October 12, 2015
Have you ever known anyone in your entire life so far that you could never be without, even when things got really bad between the two of you, it was more painful to be apart than deal with the troubles you two had with each other? Where the good times felt like paradise and the bad times felt like hell. But all along suffering together, but blissful the next and savoring. Someone you'd do anything for, literally. Jump, die, live, survive, protect, give everything to without a second thought.
That, if and when something ever tore you two apart, it left such a huge crater in your life that of which no other fight or fallout break up or argument had ever left, despite the worst problems with others prior to this one person. The very air in your lungs and blood in your veins. The reason for living.
Taken away, leaves you but a hallow shell going through the motions. Feeling like a death, but you know they are still there. You can talk to them here and there but it's never the same. Such an intense bond, that you both build, but easily with one right hit to cracks already placed, could shatter it all, with one last mistake....
Not only did you betray them, you betrayed yourself. And no matter what they might have done to hurt you, suddenly everything you were ever mad about that made you lash out in ways you couldn't even fathom now, suddenly mean nothing in the aftermath. And you're left lost, wandering, searching for a purpose in a strange world that no longer makes sense. 50% your fault. And knowing you could have done everything different. You pick up, and keep walking, harden up, but a shell is just a shell. The hole remains. It always will. Maybe even, to the point, that person could never fill it again, if ever the damage were repaired and built new.
Have you ever had someone like this? That no matter how long it's been, you're just not over it. And thinking of it just brings you to the tears you thought you had gotten over. What's more, the kind where they returned the feelings.
If you have anyone like this in your life... Don't throw it away... Don't sabotage it. Don't look for more, don't expect more. Savor it. Savor every moment... Trust me. It's right.
I'll never recover... I can move forward... But I know now I'll never recover... And it's a living hell rolled up inside the hole where my heart once was... The heart I left with them hoping to protect them in the only way left I know how from a distance....
I'm still trying to figure out where to go from here... Maybe something will come along as a second chance. And I'll do everything right... By all the Higher Powers I know I've learned my lessons... And still am, as everything processes... I will never be the same.
Don't make my mistakes. By all the love I know I have still, I implore you to not make the same mistakes....