Unrecognized faces meet my face.
Puckered lips touch my hazy eyes. *
Dark corners where strangers dance
To irregular beats of anxiety.
Synchronized to me, life's rhythm sings
A Capella routes obscured by smog.
I'll check this off in my travelogue
With shaking hands, a disrupted mind. °
Revealing panic mode I shudder.
Disconnection rises, reality flutters.
Reality flutters in irrational mutters.
..........it f l u t t e r s......
My stomach churns as changing tempo.
It's undoing; time consuming.
Creeping up on me; pursuing.
Will this last, my haunting past?
All these thoughts put me on blast.
Will this last, my
I know I'm far along a self love journey but I still feel embarrassed by my younger self sometimes. Memories come from middle and high school days when the evidence of me not fitting in shows. From being left without a partner in group projects to being generally the last person chosen.. I even went on online help forums to find out why I'd be picked last but no one ever answered me. . When I did find a partner I usually felt they were bored of me because they wouldn't talk to me or interact with group project related things. I'd ask someone to be my partner or sit with me but in a few minutes they'd leave to sit with someone else. I understand that people just click and others don't but I didn't have anyone. I just wanted someone I was comfortable with but didn't have that in my middle or high school classes. . Thankfully I don't have this issue anymore. I'm more comfortable around people but this isn't my fault. Kids in school didn't make me feel welcome enough for me to open up.
I'm nervous about life right now but trying to do anything is scary because I don't want it to turn into anxiety. I know I say I don't let anxiety control me anymore but I don't think I should make statements like that. Anxiety can't fully be controlled.. It will always be a part of me. People think I'm being weak or making excuses when I say this but I'm not lying, at least for my case. Now I wonder if I hold myself back too much because I'm afraid of anxiety, but I don't want to push myself either. I'm confused.
I always measured my life in my growth, or what I have done to conquer anxiety and leave my comfort zone, or by making my comfort zone bigger. I've done that for years until I decided not to measure my growth and the challenging situations I've tested myself with to see if I can do it. Now I measure myself in the things I comfortably do because I got tired of putting myself in situations which make my anxiety spike. I'm not worth anything based on how "tough" I am.