RepugnancySo this is how we meet again
A meeting both met with dread and anticipation
I missed you, a lot
I missed your wit, your humour, the way you smile and make me laugh.
But I was also glad I could avoid you, didn‘t have to see your face
How many lies do you hide behind you smile?
I cannot look into your eyes, I must avert my gaze
To hide the tears, I step away.
When I return, I fake a smile, no time for sadness now.
Maybe with time you notice
That I‘ve grown distant, careful, not the same.
You wonder what changed, why I am avoiding you.
I‘m doing it for you, because in spite of everything
I still love you and want to keep you safe
From judging and hate and misery.
So I keep my distance, stay away
To make sure I can keep my silence
And bury the hurt deep inside of me.
But maybe you don‘t even notice.
You never cared that much for me, did you?
(Not enough to spare me!)
I used to think – to hope! – you did, but I can‘t tell it anymore.
You were my ido
WingsFirst, I tried to forget
But what use has this wish?
It will never come true
And there‘s no room for healing in it.
But it seemed better, easier than accepting the truth.
I wanted so badly to forget
How you subtly, without me, without anyone noticing,
Destroyed my ability to fly.
For a long time,
It didn‘t matter.
I was too young for flying anyway.
Sometimes I felt a distant ache
And a longing to touch the sky.
But I thought nothing of it, I would fly in time, right?
Once, a dark thought crept up to me, a dark memory.
But I pushed it away, buried it deep in the back of my mind
Never to be told, to be forgotten.
It took a long time, till I realised that I couldn‘t fly,
A long time till I realised
What you had done.
You broke my wings.
And when I tried to fly,
To spread my beautiful wings for the first time
I fell, and I crashed and I burned.
And even while falling I still didn‘t understand what happened.
Lots of explanations crossed my panicking mind