just using her! What was it Dr. Wily compared her to last night? That’s it!

“Of course you belong to me, Creampuff. You’re akin to…a pet.”

There, I said it, it makes me sound awful, perverted at a ridiculously dirty level, but it proves I’m not in love with the dweeb’s sister…really Wily…why give robots emotions anyways…

“I’m…your pet?” She asked, confused. She tilted her head to the side and thought about it. I think I might have insulted her, good. “MEOW!” She shouted and hugged me. Seriously, I think there’s a defect in Light’s robots. They seem to take insults a little too well. I can’t piss either Megaman or his sister off if my life depended on it apparently, what is an evil Robot Master to do?

“Uh…right…” I muttered as I forced her off me. “Look, if you’re gonna stay, you need to follow some ground rules.” She nodded attentively. “One, these shows of affection…yeah, I’m instigating a ‘three second rule’. I can’t perform my duties with you hanging off me, plus it’s creepy. Two, you listen to what I say as my word is law!”

Wily overheard the comment and cleared his throat and I glowered at him, that got him quiet. Seriously, he thinks I’d tell her to obey him? Then what? Gutsman gets past the fifth letter of the alphabet without someone’s help? Yeah right.

“Three,” I continued, “I sleep in my capsule, you sleep in a gue…” Hmm…a guest room would be a deathwish, wouldn’t it? As would the couch…and not even I’ve been in Wily’s room, every time I pass by it, there’s this lingering smell of old socks and mayonnaise. Yeah, not gonna be that cruel, “Look, you stay on the floor until we get you a bed or something.”

“Four, I…I’m not quite sure what four is yet, but when I figure it out, it’ll damn well be enforced!”

There, those rules shouldn’t be too hard, right? I mean one thing Light’s bots have over Wily’s is at least average intelligence. I looked at her for a moment and she nodded before going to work on dishes, leaving me to eat in silence, blessed silence. It’s weird, I guess the others are too busy eating to do anything out of the ordinary.

After Creampuff finished the dishes-MAN that was a lot of dishes, I mean we have a Dishwasherman-I went outside into the dining room and addressed the group.

“Men!” I barked, “As you all know, it’s MY turn to defeat Megaman in a spectacular battle to the death! I need volunteers for a mission that’s almost assuredly suicidal! Now I know a lot of you haven’t even seen Megaman before, but you’ve all died at least twice, so don’t let the fear of death stop you! I need eight individuals—” Tenguman immediately stood up, “Preferably individuals that haven’t lost multiple times.” Tenguman sat back down with what I guess is a scowl, kinda hard to tell through the mask; Astroman sighed relief, I could smell the panic attack that was brewing that I averted.

“Now,” I continued, “Like I said, Megaman’s probably going to destroy you but that’s a lot better than the alternative if NONE of you try out.” “What’s that?” one of them asked. “Well that’s simple, in the event none of you try out, I’LL destroy ALL of you.”

That got their attention. There was murmuring amongst them and the beautiful look of fear on their faces as they wondered who among them would try out for the team. It was around then that Roll walked out of the kitchen and I glared at everyone and nodded my head in her direction. They all stood up, bowed, and said, “Thank you, Miss Roll.” She smiled and said, “Anytime.”

After I got their attention again, which was easy with a plasma weapon, I told them, “Line up in front of the conference room in an hour and I’ll interview you, remember that we’re actually trying to BEAT Megaman, therefore…try not to be the one Robot Master that somehow has the PERFECT advantage over another…I’d rather not see another Balloonman/Needleman incident, you got me?” They all shook their heads and I let them go about their business, for now at least.

It was then that Roll looked at me and asked, “Hey Bass, what about all my stuff in the Skull ship?” “Huh? Oh. Right, just get Gutsman and Hardman to help you lug that crap in. Tell them that Bass told them to do it.”

Roll nodded and smiled sweetly-yuck-and left the dining room only to be stopped by Drillman, with a dopey grin on his face.

“Well howdy there ma’am, th’ name’s Drillman, pleased to make yer acquaintance.” He offered his hand to shake, but come on…Wily has this thing about not understanding that machines need HANDS to manipulate most objects, and like Sparkman, he didn’t have fingers, oh no, he had giant, freakin’ DRILLS for hands, so when she nervously moved to shake his hand, I offhandedly commented, “I wouldn’t if I were you.” She stopped and his drill-for-a-hand started whirring to life and he chuckled. “Sorry ‘bout that. Sometimes the dag-gum thing goes off on its own, causes quite a bit o’ ruckus, that’s fer sure!”

He laughed a bit to himself before walking off on his way and I nudged Treble to follow Roll so she didn’t get herself killed. It was then that I decided to spend a few minutes finishing my coffee and reading the rest of my paper, but as Fate would have it, today wasn’t going to be a simple day.

“Hey Bass!” Gyroman shouted. “There’s a Doctor Cossack at the door! He’s looking for Wily!” “Then why don’t you go get Wily?” I asked, not bothering to hide the annoyance in my voice. “Well Wily’s holed up in his room and well…I ain’t touching that.”

I sighed and greeted the man at the door. He seemed far more in shape than Dr. Light or Wily, and a lot happier too, he had this big grin plastered on his face that sickened me. He stood tall and adjusted his glasses before saying, “You there, you’re not Wily.” “Uh…duh. Wily’s busy right now, so you can talk to me.”

He thought it over a bit and invited himself in, pushing past me like it wasn’t an insult, all the while, keeping that smile on his face…I should deck him…as hard as I can…probably take his head off easy. No, no, then Wily will bitch about the blood in the carpet and how hard it is to make it look like a human being conveniently disappeared. He’s spared for the moment.

He plopped on the couch and propped his feet on the coffee table like he owned the place and ignored my scowl as I crossed my arms. “So,” I finally said, “I didn’t think Wily actually had any friends.” “Oh, we’re colleagues in crime.” “Wait, don’t you help out Dr. Light? Yeah, pretty sure you do.” He just shrugged and replied, “It’s only to spy on Megaman.” “Yeah, well, what do you want?” “I just needed to talk to Wily about our latest scheme to take over the world. See, I was thinking these really funny hats with mind control chips in them—”

Yeah, time to stop him. “Look,” I said, “Don’t worry about it, I’m going to conquer the world, I’m going to destroy Megaman, and I don’t need your help.” His eyes grew out of his skull and that smile vanished as he said, “You can’t do that! It’s a thing between me and Wily, it’s what we do!” “Yeah, well, get a new thing to do, I’m taking that blue dweeb down once and for all!”

He stood up, a look that said I’d somehow hurt him, so I patted him on the back and said, “Look, it’s not too bad, I mean if anything, blame Wily. He’s the one who lost the bet that put me in this position.”

The man actually shed a tear…

Cossack, what a weird organic. I hear he’s almost as good at robotics as Wily and Light, but I’ve really never seen any of his inventions, I just know he hangs around Light way too much, now I find out he’s some kind of spy? A bad spy considering Megaman’s still alive. I checked the time on the HUD display of my buster and realized it was getting close to interview time, so I needed to wrap this up.

“Look, loser, I’ve got Robot Masters to round up for my fortress, so I need you to leave.” I picked him up and carried him to the door while he protested about how I couldn’t do this to him, despite the obvious fact that I was doing it, but as I opened the front door, he shouted, “BEAT, ATTACK!”

“Beat?” I repeated, “What the?”

This blue…duck…football…THING came out of nowhere and rammed into me, only to bounce off my armor and crumple on the ground. Now that it was down, I got a good look at it. It was a bird…I think. It certainly had a weird football body and a duckbill, but it looked horrible. Was this the best he could muster? And he’s considered one of the world’s most brilliant minds?

“Beat, get up!” Cossack shouted, “You can do it, remember your training!” The…birdlike thing got up and squawked before it started pecking my armor at various locations, darting like some kind of disfigured hummingbird. It certainly didn’t hurt, but it was kinda getting annoying. “Keep it up, Beat,” Cossack shouted, “He’s weakening, I can see it in his eyes!”

Okay, yeah, I was bored and annoyed, I’d narrowed my eyes and been patient, so I calmly asked, “Get him to stop this…whatever it is he’s doing, it’s annoying.” Cossack stood tall and laughed with that stupid smile and said, “Never, your cries for mercy shall go unfelt!”

I sighed and grabbed the bird by a wing, holding it up on its side as it desperately tried to balance itself, but it was failing miserably. I dropped it on the ground and stepped on it before it recovered. Cossack looked shocked, but come on, I think I did nature a favor.

I growled at him and he fell over in fear. I towered over him, savoring the moment of yet another human’s incredible cowardice in my presence. Then I sighed again, deciding to spare him.

I left him alone with Starman and Crashman, gave Crashman one of those E-Z Bake Ovens. It shouldn’t kill him, but he’s gonna have one hell of a case of food poisoning.

It was finally time to enter the conference room, and I passed an acceptable number of Robot Masters in line. I entered the conference room, it was a rather long room with multiple portraits of Wily in various poses to amplify that big head of his. There was a long table, nowhere near as long as the ridiculous one in the dining room-I’m still trying to figure out how Wily bought a table that seats four hundred…-and it had about twenty or so plush chairs with a deluxe, swivel base chair at the head of the table that I sat in.

Now there were actually far too many Robot Masters trying out to go through each interview, so I’ll only tell you the interesting ones.

-Interview 1: Arsenalman.

I watched as a Robot Master entered that I hadn’t seen before. At first glance, I thought he was Searchman, but nope, this guy only had one head-an improvement already. He was definitely in that military theme, almost like a robo-marine. He only stood at the other end of the table, standing at military attention until I asked, “Alright, name?” “Arsenalman, SIR!” That was a bit overzealous.

“So uh…what brings you to think you can work in my unit?” “I wish to prove myself capable of carrying out the objective of any Wily-based machine, SIR!”

Yeah, that military mode makes him interesting... “So, what is the objective of any Wily-based machine?” He stood straighter, if that’s even possible and replied, “To assist in the destruction of Megaman, to obey the commander in his operations, and to subjugate the human race, bringing it to its knees! SIR!” He followed by breaking attention and he pelvic thrusted, shouting, “HOO-HA!” before snapping back into attention.

“Ri-right...” Boy he’s too enthusiastic about this, but he might just work. “What are your powers, Arsenal man?” “I used to have multiple built-in weapons, thus my name, but I had them removed for a standard plasma buster and numerous optional firearm armaments, SIR!” I raised an eyebrow and asked, “Why remove your weapons?” “Sir, it seemed against the betterment of the mission to keep the weapons. In the event I lost to Megaman, it would simply make him more powerful, and that is not the directive of a Wily-based machine, SIR!”

Wow, that made a lot of sense. Come to think of it, Megaman can’t absorb anything from me either, what with us having the same weaponry.

“Okay, Arsenalman, you’re in. Go enjoy the rest of the day, soldier.” He saluted me, performed a flawless right face, and left the room.

-Interview 6: Tenguman

As he entered, I narrowed my eyes and said, “What the hell are you doing here? I specifically said to keep out of my way, you’ve lost repeatedly to Megaman.” “Perhaps, Bass,” He said with that arrogance in his voice. He crossed his arms and said, “But after my new power upgrades, I’ve reached a pinnacle of power previously thought impossible to attain! I dare say I’m stronger than YOU, Bass.”

What…did…he say…?

“NEXT!” I shouted as the crushed remains of Tenguman flew out of the room and impacted the wall, once again proving that…

I’M

THE

MOST

POWERFUL

ROBOT MASTER

EVER!

-Interview 11: Otakuman

I swear, I didn’t see this one coming in the least. He didn’t even look like he was made to fight, what with his small frame and the big t-shirt that said ‘BASS ROCKS’ with a picture of me giving the finger…when did I make that shirt?

He sat down, fidgeting, but never taking his eyes off me. I let his squirm for a few minutes, since it was amusing, but it was time to get down to business. “Name?” Silence. “Look, squirt, what’s your name?” His face slowly grew into a very large, toothy grin and his eyes lit up with…er…happiness?

“Oh my god,” he said to himself, “I can’t believe it…I can’t believe Bass is talking to me, THE Bass…” “Uh…look, kid, I kinda have to talk to you, why wouldn’t I?” His face grew into an even bigger smile and before I knew it, he was darting all over me, looking at my armor with varied ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’.

“Okay kid, personal space!” I shouted as I pushed him away. He fell back and hit his butt, rubbing it a bit before he jumped up and shouted, “DUDE! Bass attacked me! He actually touched me! I can’t believe it! This is so awesome! Aw man, I’m never taking a sonic shower again!”

What the hell was his problem? He’s acting worse than Megaman when we run into each other during peacetime.

“Look, just tell me your name before I hurt you.” “Hmmm…” He was actually considering what would be better, the name or the pain. Lucky for me, he decided to answer like a good little robot.

“The name’s Otakuman! I’m your BIGGEST fan! I’ve got recordings of all your battles, I’ve got your action figures, I have all the video games, all the posters, and I have the rare, limited edition BassGS trading card!”

OKAY! This kid’s creepy. I think he needs this just as much as I do.

“Hey, kid.” “Yeah,” he asked as he turned to me. “Dead bot says what?” “What?”

I blew his head off with a buster shot and he slumped to the floor. I normally don’t kill Robot Masters like this, for no real reason, but I think his little mental problem with his infatuation might have led to trouble down the road. Ah well, now this mess needed to be cleaned.

“WOW! BASS KILLED ME!”

What the shit? I recognized that voice. It was Otakuman! He was standing there like I hadn’t done anything to him! Okay, unless the rules of the universe have changed-and I really hate it when they do-you can’t just stop being dead, so unless Wily’s secretly the Reverse Flash™ and he managed to repair the guy at the speed of light, there’s something seriously wrong.

I blasted him again, then a few more times for good measure, just to make sure. Now that his body was riddled with dents and holes, I was sure he was dead, but I didn’t take my eyes off that corpse.

Good thing I didn’t, I watched as his body…repaired…itself…wires came out of the body, undoing the damage I’d done, fixing dents and reattaching limbs and he was soon back on his feet.

“What are you?” I asked as I charged my buster. I was seriously prepared to kill him until he stayed dead at this point.

“I’m Otakuman, your ultimate fan!” “NO! I mean why aren’t you still dead?” “Oh, that’s my special power, I have a super fast repair system. It’s experimental really, Dr. Wily decided to test it out in me, and as you can see, it works.” He hugged me and I was about to rip him limb-from-limb, but alas, it wouldn’t have worked. I just looked at him and pushed him off, asking, “How do I KILL you?” “Dunno,” he replied honestly.

There’s nothing worse than something you can’t kill, but maybe he had his uses. After all, if I can’t kill him, Megaman sure as hell can’t either…but I don’t know…he’s still creepy in that fan boy kind of way. I can tell it by looking at him, he’s clingy…and probably a stalker.

“Okay kid, you’re in, but seriously, don’t bother me until it’s time for the operation.” “Aww, but man, you’re so awesome, I mean no one else can actually boast never being destroyed before!” “Uh…how about this…er…Starman has this plushie of me that he made all by himself…why don’t you go find him and take it from him? I’m sure he won’t miss it.”

He squealed something…I’m…I’m not sure what, but he rushed out of the room and I sincerely needed a break. Of course, with all these waiting Robot Masters, I don’t know if I want to leave them waiting…

I walked out of the room and pondered a bit. Technically…they’re only supposed to wear the blue dweeb down, so I can finish him off when he reaches the last chamber…and then the very fortress is supposed to be more dangerous than any of the lackeys I hire…I guess I can risk it.

“You, you, and you!” I shouted, pointing to three, “Step forward and give me your names.” “Photonman.” “SMASHMAN!” “Boltman!”

I nodded, they’d do and I’d actually think about the rest.

I got a quick rundown on their powers.

Photonman was tall and thin, but his armor was pretty tough. The guy had pointed ears and never spoke in a contraction, nor did he raise his voice. His special power was…well he…shot those neat little photon torpedoes from Star Trek, which means he’s more than likely inspired by Wily’s multiple Sci-fi nights…he says they’re a bonding experience, I say they’re a waste of time.

Smashman was practically a golem. He flexed his muscles repeatedly, and sure they were large, but come on, he’s just a damn robot. Turned out he had strength that put Gutsman to shame and his arms could turn into hammers that were strong enough to make tremors and shockwaves and when he was asked what he’d do against Megaman, it was something like, “I’d smash him and thrash him and snap his puny spine and smash him again and eat him and smash him inside me again! SMASHMAN!” -Sigh-an idiot, well…they’re all idiots…but this…well…at least he’ll be smashing Megaman.

Boltman had a Trojan theme to him, and heavy gold. There was a sheathed sword by his side, but it might just be for show. He kept talking about how he served in Olympus and was rewarded by Zeus with the power of lightning…he seems to forget that Wily made him. Nevertheless, he had power to his name, so I shrugged it off, but it was seriously time for a break.

I decided on a snack, and on my way to the kitchen, saw Starman and Otakuman fighting over a stuffed mini-me. “Give it, pretender!” Otakuman shouted. “Never! I made it, it belongs to me!” Starman replied, and they eventually got into one of those really girly slapping contests. I laughed, then handed Otakuman a bat and Starman a golf club, then left them to their devices.

I made a quick sandwich and poured the last of the coffee, then I retreated to my room. What I saw nearly made me drop my coffee…nearly.

First off…there was FLOOR! I could actually see the red carpeting of my room! None of my junk was there anymore! Next were the dresser and vanity mirror set up to the side of the room, a few lamps that cast a rather relaxing glow in the room, and a bed, holy crap, I actually DID have a bed in here!

Wow, Creampuff cleaned my room? Where’d all my junk go? Where’s my laptop? Where’s Creampuff? Where the heck’s Treble?

As if on cue, Roll emerged from…what the crap? I have a closet? Yeah, apparently I do, a big, walk-in one. Treble followed her, sticking by her side like ordered, but when he saw me, forgot all about his duty and begged me for attention, to which, even in my confused state, I gave. It was about then that I noticed Roll was dressed in a maid outfit and had one of those feather dusters, dusting one of my knickknacks, it was one of my old miniature models of Wily Castle.

“Bass!” she shouted happily and hugged me, forcing my reply of, “Three…second…rule…” and she quickly let go. She then spun around and said, “Ta-da! What do you think?” Asking my opinion of the room, and I had to answer truthfully. “Where’s all my junk?” She frowned a bit, but replied, “I had your friends put it in storage, I figured you’d get really angry if I just tossed it away.” “Damn straight, Creampuff, now where’s my laptop?” “Oh I left important looking things here. Your laptop’s under the bed so it wouldn’t get in my way.” “Oh…well the room looks nice, I guess I’ll try and keep it clean…but don’t look for any miracles.”

She smiled as I retrieved my laptop and sat on the bed, quickly checking it over for damage, but it was fine. She couldn’t have tampered with it, since the password for my computer is so ridiculously simple that it’s complex, so I didn’t worry about that either.

I leaned back on the bed and sighed before realizing I had steaming coffee waiting for me, and I tended to that and occasionally took a bite out of the sandwich, but after Roll’s cooking, it felt like I was doing my taste buds a disservice. It was around then that she asked me a question.

“Bass…what’s this?”

I looked up and she was holding the upperhalf of a Robot Master that I didn’t recognize at first, but it soon became clear who it was. “B-b-bass…” King’s upperhalf stuttered. “Wh-wh-why m-m-must I b-be subje-je-jected to this?”

I started laughing, but halted when I saw the horrified look on Roll’s face…then laughed harder.

Hoo boy, you know the story, right? How King was basically supposed to replace me, and Wily had an overcomplicated plan for him to execute, most of which he didn’t know about? Yeah, well after I kicked his ass, I decided to take as much of him that was left as a trophy, y’know, because I’m evil like that.

“Oh, him, that’s just King, well…a toppled king.” I chuckled as his heavily beaten and bruised body sputtered, desperately trying to hold on to life.

“Y-y-y-you’ve kept me he-he-HERE for-for over-er-er a y-year, either k-k-kill me, or le-let me-me-me g-g-g-go.”

I shrugged, putting my coffee down and shoveling the rest of my sandwich in my mouth, before replying, “You’re right, I’m so sorry, I’ll kill you.” I heard a sniffle and realized that Roll was trying to fight a tear and it hit me just how cruel I appeared at the moment. Yeesh, I might really hurt her feelings and then its POOF, goodbye to clean rooms and well-cooked meals!

“Roll, I was only kidding,” I lied. “I’m going to take him off to Wily RIGHT now and let Wily see what he can do to fix him up, but I can’t make any promises.” She looked at me with contempt, not believing me, so she put the feather duster down and said, “Fine, but I’m coming with you.”

I tried to change her mind, but she was adamant about it, so I hoisted a stuttering, complaining King over my shoulder and we went off to find Wily, who of course was still in his room…and I ain’t going in there. What that man does on his personal time is all on him.

Realizing that I’d have to venture in Wily’s room, I turned to her and was about to call it off, but she stared at me with these wide eyes and pouted and in the maid outfit…I couldn’t fight back for some odd reason…damn Wily and the invention of robo-hormones.

Wily has the last room on the fifteenth floor of Wily Castle, the entire floor, other than him, is empty, since no one wants to live near him. Because of that, there was a rather small amount of maintenance involved in the floor. Wily probably being the type that either doesn’t care or wouldn’t spend his time doing little things like changing lightbulbs or cleaning the area. Combine that with the fact that no one wants to go to this floor, and it’s a dump.

We walked together, King silent thanks to the duct tape I strapped over his mouth, and she leaned against me in the dark, grabbing my hand. I guess considering the atmosphere, I couldn’t blame her, and considering the man behind the door, I told her, “You’re never to come here and clean, that’s an order. Let the old man wallow in his filth.” She sheepishly nodded.

We reached the door and I was about to open it, but the handle was covered in…something. I decided against it and knocked, but there was no reply, so I knocked harder and shouted, “DOC! Get out here before I blow your door down and set fire to the whole damn floor!”

An, “I’m coming, I’m coming,” was heard and Wily opened the door, hair in a curling iron and he in a bathrobe and I made a note to delete the image when I left. “What do you want, Bass?” he snarled and I simply chucked King at him and said, “Fix this.”

King’s weight took Wily off-balance and he crashed back into his room and I didn’t want to see what mess it caused, so I took Roll and left, and as we reached the lower levels again, she kept staring at me. It was fine at first, but it was starting to get annoying.

“What?” I asked with annoyance seething in my voice. “You weren’t…gonna get King fixed, were you?” Damn, I was hoping she would’ve forgotten that. “Not really, no,” I replied. “Why’d you take him then? Take him to Wily?” “Because you tagged along, duh.” “But you’re…well…YOU…if you wanted to, you could have killed King anyways.”

Damn she had a good point, but what effect would killing King have had on her? I rather enjoy the thought of SOMEONE who can cook in the Castle and damn if I haven’t seen the floor in my room for like three years.

Somewhere in my pondering, she got in front of me and stared at me with those eyes of hers and I remarked, “Well I didn’t want to see you upset and leave or anything…I…I mean I didn’t want you to leave and then we’d be stuck with crap cooking again, and who’d clean my room, and,” Something told her to smile and she hopped on her toes and planted a kiss on the gem in my forehead before skipping off in the direction of my…our? No, MY room. You declared it this morning, Bass, she’s a pet, sure you didn’t mean that, but you did!

It was then that I realized that quite a few Robot Masters were staring at me. “What?” I asked, wearily. “She uh…she kissed you…” Cutman said. “Yeah…and?” I said it like I didn’t know…but Cutman continued, “But you didn’t kill her…” Ugh, probably the worst show of weakness ever…I should salvage this. “You’re right,” I told him as I walked to him and calmly placed my hands on his shoulders. “I think we’re due for some misplaced aggression, what do you think?” Before Cutman could answer, I removed his head from the rest of his body.

I removed the scissors from his head and…well…I didn’t kill anyone, but I did inflict numerous lacerations on about twenty Robot Masters…well…and I killed Otakuman again, mainly because he deserved it for being the damn most unkillable thing I’ve ever seen.

I left back for the conference room and took in my next applicant, some loser that called himself Robot Man…you know the one. You don’t? Did none of you read Doom Patrol? It was a DC comic, come on people, where do you think that Beast Boy guy got his start before the Teen Titans! Ugh, you’re all a bunch of animals, just a lot of self-important monkeys whose lives are too busy to actually read a comic book…no, don’t try and look him up online, you’ve already lost the joke, I don’t know who you are, who’s reading this, but you’re definitely not getting a Christmas present from me this year.

Interview 37: Nuclearman

Ah hell no. It was him…Nuclearman. He had a medium build, basically built around a big, freakin’ nuke. There’s even one of those signs on him that warns about radioactivity. I don’t know what compelled Wily to build him, frankly I don’t care, all I know is I wish he’d go away.

Aside from being a nuke, he also fires miniature, pure fission, nuclear devices, which, for the uninformed, are nukes that despite their small size, still pack a huge punch, and don’t leave the same radioactive fallout as standard nuclear armaments.

Problem is, I’m pretty sure he and Grenademan were cut from the same mold…since they both LOVE to explode…problem is…Grenademan’s explosions are contained…you can’t very well contain a nuke.

See, in the event that Nuclearman loses a battle, he’s supposed to self-destruct, but only on those pretenses. Unfortunately, he managed to work past the numerous safety protocols put in his body and eventually reached the inhibitor installed in him to keep him from ‘accidentally’ lighting off the Castle in a blaze of nuclear glory…so he can pretty much explode at will…luckily for me, I’ve never been caught in a blast, but it’s cost us like six or seven castles.

“BASS!” He shouted as he pounded the table. “I wish to beat Megaman! Let me give it a try! Come on!” He glinted a smile as the warning sign on his chest began to beep.

Shit, he was gonna do it, he was gonna explode, right here, right now. Damn it, winding up dead will put my plans back a bit, there has to be something I can do here!

“Uh sure Nuclearman, you’re totally in, but you know, if you explode now, you can’t fight Megaman. Why don’t you get Grenademan to fire off a few rounds at you?” “Sure thing, Bass,” he cried as he gave me a crushing bearhug, that warning sign on his chest finally dieing down.

Hmm… surely Nuclearman’s armor can take a jostle from a few grenades, right? Wily made him, Wily made him, I can’t take anything for granted…consequently, I’m going to have to kick out the cash for some of that REALLY EXPENSIVE material that’s supposed to be able to take nuclear explosions and line his room in the fortress with it, otherwise, we’ll have a problem.

“Hey, Nuclearman, what’s your blast radius?” “About thirty feet, why?”

Okay, thirty feet…taking into account that most Robot Masters can’t count past seven…

“Before you go nuts with Grenademan, you need to travel far, FAR away from the Castle…uhm…so far that you can’t even see it…then keep walking for a little while longer…it’s uh…training.”

Lucky for me, he bought it and left, taking Grenademan with him.

Interview 42: Overdriveman

Never saw this one before, but he merely entered and sat down with a brief, “Good day, I am Overdriveman.” With a name like that, you’d think he’d be hyper or something, but he was actually acting calm…calmer than most…more than likely the calmest interview today.

I got a good look at his gold armor and his brown ponytail and wondered why the hell Wily gave a few of us hair. It’s like he wanted us to be as human as possible, though it looked cool on this guy, I guess.

We actually had an enjoyable talk about his powers, he relied heavily on his martial art skills, ranging from Tai Chi to Jeet Kun-Do. Just those alone made him dangerous. A neat little tidbit of info is that Jeet Kun-Do is the Way of the Intercepting Fist, developed by famous martial artist, Bruce Lee. No doubt that this guy was in, but then he gave me a new surprise.

“When my health is threatened, I can achieve Overdrive. It’s a very complicated process where a nitrous-like substance is injected into my body, upping my speed threefold and doubling my strength, but it’s very quick, only about 15 seconds before it runs out and needs to recharge, but when I reach near death, I become locked in the ability. Though the drawback is the incredible amount of energy it requires and the stress it puts on my body, it wears me out quickly if abused.”

I blinked a few moments, realizing that he actually explained something complicated to me and didn’t have to go for one of those ‘Hooked on Phonics’ help pamphlets to do it. Yeah, he was definitely going to work out for me.

With a hearty handshake, I told him, “You’re in, welcome to the team.”

Interview 78: Timeman

Ugh, there were so many failures, like Monkeyman, who flung poop, and Gasman…who uh…had gas…that was about it…so I took a small break to leave him in a room with Flameman, Fireman, Burnerman, Swordman, and just about any other flame-based Robot Master I could think of at the time. So it was damn time that I got this stuff over with.

I didn’t recognize this one either, this little yellow guy that came in the room and sat down. “I’m Timeman,” he said shyly. “Welcome Timeman, well, little guy, I bet I can guess your powers.”

His eyes went from shy to angry in like a second and he shouted, “I’M NOT LITTLE!” His voice advocated depression and he added, “This is just how I was built, you understand that, right?” He then beamed a smile at me before I could answer him.

Methinks the boy has mental problems. I don’t need mental problems on this trip, I’ve probably invited enough as it is, what with Smashman and Arsenalman, maybe even Boltman’s vulcanlike attitude and DEFINITELY with Nuclearman…

“Sorry, I don’t think I can use you.”

His eyes welled with tears before he forced down a chuckle, quickly followed by those tears again as his face flushed red. “You can too use me! I’m not useless!” He sobbed uncontrollably, shouting out how he could be the perfect addition to my team, and all the bawling was getting to me. If I destroyed him and Wily rebuilt him, then what? Would he follow me around like Otakuman…who is…behind my chair…damn it…

I dispatched of Otakuman in a gruesome fashion and rather than dispose of the body, I handed him to Skullman, that should keep them both occupied. Then I turned my attention to the crying Timeman who shouted, “You’re a meanie! I hate you! I wish you’d never have been built!” His eyes shifted and he said, “No, I wish I’d never have been built,” his voice was now trailing depression.

This had to stop. I put my hand on his shoulder and said, “Hey, calm down. I was only messing with you, it’s uh…what…friends do? I mean, after all, you’re part of the team.” I groaned on the inside. Sure I’m supposed to be the cruel Bass, master of all machines of Wily Castle, but I also need to avoid future problems, since I have enough. As much as it pained me, I’d rather be his friend now than be a victim of his foolish and doomed attempts at revenge later on, and trust me, I think he’d go through with revenge.

“Do ya mean it?” He asked as the tears stopped and a smile took over his face. In a flash, it was like he’d never been sad at all and he hugged me, saying, “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I would have pushed him off, but that might have started another episode. I patted him on the head before sending him on his way.

Robot Masters picked, even if some aren’t the most mentally stable, fortress selected, all that was left was to alter the fortress to the specifics of my virtual design and supply the rooms for the Robot Masters since those would have to be customized…that would take nearly a month…oh yeah, and there was the challenge to Megaman, after all, he actually had to know where to be.

Hmmm…how to go about challenging Megaman…there’s always the direct approach.

“Hello?” Megaman said as he answered his front door, only to be greeted with my fist to his face. “OW! Bass! What was that for?” “Hey dweeb, I’m calling you out!” “Wha-what?” he said as he rubbed his nose. “Wily’s at it again?” “NO! This is all me! I’m going to attack the entire world with every ounce of Wily’s forces if you don’t come to Bass Fortress at the end of next month! Only THEN will the location be revealed to you!”

Megaman narrowed his eyes, gaining a sly look, and he said, “Did Wily put you up to this?” “NO, you moron! This is me, MY plan!” He stifled a laugh and said, “Wily would never let you have your own plan, you’re pulling my leg.” “I’ll rip your leg off if you want, but it’s true, this is my plan!”

We argued a bit more, I punched him in the face a couple more times, but he stayed adamant about believing that I’d never have my own plan and it was all some kind of joke or something, then he got the wild idea that it was Roll’s idea and that was it, he shut the door and left me standing outside.

“Damn it dweeb! I’m serious! I’m going to destroy the whole damn planet if you don’t answer my challenge!”

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I was just blown off…by the DWEEB? I fired my buster at the building a few times, only to have fully-charged shots merely dent the surface-apparently Light reinforced the damn thing since I wrecked it so many times-and I went home, a scowl on my face.

It was late when I got in, so I didn’t expect to run into much in the way of Robot Masters, but there was Starman, dripping wet, standing there in a towel wrapped around his chest like he was a woman, with another towel on his head.

“Uh…hi.” I said before trying to leave, but he stopped me, putting a hand on either shoulder and he said, “I can’t believe you, Bass! I heard, I heard about that girl…I thought we had something! All those years of you playing hard-to-get, and you go off with some floozy? I…I…I can’t take it, Bass! You need to choose between us, right now!”

What the HELL was he talking about? Oh right, he’s a fruit. Still…where’d he get the idea that I was even remotely interested in him?

Then…then he did something COMPLETELY unforgivable! He placed his lips on mine and totally mouthed me! It was shock combined with a short-circuit in my logic center that prevented me from killing him on the spot as my systems rebooted. He broke the kiss and stared at my eyes, saying, “Choose me, okay?”

-Sigh-example time. Oh I’ll choose him alright.

It took an hour or so to successfully shove each of his parts down Wily’s industrial strength disposal unit, but I got rid of Starman, once and for all, or at least until Wily rebuilds him. So after a MUCH NEEDED brushing of the teeth and gargling with acid, I decided to turn in for the night, only to see Creampuff in my capsule again, curled up with that stupid cat of hers, both fast asleep.

Treble was sitting at the foot of the bed and I only glared at him, letting that girl take my capsule again, and he merely yawned and zonked out on the bed, which did look rather comfy, and after today, all I wanted was sleep.

I laid on the bed and instantly realized that when you’re in battle armor and your helmet has fins, it’s VERY HARD to get comfortable on a bed…so I did something I haven’t done in a long, long time, I removed my combat armor.

So there I was, my black armor sitting next to the bed as I stood there in the gray jumpsuit underneath. I finally removed my helmet and ran a finger through my short, white hair. I’m pretty sure it used to be blonde, but meh, white’s a kind of blonde I guess.

Vulnerable, that’s what it felt like, to tell you the truth. It had been so long before I’d taken the armor off that I felt naked. Still, no chickening out now, right? After all, what’s Roll gonna do to me if she takes advantage of the situation, hit me with the feather duster?

I climbed into the bed, which was now adorned with a black comforter and gray sheets, matching my armor, and I nudged Treble with my foot, him still at the foot of the bed, before going to sleep.

I woke up feeling crowded, so I opened my eyes, and due to the lack of light, it wasn’t really morning yet, but I learned why I was so claustrophobic…Creampuff was in the bed too, snuggled to my side…my currently unarmored side…

Ah hell no.

I pushed her out of the bed and she groggily got up, saying, “What was that for?” “You damn well know what that was for! What the hell were you thinking, getting in the bed!” She thought it over, sleep wearing off, and she replied, “Well the capsule was really uncomfortable and got kinda cold, and the bed looked so comfy and you’re so much warmer than the capsule…so I climbed into bed with you.”

“Well if the capsule was so damn uncomfortable, why the hell did you get in it?” I asked as I sat up in the bed, arms crossed. “Well you’re the one that called me the pet, so I figured you’d want the more comfortable sleeping conditions, so I gave you the bed, but two nights in a row in a capsule? It’s murder…”

She rubbed her neck and I got up, out of the bed and said, “Here, take it.” I put my armor back on and headed for the capsule, only to hear, “You don’t have to, it’s not like the end of the world’s going to occur if we sleep together.” “Like hell it won’t, Creampuff. I’m going to bed in the capsule, you’re sleeping in the bed, that’s final.” “What, too scared to share a bed?”

Crud, that’s probably my biggest weakness, pride. I sure as hell can’t act like she scares me, or something as innocent as sleeping does…so I sighed and took the armor back off and we climbed into the bed, a happy noise coming from her as I turned my back to her, facing the wall.

“Goodnight, Bass.”

“…Go to sleep before I reset your internal memory…”

Morning came and I once again found Roll in the kitchen, cooking up a storm, presenting the Robot Masters their food before I got my own plate, this time the pancakes were shaped like Treble and Tango…how the hell does she do that?

Regardless, I mulled over the problem of challenging Megaman to Dr. Wily, who only guffawed and said my plan had failed before going off to the farther reaches of the Castle, but Roll said, “Rock’s like that. He only assumes you’re following orders and can’t possibly be willing to lead an assault on the world…” “Uh-huh, that whole ‘there’s goodness in every machine’ crap?” She nodded before asking, “You’re not gonna hurt him too badly, are you? I mean I’m still mad at him, but he’s my brother.”

I sighed and patted her on the head, saying, “Relax, all I need do is prove I’m superior to Wily, for all we know, that’ll entail only subduing Megaman, not eliminating him,” even though I completely intended on vaporizing the blue bug. Still, it would he hard to challenge Megaman if he just can’t take me seriously, like only humans could threaten the world, more like just Wily…

I talked the problem over with a few of the Robot Masters that were more manageable than the others.

“So, Megaman will only come if he thinks it’s Wily?” Elecman asked and I nodded. “And Wily’s not gonna help you at all, we can guess that,” Crystalman said. “Yarrr, what’ll ye be doing then, me bucko,” Pirateman asked. I shrugged, I guess I could destroy a small country to prove I was serious, but that might move things along too fast… “I think I have a plan,” Crystalman said, looking off into space…oh boy.

“No way,” I murmured as Crsytalman’s plan became apparent. “No flipping way! He’s not this stupid!” “Come on Bass,” Elecman chimed, “At least it’s an idea.”

I stood in front of a very crudely designed stage in a box, set up on a table in front of a viewscreen that Crystalman was using. In my hand was a sock puppet of Dr. Wily, Elecman had one of myself, and Pirateman had a very hastily done Roll, which looked the crappiest of the three.

Now this part might get kinda confusing…because it confused the hell outta me.

Remember:

I play the role of Dr. Wily

Elecman plays the role of me, Bass

Pirateman plays the role of Roll

This is so not gonna work.

We got in our places behind the stage and Crystalman gave us a go, Megaman’s face appearing on the viewscreen.

“Hello?” he asked, confused, can’t say I blame him.

“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!” I shouted in my best, nasally impression of Dr. Wily as I brought the sock puppet of the mad doctor into view.

“WILY!” he shouted…wait…he actually believed this?

“Uhm…yes, it is I, the GREAT DOCTOR WILY, come to give you a challenge, Megaman. You fell right into my trap, letting Bass kidnap your sister…right Bass? BASS!”

I kicked Elecman under the table and whispered, “That’s your cue!”

“Oh!” Elecman shouted and he sprouted his Bass sock puppet, trying his best to imitate my voice, but failing badly.

“I’m so cool, look at me, all other Robot Masters PALE in comparison to me,” Elecman said with dry sarcasm, making me look like an ass, so I kicked him again.

I spoke up as Wily again and said, “Now she’s in my clutches and I’ll destroy her at the end of the next month if you don’t come to her aid!”

Megaman shook his head and said, “I saw Bass! He would never let anything happen to her!”

“Oh really?” I said, fighting down the need to vomit, as I was impersonating Wily. “Bass, drag his pitiful sister out here!”

“I’ll do it,” Elecman said, still impersonating me, “But not because I take orders, but because I’m so awesome that it’s COOL to follow orders.”

“Stop milking it, you idiot,” I told him silently as Pirateman deployed his puppet of Roll, but he didn’t say anything. “Damn it, say your line,” I hissed, and he said, “Yarr, I don’t be seeing why I have to play the lass,” just a little too loudly, and in equal volume, I shouted, “Just say the damn lines!”

“Yar, oh help me, help me oh dearest brother of mine, I love ye like the depths of Davy Jones’ locker!” He said, trying to girl up his voice.

“What the hell was that?” I hissed to Pirateman, under the table. “Yar, that be how I talk, have a problem with it, then bite me, laddie.”

We got into a small kicking contest, exchanging blows, forgetting Megaman was on the viewscreen, while Elecman helped himself to the puppet of Roll, using both hands now, making an odd conversation.

“Come on baby, you know I’m irresistible,” he said with the Bass puppet. “Oh Bass, you’re a brute, a horrible, monstrous brute, but I find myself drawn to you,” He had the Roll puppet say, before he clasped his hands, making the puppets embrace each other and he had the Roll puppet say, “Oh kiss me, kiss me and have your way with me!” “With pleasure,” His Bass puppet said before I kicked Pirateman just a little too hard, making him jump.

A jumping Pirateman equals the table getting knocked over, exposing all three of us from underneath the stage in a crash and we all stood up, embarrassed. “Ah shit,” I said to myself as I smacked Pirateman, who merely shrugged. “Whoops,” Elecman said as he let the sock puppets drop from his hands. Crystalman smacked himself in the face and stomped off, and I tried my best to salvage the situation, “Uh…Megaman…look…er…”

“OH…MY…GOSH!” Megaman shouted before adding, “Wily! Your mad experiment hideously disfigured yourself and my sister! How could you? I’m going to get you back for what you did to her if it’s the last thing I do! I’ll be at your fortress, count on it!”

He then cut the transmission, leaving the three of us VERY shocked indeed.

“How the HELL did that work out?” I asked my companions, but they were equally shocked.

No matter, at least Megaman has the message and he’ll be there, oh he’ll be there.