I think I might have dislocated my jaw. It hurts when I chew with the left side of my mouth.
I don't think anything in particular happened to it, it's just like I woke up one morning and suddenly I noticed pain while eating breakfast. Let me clarify, my jaw has always been kinda fucked up due to a childhood accident, but this is the first time it's ever really, like ... hurt. On the bright side, my jaw doesn't pop anymore! I can open my mouth all the way now. I couldn't before. So ... yay?
... I kind of want to see someone about this and get it fixed, but we just changed insurance and it's all wonky right now. Plus I just had a dentist appointment a few weeks ago for a routine cleaning, and the spring semester at college just started ... I think it would be best to hold out for a while and see if it clears up on it's own. If I can make it until summer, then I can avoid showing up on campus with a fucked up post-surgery face. Not that anyone would care; I don't have friends here. Or enemies for that matter, which I suppose is a good thing. But if going to orientation with post-wisdom-teeth face sucked, going to class with post-jaw-realignment-surgery face would suck ten times as hard, both pain-wise and appearance-wise.
Who knows, maybe I can turn this into a positive. I could lose some weight if I can't eat as often. That would be nice. It would help get Mom off my back at least.
Speaking of positive, I've been taking better care of myself since the new year! I've been careful with my diet, I've been flossing and rinsing with fluoride, I've been keeping my room and bathroom clean, I've been going to bed in the late PM hours instead of the early AM hours ... I'm not in tip-top shape yet, but I'm out of the gutter at least. I've decided to make my motto this year 'Don't become complacent with poor conditions' as a way to motivate myself. When I notice something that needs attention like a pile of dirty laundry, I ask myself 'Do I deserve to have clean clothes today?' And regardless of how I'm actually feeling, I always force myself to answer with 'Yes, I do.' Then I give it to myself. It may sound dumb, but for some reason it works for me. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm tired of beating myself up.
You know, there's this one scene from Bojack Horseman that's really stuck with me. It's the part where Todd says this:
"You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things, and then feel bad about yourself like somehow that makes it okay! You need to be better! [...] You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid. It's you. All right? It's you."
A lot of people look at this scene as one of the harshest parts of the show. And it is. But over time, that message has resonated with me as something positive. Hopeful, even. If everything that's wrong with me is ... well, me, then that means there's something I can do about it.
That inner voice that tells you you're a screw up? That hooded figure that whispers in your ear when you're alone, that makes you feel like garbage? Well guess what. That's you, dumbass. And you don't have to take that shit. You can scream over them with a louder voice, a voice that says you deserve better. You don't have to believe it at first - all you have to do is listen to it. And when you do, you'll realize that they're both your voice - and you can decide which one you want to listen to.
For the longest time I've felt like someone trapped in a car careening on the edge of a cliff side, just waiting for gravity to finish me off. It's amazing how long it's taken me to realize that the damn car has a steering wheel.
I can't think of a clever way to finish this off, so uh ... yeah. Watch Bojack if you haven't already. It's good.